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Original poster

Do I move out of marital home or is that a bad idea?

33 replies

Beaverfeaver2 · 16/08/2015 18:15

Husband has told me a few times over the past week that he thinks washouts break up.

Long story short, he is saying I need to leave and move in with parents (I'm just recently unemployed) and he should stay in the house because he can afford it

Should I move out?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 16/08/2015 19:04

Do you have children? If so, don't leave. If you don't, it's probably far less hassle for you to move back to parents if that's an option.

See a solicitor asap. Ring round your area, you should find several who offer free half hour consultations.

TeamBacon · 16/08/2015 19:08

Wow, he sounds like a right catch.

Of course you don't have to move out

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2015 19:13

He doesn't seem to realise you both share the marital assets, does he?

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 16/08/2015 19:55

He knows that the house will end up being sold and me get half the proceeds which will enable me to then buy or rent somewhere for a long enough while with no problem.

Just a in the interim its not a nice step to have to move back in with parents at nearly 30 years old.

No kids, just a big lively dog.

So scared and feeling so alone.

I'm turning 30 in a few weeks, unemployed and divorcing and without a home of my own.

I feel like such a failure.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2015 19:59

You need to look at it in a positive light. I don't know what the problem was in the marriage but it seems you're at a point where you can either wallow in despair (I know how tempting that is) or you can make a huge change.

Could you use some of the money to go off travelling for a year? Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live? A job you'd like to train for? What are your qualifications like? It's not too late to sign up for something in September.

Tell us what you'd always hoped you'd do with your life and let us give you some encouragement to make it happen.

lalalonglegs · 16/08/2015 20:02

I wouldn't move anywhere unless I had cast-iron, written guarantees that he was going to start marketing the house straightaway and would be taking the first sensible offer. He could be living there for years with a ridiculous asking price or refusing to let buyers through the door.

You don't say whether you want to stay with him, just that you feel depressed that you are moving back to your parents' house which says a lot about the state of your relationship. Be thankful that, apart from the dog and the house, you have very few things to tie you to him and this break can be relatively clean.

NicoleWatterson · 16/08/2015 20:06

I moved back at 30 it was shit, but I was grateful to them. It was hard on all sides, but not as bad as I envisaged.

When I spoke to my solicitor I was advised the person staying in the property should pay all the interest element of the mortgage as well as half the capital. As they are preventing you from living there, assuming he's changing the locks.

Talk to a solicitor before you do anything. There's a lot to consider, will he make it difficult to sell? Will he keep it clean and tidy? Can he buy you out?

sanityforlunch · 16/08/2015 20:10

Get legal advice before you do anything. When you say, the house will end up being sold - when? You need a formal agreement on that. It sounds like you will need the money sooner rather than later too as you're unemployed.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 16/08/2015 20:15

I won't be able to contribute to the mortgage at all until I get another job.

He can't buy me out.

I haut always pictured us growing old and having a few kids.
As boring as it was that was the plan.
He earned a good salary and wanted to support us.

However fertility problems have turned us hugly against each other and I don't feel the same about him and don't want to be near him anymore.

I wanted to think we were still friends at least (have been together 15 years) but a night out on Friday and a day out on Saturday and I don't think we want to be friends really

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2015 20:17

I think you need to be there to make sure the house gets sold asap.

As pps have said don't do anything without seeing a solicitor.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2015 20:18

You're plenty young enough to start again and find someone who's not an arse.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 16/08/2015 20:37

I hadn't thought of retraining or doing a course

Travelling sounds ideal too, just don't want to lose the dog too

Thinking of starting my own business but not really in the right frame of mind

OP posts:
BecksTroll · 16/08/2015 20:42

Sorry. Personally would not be moving out until house sold. Tough tits DH.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/08/2015 20:44

I second all those saying to see a solicitor before you move or agree to anything he says. Once you are out of the house it will be very difficult to make him do anything without occurring legal costs.

It may be more to your advantage to stay put and force the sale of the house. Is it registered in both your names?

