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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me!

68 replies

Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 13:58

This morning I found my H has been looking for prostitutes in our area..... I have sat crying all day.

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Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 20:40

But he's got a tiny cock they would probably laugh!!

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Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 20:46

I'm not a 'fake tan, fake tits' girl but I've worked very hard to get my figure back I'm a size 10 and I'm not ugly (I hope I don't sound up myself because I'm really not) I get a lot of attention at work I work in retail and I get a few numbers here and there I just chuck them in the bin i would never tell H this but I don't understand why he doesn't want me? He used to say his lucky he was he never says it now.....

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sadwidow28 · 15/08/2015 20:47

Now, now! That was harsh. Grin

Do you feel that you can sit down and have a face-to-face discussion with him? Only you can decide where the line is drawn regarding deal-breaker.

Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 20:48

Lol sorry but I'm just furious Grin yeah I'll speak to him in the morning I just don't understand what I don't give him I try so hard !!!

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Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 20:49

I just feel like shit I don't need this, I cannot understand how I didn't see he was like this? 'I often look at prostitutes?!?' What does that even mean?!

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goddessofsmallthings · 15/08/2015 21:16

It means what he's said. He looks at sites where prostitutes advertise their services and display their wares, but unlike shopping for cars, punters don't get to try before they buy.

Fwiw, regardless of individual size, punters get called 'big boy' to foster their delusions the illusion that the women whose time they've bought are sufficiently impressed by the sight of what's under their boxers to be gagging for it.

sadwidow28 · 15/08/2015 21:22

Can you tell us something more about your relationship? (Don't do it if you are not comfortable).

I am just picking up on "I try so hard".

I cannot even attempt to explain what 'I often look at prostitutes' means because I was never disrespected during my 25 years with my late-DH. That isn't a stealth boast - we just had the same values and expectations of our behaviour within our monogamous marriage. At various points throughout our marriage, both DH and I worked away from home - but neither of us would have even thought to spend a lonely night searching for other options.

Our marriage pre-dates mobile phones and I would run to the phone box at the corner at a pre-agreed time to make contact. (We had to save coins for telephone money in those days Grin )

sadwidow28 · 15/08/2015 21:23

waves at goddess

I always love reading your advice!

Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 21:41

He works a lot, I work but not as much we have a DC and I have another DC who he is great with but hardly sees due to work. I do a lot, sort out washing, ironing, the kids, my DC has minor medical problems which results in me changing my shifts at work to take her to hospital appointments and looking after her needs due to the problems. I give him everything, he wants sex he gets it I try everything buy nice underwear etc but he is a bit boring (not being nasty) just likes the same thing I do try though. I run around after everyone in the house which I really don't mind I love being a mum! I feel a bit undervalued as H has never had anyone who does everything for him and I fear he is used to it now. I try to keep him happy, but he's obviously not happy. I give literally everything

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Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 21:42

Lol thank you goddess, hope you don't think I'm ignoring you. I feel sick to the stomach thinking he would show it to anyone else Sad why me?....

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Cabrinha · 15/08/2015 21:56

My XH was "just looking".
Actually, "just looking" came after the "a mate did it on my laptop for a laugh", I think Hmm

He also was quite rubbish at sex, and had (I thought) a low sex drive. Turns out is was low because he was getting it elsewhere.

Him being "interested" is enough to end your relationship, and (except no regrets for my child conceived later) I should have done.

It is perfectly likely he has already done it. Even if you don't find evidence online, it wouldn't show if he went to a mass parlour. (Tip: check his sat nav postcodes Hmm)

I know that feeling of "maybe it's me". It's not love, it really isn't. I'm sexy. Sexually confident. Wore great underwear etc. Men who sleep with prostitutes do so because of who they are, not who you are.

I have evidence my XH booked a prostitute 6 weeks into his current relationship. I really don't think his new gf had time to go off the boil by then, do you? Sad

  1. It is absolutely not your fault.
  2. Him being "interested" will get minimised but it really is enough for you to end things if you want
Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 22:01

I just think what if he was actually thinking about it. Then he WILL do it I the future? Am I right? I feel like a right twat. I don't deal well when people take the piss like ???? I just do not understand and I can't see me ever ever understanding 'oh yeah just having a look that's fantastic ' no no that's not me....

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Cabrinha · 15/08/2015 22:07

Well, he might have already done it - sorry to be so blunt.
I spent YEARS thinking "what if he just looked, was curious".

When I finally dumped him with newfound evidence he said he was "just looking".

I said (I remember this so clearly, because it was so calm, and I felt so much relief, it set me free):
"You are lying. But even if you were "just looking", you know that is enough for me to end this, yes?"

You are already upset and losing confidence in your body because of him. Believe me, it will get worse.

First time I had sex after our separation, my partner pulled right back mid way through. I felt awful, I wasn't doing it for him. I wasn't attractive, I didn't turn him on. I said "are you OK?", nearly in tears. He said, "fuck yes, too OK, I had to pull back I was about to come too quickly!"

That is what years of a husband being "interested" in prostitutes and not in you, can do to you Sad

Don't put yourself through it love. x

Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 22:11

That's awful, I hope you're ok now? I feel very very self concious already since having DC as my body has changed my hips are wider stretch marks etc but I feel so dis respected and awful. I'm terrified about going to work as I wonder what he will be up to at home ah man! I feel like IVE done something wrong!!!!

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Cabrinha · 15/08/2015 22:17

I'm fan-bloody-tastic now without that in my life! (thank you for asking!)
It was both horrible and healing to find him still booking prostitutes behind his new gf's back. Confirmation that it really wasn't about me.

Sounds like there is plenty wrong, not just this incident (bad as it is) of him looking at prostitutes SadFlowers

Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 22:20

I guess I've took the 'housewife' role I wonder if he just sees me as his carer? Slowly throughout the day I'm realising that I will never ever get over this? Or trust him again? Surely if he was just looking he fucking shouldn't of been? Even in the most innocent case? You don't type that sort of stuff into google do you????

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Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 23:20

I can't imagine it myself. It seems so alien to type that

Original poster
Confused1282 · 15/08/2015 23:26

It makes no sense, you don't just type that into a search engine for no reason??

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Cabrinha · 15/08/2015 23:28

No, you don't type it in for no reason.
You type it in because you are, at the very least, interested in finding out about prostitutes in your area.
Which he has admitted.

Original poster
Confused1282 · 16/08/2015 17:47

Still no real reason, he's sorry it won't happen again he says. I don't know what to think?

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Cabrinha · 16/08/2015 19:59

I know what I would think - that no real reason is not a good enough reason.

Original poster
Confused1282 · 16/08/2015 20:37

I don't see how it can be innocent when he said it's just something he wanted to look at no reason. I cannot get my head around it there's no other explanation!!!!! How do I walk out though? I have a baby to him!!!

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Cabrinha · 16/08/2015 20:49

Having a child together doesn't make you obliged to put up with his shit!

Original poster
Confused1282 · 16/08/2015 21:14

This will happen again won't it?

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ShizeItsWeegie · 16/08/2015 21:27

YuP!