Desperately need advice - depressed boyfriend

[100thattemptatausername]

This is going to be a long one so I apologise in advance.
I don't know if I'm in the right place for this, I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. When we met, he was attentive, caring, affectionate both physically and emotionally. He left me in no doubt that he wanted to be with me, when I spoke he listened, when I didn't he'd ask me questions to learn more about me. This continued for about 6 months, we had such a good honeymoon period, then, he began to change.
It went from him texting or calling me (evenly balanced) to me always texting or calling, often he won't reply or answer the phone. I'm always the one arranging things and mostly we just stay in, he doesn't want to go out, a few months ago he told me he's sinking back into a depressive state (he's been depressed twice previously) I asked him what I could do and he told me nothing, he asked me not to try and help him or it could cause problems.
I'm sure it's his depression that's changed him, he hardly speaks to me anymore, when I do speak I'm told what I'm saying isn't interesting, his favourite question is "is what you're about to say going to interest me" and then I'll be told a more interesting story from his life. If I try to start a conversation I'm told he doesn't want deep conversations, I've seen him texting another woman we both know, she keeps asking how he is etc but he keeps saying she's asking him for favours. He says this a lot, and I know he's lying to me, he says there's another girl who texts him bothering him but, again I know it's a lie (when he's been drinking he's honest and tells me the truth) We aren't having sex anymore, which I understand is a side effect of depression, he's not on any medication, nor is he seeing a counsellor or equivalent. He's told me he's busy most days this week so I've had to leave relatively early each morning, yesterday I left then about an hour later had to drive past his house (it's on a main road) and his car was still outside, he told me he was leaving straight after me.
I love this man, and I know he loves me. He will do anything for anyone usually. I know this is the depression but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel like a burden in his life and by wanting to see him I'm adding to the pressures in his life. He keeps telling me I seem to have a lot of drama in my life recently (I don't) and that he used to like I had no drama, I talk to him about a situation that upsets me and I'm told I'm making him feel pretty shit.
Can anyone offer any advice how to support him and give him his space without losing him? He's begun to make me feel so crap when I'm with him and I don't want this to cause a rift between us. The fact he has depression doesn't scare me off, they fact he's building this wall and blocking me out but not others makes me think we could be close to the end.
I've tried not texting or calling, he then doesn't text or call, I've tried calling him out on it and I got told his life was shit and that I shouldn't give him an ultimatum.
This is overflowing into my other relationships in life, I'm constantly thinking of him wondering how to make this better and what form of him I'll be seeing later that evening.
I don't know how to fix this, I know I can't fix him and depression takes time, but how do I make sure our relationship becomes stronger for this?

Send big bro round (I'm assuming he's bigger, if not actually older). Over-protective male relatives are generally a PITA but on this occasion will be useful. And on this one, trust your brother's instincts. They seem to be better than yours where this man is concerned.

Cozie - his shifts vary, I really wish I could send my brother in, but he is unlikely to keep his temper. Even if I was completely in the wrong, if I had been hitting him and cheating on him (for example) my brother would still blame him. He only gets on with one of my exes and that's because he knew him previously. I really am close with his sister and sister in law, I could have potentially asked them but I don't feel like I can for obvious reasons.
Pocket - I've always had to be the strong one in my family, not because anyone specifically made me but because my mother takes every thing very personally and seems almost wounded each time, my father has issues with his family (we're no contact) and my brother has always chosen to just stay out of the situation moving out as soon as he could. If that helps?

I'm a little bit scared to send my brother around Galiban, I could do without the hassle to be truthful, I think if I can't talk to him tomorrow then I'll send my brother round with a letter or something

And what do you think will happen if you speak to him tomorrow and he bursts into tears and says he's so, so depressed that he doesn't know what to do ?

(I don't think you'll manage to speak to hm by the way but that's just me. I suspect he'll reckon either that you don't mean it all or that you are so weak that he can cozen you round easily when the time is right. It's happened before after all. Many times from what you've said.)

That's a very good point Cozie, I hope I'll remain strong and tell him if he means that then he needs to get help, and, until he does I'm not going to be in his life. Or maybe I can go round and take my brother with me? I can talk to him, exchange property and my brother will keep me grounded.

Is that the brother that doesn't like him?

He's my only brother, he went alpha male when they first met so it took a while for them to get on. They seem to be friendly now, my boyfriend doesn't seem threatened by him anymore and my brother hasnt said anything against him to me for a long time.

Then the odds are that he still doesn't like him - people rarely change initial reactions in my experience - but is 'making nice' to him for your sake. I suspect that if you indicate that you're thinking of splitting up with this man, your brother will be mightily pleased and in those circumstances, I'm not at all sure about the 'grounding' that you mentioned.

I think you have to spell it out to your STBX and in the circumstances, I'd do it by a short and courteous email with, perhaps, a quick text to him indicating only that an email has been sent. (Since he seems to read his texts.) If you attempt to speak to him, I think that in real life, you'll fold and get nowhere. Just my own opinion from your posts.

I would coolly set out the conditions under which you would remain in/come back into his life and ask him in the interim to collect your things and leave them in a bag at the reception at his work - from where your brother will pick them up.

I doubt he'll reply but there's a fighting chance that he'll take your things into his work for pickup. (Notionally, it could give him a future rod to chastise you with - 'how publicly reasonable he was' - so he just might not be able to resist it.)

