Friend's dh anger issues

[mikado1]

Posted this in aibu last week and got some good feedback but since then, her dh has completely ignored my friend's attempts to talk about/solve the problem and would like some feedback-I told her I posted the thread. I am afraid that by ignoring it he's made her think it's gone away..

My friend, mum of two toddler DC, told me today that she's finding things stressful at home. I didn't think much of it, lots of people have stressful times and with two small ones etc. She then mentioned that in the last year her DH has kicked a hole in a door, dented a metal bin with a kick and thrown one of her DC's plastic forks in anger, either because of her or the DC.

She has admitted to being very pass remarkable and has tried to lay off on snippy comments but she said discipline is very often shouting loudly at DC, at which they often lash out, followed by storming off and silence (to her). She said it's stressful but didn't seem to think it was remarkable. Am I right in thinking it sounds like he is overly stressed/angry? When she tries to follow up with a discussion he refuses to talk about it.

She's also since told me that he can be very ratty and annoyed in general-answering her and her dc's calling his name with a really cross 'What?' for no reason. I wonder if it's stress rather than anger that's the problem.

or maybe he is an abuser?

Really? Based on that info? That is scary that you might think that. I certainly don't think he is knowingly abusing iykwim. I mentioned his owndad Iin the other thread and it sounds like he was very angry when friend's dh growing up. She is very worried for her dc more than anything, doesn't want them raged atand at lleast she knows it's not her issue but they don't. .

So he's verbally and physically abusive!
Not a good environment to bring up DC.
He needs a big fat wake up call.
I'd be moving out with the kids or asking him to leave (don't think that would go down too well though).
Does she have somewhere she can go.
Only HE can tackle the anger. She can't do it for him.
I really feel for the poor DC being shouted at all the time.
She should call Womens Aid and see what they suggest.

raging at people, silent treatment, kicking holes in a door and wrecking stuff. I am surprised you think it isn't abuse tbh.

It does sound like stress. I know when I'm tired and stressed I get more snippy and short-tempered. I try to make time to relax once a week (easier said than done) as I'm more pleasant then.

Maybe your friend's Dh needs some anger management counselling? Does he work in a stressful industry? Does he understand that your friend is tired dealing with two little ones, and his behaviour compounds things?

We have printed out 'house rules' which say that people must speak nicely to each other. If they don't they sit on the naughty step. The rules apply to EVERYONE in the house. Both DH and I have spent a few minutes on the stairs!

Having said all the above, I don't kick holes in doors or throw things at people.

God I am really torn about it now. Is the bin/door seen as physically abusive? Can anyone help her with a planned script to get him to see how damaging this could be and how serious she is? She really wants to work this out. She has nowhere to gorreally unless she moved quite far from family home. .

I would refer her to the Women's Aid website and ask her to speak to them for advice. She can't work it out if he won't change. All she can change is whether she wants to put up with it and expose her dc to it. And if they are married then maybe he would be the one who would have to leave, not her.

I can only think that she points out that children follow examples adults set them, and if his behaviour is normalised then it becomes something the children will copy.
He shouts - they shout.
He flounces off in a huff - they do the same
He slams doors - ditto

I have seen similar things happen amongst friends families when I was a child, and at the time (ages ago because I'm old) it was not remarkable. Nobody was hitting anyone or being physically abusive to anyone. That was, rightly or wrongly, how that person expressed their anger.

On your other thread you got advised about WA I see. Nothing will change with a man like this, it will only escalate and she will become conditioned to it, and accustomed to walking on eggshells to prevent him blowing up again. No way to live for her, and certainly not a healthy environment in which to raise DC.

SHE can't work it out! Only HE can do that.
No-one on the site is going to suggest she stays with an abusive man.
It's jut not something anyone on here is going to do.
She needs to get him to leave.
He can then work on himself.
Once he is 'cured' she can take him back.
Of course he will never be 'cured'
Men like this very rarely 'see the light' and change.
Even doing an abusers course only results in around 30% success.
The other 70% either continue or learn different techniques to use to abuse their partners.
Tell her to call Womens Aid. They can help her.

