DH trip abroad

[jugglingmonkey]

So DH goes away annually with a group of mates for a weekend, no problem. Last year it was 3 nights/4 days and I found it really hard going with an almost 1 yr old at home. I was grumpy when he got home, explained that I didn't want to be, but that I was ragged and exhausted. We discussed that in future years, while kids were young, he'd do 2 nights.

This yr has now been organised and DH wants to go for 3 nights/4 days again. At which point I'll be 34 weeks pg. Am I being unreasonable to put my foot down and say I'd really rather he did two? We have fought a lot in recent months about me being controlling (reality is he has alcohol abuse issues, another thread). He has currently given up drinking (3.5 weeks in), and I've no idea what would happen if he went on this trip- suspect it'd go out the window.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. He needs to come to his senses on his own but I don't think that will happen.

Do his mates have wives/kids? Am I reading into things but does he seem a reasonable bloke otherwise?

Yeah that would result in a stand off.

We've just had a chat. I basically said what pp has said, but to his face and in a gentler/more supportive way (I am trying to support him too). He immediately got on the phone, cancelled his trip, but is now sulking. Urgh!

Try not to rise. This is what he wants, to make it so unbearable for you that you cave in and agree he can go.

If pressed I would say "I think it's great that you're taking your sobriety so seriously, this is brilliant progress" (try to sound slightly convincing whilst doing it). And just ignore the sulking and bitching about how it's your fault.

Incidentally, if he had been to his GP (I am confident he hasn't) I would have expected his GP to say what mine did to me: give up for a year and then see where you are. The idea of giving up forever is too terrifying for most problem drinkers. Even a year felt very tough. My GP now appears to be quite surprised that I didn't go back to drinking when the year was up, I'm not entirely sure why - some of my blood test results were among the worst he'd ever seen. Was I meant to think 'ach well, bound to be better this time around'?? I used to have actual nightmares about drinking. Anyway, I digress.

Nothing you have said to him is unreasonable. You will be heavily pregnant with a small child and there is no actual reason for the full burden of childcare to fall to you. He certainly should not be contemplating this type of trip, even if you had no children to consider.

I suspect, however, that he's just working on a way to start drinking again and for it to be your fault. His not drinking at the moment seems far more about proving you wrong than him getting well. This is called the dry drunk, as they may have explained at Al Anon.

When are you going again? I think you will need their support in the light of this episode.

I think you need to have a frank conversation which sets out that this is unreasonable on an Amy objective measure.