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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this message?

67 replies

HeadFeelsStrange · 14/08/2015 15:27

Please help. I feel a bit numb. What would you think if you found this on your boyfriend's phone? I just did. From him to a woman I've heard of but not met. He and I are in a long distance relationship.
'I feel a bit closer to a decision today. One thing I would like to ask is whether you have any personal thoughts on my applying because, depending on what you decide about me, you might become involved and your opinion would be very important to me! Please don't think I'm pushing you, or being presumptuous, just wanted to check in with you whether you would have personal reservations about either avenue :) If you don't feel you can answer, I quite understand.'

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 14/08/2015 15:30

could just be that they will be working together and she's wondering if he can give her the heads upon any info RE whatever the job is.

DuelingFanjo · 14/08/2015 15:30

are all previous messages deleted?

TheHobbit · 14/08/2015 15:32

It sounds like he is thinking of splitting up with you and he's trying to ask her if she will be in his future. That's how it sounds to me unfortunately SadFlowers

Original poster
HeadFeelsStrange · 14/08/2015 15:33

He's now deleted the message thread. However I've seen a terrible one, I paraphrase now as I didn't forward it to myself - something about not wanting to hurt his feelings but she doesn't look on him as anything more than a friend. I shouldn't have looked.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFeelsStrange · 14/08/2015 15:34

TheHobbit. I think you're spot on. Unfortunately I'm currently on holiday with him. I can't bear this

OP posts:
DarkNavyBlue · 14/08/2015 15:35

Well that's conclusive then. What do you want to do?

Original poster
HeadFeelsStrange · 14/08/2015 15:36

What do I want to do

OP posts:
whatlifestylechoice · 14/08/2015 15:36

I would have thought it's about a job as well.

biffyboom · 14/08/2015 15:36

Sounds like they have some history together, or there has been a time when they came close to sharing some.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 15:36

What is your relationship like? How 'long distance' is it?

maybebabybee · 14/08/2015 15:40

Think you need to ask him about it. Sorry this has happened OP Flowers

MrNoseybonk · 14/08/2015 15:40

How does "my applying" fit into the thinking of leaving theory?
The rest of it sounds overly familiar though, especially in light of the update.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2015 15:41

Had you suspected something was going on? Do you know the woman?

Original poster
HeadFeelsStrange · 14/08/2015 15:44

I know of the woman.
He's currently working away from the UK for a year, this is the first time we've seen each other in 6 months. I was very vocal about being upset by his decision to move away. I haven't been very nice to him I suppose. I need to talk to him. Ugh shaky

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 15:45

Yes - I think you do need to talk to him.

Epilepsyhelp · 14/08/2015 15:48

Sounds like he's put himself out there in wanting to get together with her and she hadn't yet given him the message bluntly enough that she wasn't interested. Sorry OP.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2015 16:04

With that in mind, then, I would say that it sounds as though he's thinking of applying for another job and his decision whether to apply will depend on whether this woman wants things to go further.

OP, most of us would be very vocal if our husbands said they were going to work away for a year. Don't blame yourself for that.

MarieJeanne · 14/08/2015 16:17

I think it sounds like he's thinking of applying for another job in order to relocate to be closer to this woman. Do you know where she lives?

SuperFlyHigh · 14/08/2015 16:24

Doesn't look good. can you ask him?

QueenBitchFromHell · 14/08/2015 16:28

I think it's possibly about applying for a job maybe near her or where she works and he is wanting to see how she feels about it because he hopes they may have a future together .

TokenGinger · 14/08/2015 16:28

I agree with previous posters. It sounds like he's looking at moving back to the UK/applying for a job there and he's using that as an excuse to gauge how she feels. It sounds like maybe she hasn't been leading him on but he's become presumptuous about what their friendship is and she's cleared it up by saying nothing more than a friend. But his intent to leave is still there.

Hope you're ok, OP.

magoria · 14/08/2015 16:31

If she had said yes do you think he would be sitting debating how upset he was over you?

Nah, he would be packing his bags telling you that it had not been good for a while.

You deserve better than second best or OK until something better comes along.

Aramynta · 14/08/2015 16:32

Talk to him and ask him what's going on. From what you have read it seems he is pursuing her, regardless of how she feels about him.

Make it easy for him OP and stop yourself getting even more hurt in the process Thanks

Morganly · 14/08/2015 16:35

It sounds like he's been angling for a relationship with her, she's not given a clear no until now, and he wanted her views on him applying for another job as if they did start a relationship it would affect how much they could be together. She's now given him a clear no.

Sorry, horrible for you.

wannaBe · 14/08/2015 16:55

are you the poster whose bf was going to work in nz for a year and you had major reservations? iirc opinions were divided on that one with half the posters saying that you should let him go off and have an adventure and the other half saying to end the relationship before he left (I was of the latter persuasion).

Tbh it sounds to me as if he wants to apply for another job, but that he has also become close to this woman but doesn't actually know where they stand. The bit about her opinion being very important depending on where they ended up sounds as if he's testing her feelings by saying "if we got together then would come to you for these kinds of opinions so I thought I'd ask you anyway." That way he's sort of pushing her for an answer on her feelings for him without coming straight out and asking her about them., iyswim.

IMO these kinds of relationships where couples are countries apart are doomed to failure because there is far too little contact to sustain them. I'm not talking about people who work abroad in the forces etc, although I do think that becoming close to other men/women if people live totally long distance relationships is inevitable and affairs are more common than not. If you were only bf/gf at the stage when he moved then there was no real commitment for him to hold on to.

I would ask him outright, but I would be prepared to walk away from this relationship as it has no future.