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Original poster

DH trip abroad

54 replies

jugglingmonkey · 12/08/2015 13:07

So DH goes away annually with a group of mates for a weekend, no problem. Last year it was 3 nights/4 days and I found it really hard going with an almost 1 yr old at home. I was grumpy when he got home, explained that I didn't want to be, but that I was ragged and exhausted. We discussed that in future years, while kids were young, he'd do 2 nights.

This yr has now been organised and DH wants to go for 3 nights/4 days again. At which point I'll be 34 weeks pg. Am I being unreasonable to put my foot down and say I'd really rather he did two? We have fought a lot in recent months about me being controlling (reality is he has alcohol abuse issues, another thread). He has currently given up drinking (3.5 weeks in), and I've no idea what would happen if he went on this trip- suspect it'd go out the window.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 12/08/2015 14:32

When you decide to stop drinking, you have to accept that part of the consequences will be cutting some previous friends out of your life.

Addicts of any substance tend to flock together because they normalise each others' consumption.

When one of the group attempts to get sober, he or she can expct a huge amount of pressure from the others to pull them back into the crab bucket. "You've forgotten how to have fun mate! Wife got your balls in a jar? Oh, so now we're not good enough for you, eh?"

Have a look at item six in this article.

Have you asked your H how he plans to avoid alcohol on this weekend?

Leaving that aside, of course it is not unreasonable for you to insist he takes only the two days which he agreed previously. You are definitely not being controlling.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 12/08/2015 14:34

Yep I foresee a row about this one that's for sure. And he's trying to dodge it by emailing me rather than speaking to me face to face! I think he'll suggest that all his drinking problems are miraculously cured and that I'm BU to suggest otherwise and that he shouldn't go.

But yes, an adult conversation, in the context of what was agreed last year and the drinking. Then it's up to him.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 12/08/2015 14:58

Amsterdam? If that's correct OP then you know why OH is going. But IMO even if it was a religious retreat OH has no business going a) while you're pg or have a newborn and b) if he knows you're not comfortable with it.

Double standards never fail to dismay me. Do you, or would you want to do the same yourself? I imagine not, but in any event IIWY I would veto it without apology and tell OH to grow up. Spoilt child in a sweet shop comes to ming.

FredaMayor · 12/08/2015 14:59
  • mind Blush
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2015 15:11

"But yes, an adult conversation, in the context of what was agreed last year and the drinking. Then it's up to him".

Yet more "adult conversations" about his drinking; when are you going to think that talking to him about this is a wasted effort?. That ship has already sailed. Bargaining with him does not work and he is only paying lip service to you and his alcoholism. Bargaining is just another version of denial. But instead of denying the present problem, bargaining involves denying the severity of the problem and the need for a permanent solution. The most common type of bargaining in addiction recovery is exercising the belief that one will ultimately be able to control their use.

What he hears from you basically is white noise and accusations of you spoiling his fun. He will never admit to having any sort of drink problem let alone try to address it properly. Going without alcohol for 3.5 weeks (and that is quite a precise measurement, are you policing him) is frankly worth nothing.

His primary relationship is with drink; its not with your or your children.

You have a choice re him JM; your children do not.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 12/08/2015 15:46

Wow Attila this is one scary and very offensive post. You clearly know much more than I do about the OP and her problems and you are being extremely unfair in making comments such as the below from your position of greater knowledge.

OhNo; infact your words are very similar to what he has said about her and has indeed also accused her of being controlling.

Really? Angry

firesidechat · 12/08/2015 17:10

Ohno there is obviously far more to this than you or some other posters (including myself) know about. You used phrases such as "chained to your side", "he is having fun and your not", "stopping him having fun", "controlling". I don't think it's Atilla's post that was offensive. She has supplied you with more of a back story and you seem to disbelieve it.

What would the poor men do without their fun. Hmm

thatsn0tmyname · 12/08/2015 17:13

Hello. My partner goes away for an annual weekend with the lads (3nights, 4 days) and although it's tough as we have two small children I don't begrudge him as I see my friends every Thursday night. Just set up an agreement that you get time off too.

shovetheholly · 12/08/2015 17:17

I think you're so reasonable it hurts.

