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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband very distant since we had our baby 7 weeks ago

46 replies

Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 02:17

We had our lovely baby girl 7 weeks ago but our relationship is now so rocky. My husband is in almost denial that the baby is now here and refuses to take care of her. He has not changed a single nappy stating "you are better at it than me" and has now taken to the spare room, leaving me to do all the night feeds. He asks why am I so moody and cranky and when I tell him it's because I'm so tired from being up in the night, he says that he's tired too and I need to get over it.
He has become more aggressive towards me since she was born yet claims to love the baby.
During a heated argument he called me a bad mother saying I didn't know how to take care of the baby.
I had a pretty horrendous recovery post labour with my stitches opening up. I was in agony much longer than I should have been and instead of being sympathetic he said it.was my own fault as I had opted for an epidural which in turn resulted in the forceps being used.
I feel at the end of my tether with him. He has no consideration for us and has suggested relate counselling so I can see where I'm going wrong??
I've agreed to go in the hope that his eyes will be opened and he's made an appt on Monday.
I love my baby so much but I feel so tired, emotional and exhausted all the time.
I'm so angry at my husband and feel so lost.
We've been married for 3 years and had our fair share of ups and downs but I was not expecting him to behave like this after the baby was born
Help Confused

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 19/08/2015 02:34

Congratulations on your baby's arrival Flowers.

Some men can behave like arses when a baby arrives. Sometimes this is because they actually are arses, but sometimes it is because they are struggling with the arrival of the baby. Maybe he found the birth shocking to witness. Perhaps he is genuinely feeling a bit useless because you seem to capable and confident with nappy changes etc. Perhaps he hadn't realised how utterly consuming physically and emotionally caring for a new baby can be and he is wondering if life will ever be as easy and calm as it used to be.

None of this means it is OK for him to shout at you, belittle you or be anything less than supportive. Most men manage to get through the arrival of a baby without becoming an abusive twat. The idea of going to Relate for them to tell you where you are going wrong is genuinely laughable.

If you have a supportive HV, could you talk to her? Once she understands the situation, she may be willing to come and do a session with you and your H about the support you need as a new mum.

Original poster
Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 02:53

Thanks for the reply Smile
I didn't know the HV was able to provide that level of support?
I have spoken to my HV briefly about it but just because she caught me on a particular bad morning and I started crying when she came to do baby's weight.
He behaves like a Peter Pan and in total denial that this is happening and there is a baby that needs taking care of.
I encouraged him to attend a work thing tonight which meant him entertaining work clients at a fancy meal and stopping the night over in Manchester just so I could get some space from him and the fool has not even considered phoning or texting me once to see how me or baby is doing!Shock

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 19/08/2015 03:04

Your HV should be your point of contact for accessing the support and advice you need to ensure the best outcomes for you and your baby. If she can't help, then she should be able to refer you to the people who can. She can provide all sorts of parenting advice and there is no reason why she shouldn't include dads in that advice.
Did your H attend any antenatal classes with you? Has he ever been given any information about life after childbirth? It clear he knows next to nothing about pain relief or childbirth, or being a supportive parent, so I'm assuming he also knows nothing about PND, recovery timescales, feeding decisions etc. etc. He needs to get himself properly informed - and that is how the HV can help. Although she can't make him change how he chooses to behave if he still wants to be an arse...

Enjoy the peace tonight. Grin.

DisillusionedGoat · 19/08/2015 05:31

I am sorry that your DH is behaving in this way. What was the relationship like before baby and pregnancy? Were you happy, was he kind, thoughtful, and supportive towards you? Has there been a big change in his behaviour towards you post baby?

I would suggest that for now, as pps have said, HV for help and support. Do you have family nearby who you can support you? Please take care of yourself and your lovely precious baby.

I hope very much that his behaviour is temporary and not just who he is... Flowers

StarlingMurmuration · 19/08/2015 06:29

Poor you! That sounds really awful. I don't have any advice except to second the suggestion to talk to your health visitor... And to ask if your area does Homestart? It's a volunteer organisation where you get matched up with a lovely helper who comes by once a week to give you help with your baby, even if that's just to let you sleep. All CRB checked etc. I have a Homestart volunteer and she's brilliant.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2015 07:03

I'm sorry, this sounds very tough. Your husband should be the first point of support for you right now. I know some people do find the transition to parenthood extremely difficult and he is currently lacking the empathy chip.

You are managing singlehandedly so are far from a bad mother - easy to be critical when his input is zero and he probably tenses each time he hears DD cry. If he has been a good partner prior to the baby's arrival don't write him off yet. He may have felt powerless and frightened for you when you were in labour and resents DD because of that.

I hope you confide in your HV. Are you on good terms with your in-laws? What if any support do you have from family? The Homestart suggestion is great.

Offred · 19/08/2015 07:33

I err on the side of intolerance having had 4 babies with idiot men like this.

Tell him to move out. Focus on the baby instead of his drama. It's not up to you to work out why he's being an abusive arsehole and mother him. You need to mother your actual baby and if he refuses to be a father and a partner his living situation should reflect that house of his. IMO....

Offred · 19/08/2015 07:33

*choice not house!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 19/08/2015 07:49

"We've been married for 3 years and had our fair share of ups and downs"

Hmm, what were these "downs", and how frequent were they? Maybe I'm unrealistic, but to me a good relationship (especially a relatively new one) doesn't have its "fair share of downs" Confused

Topseyt · 19/08/2015 16:35

Having a baby, especially a first baby, is quite a culture shock, that much I will concede. It is entirely possible to not know which end is up afterwards, but that doesn't excuse his stroppy (and I would say spiteful) comments.

