Advice on dealing with bluntness to the point of rudeness

[tindel]

This is a relatively minor issue, but I am struggling a bit with this one and wondered if anyone had any tips?

My MIL prides herself that she always says what she thinks. Unfortunately, she is incredibly blunt and a lot of the time, it just comes off as rude and / or nosy. She once said she was amazed DH had ever managed to get a gf as 'he wasn't exactly the best looking boy' to his face. Over the years, I've had to put up with minor jibes about various personal things. When I first got with DH, I either ignored it or made a point of not showing offence or rising to the bait in any way. This was partly to keep the peace and make a positive impression.

DH finds it quite difficult - he didn't have friends over from quite a young age because he found her so embarrassing when she would make inappropriate remarks. When I've spoken to him about it, he just says that he is not responsible for the way his mum behaves, but he does notice when she makes these comments to me.

The problem is, I am getting sick of it and it's started to escalate recently, which I think may be connected to us getting married last year after 10+ yrs together and me now being pregnant. When we told them, her first reaction was to check it was DH's 'doing', as she put it. Which really hurt my feelings (although I was too shocked and nervous to say anything at the time) and I decided that I would try and tackle these instances a little more proactively.

I've since discovered, for someone who can dish it out, she seems unable to take it. She recently made a crack about me drinking at least 20 units a week while pregnant and when I responded by mildly saying I resented the implication, she got all huffy and said she was 'only joking'. DH did defend me and point out that wasn't the case, and her response was "well, I know you used to be like that". The woman has never even seen me tipsy.

This weekend, we had a little family get-together. MIL came over to me as she was leaving muttering about how 'she'd been given her orders' and was clearly in a huff. It turns out that DH had had a frank but tactful chat with her laying the ground about how we weren't sure how we'd all be once the baby arrives and we'd probably want some time to ourselves before we'd have people over. Prior to that, she had been boasting to all and sundry how she'd only put 2.5 stone on when expecting DH, making comments on how massive I was, even though I strongly suspect at 33 weeks pregnant, I still weigh less than she does now (she is fairly overweight) and asking me how much weight I'd put on. I just lied and said I didn't know as it wasn't medically relevant, which SIL backed me up on.

Does anyone have any tips on how to tackle this? Ignoring or providing minimal responses to close the topic off seems to be the least stressful way to deal with it at the time, but I don't really want my child exposed to this. As she only lives a few miles away, I can't avoid her, particularly once the baby arrives. It just feels directed at me personally most of the time and I would really like it to stop without WW3 breaking out and her taking it out on DH and her future gc.

I would have got the scales out and made her get on them after you did, to compare weight.

She sounds horrible. Luckily your husband doesn't seem to want her around a lot, either.

Watch out for her telling you you're doing everything wrong, when the baby's born. Avoid her around day 3 as you'll be crying over everything anyway and if she turns up you'll be in a terrible state. If your SIL is OK can you make sure she's always with your MIL when she visits?

Oh she sounds awful.
Could you quietly take her to one side and explain how her attempts at humour are really offensive and hurtful? Explain how fond you are of her but these jibes are affecting how you feel about her.
My Mum and Aunt were like this and I hated how they made me the butt of their jokes in front of others. I remember the humiliation when another relative gasped in shock at how my Mother spoke to me. I stopped going to family gatherings for years because of how she spoke.

A mimophant in fact?

Imperial That would have been quite satisfying, but I know my poor DH would have been in bits, as he is very conflict-averse. I am also a bit of a wuss, and I would rather keep the peace than prove her wrong. SIL is lovely and has no qualms about telling her mum when she's being ridiculous, but she is fairly busy with her own 2 DC, so can't be around all the time. I might try and get her to be there more often though.

Rose I could try that, but I suspect she would be quite dismissive and say I was being over-sensitive and then make a big thing about it at every opportunity. I might give it a go though.

cozie I'd never heard that word before, but it describes her perfectly She doesn't really have that many friends and she does hold onto grudges about how people have treated her in the past.

Both of you need to further establish and maintain clear boundaries re his mother now and particularly as well when your child is born. Presenting a united front is key.

If she goes on about weight now she may well go onto accuse you of allowing her grandchild to become "chubby" or will accuse you of letting said child get "fat". Do not let such a person be much if any influence to your most precious of resources i.e. your child.

