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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and his sister

47 replies

CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:21

I am at my wit's end. DH has a terrible relationship with his sister. She is elderly (74) and has health problems, though she is still very active. She is badly overweight. He is 68, super fit and very slim. He blames all of her health problems on her weight and is direct to the point of rude about it. He shouts at her.

SIL likes me and confides in me. We are their only family locally and they (she and her DH) rely on us a lot for support - practical and emotional.

She broke a limb last year because she fell and was incapacitated for a long time. DH blamed her for the fall and thought this would be a wake up call for her to lose weight and this would solve some of her health problems.

Today I got this email from her:

Cheddar,

I broke my left wrist on Monday afternoon. I went to the village hall to look at the WI fair and fell when I got to the top of the stairs. I have a plaster on. I have not told DB yet because I am scared of his attitude to me. He is aggressive. I am losing weight but it is a slow process and I have been swimming everyday for ages. With my bad back joints I have been told it is the best form of exercise. I have noticed for ages I am losing my balance when I go round corners.

Love SIL

I just feel stuck in the middle of a grouchy DH and a needy SIL. I feel it's up to them to sort themselves out. DH and I just end up arguing when we talk about her.

I don't really know what my question is. Sad

OP posts:
Realitea · 12/08/2015 22:24

It is up to them to sort out. She sounds as though she's asking for help though. Is he really aggressive?

pocketsaviour · 12/08/2015 22:25

How about replying

"Dear SIL

Sorry my husband is such a rude, bullying slimebag. Can you manage on your own at home? I will pop over with some cake, and won't tell H why. Have you spoken to the GP about your balance problem? It could be a problem with your ears.

Love Cheddar"

Realitea · 12/08/2015 22:25

I just read it again. She doesn't have anyone else. I feel very sad for her especially being shouted at.

MilesHuntsWig · 12/08/2015 22:27

Maybe your DH needs to exercise his brain and realise that some people don't respond to aggressive twats

Everythinghaschanged · 12/08/2015 22:27

I think that's awful behaviour from him. She is crying out for help and I think you should support her.

He would be getting an earful from me if that was my h.

Everythinghaschanged · 12/08/2015 22:28

If you can't tell him he is out of order, who will? She is obviously too scared to. Big bully.

TulipsAndSwifts · 12/08/2015 22:28

Your SIL sounds lovely but really quite scared of your dh. I'm also worried about her dizzy turns - would she be willing to speak to her doctor about them?

AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 22:29

your husband sounds like a right bastard

chippednailvarnish · 12/08/2015 22:31

He's not sounding particularly nice, your DH. If his wife says he's a "grouch" and his sister says he's "aggressive" it sounds like he needs to learn some manners.
I'd frankly be worried if I were ever incapacitated and put on weight, that he'dhe'd start picking on me as well.

BertPuttocks · 12/08/2015 22:31

Your poor SIL. :(

Leaving people to "sort themselves out" only works when there is no power imbalance. Your dh is a bully and SIL is scared of him.

I sincerely hope that he doesn't expect any sympathy when he is ill or injured.

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:34

I do challenge him on his behaviour towards her. At the time, afterwards, all the time.

He's not a bastard. He's got a terrible relationships with SIL - their behaviour towards each other is like they are back in their childhood.

SIL is not honest with herself about how her lifestyle contributes to her health problems. That infuriates DH because he/we then have to support her. Her husband doesn't challenge her either.

SIL has at least 2-3 medical appointments every week so she has shared all of her medical problems with everyone who needs to know.

OP posts:
Everythinghaschanged · 12/08/2015 22:36

She's in her 70s. Is she really going to respond to being 'challenged' at this stage of her life?

AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 22:36

the woman is 74

your horrible husband should let her live the lifestyle she chooses without abusing her for it

what is she realistically going to do at her age ? She isn't going to lose 5 stone and start running 10k's is she ?

chippednailvarnish · 12/08/2015 22:38

So what if your health deteriorates and you put on weight? Will you be on the receiving end of his temper?

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:40

Everythinghaschanged and AnyFucker - I agree. I don't think she's going to change.

But, she spends a lot of time telling us how unhappy she is being fat. Which is like a red rag to DH's bull.

OP posts:
storytopper · 12/08/2015 22:41

How much is her DH capable of doing?

How much practical help is she hoping for from you and your DH?

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:43

He's not unpleasant to anyone else he knows (and likes) who's overweight. It's a symptom of his poor relationship with his sister, not the cause.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:45

BIL is physically fit but not great mental health, prone to bouts of terrible depression.

He has been rendered domestically incapable by SIL. Can't boil an egg.

DH spends 10 - 20 hours a week giving practical support to them, plus we host Christmas, give a of emotional support...

OP posts:
chippednailvarnish · 12/08/2015 22:46

Well if he's only picking on her, he's simply a bully. Probably because any other adult on the recieving end of his agression would put him back in his box.

patienceisvirtuous · 12/08/2015 22:46

Sorry but he does sound like a shit...

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:46

I don't know what I am asking really, but it's such a relief just to get it out.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 12/08/2015 22:49

Could your dsil be suffering from osteoporosis, or vitamin d deficiency if she doesn't get out and about much during daylight hours? If she hasn't done so already, I suggest you encourage her to visit her GP with a view to having a blood test and other investigations into the possible causes of lack of balance and what appear to be her brittle bones.

Does your dbil stand up to your dh or is he intimidated by him too?

Perhaps you should remind your dh that he may be super fit and slim today but, as other 68 yo's have discovered, that can change in an instant and it will only be poetic justice if others are as unsympathetic to his health problems as he is to his dsis's.

BertPuttocks · 12/08/2015 22:52

How would you feel if anyone else in SIL's life treated her the way your dh does?

Would you try to excuse their behaviour?

The irony is that SIL has already made it to her 74th birthday. There is no guarantee whatsoever that your dh will make it to his, no matter how fit or slim he may be.

Original poster
CheddarGorgeous · 12/08/2015 22:56

goddessofsmallthings Re osteoporosis. She has low bone density. Diagnosed 10 years ago. She stopped taking medication for it because of a random newspaper article she read.

Can you see how she can frustrate DH? When she fell last year he spent a lot of time helping her. Hours a day. BIL had never even done the laundry before so DH did all of that.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour. I loathe it.

Maybe this is better in "eldery relations". Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 22:58

if the cost of "helping" her is so high that he has to verbally abuse her then he should stay away

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