Why do I HAVE to accept my dads new GF?

[timeou]

Long story short, mother passed away late last year and within weeks dad is dating a woman 10 years younger than him. I'm reasonably happy for him, he lives miles away and doesn't have a close relationship with me or my kids so it doesn't really practically impact on my life although privately I have struggled to get my head around it.

Dad has gone head over heels for this woman and her him so it seems but quite soon she tried to 'lock horns' with me over small things, things I'd discussed with my dad, text messages between my dad etc. My dad became really strange and distant, I felt him withdrawing from me, he stopped answering my calls etc. I found out that she was telling my dad to stop talking to me. I can only think it's being done to assert her authority alongside my dad. I tell my dad I don't appreciate her interfering between us, I don't want arguments and hassle in my life and that id rather not bother with her if it's all the same to him. I reminded him she's not my mother, she's his GF and if I don't want to have anything to do with her then I don't have to. I'm in my mid forties and just cannot be bothered with people who don't bring peace and happiness to my life.

My father has taken great offence to this, her feelings have been terribly hurt apparently and in a nutshell unless I accept that she's now part of the family then I can go to hell myself. So, I went NC, didn't contact my dad for ten weeks. I thought I'd let the land lie etc. he ignored my birthday which hurt me terribly and this week I broke and called him as quite frankly I've missed him. He gave me short shrift and told me nothing had changed - she comes first and I'm to respect her.

So that's it. I still can't quite believe my dad is doing this. Anyone else been in this boat and how did it turn out? I suppose I should have seen it coming, my father always put my mother first even when she emotionally and physically abused me, he was too weak to put a stop to that too. I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm very sorry that your dad is treating you like this especially after the loss of your mum. Sadly whilst he continues to see this woman I don't think he will change his attitude so you either have to accept the way he is with you or do this no contact.

Some men seem to put the new woman ahead of their family and won't accept any criticism or modify their behaviour. It must be very hard for you having your dad take this woman's side and can only imagine the hurt you felt on your Birthday.

I'm sorry that I can't say that I think things will resolve themselves in time, but sending you and sympathy and I'm very sorry your dad isn't treating you the way a good and loving dad should.

Just because she has money doesn't mean she doesn't want more. Perhaps she'd like to retire early, buy a second home abroad etc. Who knows. Money is such a common motivation I think it would be naïve to rule it out.

By your own account you don't see him that much, so it's not as if she's fighting to not have to spend loads of time with you. She's got you to herself anyway.

I meant she's got him to herself not you.

It sounds like your dad has a type.

He married a woman who was abusive to their DC and was either too weak or just didn't care enough to prevent the abuse.

As soon as she dies he has moved on to another woman happy to be vile to you.

I think you just need to stay NC. Sorry.

Well shes already given up work since they've been together so that doesn't bode well. I suspect despite her being well off, money is the motivating factor here.

I would just be careful about any decisions you make whilst you are still grieving your mum. Give yourself some time before you make major decisions like going NC.

pencil
My father was posted abroad, met a woman and never came home. he blamed me for losing his promotion (I asked his CO what was going on and he was found out in his affair) and never spoke to me again. He not only ignored my birthday, he returned a christmas gift I'd sent him, unopened.

I have been NC for 23 years and counting.

He has totally ignored my dc, his GC, who have never met him, or know wnything about him. Nor do they/I want to.

How do people do this to their kids? That's what I just cannot understand. Me neither. a

So sorry for everyone who is going through and has gone through this. I can't quite believe things have turned out like this but I have a fantastic DH and 2 lovely children. I shall have to try and remember its his loss, he has no other GC's (apart from the ones this woman has - they all dote on him by all accounts...) we'll see, things may change in the future and he'll need me.

I will never forget this though.

He's a spectacularly weak man huh

I could see my dad doing this, no trouble.

I hope you don't think this is flippant but have you read A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian by Marina Lewycka. It's about precisely this scenario and I can't help thinking the author experienced something like it first hand.

Some parents are just crap, op. Sorry

I just typed out a long reply, then realised it was a bit too identifying! I can relate to so much of this. My Dad's wife treated me really badly about ten years ago now - lots of abusive emails over absolutely nothing (once when she felt I'd been ignoring her email, I'd been busy!). They were full of vitriol, I remember showing my flatmates and they were stunned.

