Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive crush on best friend's brother

58 replies

CaptainSwan · 16/08/2015 22:20

I'm after some advice, I've been friends with her for the last 9 years, and first met her brother the same year. He was single at the time and I remember getting the feeling he was interested in me but nothing at all ever happened- we had a giggle, bonded a bit on a night out but that was all.

Over the years I've seen him usually a couple of times a year, ever since that first time he's always had a girlfriend. When I saw him about a year ago I remember thinking how well we were getting on, and feeling aware that I shouldn't be too 'pally' as he was bringing his new girlfriend to meet the family for the first time and I didn't want to overstep the mark.

Ever since then I had seen him in quite a different way but obviously he was taken so I never did anything about it. A few months ago they split up and my friend made a joke about us getting together which I laughed off as I didn't want her to know how I felt!

We've just all spent the weekend together at a family wedding and it was fantastic! We got on amazingly, jokes and banter back and forth, sharing of interests and music tastes etc. talking about general stuff in our lives etc- it was like a totally amazing first date. I've been dating for about a year and have only been getting as far as the first date- this was the sort of thing I've been wanting to find on these dates, fun chat and just that feeling when you 'click' with someone.

However, there's just no hint that he's actually interested in me... He didn't really flirt with me, but I don't think he's that type of person, he can be quite straight laced in that way. He didn't massively go out of his way to help me out with anything, or anything like that. We hung out together quite a lot over the weekend- sometimes he'd come over to me and sometimes me to him and we danced together a lot too

I'm wondering if I'm in 'the friend zone' or maybe he sees me as a sister, he mentioned me being part of the family. We live in the same city but have never hung out separately from his sisters before. I mentioned something in a couple of months that I'll be going to, and I was trying to see if he fancied coming and doing it with me- his answer as I left today was that I need to 'persuade him' so I guess that's promising. I have a feeling he may be a bit into his housemate (she has a dp) but I don't know that for sure.

How do I play this?? I'm thinking I don't contact him at all now for at least a week or two before trying to sell him this thing, I don't want to seem too keen or needy. Tempting to hit him straight up with an 'in joke' from the weekend but maybe I need to be cooler than that. I'm so shit at playing it cool. Do I just ask him out and hope for the best? I need to get out of the friend zone if that's where I am!

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 16/08/2015 22:41

How old are you and the brother? where are you in life stages?

A good friend of mine had an older brother who periodically dated her friends. The woman he married was not one of them. The friends all faded from her life -even good friendships never survived the "dated my brother". Often because in a break up a woman will want to discuss it with her friend; the "my ex is was a total bastard" conversation is not going to fly with a sister.

So all I'd say is - if she's a good friend, don't go there unless firstly you think it could be serious with the brother (which includes your ages and whether you are at a point in life where you are looking to settle down) and secondly whether you are happy to lose your friend if it doesn't work out.

The family is a unit devoid of sexual overtones. For that reasons, siblings are very uncomfortable thinking about sexual relationships of their siblings. If the sibling starts sleeping with a friend, it all drops it rather horribly into your lap and into focus. It may not matter if you end up getting married but how likely is that really?

bideyinn · 16/08/2015 22:51

I'm sitting next to my best friends brother, we've been together for 20 years now. There was a spark when we first me but he was in a ltr and then I was etc. it took 7 years but we managed it in the end. Sadly my best friend didn't really like it, we're still friends it not so close,I guess that could have happened anyway?

I think it's a hard one to initiate as the stakes are so high? Maybe see if you can meet up away from everyone else?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/08/2015 22:51

My DS is 21 and my DD is 19. They both absolutely hate each other doing any kind of flirting with their mates. Unfortunately it happens quite a lot, DD's mates saying, "Ooh your brother is just a lovely boy version of you". And DS's mates saying, "Your sister is great mate, like you only better looking". They hate it. Tread carefully OP.

Original poster
CaptainSwan · 17/08/2015 09:41

I'm 29, he's 32. I rent a flat by myself and he shares with one other. He split up with his last girlfriend because she was out and partying too much and he just wanted to chill so in terms of 'stages of life' we're actually pretty similar.

I definitely think that meeting up away from others may be the way to go, I'll hold off from contacting him for a while now and then bring it up another time. It's very very weird, all my recent 'dating' has been from online- this set up just reminds me of being back at school!

Thanks for all your input, any more is gratefully received!

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 17/08/2015 09:57

So your are lying on your deathbed, looking back at your life. What advice would you give yourself???

Original poster
CaptainSwan · 17/08/2015 10:12

Wow! What a way to look at things, I like it!

