Advice on dealing with bluntness to the point of rudeness

[tindel]

This is a relatively minor issue, but I am struggling a bit with this one and wondered if anyone had any tips?

My MIL prides herself that she always says what she thinks. Unfortunately, she is incredibly blunt and a lot of the time, it just comes off as rude and / or nosy. She once said she was amazed DH had ever managed to get a gf as 'he wasn't exactly the best looking boy' to his face. Over the years, I've had to put up with minor jibes about various personal things. When I first got with DH, I either ignored it or made a point of not showing offence or rising to the bait in any way. This was partly to keep the peace and make a positive impression.

DH finds it quite difficult - he didn't have friends over from quite a young age because he found her so embarrassing when she would make inappropriate remarks. When I've spoken to him about it, he just says that he is not responsible for the way his mum behaves, but he does notice when she makes these comments to me.

The problem is, I am getting sick of it and it's started to escalate recently, which I think may be connected to us getting married last year after 10+ yrs together and me now being pregnant. When we told them, her first reaction was to check it was DH's 'doing', as she put it. Which really hurt my feelings (although I was too shocked and nervous to say anything at the time) and I decided that I would try and tackle these instances a little more proactively.

I've since discovered, for someone who can dish it out, she seems unable to take it. She recently made a crack about me drinking at least 20 units a week while pregnant and when I responded by mildly saying I resented the implication, she got all huffy and said she was 'only joking'. DH did defend me and point out that wasn't the case, and her response was "well, I know you used to be like that". The woman has never even seen me tipsy.

This weekend, we had a little family get-together. MIL came over to me as she was leaving muttering about how 'she'd been given her orders' and was clearly in a huff. It turns out that DH had had a frank but tactful chat with her laying the ground about how we weren't sure how we'd all be once the baby arrives and we'd probably want some time to ourselves before we'd have people over. Prior to that, she had been boasting to all and sundry how she'd only put 2.5 stone on when expecting DH, making comments on how massive I was, even though I strongly suspect at 33 weeks pregnant, I still weigh less than she does now (she is fairly overweight) and asking me how much weight I'd put on. I just lied and said I didn't know as it wasn't medically relevant, which SIL backed me up on.

Does anyone have any tips on how to tackle this? Ignoring or providing minimal responses to close the topic off seems to be the least stressful way to deal with it at the time, but I don't really want my child exposed to this. As she only lives a few miles away, I can't avoid her, particularly once the baby arrives. It just feels directed at me personally most of the time and I would really like it to stop without WW3 breaking out and her taking it out on DH and her future gc.

I have a useful sentence that you may find helpful in these situations,it goes a bit like this

"Fuck off cunt, and only come back when you are going to be pleasant"

Use it wisely but as much as nessacery

Your DH needs to decide where his loyalty lies. He cannot have a foot in each camp. That's the bottom line.

She sounds horrid. Horrid.

I agree with the poster upthread that said she has taken your silence and politeness as an indication that she can say what she likes.....

WW3? I personally would have gone nuclear at her after her comment re: the paternity of your DC. How dare she [anger].

You have two choices here. Either put up and shut up and let her continue to bully you with her straight talking, or pull her up on it. Every. Single. Time. Do you really want your child to grow up seeing his/her granny being like this to their mother? You need to stop this now.

Try repeating what she has said back to her...'you think that I am fat', or being equally rude back 'I'm fat.....but you are what a size 22' or just you could plainly tell her to fuck off with an eye roll.

Ignore mine - I like Needs much better!!!

Once I had to say to FiL "Do you have to practice being offensive or does it just come naturally?" In a 'jokey' way obvs. Didn't see him for a few weeks, but he did make a bit of an effort to engage his brain before opening his mouth.

"Does it come naturally or did you have special training?"
"What?"
"For being a massive cunt."

"Don't be a cunt all your life, Gertrude. Have a day off."

YANBU (and I am a MiL too!)

OP you and DH need to present her with a united front, tell her in no uncertain terms she is a bully and needs to back off, shut up and learn a few manners and if she can't then go NC with her.

She is treating you like shit because she can. What consequences has she faced when she questioned the paternity of your child or when she was rude about your weight?

