Threats of violence and birthday contact

[Dogsarebetter]

So previous thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2443636-Stopping-contact-I-feel-like-a-bad-person

Not long after posting that I stopped contact after the final straw when he told me he was going to "snap mine and dp's necks" amongst other charming things. Unfortunately DS (10 and not biologically his) heard him and has since refused to have anything to do with him.
It's youngest DS (5 and his) birthday soon and he text my parents saying he would like to see him for a few hours. I'm not happy with this but for DS sake I feel unreasonable stopping him seeing him on his birthday.

I've told him if he wants access I won't stop him but he has to see a solicitor and go through court, which he has said he's not willing to pay for.

Youngest isn't bothered and hasn't asked to see or speak to him. They haven't seen his for around 3-4 weeks.
How would you play this?

He can have phone or letterbox contact

Could your parents allow contact at theirs?

My parents won't let him at theirs due to the threats of violence, and his parents won't accept he's done anything wrong what so ever so I wouldn't be happy having contact at theirs. Yes he could talk to him on the phone but I suspect this won't be 'acceptable' to him and might start a whole new lot of threats because he's not getting his own way. He really is impossible to deal with :(

So all these threats of violence are logged with the police?

I'm not happy with this but for DS sake I feel unreasonable stopping him seeing him on his birthday.

It's not unreasonable for you to protect your son from a violent, abusive, unpredictable man. Especially since you say your son is not bothered anyway! Remember that contact is for the child's benefit, NOT the parents'.

I've told him if he wants access I won't stop him but he has to see a solicitor and go through court

So why consider going back on your word now? If you do, he will now know that all he has to do to get contact is to make threats of violence, and you'll bend over.

Yes the police are aware.

You're totally right pocketsaviour. I just desperately want to do right by DS but I've got to remember that just because he's his biological dad doesn't mean he's a good person. I think I am going to totally ignore him, as telling him no would probably lead to another confrontation.

I would think keeping DS away from this violent abuser is the right thing. Why do you consider a relationship with a parent is always the best thing? Because in this case I think your DS should be nowhere near this man ever. If a stranger threatened you in such a way wouldn't you keep your DC away. Why is this any different. I would think your child would thank you for protecting them rather than berate you for stopping contact.

It'd be unreasonable to subject your child to someone who threatens to break a child's neck. Keeping your child safe is the right thing to do.

You cannot reason with someone who thinks it reasonable to threaten to paralyse a child.