Husband very distant since we had our baby 7 weeks ago

[Princess9287]

We had our lovely baby girl 7 weeks ago but our relationship is now so rocky. My husband is in almost denial that the baby is now here and refuses to take care of her. He has not changed a single nappy stating "you are better at it than me" and has now taken to the spare room, leaving me to do all the night feeds. He asks why am I so moody and cranky and when I tell him it's because I'm so tired from being up in the night, he says that he's tired too and I need to get over it.
He has become more aggressive towards me since she was born yet claims to love the baby.
During a heated argument he called me a bad mother saying I didn't know how to take care of the baby.
I had a pretty horrendous recovery post labour with my stitches opening up. I was in agony much longer than I should have been and instead of being sympathetic he said it.was my own fault as I had opted for an epidural which in turn resulted in the forceps being used.
I feel at the end of my tether with him. He has no consideration for us and has suggested relate counselling so I can see where I'm going wrong??
I've agreed to go in the hope that his eyes will be opened and he's made an appt on Monday.
I love my baby so much but I feel so tired, emotional and exhausted all the time.
I'm so angry at my husband and feel so lost.
We've been married for 3 years and had our fair share of ups and downs but I was not expecting him to behave like this after the baby was born
Help

Hmm. My DH wasn't brilliant when the DSs were tiny. He DID stuff but he was stressed and could get snappy. He was NEVER actually horrible though. I think a lot of it was that he felt he couldn't do stuff as well as I could.

I remember one occasion when I'd been to see a friend while he had the boys (about 2 and 3 at the time) and I came back and he was grumpy. I got cross and told him to stop being so humpy and he said "I'm really sorry. I just struggle a bit. When you get home it's like the cavalry arriving" :-D

But your DH actually sounds unpleasant. Only you know if that's really him.

I would have called myself a competent and confident person before I had my DD1 (20 years ago now). I was totally unprepared for how hard the first few months would be, and that confidence was in my boots by the time she was a few days old.

One thing both my Mum and my MIL said to me at that time was that although their first babies were long planned for and much wanted, they too were overwhelmed by it all and found it a very hard time too. It really helped me to just know that they understood how I was feeling, and that I wasn't alone or a freak.

Accept all realistic offers of help from your parents and in-laws. They probably really want to help, but may want to avoid being perceived as interfering, so will wait for your say-so. Talk to them too.

I wonder if your in-laws are aware of how badly their son is behaving to his wife and 7 week old daughter. He is being really twatty and insensitive. He should be trying to help where he can, changing the odd nappy, getting used to being a Dad, making sure you are eating reasonably well etc. My DH cannot cook, but he makes a good sandwich and cup of tea, so I lived on that for the first little while. He is no angel, he needed to be kicked nudged awake when it was his turn to see to baby during the night, but he did do some (bottle fed, so he could do a shift at it). Your DH needs to climb down off his high horse and muck in with a much better grace.

Some men just don't have a clue how their life is going to change when a baby is born. I remember my dh (then dp) sent me a birthday card with 'blah blah happy birthday blah, can't wait till baby is born so we can go out and have fun again'. Wtf?
Either he steps up and cuts out all this bollocks or he moves out to give you space. Trust me, you'll be happier.

m.raisingchildren.net.au/articles/men_and_postnatal_depression.html

Follow my link! Looks interesting.

I'm with Offred.

If I were to ignore the abusive behaviour. This is the time both of you should be focusing on that wee scrap of humanity. Not fannying around over his immature bollocks. Your daughter deserves that time to bond with you both and certainly doesn't need you distracted going to Relate over his perceived slights.

Looking at the abusive behaviour. Seriously, more aggressive implies he was already aggressive. You deserve more. Your DD deserves more. Leave and go to those supportive parents.

Congratulations on your DD. Seven weeks. Lovely

It's so refreshing to hear all of this. I thought I was alone with no one who understood. Even though he's in the house I am keeping away from him and having some space. I can sense he is already feeling it as he keeps trying to talk to me or cuddle me. He can sod right off.
Yes, I do imply he is more aggressive now as he was aggressive before. He has the most vile temper and can shout and scream if he feels that he is not getting his way. He was a total dream throughout the pregnancy and I really thought our relationship had moved to the next level, emotionally.
But after my daughter was born, he has regressed and has forgotten about how lovely the time was between us. He would rather prove his point than reflect.
Twat.

