How to stop sleeping in separate beds?

[Tallblue]

DH and I have a 1 year old DD. She always, without fail, wakes a few times during the night and cries out. She doesn't want to be fed, the crying is sometimes because she has lost her dummy, or other times it is just random sleep crying, who knows, maybe she has nightmares? Generally she is awake less than a minute and goes back to sleep.

Anyhow, I suffer really badly with insomnia once I have been woken during the night. It can take a few hours to get back to sleep and I generally need to read a book to get sleepy. For quite a few months I would be woken by DD (noise via baby monitor) and then go into the spare room where I could switch a light on to read, then go back to sleep. So I'd start the night in bed with DH then wake in the spare room. In more recent months to avoid broken sleep I have started each night sleeping in the spare room from the beginning, the logic being I know I'm going to be woken if I stay in the master bedroom with my husband.

This was intended as a temporary measure but has now become the norm. Each night we go our separate ways and I sleep in the spare room. He is able to get straight back to sleep when the baby cries during the night so he has no problem with being the one with the monitor.

I'm feeling increasingly distant from DH and know it's not normal not to sleep in the same bed. But, I can't get past the fact I'll be woken (with no real need) if I go back to sleeping in the master bedroom with him.
I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Should I just bite the bullet, put up with the long periods of wakefulness during the night and move back into the marital bed?

Sorry to hear that was your experience Kittens.

It ended up ok. We accepted the situation (finally ) but he had LOTS of affairs (which I kinda knew about but too wrapped up in dcs to care) dcs grew up, post divorce a met now DH who I would never sleep apart from. It's the glue that holds it all together -having a cuddle and dtd with... It keeps a couple close.

Married 25 years - 20 of them in separate bedrooms. Many reasons - we both snore , we both work shifts and sleep is difficult when the bloody bed is busier than Victoria Station! It's really not an issue - we stopped almost all arguing and tetchiness from being overtired almost overnight. I'd not change back now for anything!

I agree with Kittens. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it.

Well, it clearly works for some people and not others, so I'd advise people to do what works for them. Sleeping in the same bed won't prevent affairs, anymore than sleeping apart causes them.

However, I agree that a lack of intimacy could destroy most relationships. That can happen accidentally at any point, especially when kids come along and someone feels shoved out.

In the OPs case, sleeping apart for a while to stay happy and sane during the most stressful time of their lives is probably a life-saver. If you're stressed about him having affairs it's probably something you should both talk about right now because sleeping in separate rooms doesn't give anyone the excuse of doing that.

Perhaps focus purposefully on other intimacies too? In our case we do have occasional naps, cuddles, sit close on the sofa, still hold hands etc. Sleeping apart made us saner, happier, and more sickeningly in love than ever - because sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

Each marriage is unique and people need to find a status quo that works for their relationship.

But the op really doesn't need to be fretting, on top of everything else that they are not a normal couple for sleeping apart sometimes. Or all the time if they want. Or sleeping in the same bed and occasionally wanting to smother the other party with a pillow. All of these are normal.

Thanks so much for all the responses, I never realised there were so many other couples sleeping separately. When I've mentioned the situation to friends it has always been received with raised eyebrows and a foreboding tone. Last night, I started the night in bed with DH, woke for no reason halfway through the night and went to sleep in another room as I couldn't get back to sleep in the main bedroom. DD wasn't making any noise (the first time ever!) but I think my night time waking is just habit now. I need to un-learn the habit. I think as per advice I'll work harder on other ways of finding intimacy and stop stressing so much about it. There's no particular pressure from DH, he just looks a little sad sometimes when I bid him goodnight and go to the other room. I'm hoping the situation will resolve as DD gets older and sleeps better, maybe last night was the start of it, fingers crossed!

I hope you can figure it out tall blue. It works for some and not others. I'm not a good sleeper. I take melatonin at night and if I wake up too early I'll try a couple of valerian.

Sometimes they work sometimes they don't.

I try not to over stress it. Often oh is snoring his head off which doesn't help. Often he gets up early if he knows I've had a bad night so I can sleep on. It's a work in progress .