He seriously thinks that your problems with your stitches following a traumatic delivery are your own fault because you opted for an epidural!!! What sort of an arse believes that bollocks? Where did he gain his medical training from, qualifying him to make such proclamations on something he will never even have to experience?

In addition, he suggests counselling so that YOU will see where YOU are going wrong!! He, of course, is getting everything spot-on and perfect!

You are doing great. Believe that. He, on the other hand, is a twat. I agree that you should open up to your Health Visitor. They are there to support you, and to decide what support you need as a new mum.

dodobookends · 19/08/2015 16:43

He is probably mistakenly wondering when life will get back to 'normal'.

ValancyJane · 19/08/2015 16:58

Congratulations on your DD Flowers

He sounds like he's being a total arse. If you do go through with the appointment with the Relate counsellor on Monday, do remember that it is your opportunity to talk about where things aren't going well - and how you need more support. If he's honestly expecting any counsellor worth his/her salt to point out where you are going wrong in caring sorely for your child, I think he is in for a serious shock!

As for telling you that your problems with stitches were your own fault, what an absolute twat. It sounds like you are doing a great job under the circumstances. I hope he sorts his act out soon. Huge unmumsnetty hugs to you!

Topseyt · 19/08/2015 16:58

Dodo, perhaps you are right, but one of the first things you learn as a first time parent is that there is no way back to normal, because there is in fact no way back at all.

It is probably the establishing of a new "normal" for going forward with the baby in tow that he doesn't want to get. Or perhaps he is now refusing to think that it also applies to him as well as to the OP. Either way, he is behaving like a prize arse.

ravenmum · 19/08/2015 17:14

How is he being more aggressive?

Original poster
Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 19:28

Thanks for all the supportive message. As a newbie to Mumsnet I was not expecting such a response but it was so nice knowing that there are people listening Smile
I'm unsure about speaking to my HV only because I feel that I will be judged as "not coping" or that there are relationship difficulties which are having an impact on baby.
I say this with scepticism as I am in the social work profession and am aware of what health professionals listen out for. Sounds silly I know but I am really paranoid about that.
I have a fantastic supportive family and my in-laws are great too, all have offered help and support I think I have been reluctant on taking them up on it, again for feeling judged about not being able to cope!!
As I write this I can hear myself and how insecure I actually am underneath it all which is crazy as "insecure" is never a word I would have associated myself with before I had baby.
Yes he is a complete utter and total twat who feels that our baby has taken away some part of his youth that will never be reclaimed: but it feels like a constant battle - who is more tired than who.. Who has done more housework than who.. Who can wind baby quicker than who...
Not a partnership at all...

OP posts:
Original poster
Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 19:28

P.s I will look into HomestartSmile

OP posts:
SevenSeconds · 19/08/2015 19:32

Please do say yes to your parents and in laws - I'm sure they'll remember what it's like and won't judge you!

But obviously the key thing is making your DH see sense. It sounds like he's being a complete dick. Is there anyone you could ask to have a word with him - a family member or close friend?

HopefulHamster · 19/08/2015 19:35

Many men show their abusive sides for the first time in pregnancy or shortly after baby is born.

If you love someone, you're kind to them. Is he kind to you or the baby?

ThatEffingCreakyFloor · 19/08/2015 19:39

Princess, if you're 7 weeks in & been doing it all yourself, you're a legend. Don't forget that Smile & have confidence in yourself Flowers x

Loraline · 19/08/2015 19:43

You mentioned how insecure you're feeling so I just wanted to add that that's totally normal. I felt like a confident, independent woman before I had a baby and found that those early months massively knocked my confidence and sense of self. You just feel like you don't know what you're doing. You sound like you're doing great though so well done. Take any help offered from family and use it to get some rest.

Original poster
Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 19:45

Yes he can be very kind but equally he can be nasty and vile with his words. Im also guilty of this.
Thanks so much, I'm exhausted, aching, teary and lethargic but I know I can be proud I have done this myself.
It's a shame that my prick of a husband is losing this precious time with our baby. She already looks for me and will only settle when I hold her. husband sees this and feels left out.
Why are men such fucking dicks!? Maybe not all men, but definitely my husband

OP posts:
Original poster
Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 19:47

Thanks Loraline - I feel like I have lost the ability to make a decision about ANYTHING! I've become indecisive and doubtful about my every action.
Please tell me it gets better??

OP posts:
Gooseberrycrumble2 · 19/08/2015 19:47

Is there any chance he could have male post natal depression.

Original poster
Princess9287 · 19/08/2015 19:55

Gooseberry, I did consider this... How would I know for sure??

OP posts:
annandale · 19/08/2015 20:08

it is really hard to submit to the 'not having a clue about anything' in the early months, especially as a normally competent adult. There's so much to learn and you can feel broken down as a person. I think some people react by avoiding the pain. Which also means avoiding the work. Which means they look at themselves (rested, competent, organised) and compare themselves with the broken down person next to them (exhausted, confused, struggling) and think a lot of themselves.

I think Relate isn't a bad idea as both of you are going along wanting to prove to the other that they're wrong. If you're both willing to be honest, you could have an enormous row have a breakthrough.