Hi OP. Normally I would suggest getting a coupe of large male relatives over to smarten him up. But given his rage and self-obsession, best to cut your losses.

As a new dad, I was stressed and scared. But there was a little person who pulled funny faces! You could get her whole foot in your mouth! And when she went to sleep on you, it felt better than heroin*.

*Post op diamorphine actually.

Only you know how he is behaving.it is always easy for others to say leave him. I would tell him to move out temporarily perhaps till he gets his shit together.
He is ruining the most precious time for you and you won't get this time back. It sounds like he will just take away your confidence until you don't feel like you can cope without him. The aggression is something that may just get worse and you have dd to consider now too.
I really feel for you. Please try not to believe his put downs about the birth or your mothering skills. If you can talk to your parents or his then perhaps you could? Though if he is an abusive man then that probably won't change anything, it may just make him meaner.

Can you stay with your mum and attend relate sessions?

Maybe a break might help. Bit if space to review things

He has no consideration for us and has suggested relate counselling so I can see where I'm going wrong??

Well you must do that if only so you can see his face when he realises that actually it doesnt work as him presenting a list of your "faults" and Relate telling you to sort yourself out.

But I agree, get some space. Attend Relate to see if you can sort this out and if it is just a blip, but you dont have to live there under his constant criticism. How dare he call you a bad mother when he hasnt actually got any fathering under his belt?! If you were such a bad mother he would pull his head out of his arse and change a nappy or 2 himself, but he doesnt want to do that, far easier to criticise you.

Darlin' op you gave him the best in the world and your nature and evolution won't ever change that.

Thankfully we women don't have to totally rely on these man children any more. But we do have to discover why we and they're so incorrigible.

Queen Victoria had 9 babies. Is sex power? I think so.

Sounds like he may be reverting to type now?

Go to your parents with the baby for a few days if you can. Just to get a bit of space, and people you can talk to who will understand and support you.

hossenfeffer (love that song, my mother used to sing it to me and DSis)

I am at a bit of a loss as to the point of your post.....

I am considering asking him to go back to his parents for a bit. I'm not prepared to leave our home and take all of baby's things with me, it's inly fair for him to go.
He returned from his evening away last night absolutely hungover. He quietly told me that he had drunk so much that he threw up.
It's like he is in denial that he is now a father and is regressing!!

I cannot handle two babies

He wouldnt be the first to do that.

"ARRRRGGHH!!! Baby, real life responsibilities!!! If I ignore it then it wont be real and it will all go away!!"

And then, usually, they grow up and accept their new life. I think for us it can be a bit easier in that we give up our bodies for 9 months for the child, so when it arrives and it is totally dependent on us, its not so much of a culture shock. For the parent who is not carrying the baby, its more of a concept until it actually arrives, and then there is the shock that hits. I read a very interesting article a couple of years ago about a lesbian couple who had a similar issue, the woman who wasnt pregnant reacted in almost the exact same way as your DH, and they almost split over it.

I agree that he needs to move out for a few weeks at least. Put to him that you both need time to think and that it may be easier to do the first few Relate sessions with you both having time alone afterwards to digest what you have talked about.

Once he realises that you are not going to just accept him acting like an arse, it may be a wake up call for him. Good luck

Thanks Bogeyface.
I think I expected him to fall in love with our baby at the same pace as me. The first two weeks were difficult for both of us and I definitely had a case of the baby blues but DH has not come out of this.
During an argument he even through back in my face the fact that I was tearful to begin with.
Dickhead.
right now I can't stand to be around him. I hate the sound of his voice, his presence, everything.

I'm actually looking forward to relate - to see the look on his face when he will have to confront his issues.

Yes, I think Relate will be an eye opener for both of you.

Whether he takes it on board or not will be another matter though. I hope he does.

take care x

Bogey. My point is that the man completely left all the responsibility to me.

Good idea if you can send him back to his parents. Maybe they might then start to realise how twattishly he is behaving and pull him up on it, especially if they are keen to be involved with the baby too.

If you can persuade him to go then get some of your own family over to help you out for a while. I would think that would help a fair bit.

As you get on well with MIL and he needs time to bond with his baby, could you get MIL to come and stay with you for a bit? He may feel more at ease seeing how his mum is with baby, she may observe his behaviour and tell him some home truths/ back you up and another pair of hands could ease the day to day tasks and help you with sleep.