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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I cheated?

50 replies

Realitea · 12/08/2015 14:48

I've had a male friend for 12 years. I've always found him exciting and funny and all those good things and yet despite always liking each other we never quite got together.
We've both been married the same amount of time. Both have a few problems in our marriage.
We talk off and on, we always have. Over the past few months things got a little more intense. I was going to meet up with him (we never usually meet) then he cancelled saying it would be a bad idea. Then he was going to visit and I cancelled. It's like we are both toying with the idea but would never go through with actual cheating.
I have now said its time to stop for good. I am terrified our partners will find out some way. But it's not actually cheating is it? Or is it?
I know we will never end up together - I don't even find him that attractive. I think it's just the attention I like. And I like him as a person he just makes me happy and like a person again rather than a wife and mum.
I spoke to a few people years ago about him and they said he's a serial cheater. He does admit to it. I feel for his wife. I feel horrible for being involved in it too in some way.

OP posts:
overthemill · 12/08/2015 14:49

Yes. You have been unfaithful. And you know it

Glitteryarse · 12/08/2015 14:52

I think your sailing very close to it.

Just avoid him now. It really isn't worth wrecking your marrage over. Focus on you and your DH and fix what needs fixing there

SwingingBalls · 12/08/2015 14:54

You're on dangerous ground. If you're terrified of your partners finding out then you're clearly up to no good and you know it.

KurriKurri · 12/08/2015 14:59

People who are not cheating, are not usually terrified their partner will find out they are not cheating.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 15:02

yep

Joysmum · 12/08/2015 15:02

If you need to keep any aspect of your relationship with another, it's because you know this crosses their boundaries. Being unfaithful means not being faithful to the boundaries.

Sighing · 12/08/2015 15:03

Trust your gut. Meeting would be fatal. You're dancing along an EA. Back away and focus on why you're looking for fulfilment not from yourself for your gosls etc.

Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:04

But we have never met up behind our partners backs. we both agree in 'real life' we would not be the same and would be very embarrassed.

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 12/08/2015 15:04

Yes

TokenGinger · 12/08/2015 15:06

It's not physical cheating, but you're very close to it being an emotional affair. In fact, it probably already is.

And it's not yet physical because you haven't met.

Unfaithful? I'm not sure how you'd define that. But you're definitely being disloyal to your partner.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 15:06

could you show all the messages between you and him to your partner ?

Finola1step · 12/08/2015 15:07

You may not be physically cheating but you are emotionally cheating. And it sounds like you are very close to crossing that massive boundary. You can pull back and ask yourself why you entertain this situation. Admit it to yourself what it really is.

Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:07

No I couldn't. That says it all doesn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:08

I think I just feel unloved and unappreciated and unattractive.
My Dh is like a best mate but he's distant..we sleep in separate rooms for a start.

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 12/08/2015 15:08

Tell your husband. He'll let you know whether you're cheating or not.

FortyCoats · 12/08/2015 15:10

That's shit but cheating is not the answer. No excuses.

Try to work on your marriage (both make an effort) or leave.

I wouldn't be leaving for Mr Serial Cheater though!

Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:11

I'm tempted to tell him. Maybe it'll make him realise he needs to show he loves me if he does. We nearly separated last year for other reasons and it seems he only wanted to get back together because he didn't want to be separated from the dc's

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/08/2015 15:15

that is a shit situation but cheating or saying "look what you are making me do" is not the answer

cut off contact with Lover boy and either agree with your husband to get your marriage back on track or separate as amicably as you can

FortyCoats · 12/08/2015 15:17

I feel for you. I might come across snappy but only because, imo, when one person in a relationship is not aware what the other is doing, I consider it cheating.

Stop communicating with the other guy. Set a limit if you wish, no contact for six months say. Then get communicating with your husband. You both deserve to be happy so you've got three options as far as I can see...

Repair your marriage together

Separate

Agree to an open marriage

Whatever happens, no secrets.

Good luck

Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:17

You're right. I will. He must want to be with me. I hope he does. I feel like I annoy him and he's always going on about me losing weight which really pisses me off I'm only 7lbs more than I was when I met him.
So there's lots of background.
Lover boy is out the door from now on.

OP posts:
mindyourown15 · 12/08/2015 15:18

If you are unhappy in your marriage then leave. But starting up with a man who is a serial cheater is never the route to happiness, and you know that already. Be on your own. You don't need someone new to run to. You can just be single.

Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:20

Dh has hinted at the idea of an open marriage before. He knows I'm very open minded and I have thought about it actually. Seems like the lazy option though. I'm sure it would result in bitterness

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 12/08/2015 15:22

If my Dh and I split up I wouldn't want to be with the serial cheater.
I would never trust him and besides he's married and has his own things to fix too.

OP posts:
mindyourown15 · 12/08/2015 15:31

why stay with a husband who wants you to lose weight and makes you miserable? What a waste of your life. And to be flirting with a married man, well I guess your self esteem must be on the floor. Don't you think you deserve better than either of these men?

avocadotoast · 12/08/2015 15:33

If you have to ask, then yes.