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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you negotiated with the CSA on behalf of your husband today/yesterday because of his arrears, read this.

54 replies

Bogeyface · 11/08/2015 01:16

You disgust me.

You were the person who actively encouraged him to stop contact with his DD because you were jealous of me, and enabled him in avoiding paying maintenance for her.

You then went on to have 3 daughters with him and plead poverty whenever his arrears caught up with you, ignoring the poverty you put DD and myself into each month that you didnt pay. Funny how "think of the children!" didnt include his oldest daughter isnt it?

Today I found out that he named you as his advocate, which is a massive slap in the face under the circumstances, and that the CSA have agreed to cancel the deduction from earnings order based on your bleating. Thank you.

DD gets 3 months with no payments and you get 10 months to pay it back. I hope you are proud of yourself and I have no doubt that you do better by your own three daughters.

I had clung to the hope that one day he would do to you what he did to me, but that is looking remoter by the day. So all I have now is the knowledge that you are married to a man who who is so morally bankrupt that he cheerfully abandoned, physically, emotionally ^and financially, his daughter and that you are happy to be with him. You really musnt think much of yourself if you are happy to settle for that.

He is the villain here, I know that. But given that I found out tonight that you dared to stalk my DD on the internet and accidentally sent a (quickly removed) friend request on FB, I now offically hate your fucking guts and hope that you suffer exactly what you put us through. How DARE you look her up? She has lived 15 of her 18 years without you or him poisoning her life, she has no interest in him and less in you. You are nothing to her, and she is nothing to you so stay the hell out of her fucking life. Her daddy and I love her, and she loves us. Her Daddy may not be her bio father, but he has been there for her every single day and even though we are no longer together, treats her and loves her as his own. So fuck off and tell that joke you married to fuck off too.

I am posting this well aware that many MNers will tell me to move on, keep my dignity etc, but I need to say this to you and I am 99% sure you are on here, I have spotted your posts and I am utterly sick of the shits you keep taking in my daughters life.

OP posts:
notasgreenasimcabbagelooking · 11/08/2015 04:31

I'm there with you bogey! ,no OW but exh who is wriggling out of paying for DS as he is soon to be 18! Yep ..he's old for his school year but he's still at school! And while it's not Eton, it's still a NI fee paying one! And guess who pays?! And DD might be going into third year at uni but she is still waiting for the financial support you promised your solicitor and mine that you were going to give her when she started ! Oh and she doesn't have to meet you if she doesn't want to! That's her choice! You still need to pay! And why would she want to meet the "dad" who shut her hand in a door? Or who pushed her down stairs? And you did! You know you did! You wanted to do those things to me.....but weren't "brave" enough! But.....she's moved on! Hasn't forgotten-any more than she's forgotten the cash she is owed!
Yep OP these people are poison! But we have the strength to dilute their poison. I'm thinking of you and your daughter. You sound like a great team! Flowers

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 11/08/2015 06:21

I know a couple who did this.....They're divorced now and I can smell the fear from the " woman " ( in air bunnies as no decent human let alone woman would be ok with that ) that what went around would come around. She shafted him to make sure it didn't but it's satisfying knowing that what goes around comes around is probably spinning round their heads at night. Too late for the grown kids who've lost out sadly.

Flangeshrub · 11/08/2015 06:36

Oh you poor thing, what an absolute bitch and a disgrace to womenkind.
I will never understand women who let these useless scrotum-lacking men avoid their obligations or actively encourage it.

I know I could not love a man who didn't love ALL his children more than me.

antimatter · 11/08/2015 06:38

Flowers for you and your daughter.

What a horrible situation both of you have been dragged into.

They both are like each other but she should stay out of your family life and she knows she crossed that line (she withdrew the invite!).

Hard to detach yourself from situation where our kids get hurt.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 11/08/2015 06:39

Agree with flange they are a disgrace. You can at least hold your head up in the knowledge you aren't a deluded bitch. Most of these women are as THEY have kids they expect the dead beat dad to take on....Hmm but of course nowhere in the checklist of LOOK HOW PERFECT MY LIFE IS does it have taking on HIS kids. You will never have to apologise or justify anything. They just can't.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/08/2015 10:09

No, you're completely right to take every penny you can. I worded it clumsily. He's a fool. One day he'll regret it, I firmly believe that.

HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 10:27

I hope you are both feeling better today.

ScrambledSmegs · 11/08/2015 10:37

I don't get how people can even justify this sort of stuff to themselves, let alone others Confused.

I'm so sorry you still have to deal with this crap, Bogey. What a pair of turds they are Flowers

Original poster
Bogeyface · 11/08/2015 10:37

Thank you :)

I am tired, being awake half the night ranting is not good for me! She got up, went to the loo, grabbed a can of coke and went back to bed so I think she is fine!

The boiling anger has abated somewhat, I still feel the injustice of it and I dont think that will go anytime soon, but I no longer feel the need to kill anyone!

