Please help me!

[Confused1282]

This morning I found my H has been looking for prostitutes in our area..... I have sat crying all day.

I would say his saying to you that he looks frequently (or whatever it was) was a slight effort on his part of a smokescreen. He is trying to tell you looking is all he has done. There is a fair to middling chance this is not true though OP and it may be wise to get yourself checked out for STIs etc. His search located to your area is the tell here obviously. If he wanted to look at working girls generally not so much but local ones? No way is this innocent and he would be out so fast you would not see his arse for dust if he were mine. Sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.

I'm not doing so well today I left for work he's off I can't imagine what he's looking at. I feel very very jealous/insecure? Unsure? Lost all of my confidence im struggling at work I feel very anxious. We are moving house tomorrow. I'm so upset I can't even look at him he's just acting normal....

Even if he was just looking and genuinely won't ever look again (which is doubtful in itself), he doesn't seem to be respecting your feelings on the matter if he's just acting fine and like nothing has happened

If you are feeling insecure then that is to be understood.

You are trying to keep up the necessary and essential commitments of your married life (working) whilst you are not able to trust your DH to keep his side of the 'bargain'.

Think about what would be a 'deal breaker' for you. For example, for me, looking at pornography would have been a deal-breaker (in the days before the internet) so if I had ever found a magazine, I would have packed a bag and left.

I was always comfortable with DH's friendships with females. We both knew and understood boundaries and would have nipped anything inappropriate in the bud because we didn't want to lose each other.

Keep posting here - or find a RL friend to talk to you if that is better.

Take care

Thank you for the replies, I looked at his phone history and I found he's also been looking at transgender and female? Been a bit taken back by that but it makes no difference! I'm not sure whether I can trust again. I found a load of porn which I've never cared about but again alor of transgender and female shit? I feel my love may have gone for me if I'm honest, porn is nothing to me but this looking for sex? Not impressed.... Feel very very low!

Very hard. If it was me I couldn't live with this.!

"He looks often"

I would be furious too! The one time I did look (having read the article) a lot of it was only previews, you had to sign up, but a lot of free review pages (going by search results for "escorts in x"). If he has clicked around these sites and looked at woman several times, he's certainly "interested". To lie about looking once is bad enough, but several times? I'm sure you have all sorts going through your head right now. Agree it sounds like he's testing your tolerance by drip feeding his involvement like you wouldn't notice he's changed his story ffs. You can either blow up at him now or act very tolerant, and see what else he admits too. Either way, it doesn't look good. Does he ever hide bank statements or act funny about you accessing his debit cards? "Lost" email account could be a red flag too. If you try to log on to hotmail on his phone, does it offer alternative suggestions to his usual one?

He will not speak about it today, he said 'you can leave anytime' when I mentioned about not being happy. I once saw on his email when he logged in it said update your personal details and his second email was that old one he lost the password for? But I thought nothing about it because I used to have mine as an old email address I never had anymore? He never opens his bank statements but I've seen his app nothing looks suspicious? He has something called subscription but he says that's his phone and electrics insurance... I don't know what to think, I've got no where to go? How can someone look at this sort of stuff then look their wife in the eyes and say they love them as if nothing is wrong? I also asked him about a couple of dodgy sites on Twitter that have started following him, complete sexual stuff I clicked on them they were both for sex sites and he hasn't even deleted them! Feel a bit pissed off. I also said to him I didn't think he found me attractive anymore yesterday and he said I was very disrespectful?!

I've had to come home from work today after a massive panic attack, I cannot look at other people in the eyes. I feel like I'm having panic attacks every couple of minutes. I've even had to go get a sick note to try and calm myself down for a few weeks. I don't know what is wrong with me? Why is this happening? Sorry for the low post, I feel so angry, upset, scared, annoyed....

I am glad that you are looking after yourself and got some head-space whilst you process what is happening in your life.

Now try to use your sick leave to make your life better. (You may have to sleep for a few extra hours in an afternoon because you will have exhausted yourself with an over-active mind and all the worrying during your usual night-time sleep.)

You have just had another disrespectful red flag: you can leave any time you want Your DH is a right charmer isn't he?

Do you have access to any money? Would your wage/salary cover rental accommodation if you choose to move out?

Do you have any RL friends who could help you?

Don't let him twist this around, if anyone has been very disrespectful it's him!

I literally only work part time, I wouldnt be to pay for anything alone? I have friends and family around but no where to stay with my kids. I only have a couple of hundred saved up. A friend told me I could speak to the council and claim some benefits to live though? Not sure never really done this before? I don't understand where I am or how I got here, we were so happy last week we always have been now I just stare at him thinking are you taking the piss out of me? He was even talking about this Ashley Maddison scandal saying how disgusting people are cheating on their wives! Am I in a fucking dream here????????

Only you can decide if you are in a dream and whether you want to work through this situation. I have always said that only YOU can determine your deal-breaker.

Is there anywhere you can go with the DCs for a few days whilst you think it through? Even if they don't each get their own beds, it might be fun for them to have an Adventure Break with a family member or friend.

IF you decide to leave, there are some great MNetters who have been through the claiming system who would be able to give you advice. (It's not an area I have any knowledge about so I can't help.)

I've moved into the other room for now with one of my DCs. He's always at work tbf so I hardly see him. I don't know if I can trust again, I fear going out I case he's looking at something or doing something when he's here. My mum said men are all the same they all look at disgusting stuff? I'm not really sure what to make of that...

Your Mum is wrong!

Men (in general) don't look at disgusting stuff. Some men do. I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who looked for sexual opportunities elsewhere - whether that is porn, sexting, video meet-ups or whatever else some men get up to these days.

For some women, looking at porn is not a deal-breaker and they indulged in the voyeuristic activity with their partner. That is also okay - for them.

Have you thought about putting Parental Settings onto your wifi? I did that when I was looking after my DN every weekend and I didn't want an open-access account. I don't have children of my own (and I don't think the dog accesses t'internet to look at porn) but I locked down my wifi connection when DN started to stay with me. It didn't hurt me to do that as I don't search for disreputable sites. It meant that if a friend of DN ever sent a link saying 'look at this', DN wasn't allowed to 'look at this' as the wifi had it on the blocked parental control.

I know you shouldn't have to treat your DH as a DC, but something has got to change to give you some peace of mind.

I understand what you're saying but surely I should trust my H not to look at the wrong thing. I cannot understand in my head why he would type that into a search engine. I've exhausted every single thought.... I'm sick and fed up.

Just checking that you are okay confused

Can we help any further?