Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's going to Prague - final straw?

58 replies

motormama · 19/08/2015 10:11

BF and I have had a lot of issues for the last year. We split in March after he left me waiting for him till 4am after a night out with his friends. We've got trust issues and he knows I don't trust him because of his attitude towards other women. He cannot physically stop himself from checking out any blonde that he sees and he watches porn lots without caring about the effect it has on my confidence in our relationship.

A few months ago he went to Amsterdam 'alone' without telling me and this weekend he left his emails open and i saw he's been planning a trip to prague with a friend that he'd not told me about.

Can i seriously continue to tolerate this when he does nothing to ease or reassure my trust issues? He says they're just going sightseeing... how stupid does he think I am? He's also going to Russia next month... he always jokes about wanting a russian wife...

I think I'm going to tell him that if he goes it's over. He will go anyway, no way he would stop doing what he wants just to reassure me.

Am I being too controlling and insecure? Or is this guy really taking me for a mug?

OP posts:
ShitHappens1 · 19/08/2015 11:04

Oh wait. My phone had kindly uploaded the rest of the comments now! Yours was just a singular post with no responses when I replied. I've just seen the update about him saying he'd just lie if he cheated anyway.

He's a twatbag. LTB.

JeanSeberg · 19/08/2015 11:04

He sounds like a disrespectful dick, however you need to work on your trust issues before you're ready to start dating again.

And there's nothing wrong with going on separate breaks and holidays per se.

nulgirl · 19/08/2015 11:07

Regardless of why he is going to Prague, it doesn't seem like you are wanting the same kind of relationship. You want a life partner and he seems to want something more casual. I don't think there is any point in making ultimatums on the Prague trip as the issue will just come up again. Looks like time to cut you losses and move on.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/08/2015 11:11

Nothing wrong with separate holidays, but not done like this. Booked in an underhand, secretive way, and when he knows OP is off work too, and would probably like to go away herself.

QforCucumber · 19/08/2015 11:12

Seems an odd one, you seem to have a lot of issues in the relationship - I have been with DP for almost 5 years and have been away with the girls more times than I've been away with him, he earns more than me but I pay for myself.
A weekend in Amsterdam, overnight in Edingburgh, a week in Barcelona etc however I have always discussed with him about it and never once have cheated on him.
If he told me I couldn't go then for me that would have been a dealbreaker, he does not own me nor I him.

I am a loyal and devoted girlfriend too, but to my friends aswell as my DP, in the same way he is devoted to his friends aswell as me. You don't have to be together 24/7 and do everything together to prove your loyalty.
Why, if you wanted to go away, would you not arrange something? instead of dropping hints why would you not discuss with him about booking something together?

Original poster
motormama · 19/08/2015 11:17

I used to be so confident before I met him and in the early stage of our relationship. Now it's just in tatters thanks to the constant leering and comments. He does nothing to reassure me and his constant 'jokes' just drag my confidence down even more. I cant go on like this. My heart is breaking and he just doesnt seem to give a toss about it. Only way i can see myself getting my confidence back is to walk away with my head held high.

OP posts:
ShitHappens1 · 19/08/2015 11:21

Then that's what you need to do. Regardless of the insecurity issues or whether holidays separately are ok, the much bigger issue here is his impact on your self esteem and wellbeing. That's really not healthy. You're right to think walking away is the best option x

Nabootique · 19/08/2015 11:21

I think it's a bit odd that he plans these trips without mentioning them, but other than that I have to agree with PPs that he's not really doing anything wrong, and that you are very insecure.

You need to be with someone who is not him, really. There's nothing wrong with either of you, but you are not compatible.

BudgeUp · 19/08/2015 11:23

OP of course you don't want to be going out with a man who is constantly leering at other women. It doesn't make you feel good.

