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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnany & found out partner visited 'happy endings' massage parlour

57 replies

Timtoo · 17/08/2015 00:34

I am feeling absolutely devastated right now... Last night I found some messages on partners phone and did some research. He has been visiting a tantric masseur in London and paid for 'happy endings'. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and at the time it was just before I got pregnant and for the first three months of my pregnancy. I confronted him this morning and he seems sorry and assures me that it was just during that time. There seems to be no evidence that it happened after. Please help, I'm devastated and feel utter betrayal right now mixed with anger and complete sadness. I feel humiliated. Should I forgive him or leave?

OP posts:
mojo17 · 17/08/2015 14:34

Hope everything ok with your pregnancy
Do t have I the hospital if it stresses you out and if he doesn't understand that's best for you and baby well that really proves he's a selfish wanker doesn't it
So sorry you're going through.this now it's devastating to find out you so called. Est friend and lover and father of you baby is a selfish tossed and not really your friend anymore and you can't trust him
Get your mum, sister, aunti, best friend there with you and let the.
Nurses midwives to be gatekeeper for you While you get yourself in a. better physical condition so you can then try to deal with this head fuck
Good luck

notapizzaeater · 17/08/2015 14:37

Agree, make sure they keep him away from you whilst you decide what you want to do. It would be a no brained for me but everyone is different. Only you know what you can/will put up with.

Jan45 · 17/08/2015 14:40

Vic, a tantric massage is all about sexual pleasure. I actually got confused over the other thread and thought I was replying to the lap dance one.

I still don't get your point other than to say some folk put up with crap partners, yes they do, I doubt they are very happy though.

Original poster
Timtoo · 17/08/2015 14:44

We have spoken about it lots of the last 24 hours and he says that he will do anything and everything to put this right. He agreed to see a counsellor both together and on his own to discuss what and why he did what he did... Pay for hand jobs, cheating and any commitment issues that he has.
We had been together for a year when it happened and he has taken a lot on including being a wonderful stepfather to my 4 year old old during this time. I am not justifying what he did at all, but he says that it was something that he occasionally did before he met me and he had an urge to do it again.... Something about the first time he has actually committed himself to something solid and feeling overwhelmed by the change from single life. Up until now he has been a great partner and father to my son.
I told him that the betrayal is overwhelming and I don't know if I can ever trust him again but he wants us to work through this and is sorry. I've been angry and upset with him and have told him that he should have thought about how important our relationship was before he did this and my confusion and doubt over whether I can ever trust him again. He understands and is willing to do anything to save it.
I've asked him how he would feel if I had done the same thing and he says that it's wrong and agrees that it was a he he mistake. He says he was able to detach himself from the act and in his mind at the time did not see it as the same type of betrayal as a full blown emotional and sexual affair. I have different feelings about this and have told him that I'm not sure what will happen as I'm just too confused right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Timtoo · 17/08/2015 14:48

I've just sent him home as he's upset me too much and hospital have decided to keep me in another night. He just called and was crying telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was.... Bastar* should have thought about that before he did what he did...

OP posts:
mojo17 · 17/08/2015 14:51

Tell him he is affecting your recovery and not to co tact you until you contact him and get another person in to support you asap.
He is not being fair p,acing on your good nature and fragile physical state atm
You are under no obligation to agree anything with him except to look after you and your baby

Jan45 · 17/08/2015 15:33

You don't need counselling OP and I doubt that will resolve his issue either, he thinks he is entitled to act that way and that's why he does, how you un-train a person to behave a certain way is not really possible I'd say.

What happens next time he gets the urge, say in a couple of years time, if things aren't going his way sexually, in other words, he wont change, all you will be doing is forgiving him this time, but there will be more in the future, I'd be very surprised if he stopped this, it's part of his character.

You can stick it out and see what happens but there's no trust there. I think you might find in time you're happier without this worry. I doubt he would have stopped now either, it's only because you found out.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2015 15:33

mojo is right. You need calm and peace and a space to think. If he's truly sorry and truly wants you to stay he will do what you ask.

Is there someone you can talk to in RL? Does the hospital have counselors or a chaplain you'd feel comfortable with.

To me, infidelity of any kind is a deal breaker. Not just because of the fact that the other person has broken a vow, but because I couldn't live with the lack of trust inside me. I know that even if the person became 100% faithful and transparent, that I would never be able to trust them again and I refuse to live a life on tenterhooks, where I was mistrustful and suspicious. It would eat at me constantly.

You have two issues; one is whether or not he will change. The other is whether or not you feel you will be able to let it go enough to trust him. IMO neither can be accomplished without counseling, joint and separate.

Right now, concentrate on yourself and your baby. You are entitled to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your child.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 17:18

op, you do not need counselling

do not let him persuade you to go along to sessions where he attempts to place some of the blame for his sleazy behaviour on you

none of this is your fault

it's his fault....all of it

if he cannot or will not take full responsibility there is no hope for your relationship

you would be foolish to let crocodile tears sway you

Original poster
Timtoo · 17/08/2015 18:25

He is happy to go to counselling for his issues. I suggested couple counselling to work through our issues and the lack of trust I now have. He hasn't blamed me for this. The midwife came to talk to me about it and said that when he asked them to look after me as he was worried (I was crying and asked him to leave) he told her that it was all his fault.. I know that this is not my fault. Right now i just can't get the images of what he did out of my mind, it upsets me so much

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 19:09

Tim, he has cheated. No bloody wonder you "can't get it out of your mind".

he did this to you Sad

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 17/08/2015 19:13

How did the messages show this is what happened? Confused

HelenaDove · 17/08/2015 19:19

He told the midwife it was all his fault did he?