If it was me I would call her on every rude or shitty comment she makes. If she can't apologise (properly without saying it's all a joke) I would walk out telling her you expect to be treated with respect and if she can't manage that then she won't be seeing you. Your DH needs to be on board and with the two of you united surely you can both face her down?

I would be NC with this woman without a second thought. She is a vile bully and unless you stand up to her you are going to have a lifetime of her treating you like dirt.

My mum is like this. Tactless to the point of astonishing rudeness. I have learned to ignore it. It's not easy! But it's possible. I just remember she's not doing it on purpose, she really thinks it's ok to say these things.

My PIL are incredibly sensitive to any perceived slight on them, but pay no heed to the feelings or wishes of anyone else.

I started out by thinking they were just socially inept. Now I think it's done deliberately to get their own way and really quite deliberate. And I'm not having it any more. I'm sick of losing out because they are far more prepared to be rude than I am, and have a suffocating inability to listen or think about anyone else. So I am going to do an assertiveness course and I am going to learn to put firm boundaries in place.

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to use MN-favoured "Did you mean to be so rude?" YANBU!

i think you should sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel and if possible agree a position to take

I don't know what advice to give really. I have just had a final straw moment with my own bullying mother, and by extension my father who quite frankly enables the whole thing, after half a dozen absolutely spectacular incidences of inappropriate behaviour.

These have included her throwing massive moodies at my father-in-law's funeral and my son's confirmation, publicly insulting my 14YO DS's best friend, booking a holiday cottage for all of us and then spending the whole week openly criticising us all and eventually refusing to eat with us or go out together, and so on. It came to a head when we went over there for Sunday afternoon and she told my youngest (6YO) off aggressively as he walked through the door (he looked so utterly confused - she was apparently telling him off for not having brought toys with him), she then proceeded to refuse to speak to most of us, then threw a massive strop because I was reading one of her home and garden magazines whilst watching the kids play, and that DH was reading as well (neither mum nor dad could be bothered to speak to us much after the first hour so we had given up, basically). Incidentally I am rarely allowed to speak to my dad in private as she pretty much moderates all communication and contact, and it's the same for DH. There is more but you probably get my drift.

I did raise it with my dad and asked him why he didn't have a word given how outlandish her behaviour had got, and he turned nasty and said it was our fault because we had been reading. Bizarre. I then said she was so cold and aggressive and unlike any of my friends' mothers, and why did he never do anything, and he repeated we shouldn't have been reading.

I have been NC since then- I sent dad a very thoughtful birthday card and present but it wasn't acknowledged. On many levels I feel relieved as my mother is pretty toxic and I can now stop having to tiptoe around them both.

I am mindful of the fact that in a dysfunctional family there are two rules;

1. You have broken the rule.
2. The first rule doesn't exist.

In that the protagonist will basically do what they want creating emotional scenes and tension, and then blame other people for it. I think this is a version of what your MIL is doing and you have to decide whether to assert yourself or whether to minimise contact. These people are hugely insecure and generally impossible to fix.

Not sure whether I have been helpful and hope I have not hijacked thread too much.

Thanks for all of the helpful advice - sorry for disappearing, I had to spend a few days in hospital due to blood pressure problems and switched off from the world a bit.

I have had a chat with DH about it and while he still thinks she just has a misplaced sense of humour, rather than being downright malicious, he does see that she is being hurtful and he will stick up for me if and when I call her on it if she does it again. I will see how that goes if it happens again.

Hah! Yes it's always "just a joke" when they're called on it, you sensitive flower you! (Bullshit)

Sadly your DH just desperately might not want to see all the truth (who would?) or have the energy to tackle it since this sort of thing does often end up with no contact.

Really sorry you've not been well, hope you feel better soon and that you get some support and control over all this in the long run. x

OP, I hope you are okay

I must admit, I see only two options for you.

1 is to sit her down and say as bluntly as she would "I find you rude to the point that I don't enjoy your company. You're unpleasant to be around. Sort it out or you'll be seeing a lot less of me."

