Why do I HAVE to accept my dads new GF?

[timeou]

Long story short, mother passed away late last year and within weeks dad is dating a woman 10 years younger than him. I'm reasonably happy for him, he lives miles away and doesn't have a close relationship with me or my kids so it doesn't really practically impact on my life although privately I have struggled to get my head around it.

Dad has gone head over heels for this woman and her him so it seems but quite soon she tried to 'lock horns' with me over small things, things I'd discussed with my dad, text messages between my dad etc. My dad became really strange and distant, I felt him withdrawing from me, he stopped answering my calls etc. I found out that she was telling my dad to stop talking to me. I can only think it's being done to assert her authority alongside my dad. I tell my dad I don't appreciate her interfering between us, I don't want arguments and hassle in my life and that id rather not bother with her if it's all the same to him. I reminded him she's not my mother, she's his GF and if I don't want to have anything to do with her then I don't have to. I'm in my mid forties and just cannot be bothered with people who don't bring peace and happiness to my life.

My father has taken great offence to this, her feelings have been terribly hurt apparently and in a nutshell unless I accept that she's now part of the family then I can go to hell myself. So, I went NC, didn't contact my dad for ten weeks. I thought I'd let the land lie etc. he ignored my birthday which hurt me terribly and this week I broke and called him as quite frankly I've missed him. He gave me short shrift and told me nothing had changed - she comes first and I'm to respect her.

So that's it. I still can't quite believe my dad is doing this. Anyone else been in this boat and how did it turn out? I suppose I should have seen it coming, my father always put my mother first even when she emotionally and physically abused me, he was too weak to put a stop to that too. I just don't know where to go from here.

As lots of other posters have said you've got to talk in s direct open and positive manner. Good luck

Well, to update this thread, after not hearing from him since I called him and he gave me short shrift I had a call from an unknown number on my mobile last night. It was his girlfriend demanding that I go to visit them to 'sort this out'! I told her that all I needed to sort out was to do with my father and not her! I can't believe he gave her my mobile number and can't believe he hasn't had the decency to contact me himself. He just cannot stand on his own two feet at all.
When I said that I thought I should be speaking to my dad she said 'there we are then you obviously don't want to sort anything' and put the phone down. Very cleverly they've turned the tables and now it's all my fault.

I'm sorry
Dealing with such drama queens it so difficult. They make mountains of everything.

Could you phone him and ask if he had asked her to phone you as you're now confused? Tell him that you didn't understand part of what she was talking about so make up some waffle loosely based on the conversation and take it around it circles. Ask him to clarify. And tey to arrange a quiet one to one meet up.

Is it worth a try?

Timeou, I feel sick reading your OP and subsequent posts. You could be me. I know exactly how you feel. It is agony.

I wasted 6 years trying to accept my father's new wife, to include her in everything, to respect his wishes....all while swallowing my pain. I wish I had never bothered. This is a woman with no living parents, no siblings and no children and lives in fear of my dad abandoning her. Eastern European and 19 years younger than my dad (neither of which I have a problem with if she was an ok person).

When I had my son last year I gave up...when they visited me in hospital the day after my c section my dad had nothing for my new son, they came in and asked where their tea and cakes were, and she gave me a 'Power Butts' exercise DVD. One day after my section.

My dad was not allowed to see me without her there, and she wanted to monitor his emails to his children. And he let her. About a year ago I finally told him exactly how I felt....he went home and told her everything. I am now OUT. If he ever contacts me again then she will leave him. He is petrified of this. We have never spoken since.

While I hate her, I am so very let down and disappointed by my dad. As a loving daughter to find out your father is spineless is heartbreaking.

Neither of them will ever hurt me again. I will be fine. But the rejection of my son, his grandson, is truly painful. No one will EVER come between me and my son.

OP My heart goes to you. I've done this for years and I am finally putting it behind me and accepting that people can be an enormous let down and not who you believed they were throughout your childhood.

Big support to you as you go through this emotional process.

Its so incredibly painful, it's like a sudden bereavement. I can go a while and not think about him and then I'll have a memory and have to be biting back the tears.
I'm so hurt that when I did call him as I was desperately missing him he told me he didn't miss me, he was so cold and detached, I don't know what on earth has happened to him since he's met this woman. She is all he cares about - he made that very clear. A woman he's known 8 months.