But hellsbellsmelons if he's great outside of these times can you really describe him as an abuser? I think pedestriana it's like you say it's how he expresses his anger-and his family life seems to have been as you describe- and he needs to see it's totally wrong. She picks him up on it every time and he will often say 'I didn't shout' but she says he always has, she's not overreacting. He is not a fan of her getting upset about it, says she's overreacting.

So you think abusers are abusive all the time?
Not the case.
A lot of the time they are nice and charming, how else could they hook people and then get them to stay.
This is WHY so many women stay in abusive relationships.
They are always waiting for the change to the Mr Nice Guy to be permanent. It never is of course.

Someone did an analogy on here and this isn't it word for word but..
If I gave you a cup of shit would you drink it?
Of course not - it's 100% shit.
What about if I gave you a cup of tea with just 5% shit in it.
Would you want to drink it then? Of course not.
No amount of shit is OK.

Same as no amount of abuse is OK.

FFS he's damaging property with violence and rage.
It's just not right. What if it's her face or one of the kids another time.
Nothing you've posted says that won't ever happen.
It's always a possibility.
She can stay and take her chances if she wants.
She can continue to keep her children in that environment ensuring a bigger chance of them becoming abusers or victims.
It's her call though.

Get her to call Womens Aid and talk it all through with them. They can help her see what it is if she is 100% honest with them and doesn't play it down. Like so many abuse victims do!

Just wanted to say that I'm not wishing to appear to minimise the situation, and many people are right to pick up that this is not a good situation for the children.

However, I do wonder how (going off tangent) people feel it is appropriate for an adult to express their anger, or do they feel it is no appropriate to be angry? We are all products of our upbringing and we can choose to replay what we've seen and experienced or to take a different tack.

Until I had a child, if I was in a bad temper, I would slam doors and kick things. Nobody was being injured by this (other than me). I've gone into a room and hit a pillow in frustration. I didn't want to direct the anger at anyone, I needed to let it out.

Is women's aid international? We are not in the UK. She has told him they need to talk and he said he's looking forward to it... eldest dc now playing one off another as knows mum more sympathetic and she is then coming off as the soft touch. . :/

Well that's it pedestriana, it's the difficulty distinguishing between the two. She feels most of his family behave similarly.

Well, he has asked for her help to get him some help. . I hope for all their sakes it works. Thanks everyone for advice

He's asking her to get him help? Why can't he get it himself? He's putting this back on her so that when it fails (which it inevitably will because he's not even prepared to make the effort himself) he can blame her. Going back to what hellsbellsmelons says. SHE can't fix him. HE has to do that himself - and that includes finding his own help.

This is a violent abusive man. If a woman was behaving like this would you be so forgiving and minimising? Probably not. We are socialised to accept a level of abuse from men.

The fact that your friend is unhappy and worried about her children should be enough to send warning bells. (And it should be enough to end the relationship too).

I think he just doesn't know where to start.. he broke down and completely acknowledged problem. I am hopeful that is a good sign. I really hope I am not minimising as I am the one who made more of it when she mentioned it last week. I can understand her wanting things to work out.

She told him she won't be asking him to get help again. .

Agree with PP.
HE should be getting help.
He knows the same as she does.
I can research it on the Internet. Just like she will have to.
Lazy arse man.
Get the little woman to solve his problems.
Grrrrrr. I'm angry for her.
If he's serious he gets his own help.

Most people deal with their anger internally. In their head or they let off steam by going for a walk or to the gym. Punch bag. Weights. Running. But NOT by damaging property and scaring the family.

Or therapy. CBT. Learn about ways to control and deal with it.

actually you posted horrific op that is so damaging r children and since then you have dobe thing minimise it and

posted by cat that one...

what I meant to post is that your op paints a very damaging situation for dc to be brought up in and then you proceed to minimise it

this man is not entitled to treat his partner like this