When she was 12 I got a facebook message from him, banging on about how he regretted abandoning her, how he wanted to see her etc etc. It really threw me, I hadnt thought about blocking him, and seeing the message did send me into a bit of a spin. I showed her the message (after much soul searching I realised that it wasnt my place to tell him to get bent, and that if she wanted to see him I must facilitate that for her) and she said she had no interest in seeing him. I passed this information on but said that if she changed her mind then I would let him know. Within 2 weeks he had cancelled his latest direct debit and the CSA agreed that they would be placing him on yet another deduction of earnings order. I was ranting about this to her Daddy and she heard me, she commented on how he could hardly claim to want to be a father to her if he could do that. To this day I am sure he did it to punish me, that he thought it was me that made the decision to tell him to sod off. We have both been on high alert for the last few weeks and as she just turned 18, so he can (and I am sure, will) contact her independently of me...........

OP posts:
HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 10:48

I hear a lot of "they can choose for themselves at 18" from the camp of the odd bods.

Only a child with very low self esteem would go near them with a barge pole.

These people accuse the resident parent and don't look at why the child may decide for themselves to reject the non residential parent. They conveniently forget the times they didn't show up for contact, forget to bring out money to spend on a 9 year old, borrowed pocket money from the child and never gave it back. They forget Dad spending Christmas asleep the tight fisted inappropriate gifts, when Dad wakes prividing her with a princess tray of food and the children to fend for themselves. The near adult children see her family business selling her lifestlye to Mums online funded with their child support money. Children remember this and want nothing to do with people like that. They have a life and self esteem.

I guess they say the poison was too far ingrained, they claim the poison was from Mum, the reality is they are the poison.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 11/08/2015 10:56

Totally agree.

I am sure that in his head, I poisoned her against him when the fact is that she is not stupid, she has eyes, ears, a brain and was more than capable of seeing the person he is for herself. She doesnt want to know him because of what he did, but I doubt he will ever acknowledge that.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 11/08/2015 10:57

Well if he contacts her at least he'll know that she knows what he is and wants fuck all to do with him!

HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 11:04

My dc feel sorry for their Dad, they still want feck all to do with him.

Perhaps · 11/08/2015 11:14

I had one of the "wait till she is 18, she will come banging on my door" brigade, she is nearly 20 and I do hope he has been holding his breath!!. Didn't like paying either till the big burly bailiffs came a knocking. Still I live in hope that he and the bulldog chewing a wasp he is with get their karmauppence one day Wink

HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 11:36

You had a bulldog chewing wasp. I had the huge troll from The Spiderwick chronicles in a Minnie mouse princess costume.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/08/2015 16:57

Gosh, these OW's all sound the very same!Hmm

Original poster
Bogeyface · 11/08/2015 17:20

Mrs C, how did you get on today?! Been thinking about you

OP posts:
DragonWife · 11/08/2015 17:26

I don't get this behaviour at all. Who respects a man who dodges his financial obligation to his DC, let alone encourages it? I have a DSD and when DH and I got together I would have run a mile if he had been one of those, how totally offputting.

HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 17:29

Misogynistic women.

HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 17:32

www.itscheating.com/cheating/emotionally-retarded-men-and-spider-women-a-psychiatrist-identifies-seven-forms-of-cheaters/

Dragon, I guess you don't chase married Fathers either.

HowDdo2You · 11/08/2015 17:41

More on spider Women here. www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

WorzelsCornyBrows · 11/08/2015 18:15

I know someone who is seeing a guy with two young children (youngest is just a baby). She won't have their names mentioned in her presence and does everything in her power to obstruct contact. It's disgusting and part of me hopes that one day someone does it to her. Of course he is not innocent, he should be running from her and doing right by his kids, but the fact is she actively obstructs the relationship between her partner and his DC Angry

ElsieMc · 11/08/2015 18:58

This makes me fume. How on earth did they get the DEO cancelled without reference to you. If you have the energy, take this to the Complaints Resolution Team. Simply email what you have said here (perhaps not in these very words!) over to the relevant office because this saves you the stress of dealing with an unsympathetic case worker. You will have a worker allocated.

What have you got to lose. How is their hardship more pressing than your daughters?

The NRP in my grandson's case rang the CSA when he received the new schedule and said he should not have to pay it because "it was not fair". He had been paying less than £3 per day for his son, less than one of the pints he is so fond of.

When you have calmed down, then decide.

People like this really do get their comeuppance. It will take time, but believe in karma.

RebootYourEngine · 11/08/2015 19:27

I have one of these too.

My exh's new wife hates that he has a ds from his first marriage. So much so that not a lot of her friends and family know about my ds. She likes to play happy families with my exh & their kids & never mentions my ds unless it is on facebook while slagging me off because i have had the cheek to chase the csa for money. Oh what a bitch i am making him pay for a child that is half his.

I am like you Bogey, i dont need his money, i struggle along quite the thing, but why should he not pay for his ds. Im not the virgin mary. I didnt conceive ds by myself.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/08/2015 19:51

Bogey, have updated thread darling, it's fine x