Fortunately for your good self your DH seems to have the measure of his mother and it would appear that he does not want to see an awful lot of her either. All credit to him for giving her "her marching orders" as she so rudely put it; some men are infact overtly conditioned when it comes to their mother and will do anything to not "upset" such a person (however, such an action comes at great cost to themselves and their own family unit).

You would not have put up with this from a friend, family are truly no different. If she cannot behave decently then she gets to see none of you.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this could help you as well.

Ok best defence is to repeat what she said .. you know what i used to be like? (questioning voice) now she has the ball in her court while she has to think of an answer (squirm). You on the other hand do not have to say anything or come up with an answer. You think i put too much weight on? Try it, really works.

Tindel,

re your comment (that I have separated):-

"but I know my poor DH would have been in bits, as he is very conflict-averse. I am also a bit of a wuss, and I would rather keep the peace than prove her wrong".

Your DH and you are going to have to toughen up a lot more and from here on in because as sure as eggs is eggs she will start on you via your child from the time he/she is born.

"SIL is lovely and has no qualms about telling her mum when she's being ridiculous, but she is fairly busy with her own 2 DC, so can't be around all the time. I might try and get her to be there more often though".

I would think your SIL does not see much of her mother, she knows what she is like so keeps away as much as possible.

I would think any conversation between you and her would go badly.
The charge of you supposedly being "over sensitive" is often lobbed at the unfortunate relation by people like his mother. It is NOT your fault she is like this, she is choosing to act like this and thinks she is doing nothing wrong here. She feels that you are in the wrong instead.

It was of no surprise to me either that his mother has held onto grudges against people whom she thinks have treated her poorly (i.e. not fawned over her and obeyed her every command) and has no real friends; such people really do not. They are truly to be avoided at all costs.

My natural inclination would in fact be to go for WW3 with such a person because I've found that they have no sensibilities about anything other than themselves and they generally get away with trampling others underfoot because the other people are just so shocked that they say nothing to put them in their place. I don't think there's much you can do to change them once they're fully fledged. (Even if you thought it worth attempting.)

I'll fight that, however, and trust that wiser heads will post. Maybe you could limit contact with her?

How often do you have to see this tiresome, childish bully?

BTW in terms of managing people like this I have found the old dead-eyed stare and "The FUCK did you say?" quite effective, but I appreciate this approach isn't for everyone

Second Attilla's suggestion to read Toxic In-Laws .

Famlies eh?

Can't live with 'em, can't douse the fuckers in petrol and torch 'em.

Attila Weight is definitely one of her things, I will be keeping an eye out for that. DH used to jump every time she clicked her fingers but he's much better now, particularly since I became pregnant.

Sally thanks, I will try that next time and see what happens

Attila yes I do know I need to toughen up and all these tips are really helpful for me doing that. I've always had a really lovely relationship with my parents, so I've never had to tackle a difficult family situation. ILs live about 3 miles away and while at the moment, I don't see much of them as DH tends to go and see them on nights when I'm out, I suspect we may end up seeing more of them once the baby arrives.

Dead-eyed stares and dousing in petrol do sound quite tempting though. I occasionally entertain the thought of starting WW3 and I really wish I had over the paternity comment. I was quite nervous about telling them that it sort of passed me by and I didn't really process it until a day or so later.

I suspect we may end up seeing more of them once the baby arrives.

Start practising saying "No, we're not up for visitors that day/this weekend/this month" with your DH. I'm serious, actually role-play it so you're ready.

Otherwise you're going to have this unpleasant woman banging on your door every day so she can come in and criticise your parenting and tell you "You haven't done much to lose the baby weight, have you?"

Yes - people just pretend to ignore these things (or genuinely don't register them through shock or surprise) so the person is effectively allowed to say what they like with never any comeback. Her childhood and youth must have been ........interesting.

Most people will have something like an Auntie Maisie who is likely to have 3 too many sherries at a family celebration so someone is often detailed off to supervise them and limit damage - but this is something different. Such people will come out with whatever passes through their minds whenever it passes through their minds.

Their thought processes don't really bear thinking about - but that's another matter. I'd limit contact with her very severely.

You need some assertiveness training.
I know I'd be giving as good as I got.

Her - You are massive tindle
You - really? Pot - kettle - black!
And walk away.

Her - you're doing that wrong
You - Oh and I'm taking your advice because you are perfect - don't think so.
And walk away.

And so on..... She'll soon back down or you'll start WW3 but it needs resolving somehow before baby comes along because she WILL get worse then.