I think at 34 weeks pregnant, you would not be unreasonable to ask him instead to stay home and do all the housework and childcare for 4 days. In addition, I don't think it'd be unreasonable for him to arrange a babysitter, and take you out for a delicious meal somewhere lovely during that time. Grin

Flowers
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/08/2015 17:24

If he were not a functioning alchoholic, then I would not see the problem. It's only once a year, not once a month. MY DH went away on a four day weekend when I had a two year old and a three month old with my blessing.

Oly4 · 12/08/2015 17:30

I also think 3 nights/4 days is fine even when pregs, and would let my DH go.
But he's not an alcoholic!

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 12/08/2015 17:34

I think that's the main issue isn't it and I'm confusing the two a bit. I've never had a problem with him or exes going away/out etc. But DH's behaviour when drinking has made me 'controlling'...

OP posts:
tribpot · 12/08/2015 17:36

Wow - would you all also go away for a four day weekend and leave your DHs with the kids? I don't think a Thursday night every week is exactly the same thing.

Beyond the salient point that we're talking about an alcoholic is also the fact he agreed to reduce it to two nights.

Oly4 · 12/08/2015 18:50

I went to America for a week with a friend and left DH with the kids! Why not? I'm with them the other 51 weeks of the year. Seems ridiculous to me that people don't let each other go away with friends.
But yes OP, there are two issues here

tribpot · 12/08/2015 19:00

No problem with it if it actually is equitable, Oly4. I wouldn't but DH wouldn't either (if he could, which he can't as he's chronically ill).

Oly4 · 12/08/2015 19:49

Yes I think equitable is key. Hopefully OP has a break planned for herself at
Some point

HelsBels3000 · 12/08/2015 20:02

^^ Except I'd not sure that I would want to go away and leave my two children in the sole care of their alcoholic father.

LIZS · 12/08/2015 20:05

Exactly my thought helsbels. This relationship can never be evenhanded and have balanced opportunities. The doubt about dh and alcohol will always be in op's mind.

ARV1981 · 12/08/2015 20:31

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I'm currently 35 weeks pg with my first dc... if my husband went away on a lads weekend I would be very vocal about his leaving me. And I don't even have another dc to care for. And my dh drinks responsibly.

I think he's being very selfish to you, and your family.

I would start thinking about leaving him if I was faced with this situation (but I have a history of not leaving an alcoholic for nearly ten years (did eventually leave) and all I can think about that time is it was a waste of my life and I am very regretful of it - so if faced with another alcoholic I'd leave before wasting any more of my life). I know he's trying at the moment but I wouldn't expect him to stay on the wagon while on a lads weekend away - no way on earth he's planning that!

Add to this the fact that he agreed to only stay away for half the time he's now planning on going for... yes he's very selfish and no you are not being unreasonable. You are being completely reasonable and not just for yourself - you're thinking of him and his health as well as the future happiness of your family.

April2013 · 13/08/2015 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorelip · 13/08/2015 16:30

Why and how did your DH decide to get sober OP?

tribpot · 13/08/2015 16:37

Here's the OP's last thread. It looks as if she issued an ultimatum and he agreed to quit, mainly it would seem to 'prove' his drinking isn't at the root of the marriage problems.

Which neatly stitches you up if you complain about him going on this lads' trip when there's no evidence that he is going to drink of course, jugglingmonkey. Because he will suggest that means the marriage problems are to do with you being controlling, not his drinking.

I don't think he accepts he has a problem, do you?

tribpot · 13/08/2015 16:39

By the way, he's not in AA is he?

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 13/08/2015 16:57

Nope he's not. There have since been hints that it's a temporary state of sobriety/attempt to reset... Which isn't what I wanted and won't help us in the long run.

He accepts he has a problem, but in his head it isn't a big enough problem to warrant AA or any other form of counselling.

We still haven't had chance to speak about the trip. I'm dreading it on so many levels.

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 13/08/2015 19:08

What do you need to talk about about the trip? Why face to face? Surely everything that needs to be said can be said by email "Last year you promised to go for 2 days this time. I expect you to keep your promise. I am surprised and disappointed that you want to go on a drinking holiday at all when you are supposed to be proving to me that you can stay off the drink."

What else is there to say?