DH and his sister

[CheddarGorgeous]

I am at my wit's end. DH has a terrible relationship with his sister. She is elderly (74) and has health problems, though she is still very active. She is badly overweight. He is 68, super fit and very slim. He blames all of her health problems on her weight and is direct to the point of rude about it. He shouts at her.

SIL likes me and confides in me. We are their only family locally and they (she and her DH) rely on us a lot for support - practical and emotional.

She broke a limb last year because she fell and was incapacitated for a long time. DH blamed her for the fall and thought this would be a wake up call for her to lose weight and this would solve some of her health problems.

Today I got this email from her:

Cheddar,

I broke my left wrist on Monday afternoon. I went to the village hall to look at the WI fair and fell when I got to the top of the stairs. I have a plaster on. I have not told DB yet because I am scared of his attitude to me. He is aggressive. I am losing weight but it is a slow process and I have been swimming everyday for ages. With my bad back joints I have been told it is the best form of exercise. I have noticed for ages I am losing my balance when I go round corners.

Love SIL

I just feel stuck in the middle of a grouchy DH and a needy SIL. I feel it's up to them to sort themselves out. DH and I just end up arguing when we talk about her.

I don't really know what my question is.

Are you also involved in the practical help or is it just your DH? Could you also be there when he is helping and try to ensure that he is not too mean to his DSis?

Your DH maybe resents the amount of time he is spending giving support. Is there a chance of sourcing any agencies to help through social services or whatever - or could there be funds to provide a few hours of help?

Yes I am wondering why you all have so much to do with each other. My sister and I see each other a lot and support each other but not 20 hours a week.

Sounds like your dh likes helping as it gives him control and an excuse to continue the bullying.

Sounds like your dh likes helping as it gives him control and an excuse to continue the bullying.

Honestly, he doesn't. But he feels obliged. And he likes BIL.

And they both do rely on him. And phone and ask him for help.

I bet he "wouldn't hear" of some much more caring, professional and empathic stranger doing what he does

What excuse would he have to be a shit to her then ?

I think you're hoping we'll all tell you that your DH is just misguided and misunderstood and that he means well.

He's a bully.

Do you think it may be borne from frustration? Did he look up to her as a child and is secretly sad to see what has become of her or he's a miserable twat who needs a punch in the head

Well if he can't do it with good grace he shouldn't do it at all.

blue I'm veering towards twat just now.

Am going to sleep on it but if anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

It can be intensely frustrating when our nearest and dearest don't or won't act on sound advice that's given in their best interests, but that doesn't give us license to abuse them.

It's as AF has said; if your h can't refrain from verbally abusing his dsis when he's 'helping' her, he should butt out leave it to those who can assist her with good grace in a non-judgemental manner.

He should also be wary of working himself up into such a rage that he shouts at her as she may have to use her unrestricted hand to dial 999 and get him stretchered off to A&E if he's struck down by a stroke/heart attack.

If your dsil's fractured wrist is paining her, tell her to have a couple of slugs of vodka which will eliminate ease the pain and may give her dutch courage to tell her db to piss off stop using her vent his angst.

DH likes BIL, is that why he doesn't bully him and takes up his slack. He is enabling him to stay useless by doing it all for him. If he's never used a washing machine, surely the usual thing would be to go round an teach him, not go to do it himself. Never having done a task is not a valid reason to continue to not do it.
Perhaps your DH may like to moan about the hours he puts in a little too much.

You've posted describing really nasty behaviour but every time someone expresses an opinion about your DH you make excuses for him. I'm a bit confused as to what you actually want from posters on here.

DH likes BIL, is that why he doesn't bully him and takes up his slack. He is enabling him to stay useless by doing it all for him. If he's never used a washing machine, surely the usual thing would be to go round an teach him, not go to do it himself. Never having done a task is not a valid reason to continue to not do it.

Yes indeed. Quite happy to sneer at how it's SIL's fault that her DH is useless domestically and be proud of how he (OP's DH) is not useless, yet still more than willing to infantilise the SIL's DH and do it for him. Utterly bizarre.