She actively set about trying to separate me from my Dad. She actually admitted this to my Auntie once after a few drinks and was giggling over her success, my Auntie was disgusted (but on the plus side, is to date the only member of my family who doesn't think I'm overreacting).

I also got the ultimatum of "X is my wife, you will respect and accept her and I will have nothing to do with you until you comply'. In the same email he told me he would be withdrawing financial support of me (I was at Uni at the time, and he paid my rent as his contribution). I essentially told him to go to hell, and that it was disgusting that he would try to financially blackmail me!

That was about eight years ago now. I went NC straight after that - we are now at a point where we are in touch over facebook. It is all fairly strained and formal. Every year or so he will send me a long message basically saying 'life is too short, we both want to rebuild our relationship, won't you visit us?' Each and every time I tell him that he is welcome to come and see me in the UK (they live abroad, thankfully) anytime he likes, but I will not be seeing his wife. He hasn't bothered, not once. I'm 17 weeks pregnant at the moment, and while I haven't made any kind of ultimatum, if his first grandchild doesn't get him on a plane to visit within about three months after the baby is born (he has the money and recently travelled halfway around the world on holiday) then quite frankly it's game over. I don't think I will forgive him not making his grandchild a priority.

I don't regret going NC. I do wish things had turned out differently, but I can't forgive him for how he behaved - and to a certain extent is still behaving. I'm proud that I told them to go to hell (it sounds really childish when I put it like that) and stood up for myself after a good year of being treated appallingly.

Sorry but this man sounds like a total cunt. He allowed your mum to physically and mentally abuse you, because he just didn't want to tell her not to?! WTF? This woman has done you and your children a big favour, reminding you what his true colours are. Cut him out of your life completely. If she gets rid of him he'll come crawling back at which point you can tell him to go fuck himself.

Valancy - if your DF didn't make his own daughter a priority, he will, sad to say, not make a grandchild any higher a priority. Don't get your hopes up.

Trexing - totally agree.

My husband is in a similar situation. In his case, his father was having an affair with the woman before his mother took her own life and then married her very quickly afterwards. My husband blames his father for his mother's death (long story, but he knew that she was going to kill herself but did absolutely nothing to prevent it) but has tried his best to remain on outwardly cordial terms with both of them although it's been strained and she has obviously been working on his father to keep my husband at a distance.

Things reached a head early last year and my husband went NC with his father after he informed him that his wife didn't like our eldest son (who is 10yo ffs, has ASD and wouldn't hurt a fly) and that if our children ever visited their house (which we have never been invited to visit anyway) she would move out. He has come to the conclusion that his father has chosen this woman over his 'old' family and won't be making contact with them again. I think his father is perfectly happy about this tbh as I think we all got in the way of his shiny new life and were reminders that he didn't want of his old life with my deceased MIL.

Also, as with previous posters, my FIL is by all accounts very wealthy whereas his new wife came to the marriage rather less so. Trusts have been set up to protect the 'family' money, much of which was derived from MIL who came from a very well to do background, and she was full of 'I'm not after any of his money' at the start but yeah right... ;)

My DF met someone within weeks of my quite horrible mother's long overdue death. However, he has ensured that 50% of his visits are without her. And she's not like my mother nice - she made it clear that if we siblings didn't want her there for our first post-death christmas, then she would make other plans - regardless of what our dad wanted There's no competition - it's still a bit weird, mind, but the consideration they have shown has made it easier.

ptumbi I know, you're right sadly that's probably going to be the outcome. I've made my peace with it (of a sort) but am at least giving him a chance... Time will tell!

That's the sad thing really, I wasn't terribly close to my mother due to my upbringing so I'm not overly grieving or missing her. Fundamentally I'm happy for my father, he deserves happiness, companionship and fun in his later years and I don't begrudge him that for a moment.

What I do have a problem with is his disregard for my feelings, my feelings of hurt and abandonment over the fact he is prepared to expect me to chose NC or 'do as I'm told'.