I'm so sorry to you LHReturns and everyone else who is going through this.

Timeou it is so like a bereavement. You have described your feelings so like I experience this sadness too.

My dad who did my maths homework with me, took me to gymnastic competitions, told me I was wonderful and could achieve anything I wanted in life if I worked hard enough....he doesn't want me anymore because he is dancing to this complete witch's tune.

I am so sorry to you too. The confusion and rejection is palpable, and you sound like a wonderful daughter.

Something that has helped me is to build on my other male relationships (my stepfather, my godfather)....this has helped, and they have helped me.

My DH is marvellous and my rock, my children are very stoic about their 'bampa' and the situation, just wish I could come to terms with it all. Time, it'll get easier with time I expect.

I really really do understand. I am here any time you want to talk about how it feels.

For me time has helped me to reach a new normal. Not the same as before, but a new totally acceptable normal where I now feel sorry for him. And I never have to think about her anymore, which is one great silver lining.

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words x

Wait for him to come to you. He will and then explain in no uncertain terms that you want a relationship with him not his OH.

It may take time but he will come

I posted earlier because of 'dad' issues.
My are a bit different in that I have been living with a non committal dad for 23 years. And the realisation he was shit long before that.

It's all coming to a head because my stbxh has become a shit dad and it's tearing my DD8 up inside.

Dads and daughters is so tough. I'm having counselling and it is really helping. I've a lot further to explore, I realise I'm subconsciously projecting my father issues into my daughter with her father.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting if it gives you comfort. And I didn't mean to talk about me so much

LL0015 - that sounds hard but I'm glad you are getting counselling. I hope your DD is ok.

timeou I was hoping you'd update, though sorry to read this outcome. I hope that in time he will see sense and get back in touch. You're doing the right thing by ignoring her drama! I understand what you mean by it feels like a bereavement. Glad you have some good support from your husband

I sympathise with you in a nightmare situation. I also think you are being unreasonable in expecting your dad to have a relationship with you in a vacuum. As you say, you are an adult, not a dependent. There is no reason why he shouldn't be with whoever he wants and loyalties shouldn't really come into it. It's a shame that he doesn't feel the kids come first, even if they're adults, but I can't help feeling that adult kids should never make him choose. And it is a kind of choosing, telling him that you'll only see him on his own. I wonder if he is overstating his feelings for her out of defensiveness, grief and protectiveness towards her? I can't see how any man is going to ask his recently bereaved GF to spend birthdays, Christmases and other family times on her own indefinitely. If there are relational issues, address them. I know people who have ended up having to apologise to a recently bereaved widower and his partner because they were protective of him and suggested he should be careful. They had the grace to understand it was coming from a well-intentioned place. My own father lost my mother six months ago. If he meets someone new I will be putting points across firmly and pleasantly to them both if it seems necessary, but I will be avoiding situations that polarise us.

I would just emphasise that your father is in the depths of grief, whether he's consciously aware of it or not. His behaviour is not going to make sense on an emotional level at this stage. That doesn't excuse everything he does but it helps to explain it.

Im a bit unclear about his girlfriend phoning ,did she say she was calling on you dads behalf?If not,and this is just a suggestion,it could be that your father is being as miserable as you are and that shes fed up of it and wants you both to sort it out.

I'm not sure why she called me and not him. She phoned to say that I was to go to their house to sort it out. Summoning me like I was a little girl. My father obviously can't deal with anything himself and has to have her to speak for him. He was sat alongside her when she made the call.

I told her that I would rather sort things with my dad and that I wasnt coming if she'd be there.

My father immediately called my nan (his mother) and told her he'd been in touch with me and that I'd told him I didn't want to sort anything out. very clever as it looked like I was being the difficult one.

I told my nan afterwards that it was the GF that called me and she was naturally angry as my dad made out to her he had phoned me.

I've always been the family scapegoat so it's easy for my father to lay the blame at my door. the family dynamics are exactly the same now as when my mother was alive. I'm the bad one who can do no wrong, my father is downtrodden and has a woman who speaks for him and my brother (who has had exactly the same arguments with my father over all of this) is apparently forgiven (the golden child).

Sorry I'm the bad one who does EVERYTHING wrong.