2 - if you can't face 1 which honestly I think is the best - is to mirror her remarks, fire back a similar one to everything she throws at you. Better still, do it apropos nothing. If she looks large, say "you're looking even bigger today, have you gained weight?"

if she thinks it's fine to "Joke" to you like that, then see how she feels when someone does it back. I know you don't want to sink to her level but this problem isn't going anywhere without being tackled head on.

Sadly, with both of those options, she can just be a martyr forever and ever.

You won't win. You'll never change her. You can't force your DH to see the truth.

Somtimes all you can really change is your reactions to her (ignore ignore ignore) or the amount of time she takes up in your lives (no contact) ... both of which are easier said than done!

Boffin, well put and very familiar!

I think it is only possible to make headway if one says dignified and other family members back you up, having planned to do this in advance.

Insulting the other person will not, I think, help at all. Tempting as it might be.

just to inject a note of optimism, I know people who have called in-laws on horrible behaviour and managed to get it sorted. You don't know until you try.

Is she a self-absorbed narcissist who thinks the only way to be is her way?
Plus she might be a control freak?!

Gift from God? to think she is the best?

Assert yourself now before baby is due.

After baby she will be more awful.

Sorry you are having this in you life.

She sounds poisonous.

I had a friend who prided herself on "saying it like it is" and she was often rude and thoughtless.

In all honesty, I don't think there is much you can do except avoid her as much as possible.

Am sorry to read that you have not been feeling well and hope you are well on the road to recovery now.

Re your comment:-

"I have had a chat with DH about it and while he still thinks she just has a misplaced sense of humour, rather than being downright malicious, he does see that she is being hurtful and he will stick up for me if and when I call her on it if she does it again".

He seems to be deep in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) himself of he simply thinks she has a misplaced sense of humour. Its not a joke, its not funny and her remarks are all malicious. That is also his denial and conditioning talking; I do not think that at this time he can assert himself at all here and worst still perhaps wants this whole problem to go away. Well it will not. Any inertia also on his part simply hurts him as well as you.

Avoid his mother as much as possible; she will start on you or your child given ANY opportunity. Infact I do not think it will be at all possible to maintain any sort of relationship with her now. I would read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

At a work training thing, got told that people like this are often brought up by critical parents themselves- they think it is normal to speak to others liek that as it's the example they were set, but they do simultaneously have deep wounds about how they were spoken to as children, hence being really sensitive themselves.

The tragedy is that they don't have enough insight/self knowledge/the opportunity to put two and two together and realise that if they just stopped behaving the way they themselves find hurtful they'd come in for less treatment like that.

That's just passing on a piece of info I found useful in holding my calm when dealing with a couple of people like this.

The people in question were SIL And MIL. After several things like this and various sibling rivalry types manipulations from SIL, I ended up takign soem action.

Couple of gentle statements- please don't speak to me like this/contact me that way/pry into my life to that extent, either from me or DH. To her credit, MIL said "I didn't like feeling that way when my brothers/sisters do it/did it to me" and promptly stopped and we have a really good relationship now, plus she has found the strength to put a bit more distance between herself and her more "robust" brothers and sisters and is happier for it, as she can spend more time with the gentler ones.

SIL sailed forth regardless and so one day after the third very nosy/offloady email of the day (and that being the pattern for weeks) she got a reply saying "We are not friends. I have asked you to stop talking to me like that and you have ignored me. Do not email me again." She insisted we talk on the ohone right away, I did for a few minutes then made my excuses. DH rang her that night- she answered the phone with "I've gone too far haven't I?". He, very quietly, read her the riot act. She tried some gestures over the next little bit to gain favour, when that didn't work she got a bit more annoying to get any type of attention she could, but that didn't work either, so now we have a bit more distance, I am never on my own with her for even a minute and she knows the frost will never thaw. DH is relieved that he can have less and less to do with her, as she made his childhood pretty hard.

So I would say give fair warning gently, then if the lines keep getting consistently crossed, a really hard, sharp brief shock then hold that line. From a distance.

I have now managed to have a fight with my SIL (another serial critic) which descended into something a bit undignified, as I was trying to assert the fact I didn't want to be spoken to like that any more. It did not end well tbh. At this rate I will soon run out of relatives.