This woman has tried to stop him speaking to me and has been quite hostile. There is no need for it, it is clear to me she feels threatened by me and wants me out of the way.

The fact he's prepared to go along with all of this for an easy life appalls me. I've far too much self respect to allow myself to bother with a person like this, peace is all I want in my life, there was enough upset and problems when my mother was alive. It seems he's swapped one drama queen for another.

God, it's so sad when our parents turn out to be crumbly, no substance at all. We hope and hope but it turns out there's nothing there at all

Mme that is the saddest story

(Not that all these stories aren't bleaker than bleak, mine included)

A myriad of sad stories

springy It's been a tough few years. I think we're much happier now that we're no contact though as the strain was terrible. My husband did his best but felt terribly hurt in the behalf of his mother that he was being expected to accept this woman so quickly after her death. His father is extraordinarily insensitive, I think. We went to their wedding and, along with a room full of other people who knew that their relationship had begun while he was married to someone else who then took her own life, had to sit through a speech which began with the words 'As soon as I set eyes on my beautiful bride, I knew that she was the one for me and the love of my life...' Ugh.

I feel so much sympathy for everyone else going through the same thing. It's awful. :/

OP, it's a coincidence that your mum and this woman's husband died within a couple of weeks of each other, isn't it?

Yes, it was just that - a coincidence. I know what my mother died of, she wasn't killed off if that's what you are implying...

I don't think you have to do anything you don't want to do. However, I also think there are consequences to not doing things and that it is important to recognise this and to think very carefully about what you want here, and to what extent you are prepared to compromise.

You sound like you love your Dad very much, and that you miss him and are very hurt by this period of no contact. He's made it clear that he won't be forced to 'choose' between you and this new woman, and I think he's also recognising a practical truth that it will be very difficult for the two of you to have a relationship without this woman in some way being present (psychologically or physically). I know it's an unfashionable view on Mumsnet, but parents are people too, and when there aren't small children in the picture, they are entitled to make independent choices, even if their adult children don't agree with them! Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that this is a really hard one for you to deal with because the death of your Mum is so recent, and it must feel like this new relationship is a second kind of loss. However, everyone deals with grief differently, and it seems like this is your Dad's way. Accepting that he has found something that makes him happy (even if you don't understand it) is quite important.

Now, it's clearly NOT in any way OK for her to interfere with the contact between him and you. That is asking him to choose, effectively, and it's not any more fair than you asking him to choose. It's you lose-she wins. However, please bear in mind that you going no contact is ALSO you lose-she wins, because you actually want contact with your Dad. The question is, how can you turn this into a situation where you BOTH win??

I think a big part of the answer is in asserting yourself - and please note that there is a huge difference between this and being aggressive. I don't think you have to like this new woman, but I do think that there are more productive ways in which you can respond to her than 'meh' or simply going no contact. I definitely think it would be worth your while doing some serious training in/reading up on assertiveness techniques that will allow you to state (and restate) your rights to be treated fairly in an open and calm manner that is positive and productive of dialogue, without creating undue negativity. Books like Assertiveness: How to be strong in every situation by Potts might be of great help here.

My dad did the same to me but I was only 14 at the time not 40.
He's still with her they got Married and he didn't talk to any of his family until my amazing grandad passed away. He regretswhat he's done, he has quite serious mental health issues and cutting us off is just one more thing he regrets on his clinical depression.

I have no idea why some people are so insecure about their partners past and strive to keep them to themselves. My dad is a weak man and I can't ever respect him for what he done. I am now many years later over it and can feel sorry for him but we will never be close.

It's a sad situation op.

Reading the title and the first line I was about to say what you've said yourself now about companionship etc. but the way your Dad is behaving is so sad.

You saying you called because you missed him really struck a cord with me and then for him to say he puts her first. It must have been so hurtful. Don't get me wrong, controversially, I don't agree with putting children above relationships per Se but, equally I don't agree with putting them below a partner either. A partner could never stop me seeing my children no matter how old they are and my children couldn't stop me having a relationship.

I don't have any great advice but I agree with what others have said about trying to open a positive dialogue, maybe telling him how you miss him and want him to he happy etc. Surely he can't push you to one side and he'll miss you too once the novelty of this woman has worn off?