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Original poster

Is this my problem

32 replies

mrsmalfoy · 14/08/2015 19:40

My oh is friends with a woman who had an affair with our married friend. Oh never knew this woman before but now every time he has a problem he goes to her. I found out about six months ago that he was in contact and meeting her for a drink or two. They both said they're just friends but I played holy hell when I found out. He changed his phone number and told me he wouldn't speak to her any more. Found out Sunday he's been talking to her again again behind my back.. I'm stuck because I love him to death but he doesn't seem to think it's wrong of him to go behind my back...wwyd???'

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 14/08/2015 19:46

Seriously pack his bags, if your serious about him lieing and letting you down, then it's a major wake up call.

Your love for him does not entitle him to be a liar and potential cheat, she has form he knows it and doesn't care .

startagainonmonday · 14/08/2015 19:51

Every tie he had a problem to should be going to you. Sorry but I would hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Original poster
mrsmalfoy · 14/08/2015 20:11

I'm prepared for the worst starting they're both adamant nothing has happened. Sorry for the slight dripfeed, I've suffered with depression since I was 14, now 25 with two dc. He just thinks I'm making an issue out of nothing. He also has form for cheating. I thought we'd moved past all this but he can't see why he's in the wrong for keeping secrets from me Sad

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 14/08/2015 20:20

Well from your last post I'd definitely fuck him off, 2 people with form for cheating meeting up is never going to end well as clearly neither of them has morals of any description Hmm
Why is he running to her every time he has a problem?

goddessofsmallthings · 14/08/2015 20:21

Get yourself tarted up, if you have dc tell him it's his turn to look after them, and tell him that you're off to look for a confidante of your own.

Take yourself down to your local and don't go home until after midnight. Repeat regularly after letting him know that you've found a number of candidates and will be embarking on the process of elimination until you've found 'the one' you can tell your problems to over a drink or 10.

In the meantime, adopt an unnaturally cheerful air when he's around and let him catch you looking like the cat that's got the cream tres pleased with yourself occasionally.

Garlick · 14/08/2015 20:24

He has form for cheating. Oh, dear.

He doesn't think you're making an issue out of nothing. He wants you to think it's nothing when he lies to you and meets a fellow cheat in secret! Of course he wants you to dismiss it, that would be super convenient for him.

It's very inconvenient for you, though. In order to please him, you're trying not to feel what you do feel. Nobody can carry on like this, at least not without suffering some serious health effects. Your feelings of betrayal, fear, mistrust, anger, resentment and disappointment (delete as appropriate) are wholly reasonable. Your partner's sidelining you for another woman.

What do you feel you should do about it?

Original poster
mrsmalfoy · 15/08/2015 11:03

Sorry to post and run! We had an argument about it again, feels like I'm going around in circles tbh.
I go out occasionally goddess but usually only because my mum drags me out for a drink or three. I'd rather just stay at home because I find social situations difficult and stressful.
garlick I really don't know what to do, I do love him and I don't want to throw ten years away but I'm absolutely worn out with the fighting and arguing

OP posts:
category1 · 15/08/2015 11:12

Think about whether you might be falling into the 'sunk costs' trap. It's not throwing away 10 years of the past to break off a bad relationship, it's saving 10 years from your future.

I'm not saying definitely break up, but do think about the future, not what energy you've already used. Do you still want to be doing this years down the line?

Joysmum · 15/08/2015 11:17

My answer to all these type of scenarios is that I would NEVERTHELESS repeatedly behave in a way I knew hurt/upset/unsettled my DH.

I can't understand how anyone would consider their behaviour more important than their partners feelings. Confused

Garlick · 15/08/2015 18:56

Well, as Joy said - or didn't, but I assume she meant - a decent person never carries on doing something they know distresses their partner.

He's doing it to you. He isn't, therefore, a decent person by normal standards.

Be that how it may, you can't make another person change. Currently, you're each trying to change the other.

So - do you want to carry on being married to a partner who lies, cheats and tells you not to care?

I'm not saying there's only one answer to this question; there are several. But you are married to a lying cheat who wants a private life away from you. So it's a good start to figure out whether this is what you want.

magoria · 15/08/2015 19:10

Unfortunately it is your problem.

Your problem is you have a partner who has form for cheating and is now lying to you and meeting up with another woman.

Another known cheat he goes to when he has problems. This means he is on some level bonding with her over his problems rather than you.

He clearly doesn't think his cheating was a problem as he is happy to lie to you and cause you upset. Not the actions of a loving caring partner.

I wonder if you split with him how long it would be before they slept together. If they haven't already.