This is not a minor issue, the comment about the baby not being your partner's was unforgivable. She is bullying you because she knows you are intimidated by her, and because you are too polite to say anything back. Next time she says something I would leave the room, the house, wherever it is and make it clear I won't be spoken to like that.

The answer, when anyone is rude and then says 'I was only joking, is to say, flatly- 'Jokes are meant to be funny'.

Apart from that, I've tried a multi-pronged approach. Calling them on it- 'What do you mean? Are you trying to say I'm fat/a drunkard/lazy?'; the dead-eyed stare in silence, followed by an embarrassingly-obvious change of subject; raised eyebrows in an 'Oh what an embarrassing faux pas you've just made' and lastly 'If I want your advice I'll ask for it.'

IME, anyone who prides themselves on 'telling it like it is/calling a spade a spade/just being honest is actually just a rude bugger.

When we told them, her first reaction was to check it was DH's 'doing', as she put it.

If someone said that to me, I would no longer be speaking to them and they wouldn't be welcome in my house.

I'd tell your DH you're sick of the comments, you will not go to see your MIL or entertain her in your home unless she packs it in, and leave it for him to deal with.

What a toxic bint!

My mum's like this. Glad your DH is aware of the issue.

Still remember on my wedding day the only speech, in a small room of 12 people was by my husband who started off saying something like "AndDeepBreath is the loveliest person I've ever known", and she snorted derisively and said, "Hah! Just you wait." Total echoing silence and stares. DH upset at his only public moment of affection being squashed. One of many many put downs which are hard to explain to others.

It comes from massive deep-rooted insecurity and jealousy, but that won't help you. If you can, be as serene as possible and ignore her. Drives that type of person mad.

Or don't see her if at all possible. I've been such a nicer, less stressed person since limiting contact, and we now control it pretty tightly...

I have known a lot of people who described themselves as blunt, straight talking, no-nonsense, tell it like it is, whatever. Without exception, every single last one was simply rude and obnoxious, and absolutely unable to take any equivalent straight talk from anyone else.

The good news is that because they're so brittle, it doesn't actually usually take much to get them to shut up, at least around you. They will probably still bitch about you when you're not there, but they are likely doing that anyway, so you aren't losing anything.

They tend to think that everyone admires their straightness, so I think it's best to let them know how they really come across. You can try something like, "Since you admire straight talking, let me tell you that you are coming over as rude and inappropriate, and everyone in cringing for you. It doesn't matter what you intend or believe, that's how you're coming across. I teach my children not to claim they're just speaking their minds when they are being rude and hurtful, so perhaps you could lead by example." And feel free to reduce contact over it. You are under no obligation to spend time with nasty people.

She's not blunt. She's an abusive toxic bully. From experience she'll get worse once baby arrives. At risk of boring myself I'd say go NC. Just imagine the poison masked as bluntness she'll offload onto your dc. No way. Put the harpy in her box now. But its your dh's responsibility. He has to choose who his priorities are now. You cannot give your baby a gm like this.

In the case of such people, I think you often do have to give them a taste of their own medicine because it's the only way they learn how they truly come across. They usually think people admire them for telling it like it is, etc.

So if she makes a nasty comment about your weight, for example, why not just say, "I don't know what you weighed then, but you sure weigh more than I do now, and I'm about to give birth." When she gets offended and angry, you can say, "Well, I'm like you, just a straight talker who speaks her mind."

OP wow, I am currently in your exact position and couldve literally written your post myself! I'm a mn lurker and rarely post but felt compelled to! We have a 1 year old baby and are at the point where mil now refuses to enter our home (I am a very quiet, polite person but since I've given birth I refuse to ignore/put up with the constant nasty comments and rudeness that she brings to my home on visits). I have truly NEVER EVER met anyone like her, she goes out of her way to cause trouble with any and every women in the family incl her own dd. The whole situation nearly split myself and partner of 8.5 years up as he refuses to grow a pair and stand up to her. He says 'it's just the way she is'!!! She no longer visits which is perfect as I no longer have to deal with it ???? however she is now asking if she can look after ds alone at her home! I have to constantly remind dh that I have no clue what mil is like with ds our pfb as she never sees him therefore hardly knows him and has never even fed or changed his nappy in the whole year of his existence and they live round the corner! If she is willing to come over and get to know him then she is more than welcome to babysit him. That isn't going to happen though. This causes huge arguments between myself and dh and it will finish us eventually. I have no advice sorry but I found retaliating and standing up to her after 8 years has made the situation have worse! ??

Ps sorry, didn't realise how much id ranted ????????????