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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crap and suspected crap from ex h

27 replies

keepingmum121 · 18/08/2015 09:32

After not seeing the violent, dangerous, narc ex for years and years...... he turned up at my church on Sunday and then afterwards came to my house to try to get contact with the dds.

He has been told by a judge that he has to only see them in a contact centre, but in the 12 + years we have been apart, he has done this 4 times (arriving late and leaving early).

I could go on for hours about how unreasonable, selfish, deluded, entitled he is.

Nothing he says is EVER worth the breath he uses to speak it. He changes his sweeping statements and contradicts himself constantly.

He now has one of the ministers at my church communicating with him and is trying to use him to gain contact. The minister knows the rules but he seems swayed a little by the ex's apparent distress at not seeing his dds.

The facts are: he makes no effort to see them for years and he then springs himself upon us out of the blue. Last time he saw them was 9 years ago.

Anyway, the reason I started this was to see if anyone knows if it is possible for a person to divert post illegally? I have received no post for days (and I have expected certain items). My house used to be shared when we were married but now it is in my name only. How can I find out if he has done anything?

I am worried because he is adept at fraud and knows people who do it all the time. I have, in the past, had my bank account defrauded by (I suspect) his friend.

By the way, he is Nigerian and normally lives in Nigeria. He told minister that he's been in England for a month already and from one of his comments it seems that he's been stalking us for a while before making his presence known by turning up at church.

I have informed the police and have an incident number. They have called him but he refused to let them know where he is (assume in a hotel locally) and was 'uncooperative' on the phone.

Any advice? I am scared!

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 18/08/2015 09:37

Can you call the post office? Then if it has been diverted back to the police as is it postal fraud and very serious?

I think id have moved :(

Altinkum · 18/08/2015 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 18/08/2015 09:41

If you still have the same surname I imagine it would be quite easy to do. You only have to show ID at the post office and fill out a form. Go to the sorting office today.

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 18/08/2015 09:43

Bit hard with the dds as they are 12 and 14. The older is away on a camp now, thankfully. The younger feels afraid and upset.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/08/2015 09:44

If he had set up a mail redirect you should have received confirmation at your current address (and the confirmation is marked as 'do not redirect' so it should not have gone elsewhere).

Perhaps mail yourself something - an empty envelope? - to test your theory.

Did you have some kind of non-molestation order against him when he was last in the country? It might be worth starting something like that now.

I would be escalating your concerns about the minister to the minister's boss, whoever that is. Understandable that he would want to reach out to someone giving the appearance of repentance but (a) the court order is clear that contact with the children is to be at a contact centre and (b) your ex could be directed to another church to seek support, it doesn't have to be your one. The fact that it is is obviously deliberate.

PigeonPie · 18/08/2015 09:44

You could also test the post by posting a letter to yourself first class today as it should get to you tomorrow.

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 18/08/2015 09:48

I know at least one item sent to me has not arrived. That is what alerted me.

OP posts:
HawkEyeTheNoo · 18/08/2015 10:00

Get onto the post office straight away. See I'd you can have a password set up that must be used to direct mail etc. I'd also phone the bank and tell them and see if you can out a password on that account.
Re the minister, I would be telling him the untold distress seeing this man will do to your children and the ex should not be entertained in anyway should he try to gain any information.

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 18/08/2015 10:07

I will go today.

This is so awful and scary. I hate it. I can't get any injunction because he doesn't live in this country. His harassments are too spaced out for the police to be able to do more than warn him.

Just his physical presence intimidates me, and the fear of what he might do. He knows this.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/08/2015 10:37

If he doesn't live here, how long can he actually stay here for?

Keep a careful log - if he's here for a limited time his harassments may become more frequent.

I still think you should test the letter theory, one misplaced piece of mail may just be a coincidence.

Can you contact Women's Aid for advice as well?

Smilingforth · 18/08/2015 10:48

If you feel uncomfortable also call the police as well as women's aid

Isetan · 18/08/2015 13:29

I would also have a very firm word with the minister and make it clear that you are not open to him mediating or being a mouthpiece for your Ex.

cozietoesie · 18/08/2015 13:40

Surely his behaviour would be grounds for refusal of entry to the UK? (Which wouldn't necessarily help if he came in on a fake passport - but then if he was caught doing that, he would surely be for the high jump.)

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 18/08/2015 16:00

Well, I have been in touch with Royal Mail and they're going to investigate but it seems that nothing has been set up at my address.

I am afraid he has British and Nigerian citizenship (though assume his new wife only has the latter) and has never been arrested so I'm powerless to do much to protect us from him.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 18/08/2015 16:05

Ah. I think that that is different.

Good news about the RM thing though - at least that they're to investigate it. Have you confirmed with whoever it was that a letter was actually sent to you?

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 18/08/2015 16:08

Yes, a letter was definitely sent and not (yet) received. Also, we just got back from two weeks away and there was only one item of post, which is unusual. I still do feel suspicious tbh.

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/08/2015 19:54

That does seem odd, although it's August, relatively quiet for post. Is your address at all hard to find? I sometimes go four or five days without post when my usual postie has a week off and they put someone new on, who doesn't understand the bizarre layout of the area and the fact some people treat the front of the house as the back so the letter box is on the wrong side of the house. Then I get a whole load with 'no entry' and dates written on, meaning the postie has stood outside my back garden trying to work out how to get in and given up.

pocketsaviour · 18/08/2015 20:49

One item in two weeks does sound very unusual.

Does the post come through your front door? Is there any way he could have got in while you were away?

Walkacrossthesand · 18/08/2015 23:58

This may be a stupid question but - if the missing post was while you were away, and he's in contact with church friends (who might have let slip that you're away), there's no way he could still have a key to the place, is there?

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 19/08/2015 07:43

I will just wait and see. My friend has sent me a postcard to test it.

My house is really simple to find so it can't be that. I doubt he managed to get in when we were away. There would have been evidence for sure. I changed all the locks so he can't have a key.

A friend is having a word with the minister on my behalf. He is trying to be supportive but it is possible he may be afraid of my ex himself and therefore loath to deny his demands.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepingmum121 · 19/08/2015 16:04

No post again. This is getting curiouser and curiouser.

Not sure what on earth to do!

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/08/2015 16:17

Well, a postcard might not arrive overnight. See how things are tomorrow. Can you phone a few utilities, or someone who you think should have sent you something, to check what address they have on file? Anything where you have an online account and you can check to see what's listed, like your mobile phone?

pocketsaviour · 19/08/2015 19:28

Postcards IME are de-prioritised, I'd try a sealed envelope with nothing in it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/08/2015 20:17

Have you thought about doing a recorded delivery? Track it and see who signs for it.

AyeAmarok · 19/08/2015 20:51

Perhaps go out and speak to your postman when he's doing the rounds tomorrow morning?

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