This was very likely his attempt at manipulating the situation so the midwife feels sorry for him.

gaslamp · 17/08/2015 19:33

This would be unforgivable to me - I couldn't bear the disgusting abuse and disregard of the women involved, both me and the prostitute. Aside from that, he sounds like a immature dickhead. You, your ds and your unborn child deserve better than this man. You don't have to continue this relationship. Do you have family or close friends who can support you?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 20:06

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you op. You come across as a very sweet person.

Sorry that he has forever ruined what should be a very special and tender time for you both. Sorry that he put you under such unnecessary stress at such a critical time in your pregnancy where through no fault of your own you had to put the life of your growing DC first above all else.

Something that he couldn't do the same for the price of a wank.

I really don't know what to say to you. If it was me I'd try and carry on alone for a bit to make sure that I protected myself and my LO from any further stress.

He'd have to work really hard over the next few months to prove he was worthy of rejoining your lovely little family. Tell him to come up with a plan. Words and tears are very easy. See the proof of his actions first before you make any further commitments to him.

elizalovelacey · 17/08/2015 20:27

Sorry but you would be a fool to stay with this man.

BifsWif · 17/08/2015 20:32

He's only crying because he's been caught. He wasn't crying over it yesterday, or last week was he?

I'm so sorry OP, this would be a deal breaker for me.

Please try and rest, focus on yourself and your baby right now and give yourself time to come to terms with what you've found out. I'm sorry you're going through this.

achillesratty · 17/08/2015 21:20

You say he is a great Dad to your child but he isn't. If your child is a son what kind of role model is he going to be if he thinks that treating your pregnant partner this way is acceptable, do you really want a man like that influencing your child ? If your child is a daughter, it's almost worse, he thinks that paying someone else's daughter (I presume it was a woman ?) for sex is fine. I would not want a man like that around my chid. He says he is willing to go to Counseling, that's big of him, if he didn't think he was doing anything wrong by buying a wank from a stranger he needs more than help than anyone can give him.

loveareadingthanks · 18/08/2015 00:10

OP, I've really wavered over whether to post this or not, as I don't want to add to your hurt, but I'm going ahead as I was cheated on and it helped me to do this. I remember one evening with a good friend shortly after I found out - and I dumped him immediately by the way, to me it's a non-negotiable dealbreaker to cheat in any way - but we found a funny side to it. It ended up with us giggling over a mental image of her giving him a blow job while he was eating soup from a bowl balanced on her head. It took a lot of the power out of the mental images I was otherwise suffering from, and made them both the pathetic fools they are.

I'm so struck by his utterly ridiculous description of what happened as a 'tantric massage'. I'm seeing Eddie from Ab Fab wafting around in a Kaftan holding incense sticks and doing a sort of interpretive dance round the massage table. With a voice over in an M&S advert voice saying, 'This is not just any wank, this is a tantric wank'. It's comical really, his sad little attempt to justify it to himself then and now as something 'higher' than a wank from a prostitute, which is all it really was. What he did is not funny, but his stupid thoughts about it and the set dressing and pretence that went with it, is. What a sad little man he is.

You don't have to decide anything right now. You don't have to plan for anything right now. You don't have to see him right now. You don't have to agree to anything right now. Longer term, you may stay together, you may not. You are not obliged to 'try' anything if you don't want to. Listen to your gut reaction but you can't worry about all that for the moment. Concentrate on getting well and your baby.

I agree that all the tears/apologies don't mean jack shit. He would never have felt sorry if he'd not been caught out. He would have continued thinking it was all just a harmless little thing he did.

He is presenting it as if he only had two choices. Cheat on you by having an affair, or visiting a prostitute, and he felt the prostitute was less damaging. Actually, there was a third option. How about not cheating at all and having a quiet little wank, like most men would do? That's a very worrying mindset he has.

ItsOnlyACake · 18/08/2015 00:24

OP if he was feeling horny and you weren't in the mood then surely he could knock one off in the shower rather than going for the happy ending...

lunalelle · 18/08/2015 00:30

It makes me sad tha you refe to the 'lack of trust you now have' as if it's somehow partly your fault.

The lack of trust he caused, more like.

smink · 18/08/2015 00:39

You say he wants you to firgive him. He wants you to work it out.

Has he asked you what you want? And really meant it (rather than I'll do anything you want as long as it is take me back and forget what I did).

Forget the good dad bit. He's not beena very good partner.

What do you want?

Original poster
Timtoo · 18/08/2015 01:20

Lovereadingthanks... That did make me smile... He never used the term tantric massage, I saw the website he had booked from so used the term based on the info there.
He has asked me what I want and of course I answer by saying things that are unobtainable now... Like I wish he had never done this. How I wished he had given the consequences of his selfish needs more thought. I love him but utterly despise him right now. I want to be able to work this out but not sure I can without help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timtoo · 18/08/2015 01:22

The messages on the phone were booking confirmations. I googled the number and found this
www.puretantricmassage.com

OP posts:
Original poster
Timtoo · 18/08/2015 01:24

Thanks for all your messages....

OP posts:
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