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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To fuck buddy or not to fuck buddy

60 replies

FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 11:27

Firstly, I have NC'd as I don't want to be outed. I promise I'm not a bored teenager either.

About 9 years ago I worked in the same office as a guy and we quickly became friends. We both had partners so nothing happened. I moved jobs but we all stayed friends.

Our personal lives have changed and I've been single for a couple of years. We still speak and I still saw my friend and his partner monthly. She started to not turn up but my friend still did. She knew about it but was just busy or didn't fancy it.

They have split up about a year ago and we have been getting closer. Nothing dodgy but we've became like best friends.

Drunkenly he admitted he likes me and really misses sex and intimacy. I do fancy him and miss the sex so said he should come over when I'm child free next week.

Now I'm just kind of freaking out about the whole thing. I mean I've had a child and I look a lot better with clothes on. The teenage part of me is super excited though and even just thinking about it happening makes me smile. Neither of us want a relationship but a fuck buddy with someone we can trust.

I've no idea what he's expecting. Do you just go with the flow or talk it all through before. I'm just a weird mixture of nerves and excitement. Is it usual for them to stay the night? He's suggesting all sorts of positions and it's been so long I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

He's very laid back , open and I completely trust him so I might just be overthinking this all.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 16:49

Thanks for the responses. I have messaged him saying that I do t think I can do it as I think it'd be a bad idea as I do like him and don't want to be hurt etc. He's busy at work but has said he'll talk to me about it tonight and to not worry :s.

OP posts:
rouxlebandit · 14/08/2015 17:10

You want sex but you don't want to jeopardize your friendship so why not book a male escort?

lavenderhoney · 14/08/2015 17:24

Not worry as he will still be friends after a no strings shag ( of course!! Hmm or not worry because he feels the same? Nice he said that though. He might say anything atm as he thought it was on:)

Whatever he tells you, don't sleep with him for ages! At least three months. When he calls you be nice and honest. You are not asking for life long commitment and a ring:) you're doing what anyone does in a relationship and finding out what works for you and making sure the risk factor is as low as possible for being dumped or used, and getting to know him as a boyfriend might be different.

And date him. If he doesn't want to date, stop spending your free time with him and date others.

Glitteryarse · 14/08/2015 17:32

He is after a shag. He will say anything.

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 18:09

Roux, I did think about it but I really don't want to pay for sex and also I would like to think that they were doing it because they wanted to/at least found me attractive and not because I was a way to pay the bills.

I'd like to think he'd like to date me and take it slowly but who knows. He's working late so won't know for a while.

I must have my blinkers on as I don't see him like that.

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/08/2015 18:27

That's why taking it slowly matters. Just be honest. Any man ( or woman) will say anything if they really want sex.

Date the man, and enjoy it. You're already friends and hanging out together. You know - stealth dating:) FWB is bullshit in this situation. You both know that.

Doesn't he catch your hand on walks, buy you flowers? Be kind and never stress you with fuckwittage?

Rockluvvindad · 14/08/2015 19:54

I lost someone I could have happily been with for the rest of my life because we stupidly went into a FWB relationship.

Like you we were great friends, enjoyed spending time together and just really got on.

Because we were FWB we were free to date others. Stupidly I did, and when she realised I had done early in the arrangement, she ended it rather than reboot it as a full relationship like I wanted by then and had been wanting move it towards.

So I would say if you like the guy, he likes you, you're really close then just go all out and see if you can have a relationship. If it all goes well, brilliant. You have a partner you love. If it doesn't, it would probably have gone wrong as FWB anyway, so you'd be no worse off.

RLD

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 20:13

Lavender, he will hold my hand when out if he senses I don't feel safe/comfortable. I'm quite short and slim and he's a lot bigger, so when we walk down an alleyway to get to the local he always holds it. He happily sits with his hand on my thigh whilst watching films. He'll always pop around if I've had a bad day and need a hug/chat. He bakes me cakes to send into work and will often leave me little pressies hidden in my house when he comes over. Nothing big, just thoughtful things like my fave choc bar on my bed or a magazine/book hidden under a cushion. We talk most days for at least 30 mins and he's just someone who's lovely/stable and reliable in my life.

I do similar little things for him, so it's not all one sided.

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/08/2015 20:20

Er- so you were behaving as though you were transitioning to a loving sexual relationship.

So who threw a spanner in the works and suggested a FWB scenario? It was all going so well!