I also wonder just how much of a role the OP's DH's bullying had on shaping the SIL into who she is today.

Consider a possible future where it's quite possible that SIL's health is so bad that she either dies or needs nursing home care. Suddenly you have a domestically inexperienced BIL, who can't cope on his own because he's never been encouraged to. How many hours then to care for him? Or would he even move in?

So you see, your DH is not doing them any favours by spending unnecessary hours 'helping'. In fact it's more harm than good. Get him to cut back, a helpful food shop should be all it takes as you say BIL is physically fit and able

With the further details you've given, I'd suggest your H step back from offering any physical help at all. If BIL is really so incapable that he can't cope with doing anything, they can self-refer to adult services section of social services and will be assessed for having a carer in to help on a regular basis.

While I understand a certain amount of your H's frustration (your SIL sounds a lot like my mum), he simply cannot take it out on his sister with this verbal abuse.

Withdrawing his support (and yours) may actually give them both the kick up the bum to start sorting themselves out.

I assumed SIL was on her own

why the hell is your H bailing his BIL out ?

Doesn't sound like either of them are covering themselves in glory tbh. Why on earth do your SiL and her husband need so much support from your dh? Do they ask for it? Not surprised he's resentful if so, that's a huge amount.

I think they need to see a lot less of each other.

I work FT so just reading and responding in a quick lunch break.

SIL and BIL are fairly needy, but not off the scale for their age. SIL has physical health problems and BIL suffers from depression which can cripple him. Although for much of the time he is absolutely fine. They would not be seen as candidates for adult social services at all. SIL had some home help when she broke a limb last year but that has stopped.

Types of help include: figuring out their IT issues; some DIY (DH is very handy); occasional lifts; dog sitting; looking after the house / garden when they are on holiday; loads of advice on a variety of things that modern life throws at them (setting up their TV, helping them complain to BT, that type of thing).

And just spending time with them. SIL values emotional support and tries to get it from DH. Her children live far away and should pitch in a lot more but don't. She actively seeks out our company. She phones most days.

They moved from a very isolated spot to be closer to us four years ago. Before that we saw them about three times a year.

I think it's something in their family dynamic. SIL shouts at BIL and also hits him in frustration (never to hurt but still...). SIL admits she shouted at her own DM when she was her carer.

DH is not shouty with other people. He cared for his own terminally ill son (from previous marriage) for years without ever losing it.

I think you're right about it being a family dynamic. My Mum & I have a similar relationship (minus the shouting & hitting, but a lot of anger & frustration). It's very hard to see someone you love allow themselves to suffer, particularly when the responsibility is laid on you & you are expected to prop them up emotionally. It's very painful to be on the end of.

The only way I've managed a somewhat better relationship is to step back a lot. I won't listen any more to moaning about hating being fat, etc, as I know it will never change & only spirals into me being mean & her being upset. Then me being upset afterwards, which she doesn't see. Maybe you can talk with your husband about setting some boundaries that will stop the conversations that distress him most?

This all sounds rather familiar to me as my DP has a helpless DSis too, but he is very kind to her and gets frustrated when she fails to set boundaries on the abusive losers in her family who trample all over her. Then moans over and over about the same thing. Which she could stop happening if she was firm.

You say you aren't sure what the question is. And you feel trapped in between them. Do you feel you should be helping more so SIL is not exposed to the bullying? Or tackling DH to get him to see he is being unkind and it is unproductive as well as hurtful?

Thank you ????

Since first posting I have really stepped back, reiterated to DH how completely unacceptable his behaviour is and just left it.

I had a long talk with SIL and told her I couldn't change DH, she knows it's between the two of them.

She told me that her father was shouty, that her mother was unhappy in the marriage and it sounds like he was very much 'master of the house', expecting everyone to kow-tow to him. Both DH's parents died before I knew him so I never met them.

It does explain a lot. DH does have a tendency to get a bit headmaster-ish but I thought it was because he was a teacher for many years, but I think it's also learnt behaviour.