I'm sorry to express myself so prescriptively at this point. I suspect that you need a long time on your own to think things through for yourself.

Truthfully, if I do something like that (expect him to bring things into work and collect from there) he will go ballistic, his privacy means so much to him, we've had, I'll call it "words" before where he has persuaded himself I'm talking about him to other people.
I'm very nervous about getting my brother involved as well, I haven't told anyone in real life what is happening here. I think I need to call my brother and discuss with him if he thinks he could keep his cool to collect things or maybe if he could drive and wait outside, so I have no choice but to leave. In retrospect taking my brother in with me is not going to go well, either he goes in or I do.
He has just text me, my STBX (I think that's what you called him) saying he's sorry he's been so distant and that he would like to talk this through. He's admitted the fault so easily but given me an opening to discuss this. I haven't replied yet, I need to think of my next steps and what I'll say. His apology has just reminded me that he is a good guy, but again, I need to stay strong, unless he gets help its over.

Truthfully, if I do something like that (expect him to bring things into work and collect from there) he will go ballistic, his privacy means so much to him, we've had, I'll call it "words" before where he has persuaded himself I'm talking about him to other people.

His apology has just reminded me that he is a good guy

No he's not. He's someone who makes you worried that he'll go ballistic if you try and talk reasonably to him.

Yes his behaviour is unacceptable but one of his saving graces is his ability to accept when he's in the wrong. It's something I've always admired about him.

Of course he does - like getting you to actually talk to him, it's a pattern of him being mean to you, you attempting to withdraw and then his reeling you back in by playing 'the little boy who's trying so hard to improve'. And then repeat and repeat until he has you so well-controlled that you're in a complete state about the notion of daring to upset him. You clearly are in a state right now.

I think you need to look at yourself very hard as well. There's a thread on this board, started today, where a poster called AttilaTheMeerkat has posted extensively on the subject of Co-Dependency. You might do very well indeed to read those posts.

I don't know whether I'm in a state, I'm confused and numb. I'm so scared of losing him but I know he has to change. I do see his apology as a good thing, it is him accepting his wrong and hopefully when I speak to him he will listen. I've spoken with my brother who has said he will drive me but agrees it's better I speak with him, this way I know I have to leave, I have text my boyfriend to tell him we'll have to talk tomorrow. I don't expect a reply tonight.
I've found that thread, I understand why you would see similarities in this circumstance but I am not co dependant, I can't fix him, he needs to get help, likewise I can't make him change. This is why I'm scared, because if he refuses, I will lose him forever and I don't want that to happen, but, I'm worth more than this.

Cozie: could you give us the thread title / link please? Id like to read Attillas posts on co-dependency myself! Been through a few threads from today but couldn't see it. Thanks!

Has he listened to you before? (At least in the sense that he's gone on to do anything about it such as seek and accept diagnosis and treatment.)

We can nearly all say the necessary honeyed words if we want to but you have to take action for them to mean anything I think.

It's this one Ohla.

He's certainly listened and he's certainly changed. Previously though, it's been based on him making me feel unwanted and the change hasn't lasted that long at all, this time however it will be based on his depression and, on him getting help if he wants to keep me. God I hope he wants to keep me. If he doesn't get help and he doesn't change his attitude, I'm going to have to be strong enough to leave forever.
It won't be an easy talk tomorrow that's for sure.

...and the change hasn't lasted that long at all...

Just long enough - in the past- to give you enough hope to enable you to carry on?

PS - and he hasn't taken any action in the sense of seeking and accepting diagnosis and treatment has he?

Yes, it gave me the hope and determination because in those times I see who he really is.

I hear myself saying this and realise I was so much stronger this morning, I really am pathetic.
I don't quit, I'm not a quitter and I don't want to quit on him.

No, no action yet, but tomorrow I will talk to him and tell him either he seeks help, counselling if he wont take medication, or I will be out of his life forever.

You're not pathetic - don't ever think that. You're just faced with - well - it's like being faced with a big-eyed puppy-dog and people don't kick puppy-dogs, do they?

You need to leave, whatever happens tomorrow. If he's ill, you're not helping him and he's certainly not helping you. I would be tempted to wave goodbye to everything in his house - ipod included - and just tell him you're over.

I need to talk to him, I cannot leave and not talk to him. I know that will result in me returning however many days or through some miracle weeks down the line. I can't have unfinished business in my life, it torments me.
I will tell him to get help, I will collect my things and I will leave, then when or if he's ready he can contact me to tell me what steps he's taken. No steps, mean no me.

Good luck then. There are usually people here to talk to.

I think the family dynamic when you were growing up played a big part in this, OP. Your low self esteem and fear of abandonment didn't come out of nowhere, and they're not your fault, not failings in you. They're a result of not being properly parented.

The little you've said about your family sounds pretty unhealthy, and it sounds as if you're very enmeshed in it, emotionally, still. Whereas your brother escaped, asap. (He sounds a bit scary too - would you say he has bullying tendencies?)

I'm focusing on this because I think this is probably at the root of your issues with the "bf". I know you say you're not codependent, but you really sound as if you are! And nearly everything you say has his needs and feelings at the heart of it, rather than your own. Which is pretty codependent in my book.

Once again, this is not a failing in you. It's a result of some lack in your childhood, it's cause and effect. You're doing a brilliant job reaching out for support on here, that in itself takes courage. I suspect you are much, much stronger than you realise. And I hope you will find that out yourself.