Deeznutz · 14/08/2015 20:29

This is already a romantic relationship. Have sex and see if you are compatible.

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 20:33

Looking back on it you're right Lavender.

I just thought we were just close mates. If tables were reversed I'd hold a mates hand if she was scared or go round when they'd had a bad day or buy her some choc and I've done similar for him.

It really shocked me when he told me he liked me. I think I see myself differently. My self confidence is pretty low but improving and someone finding me attractive was a shock.

He knows that I don't want a relationship as we've spoken about my ex. Well I thought I didn't and I guess FWB is the obvious choice to him...

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/08/2015 20:53

Hate to break the news, but you were already in a relationship:) the beginning of one.

You did the FWB talk didn't you? That was you panicking he would shag your and fuck off, and trying to make it ok because you wanted sex. You should have posted sooner on mn:)

Meet him, go for a lovely walk and lunch/ picnic and tell him what a worrier you are. You were giving the man an out when he didn't want one! And actually, he clearly likes you, so you're not being very nice and respectful to his feelings. Be brave, be honest how you feel, and take your time together. There is no rush.

lavenderhoney · 14/08/2015 21:03

Look, you are at the point where if dating ( met someone, a few months later) would be having sex for the first time. You panicked. Totally normal. Not to offer FWB btw! That's your issue. Talk here about that:)

He might sleep with you and bugger off. He might want all kinds of weird things in bed:) he might be lovely and everything be cool but you have imagined the worst case scenario, still wanted sex, and started to mess with your head. you have to calm down and treat yourself nicely. He likes you as a person, wants to have sex with you, why take that down to FWB? Isn't he worth more to you?

He's not your ex. Don't let your ex fuck it up.

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 21:07

Thinking back, yes I did suggest it. He drunkenly told me he liked me and if I hadn't have suggested it he may have said something different. I know he thinks that I don't want a relationship though.

He doesn't finish work until 11pm tonight and I can't message him again, as I've already sent him a few garballed ones.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 14/08/2015 21:11

I think you do want a relationship but you're scared because of what happened with your ex.

You like him, you're close friends, you like hanging out with him, you fancy him... Add sex and it would be a relationship.

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 21:13

I just didn't want to get hurt I guess, but equally I know if I don't put myself out there I know I'll never find anyone.

I know he's not my ex and I should start any/every relationship as a fresh not dragging along my past.

In our drunken chats he has said the things he likes to do in bed and it's all pretty normal :).

OP posts:
something2say · 14/08/2015 21:22

I agree that the relationship has already started. Have a food think about that fact. Holding hands? His hand on your thigh???

What I'd do is this.....

When he comes round,messy that you are not the sort who would have a FWB scene. Exciting tho it might be, wink wink. Say that in truth you want a partner to be happy with. And that's it.

And then move the conversation on. In my experience, men have changed their tack towards me lots of times when I have sort of 'told them my standards.' So if you can find a way to hint at your sexiness etc and readiness, while making it clear that your heart is precious too, and your self respect, then you should be able to see if he responds in kind.

Kiss at the door. Don't discuss 'what we are doing here' and then wait and see what he does next.

I think he is not your friend, or he is no longer. It is moving forwards and it could be lovely xxx

Hoping I haven't made myself sound like some sort of 1800s maiden with this post!!! But I swear, one time I protected myself in this way with a date, and my god that first kiss!!!!

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 21:30

Thanks something. I have sent him a few messages messily saying that I think it's a bad idea to be FWB as I like him more than that and I would end up hurt should he start dating other people.

OP posts:
something2say · 14/08/2015 21:43

You've totally given yourself away then. A few messages?? Time to wait now then!

Smilingforth · 14/08/2015 22:18

Good luck!

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 22:48

I know, I panicked and now I feel like a fool. It's the waiting that's the worst. I feel about 15 not 30, argh!

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 15/08/2015 05:36

A few messages?! Oh dear. Step away from the phone now.

Yes, agree about repositioning your FWB view. Also, try to talk about it when you are both sober, like during a nice walk in the day:)

Original poster
FuckBuddyHelp · 15/08/2015 09:31

I know, I know and still no response. I'm just leaving it now and will see what happens.

OP posts:
SoleBizzzz · 15/08/2015 14:22

You are already too emotionally invested for this to ever work. It'll end up with your head fucked.

Glitteryarse · 15/08/2015 14:45

You can totally claw this back !

Don't message him at all and when he does message be breezy and bright but no shaggjng!

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