TopOfTheCliff · 16/08/2015 20:56

When I moved out of the family home I rented somewhere for four years. Until the house was sold XH paid me notional rent for my half of our house so I could afford the rent. Could you propose that? He might need to get a lodger in but he gets to enjoy your home.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 16/08/2015 21:00

I've told him in one of the many 'divsussions' today that I won't be moving out.
Although I know I would be better off at my parents in the mean time.

OP posts:
Morganly · 16/08/2015 21:39

Another vote for not moving out before you've taken legal advice. He thinks you should break up, he says you need to move out, he can afford it. Well, tough titties mate, it doesn't work like that.

amarmai · 16/08/2015 22:21

you can take the initiative and put the house up for sale. Looks like a chance for a new life for you. Grab it.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 16/08/2015 22:55

I'm feeling a little bit like that. I'd love a new chance now.

But we were planning on going through treatment for a family.

Am I going to regret doing this ?
Should I be trying harder?
So scared of ending up alone

OP posts:
amarmai · 17/08/2015 01:07

Treatment for infertility is gruelling and expensive. Why put yourself thru that for a man who is telling you to move out of the house just after you became unemployed. If he does not stand by you now , he wont later. There is no worse aloneness than being in the same house with a partner who does not care about you. Be brave and get advice and support. You have 1 life -do you want to spend it with a man who siad what he siad to you? You will find someone much better who respects, loves and values you.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2015 15:17

You will NOT regret splitting up. Because you will then be free to meet someone who will love and appreciate you. Someone who will treat you with respect.

As far as 'trying harder'. You need try no 'harder' than he is trying. Which is not at all.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2015 15:22

You cant try harder when the other person isnt trying.

It takes 2 to save a marriage and if he has no interest in doing that then anything you do now to try and force that to happen would simply be a lesson in futility.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on. Be kind to yourself, you did your best, dont blame yourself.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver2 · 17/08/2015 21:02

How to I know I'm not giving up on something that will get better? Mad have had a lot of major upsets this year which have caused us to numb and just get through each day.

I feel like I am giving up on my lovely house.

I'm scared of starting again.

After him telling me to leave if I'm not happy with him and me saying ok, it obviously shocked him and maybe he didn't realise I wasn't going to fight for him as he started saying he was sorry and that things will get better.

I told him I don't find him attractive anymore and that although I still love him as. Friend I don't want to have sex with him and he thinks that's ok and it will pass.

I feel it's been min 3 years of struggles and I'm tired but he thinks that it won't be long before things get better again and we will be happy.

I worry for him as he doesn't have a group of friends he can rely on or talk to or go to in times of need where I'm lucky I have a good support network.
As scary as it is going to live with my parents again, especially when I will be unemployed, I feel that the proceeds from the sale of the house will get me through to where I need to be.
That's a scary thought in itself though as I don't know how long that might take.

I don't want to be at home anymore and spend as long as I can out of the house and when I'm home I take long baths and avoid being in the same room unless I want to watch something on the TV.

I realise though that I choose to come home to this than go to my parents right now.
Does that mean I'm not ready to leave yet?

My worry is that if I don't go this time, that we middle through and it might be a year or it might be another 3 or 5 down the line but these same demons will probably be lurking and ready to pounce at any moment.

We have had good times but we have been together since we were teenagers and are both the only relationships we've really known.

Is that something to hold onto or something to realise that this can't be it?

My confidence has been knocked for six and I'm no angel in all of this either. I know I have been hard to live with and I guess that's why he's giving me the ultimatum now.

He has sat me down again tonight and asked if I have any more things to say or thoughts on us. And I said I don't feel any different right now but I need time.
I'm going on holiday for a week with my mum and sister and was hoping to use that as time to mull things over.

I'm worried I will come home having missed him, but I am not too sure

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2015 22:48

You need to set him aside for a moment and think of what YOU want. He can take care of himself, he's a big boy. And what good is a 'lovely home' if you are so unhappy in it that you do whatever you can to be out of it for long periods?

If you feel counseling would help, by all means, try it. But you need to be up front and say that you aren't at all sure that you even want to work things out. And if he isn't willing to work, then there's no point to counseling at all.

Lightbulbon · 17/08/2015 23:00

Sounds like a divorce is just the 30th birthday present you need.