I'd tell myself to go for it, take every opportunity that you can because you only get one shot. That if the friendship is real, it can take a hit and it shouldn't matter what does or doesn't happen with him because the friendship is strong enough to be able to survive. You never know what's going on down the track so to make the most of now.

Maybe he doesn't normally see me in 'that' way but that doesn't mean it wouldn't or couldn't change. My exdp was a very good friend of mine for 7 years before we were together, I took a look of time to be able to see him as anything other than my friend, he was my safe bet and I adored him. We were going to get married etc. He was the one to end it, I never really had a answer as to why but it threw everything I thought I knew about relationships out of the window. He worshipped the ground I walked on and I think put me on a pedestal to the point where when I was then less than perfect, I crashed right down off it. I don't want to be someone's perfect, I want to be someone's equal.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 17/08/2015 10:29

I'd tell myself to go for it, take every opportunity that you can because you only get one shot. That if the friendship is real, it can take a hit and it shouldn't matter what does or doesn't happen with him because the friendship is strong enough to be able to survive. You never know what's going on down the track so to make the most of now.
"Truer words were never spoken"

Good Luck

springydaffs · 17/08/2015 15:28

his answer as I left today was that I need to 'persuade him'

I don't think that's promising tbh op. If he was interested he'd be keen to go with you. Persuading? Nah. Sorry. Flowers

Katie2001 · 17/08/2015 15:32

It does depend with the 'persuading' thing whether he said 'ooh I could be persuaded' with a cheeky wink, or 'hmmm, you'll have to persuade me', looking doubtful. If that makes sense.

Original poster
CaptainSwan · 17/08/2015 19:57

It was definitly more on the cheeky side... He's reluctant as it's a something that I do every year with a big group of people that is great fun to do but he's got a bit of a fear of, hense why he (hopefully) appears not so keen. All points taken though- I'm normally pretty scathing of situations like this but I also think that sometimes you have to think outside the box a bit. Maybe naively.

OP posts:
Smilingforth · 18/08/2015 07:10

Be brave!

Original poster
CaptainSwan · 25/08/2015 17:35

I was brave! I sent him an email late last night and he replied first thing this morning!

Am very very surprised and very excited! I haven't replied yet- am trying to play it cool!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 25/08/2015 17:40

Well done! Good luck!

Wando · 25/08/2015 22:47

Brilliant news - fortune favours the brave. Don't wait too long to reply!

RoseandValerie · 25/08/2015 22:54

What did you say? What did he reply? What will you say back?
I need details!
(Rooting for you!!)

Lj8893 · 25/08/2015 22:56

Ooo well done! What did you say?

I think your right to just go for it, if anything happens or seems as if it's going to happen, speak to your friend and just be honest. Like you say, if it is a strong friendship then it will survive it!

Lj8893 · 25/08/2015 22:58

Or, depending on your friendship and their sibling relationship, could you confide in your friend now? If she is dead against it for whatever reason then you can make the decision if it's worth losing a friendship over. If she's cool with it, then you can go in guilt free and set some boundaries etc

LoveAGoodRummage · 25/08/2015 23:15

This is insufficient information!! Well done you Star

LoveAGoodRummage · 25/08/2015 23:18

I should probably add that my bro married a very good friend of mine. I was initially unhappy when they got together (felt I was losing a friend) however I somehow knew they were very well matched. DSIL is still one of my closest friends over ten years later.

Original poster
CaptainSwan · 25/08/2015 23:55

Argh! Thanks- sorry for lack of info, I wasn't sure how interesting it would be!

I said hi, and asked if he got back ok (from the wedding). I then said:

'feel free to tease me about this forever, but... Would you like to go for a drink sometime?'

I kept it as cool as possible, but wanted to make sure it was clear it was a date, hopefully I managed it! Sent it late last night and I got a reply first thing this morning saying a bit about his journey home and then he said 'I'm on holiday this week but would be keen to go for a drink when I get back'

KEEN! HE SAID KEEN!

I waited until this evening to reply, and I kept it short and casual, just said 'great! My number is xxxxxx, let me know when you're back from your holiday (jealous) and we'll sort something out'

I was surprised to say the least... Am still a bit in shock tbh. I've decided to wait until after we meet up to speak to my friend about it, it may not go anywhere so there's no point until I know if there's anything in it

Smile
OP posts:
RoseandValerie · 26/08/2015 00:34

Brilliant!

M00nUnit · 26/08/2015 01:20

Have just read this thread - please keep us updated OP! Smile

Lj8893 · 26/08/2015 05:33

Ooo sounds promising!

imip · 26/08/2015 06:37

Just place marking Smile good luck op!

MairzyDoats · 26/08/2015 08:03

Ooh, nice email, just the right side of 'interested but cool'. Well done! Are you going to tell your friend before you go out?