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Original poster

Finding this hard

70 replies

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:33

I'm struggling with my Dad. He has just phoned to TELL me he is bringing his new girlfriend to DD2's first birthday celebration. I said No.

It's a small afternoon tea for the grandparents and godparents in our house.

I haven't met this girlfriend. He has known her 6 weeks since meeting her online in June. My Mum has been dead for 9 years now.

I feel like I can't believe that he doesn't realise how inappropriate this is. She's a stranger to everyone - including him! 6 bloody weeks!

This happened with his first girlfriend too. He insisted she came to DD1's Christening after he had been in that relationship for 3 months. It was awkward as my Mum's family were there. He spilt up with her after 6 months.

He has thrown his toys out of the pram and now isn't coming at all. Honestly.

OP posts:
DressingGownFrown · 12/08/2015 16:15

I agree OP.

It's weird, its your child's party, her parents, grandparents and godparents are invited. This lady may be nice, but isn't an important person in your daughter's life. What if she sees pictures when she is older and asks who it is?

If one of the godparents had a girl/boyfriend of 6 weeks, they wouldn't be invited - I'm assuming.

I would say no like you have.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 16:19

Earlier you said 'I don't get why I have to meet everyone he dates' that's what makes it sound to me, that you don't want to think about him having dates

Anyway, as I said earlier, if you're that bothered by it, just tell him

chrome100 · 12/08/2015 16:20

I think you are being a bit unwelcoming, tbh. Why does it have to be "family only"? Surely as your dad's girlfriend you should want her to join in these kind of things?

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 16:23

5 people in 2 years. It baffles me why he wants to jump into the relationship stage before the dating stage. They are all lovely (I can't say I've ever felt I've known any of them properly).

I don't get why he keeps repeating the same pattern, I guess.

In my head it would be, met someone, date them, introduce to friends and family, then start attending things as a couple.

He met my mum as a young teenager and then married her. He's never dated before in his life. Am I imposing modern dating norms on a 70 year old?

OP posts:
Original poster
stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 16:25

Dressing Gown is right in that a girlfriend/boyfriend of a godparent at 6 weeks wouldn't have been invited either.

And, I didn't invite her. I guess I also feel riled about being told rather than asked.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 16:26

Because he's lonely, probably, and wants to have someone to bring to these type of occasions and not feel like a spare part

Katie2001 · 12/08/2015 16:28

Costa - exactly what I was going to say. I always feel like that about family Christmas, etc, and would probably bring along a fairly new partner if they were happy with it.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 16:29

It all sounds slightly regimented and controlled - it's a small family party with some tea and cake and presents for a one year old, who won't know much of what's going on anyway - it sounds more like a wedding reception with invitations and a seating plan! I'd unclench a bit

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 18:05

Costa, you could say that about my entire life!

OP posts:
Original poster
stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 18:06

I guess I just thought that being Grandpa meant he wasn't a spare part.

OP posts:
HelpMeSandBGurus · 12/08/2015 18:11

OP, you are in no way overreacting, and I can't understand why some people are so lacking in empathy. He's known her 6 weeks. It's way too early to know if they'll stay together, and if they don't you'll have memories of a random stranger at your DD's first birthday. Not to mention the extra stress of entertaining a virtual stranger in a small group. And the memory of your mum. Why does he need to bring her? Answer is he doesn't, a gathering like this is a family event, and with all the best will in the world this woman isn't family. Stick to your guns.

Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 18:29

Why am I not surprised Smile

Is it really worth falling out with him if you have a good relationship otherwise? What does it matter if she's in photos? I'm afraid I couldn't get worked up over it

Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 18:33

But maybe he feels like a spare part - it sounds as though he was used to being part of a couple for a very long time, and he misses that

Unless he has form for bringing very young/drunk/otherwise unpleasant or embarrassing 'inappropriate' people, what harm will it do really?

Original poster
stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 19:29

It just so tiresome. I just feel like I did this already - multiple times! He asks to add someone in, whom I haven't met, to family events. I then see that person a few more times until it ends and the cycle starts again.

It IS weird. I am going to be introduced and then start introducing her to everyone else. There are so few people coming that it will totally alter the dynamic. It would've been easier in a large party format but I wanted to keep it simple. Failed at that anyway! Anything but simple.

He may ignore me and turn up with her anyway.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 19:38

Let him introduce her to everyone, you'll be busy organising the party! If it happens regularly, everyone will be used to it anyway, just another of grandpa's friends Smile smile and nod and hand round the cake

Pinkisthenewblue · 13/08/2015 00:11

OP sorry to say it but I think you are being a little childish and thoughtless.

Firstly, your daughter is turning 1...of course the attention won't be diverted from her! And even if it was, she wouldn't know. That point seems a little ridiculous.