Whatever his excuses/reasons are if you feel uncomfortable about it then that is enough for it to be an issue. Your feelings are valid. Trust them.

glasshouses88 · 19/08/2015 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QforCucumber · 19/08/2015 11:27

If you are not happy then you need to take control of that and do something about it, you are independent and have your own place so if you feel that walking away from this relationship will help you get the 'old you' back then that is what you need to do.

I do notice that you mentioned that he doesn't support you financially, but not living together or having any joint responsibilities then he has no need to support you financially, but this is also a good thing - if you want to leave him you have no ties. you have kept you independence, this will make things easier.

Original poster
motormama · 19/08/2015 11:36

I've posted about this relationship on here before and got very similar unanimous responses: that i'm best off out. It's true; in an ideal world we would be happy together and he would respect me but its clear that that's not who he is. I'm just such a coward that i keep tolerating him. he tells me he will change just at the last minute to keep me clinging on when i'm threatening to leave. This man has openly told me he uses NLP on me and other people in his life and i really feel like ive been manipulated into thinking hes a good boyfriend when all he does is take advantage of my pure, honest love for him with his deceit.

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 19/08/2015 11:40

please please get shot of him.

tribpot · 19/08/2015 11:43

in an ideal world we would be happy together

But what does this even mean Confused In an ideal world he wouldn't be him. But, er, he is him.

You regard your ability to love this man as a major achievement, I think - you describe yourself as loyal and devoted, the love as pure and honest. What's all that about? Why are you focusing in on what you are giving him and not on what he is giving you? You know your role in life is not to love and serve any man who'll have you, right?

Men like him like confident women, so they can break them. Fortunately you've realised this before you got in too deep.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/08/2015 11:44

Definitely pick your self-esteem up off of the floor and walk away.
You are getting nothing positive from this relationship at all.
You are young so get out there and enjoy life.

Stop waiting around for this shit bag to suddenly 'see the light'.
He won't.

Short sharp text - this isn't working for me. Take care.

Inertia · 19/08/2015 11:48

Life is too short to be treated like this.

There's a whole world out there - don't let it pass you by whole waiting in for crumbs of attention from this selfish git.

Original poster
motormama · 19/08/2015 12:42

This time, i'm going to listen to you MNers. Time to get my life back. Thanks for your advice as always Flowers

OP posts:
Hemlockinthegarden · 19/08/2015 15:11

Yes, dump him before he plans the trip after the Russian one to Thailand.

KinkyAfro · 19/08/2015 15:14

Agree with Hemlock, his choice of destinations says a lot, that with the leering at women and porn use make me suspect he's not going for the culture

Inertia · 19/08/2015 15:14

Sorry to be the one to say it, but given how you've described his attitude towards women it might be prudent for you have an STI check.

Glad you've decided to take control of your life- your confidence will soar when it's not being dragged down by a dead weight.

OooMatron · 19/08/2015 21:22

I think he sounds like he is doing this deliberately. He is trying to provoke a reation from you, and maybe he wants you to end it.

Just end it.

Smilingforth · 19/08/2015 22:57

Good on you for taking control. He sounds like a dick

TheOldWiseOne · 20/08/2015 11:12

He sounds like a dead loss - he is on the look out for something else. TV documentary about East Europe just the other evening:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b03ywlk7

ShortandSweeter · 20/08/2015 12:40

Prague's lovely. Defo a place for sightseeing.

Original poster
motormama · 20/08/2015 13:03

TheOldWiseOne Yes I saw this documentary the day after I found out about the planned trip..! massive cause for concern. Some women might be ok with it and are quite laid back about their bf's commitment level I guess. Not me. Plus he's probably made me so paranoid with his behaviour and attitude. I really think he's manipulative at best and EA at worst.

ShortandSweeter Agree. It's so hard to make the call as he's always had an interest in the former communist states and wants to visit them all before capitalism takes hold so half of me does think it's probs innocent and i should just trust him when he says he's not cheating etc. But my gut instinct just tells me its wrong. Conclusion: We're not compatible.

Thanks everyone for your support. Exit strategy being implemented tonight. xx

OP posts: