Finding this hard

[stargirl1701]

I'm struggling with my Dad. He has just phoned to TELL me he is bringing his new girlfriend to DD2's first birthday celebration. I said No.

It's a small afternoon tea for the grandparents and godparents in our house.

I haven't met this girlfriend. He has known her 6 weeks since meeting her online in June. My Mum has been dead for 9 years now.

I feel like I can't believe that he doesn't realise how inappropriate this is. She's a stranger to everyone - including him! 6 bloody weeks!

This happened with his first girlfriend too. He insisted she came to DD1's Christening after he had been in that relationship for 3 months. It was awkward as my Mum's family were there. He spilt up with her after 6 months.

He has thrown his toys out of the pram and now isn't coming at all. Honestly.

Tbh, I see first birthdays as for adults rather than the child because, as a PP has said, the child won't recall it. It's an afternoon tea for adults - champagne, sandwiches, scones. The only other child will be DD1. It's me, DH, PILS, 2 godparents and my Dad. I still think it's an inappropriate gathering to meet a date.

I take the point that saying no does represents a 'toys out the pram' from me too!

He is desperate for a relationship. He is lonely. He actually lives most of the year in Spain. His new girlfriend lives here. He's only home for 10 days this time. I spoke to my brother last night (he's not coming but he doesn't do social occasions regardless of whose they are) and he tells me that Dad has given her a key to his house. I'm staggered. He literally met her at the end of June when he was back for another 10 days. He knew her 10 days and gave her a key.

Personally, I think that pushing the relationship makes it fail. It's just too much too soon. It's definitely a pattern over the last 2 years.

Agree with you OP, it's inappropriate to bring someone he barely knows himself to a small family party. If it were me I'd be saying no too and organise a separate time to meet her.

You see I find the "I don't do social occasions" from your DB much ruder than a lonely man wanting to bring a guest. Although admittedly I don't know the circumstances re your brother's stance

Oh, that would be a saga. Essentially, he doesn't do life. A 35 year old man living like a 15 year old. He sleeps all day and plays online games overnight. It's bizarre! But, he's not my responsibility.

If it was your brother bringing a new girlfriend would you think it innapropriate?

how old are the "girlfriends"? Presumably these are also women who are more mature and without time to pussyfoot around? Not quite in the same category as giving an 18 year old a key, although still rather silly. Do try to remember that he knows he doesnt have 60 years ahead of him.

He's only home for 10 days, I now have more sympathy for him trying to move his relationship forward and not miss an event with his grandchild.

He's a grown up - you might think it's 'too much too soon' - and it might well be, but it's his life

I said upthread I felt sorry for him - even more so now

Well in that case op I think your annoyance is so misplaced. Try being happy for your dad instead.

He is desperate for a relationship. He is lonely. He actually lives most of the year in Spain. His new girlfriend lives here. He's only home for 10 days this time

You've said it! ^
Your father's lonely. Why shouldn't he introduce his lovely warm friendly welcoming family to his new girlfriend? He must be proud of you. He probably hasn't a clue how you feel about his 5 girlfriends in recent years. He's brought his new girlfriend with him for 10 days - what is she meant to do while he's at the party? Sit outside in the car?
Rightly or wrongly he sees himself as being in a couple - but you obviously don't.
Would it be so hard to welcome this stranger into your home?

Sherbet, I would be stunned! But, yes, even more inappropriate, tbh. He hasn't yet met DD2 who will be a year old this week! He just isn't part of the normal world.

Costa, you're right. It is his life. He chooses to live in ways that baffle me but it is his life. I just don't want to be dragged into meeting every women he dates. It feels like such an intrusion. My daughter's first birthday. My house. My friends. DH's friends and family. Longstanding relationships developed over decades. Not some random woman who, most likely, will be replaced by another by this Christmas. And, then...I do it all over again.

I can't be arsed tbh. Making random small talk with a stranger as I try to make a person I don't want to be there feel welcome.

But, it would my Dad happy. Aaaaaaaahhhhh! Rock and hard place.

It's very hard and you will probably know in your heart of hearts what you should do

Oh well, he's 70, realistically, I doubt he'll be chasing women for too much longer, another 5 or 10 years and you won't have to worry about it

You're going to love this...she doesn't think it's a good idea to come and would prefer to meet next week too.

Gah! I haven't been sleeping with worry over this!

Party prep is mostly done. Just finishing a batch of dairy free, egg free, gluten free fairy cakes...probably taste free!

Thank you everyone for helping me work through my feelings. I appreciate the time you have taken to respond.

Result all round - I can't believe you haven't been sleeping over this though!

Ha! Typical eh? It's never the things we stay awake worrying about that end up being a problem.

Enjoy the party

Yes inappropriate, my dad was the same, big gatherings and we'd realise several women were his girlfriends. We'd not met them, not been introduced. Awful

Tell your dad you'd love to meet her but either before or after your child's birthday. If he wants a strop let him strop.

Oh I'm so glad the gf made same judgement as you. Wish you a lovely party

sounds like this girlfriend is one you should want to meet - and encourage - then as she shares some of your values.

We had a wonderful day with no drama. Just trying to get an overtired toddler and overtired baby to bed!