Secondly, I can understand why you will miss your mum so much on this day in particular. But have you thought how your dad feels? You have your own family around you, he does not, in that same way. He is probably excited to share his family with this new lady and who are you to say that's too soon?

I think you should relax and realise life is too short for meaningless drama. Be thankful that your dad is there and that he wants his lady there with him to share in family events. With respect, I feel you've lost sight of how lucky that is to have a father like that.

Pinkisthenewblue · 13/08/2015 00:14

Oh and the people taking about a random woman in the photos... Can we put this in perspective. Take some extra ones without her in them. Jeez.

Seriously, life is too short to be worrying about this. Focus on your daughter and you'll barely even notice this lady's presence.

DressingGownFrown · 13/08/2015 00:24

WRT the photos, obviously there will be plenty with varying people in them, but for me I wouldn't want to ask my Mum "who is this?" and for her to say "that was Grandad's GF at the time" - and this is coming from someone with parents and grandparents divorced, remarried etc. In fact my own Grandfather recently got married to someone he met a couple of years back - so a relatively recent relationship. And though family met her (obviously), I know he was 'dating' but we didn't get introduced to them all.
Then again, my OH and I didn't go public with out relationship until we'd been together for six months or so, so I guess I'm different in that way. I like to keep things private and only become a a proper couple that gets invited to places as one person because I find it cringeworthy when people invite a 'flavour of the month' to special events.

That was just in response to the general discussion - not the OP in particular.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/08/2015 07:04

I wouldn't want to ask my Mum "who is this?" and for her to say "that was Grandad's GF at the time"

Why not? What does it matter?

alreadytaken · 13/08/2015 07:23

don't you think you've both thrown your toys out of the pram?

You have a father who wants to introduce you to his friends and wants them to be involved in his life. Dating norms were different years ago and it sound like your father is lonely and wants company. It is 9 years since your mother died - 9 years of loneliness for him. You have a family to fill the gap in your life and you still feel your mother's absence, how much more must he miss her!

Your daughter in a year old, frankly that isn't an important birthday and she wont remember it. She probably won't give a damn about photos in later life but she will remember if she had a grandfather.

I can understand that you would prefer not to have a stranger to you at family events but if that is what your Dad needs to get through them then stop acting like a child and let them both come.

swisscheesetony · 13/08/2015 07:30

Totally on your side OP from the pov it's wholly inappropriate to be parading a seemingly endless stream of women in front of your DD. When he feels they're "special", that's when they should be introduced.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/08/2015 09:11

FFS, he's supposed to keep his family and friends separate until he finds someone 'special'? What on earth is wrong with him introducing his friends to his family? He's 70, not a kid, previous women have been pleasant, according to the op

If someone came on here and said that a man she was seeing wouldn't introduce her to his adult children and grandchildren everyone would be shouting 'red flag' 'why doesn't he want you to meet his family?' 'What's he hiding?'

It all sounds like the stage-managed denouement of charles and camilla - the protocol of dating and serious relationships and meeting the family, according to debretts and tatler.

Nothing like creating a drama out of nothing eh?

MakeItRain · 13/08/2015 09:27

I agree with you. It's a small family party, you want to be relaxed with the focus on your dd, not your dad's new girlfriend, who is likely to only be in his life a short time given his recent history. Not only that but you've offered to meet them both with your children. Maybe it would have been easier if he'd run the idea past you first and asked what you thought, perhaps asking if you could meet before the party. But the fact he's just told you he's bringing her does suggest he isn't really considering your feelings, or hers. I think most people wouldn't generally TELL the host of a small party they were bringing an extra.

category1 · 13/08/2015 09:58

Your dad is 70 - not being funny but maybe he's feeling fairly 'carpe diem' - the waiting six months and doing things slowly isn't so much an option. Maybe he's very fit and healthy, but it might be in his thoughts.

I don't see a problem. 5 girlfriends is scarcely a stream of women, and you don't need to be anything other than friendly. He wants to introduce her to you all, don't make it an issue. Every relationship doesn't have to be serious or have longevity.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/08/2015 11:34

"They have been on 6 dates! Total."
"I just don't get why he doesn't take the time to get know someone, date them, then introduce his 'partner' rather than girlfriend."
"In my head it would be, met someone, date them, introduce to friends and family, then start attending things as a couple."

I agree with you Stargirl. What I find odd is that if this situation were the other way round, with a woman saying her new BF (who she'd only seen 6 times) wanted to introduce her to his family at an intimate landmark occasion, MN majority would be saying "Woah! Too much too soon", "red flags", "be careful OP"Confused.

I don't get the impression OP doesn't want her Dad to have GFs, or that she doesn't want to meet them, just that she doesn't want to meet very new GFs at family "occassions". There are plenty of far better times to do intros IMHO.

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