Original poster
mrsmalfoy · 15/08/2015 22:37

Its crossed my mind magoria.
As I said before I'd like to try and get through this with my relationship still intact.
Obviously I have trust issues that need to be worked on but I know it needs to be both of us trying to sort things, not just me.
Back to see the doctor next week as my ad's don't seem to be working. Hopefully after a few days I'll be able to see things a bit more clearly and maybe, just maybe we'll be able to have a grown up conversation instead of a slanging match Hmm

OP posts:
Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 22:57

It can work and be stronger but everyone has to want it and work very hard at it.. Good luck!

magoria · 16/08/2015 13:32

There is nothing wrong with your trust issues. Your trust is bang on target.

You don't trust a man who is lying to you and when caught out tells you that you are over-reacting and isn't sorry, despite his previous history.

I wonder if your relationship ended if you would need the ADs for long after.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2015 13:40

Obviously I have trust issues that need to be worked on

People in secure relationships don't have 'trust issues'. You have trust issues because your OH isn't trustworthy.

The problem isn't your medication or you. It's him.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 16/08/2015 13:51

You have trust issues for good reasons though! He's cheated in the past and presumably knows how much that hurt you and yet he still thinks it acceptable to see this woman behind your back. Please don't blame yourself for not trusting him!

You are still young enough to start over. Think hard about that because, from the things you've said, it sounds like he's not the best thing for you and will continue to manipulate and hurt you.

thehypocritesoaf · 16/08/2015 14:01

When you say you have 'trust issues' what on earth do you mean?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 16/08/2015 14:39

Why do I get the feeling that HE has told you that you have trust issues? Hmm

Garlick · 16/08/2015 14:42

Imagine this post: AIBU to be nervous of this repair firm?

A few years ago my heating system needed a full overhaul. I used a firm with very good recommendations, all the certifications, and so on. They quoted me £1,200 which was a lot but not as much as a replacement, and they said it would all be done in one day.

When they turned up, they pulled everything apart and told me the problem was worse than they thought. They left us with no hot water and radiators hanging off the walls for over a week before informing me I needed a new boiler after all and some new pipes. It was now going to cost £2,400. We were desperate by now so I reluctantly agreed. They got everything working properly, but didn't repair the decorations where they'd pulled stuff out. We couldn't find the camera or DD's laptop afterwards, but couldn't prove they'd been stolen.

Now the boiler needs a service. The firm I used before have been on to me to have them fix it. I told them I can't trust them after last time but they keep telling me I'm being ridiculous. They say I'm exaggerating and need to trust them again. According to them, I don't understand central heating so my opinion doesn't matter. Are they right? Should I get the same people in again?

  • Now tell me how you've got "trust issues" ...
Guiltypleasures001 · 16/08/2015 16:41

Hi op

If your anti d's aren't working it's because the underlying issue of why you need them isnt being addressed.

The pills don't solve anything they just help to mask some of the symptoms of anxiety and stress. But if he is the cause and your stress levels are rising there is no point upping the tablets, because your brain is telling you to sort the cause out one way or the other.

You can't live like this, and you can't take anti d's for the rest of your life. Thanks

Original poster
mrsmalfoy · 16/08/2015 19:55

The depression started a long time before we met, around the time my mum and dad split up. It wasn't picked up on until I started self harming at around 13-14 because I'm good at bottling things up and pretending I'm fine, I knew it'd get on top of me eventually I just didn't realise how badly.
It's me that says I've got trust issues Alice, always been the same. I've always been scared of letting anyone too close in case they hurt me Sad

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/08/2015 20:02

It sounds an awful lot like he's establishing a relationship with her precisely because he thinks she'll be up for being an OW.

OP, you don't need to stay with this guy just to try to prove to yourself that you don't have issues and can make a relationship work.

Original poster
mrsmalfoy · 17/08/2015 09:24

Thank you snow I know this but I want it to work.
Anyway....
I told him to decide what was more important, our relationship or being friends with some tart he hardly knows, he says it's me and dc's. So I've got him to ring ow and tell her he wouldn't be seeing her any more. No explanation, just not to contact him again. I've added her number to his block list and deleted it and any messages from his phone.
Hes been told in no uncertain terms that if I find out he's even been in the same breathing space as her I'll walk, and I will find out because not all his 'friends' are friends and she's too thick to keep her mouth shut as well.

I'm just hoping I've done the right thing and we can keep talking and working things out. I suppose time will tell

OP posts:
Garlick · 17/08/2015 16:33

That took nerve :) Good luck, I hope it goes the way you want.

Smilingforth · 18/08/2015 06:37

Well done and the best of luck. You as a brave strong woman