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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does Relate work??

26 replies

sceptical · 09/05/2004 16:31

Do you need to have something there to build on? Apart from kids? Not sure if I can be bothered to try anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
sceptical · 09/05/2004 17:15

Anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
sceptical · 09/05/2004 17:48

I'll take that as a no then shall I?

Honestly I changed my name because my posts seem to get ignored but I'm still ignored under a different name. I'm stupid to be surprised though, why should my problems be of any interest to you?

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 09/05/2004 17:51

Sceptical! What on earth is wrong? MN is very quiet this afternoon, am sure no one is ignoring you

I have never been to relate nor do I know anyone who has used it, but whatever your relationship problems are, surely its better to go to counselling and give it a go? Better than looking back in a few years and wondering what if?

Lisa78 · 09/05/2004 17:52

And try not to worry about posts being ignored, I have often started a thread and got no replies, it happens to everyone

richerthanyou · 09/05/2004 17:55

Not ignoring either but mumsnet is very quiet at the moment and I've had no eperience of this so cant offer advice and probably anyone who's on now hasnt either. Try bumping at a busy time!

august24 · 09/05/2004 17:55

I don't have any experience with Relate, though I have been to two different couples therapist, One was awful and one was really great. The hardest part for me is that my husband is not as into it as me and that is hard sometimes. I find sometimes that he is lying to seem better and the I feel like I need to point that out and then it used to turn into a big fight. Our new therapist won't let us fight like that during our seeions. I think our newest one uses a lot of the same technics as relate, homework, and different ways of communicatting. I would give it a go, what do you have to loose?

Original poster
sceptical · 09/05/2004 18:14

Even if you don't really like them anymore?

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 09/05/2004 18:17

then it sounds like you have answered it for yourself sceptical. If you don't like your partner, then perhaps there isn't anything to build on?

august24 · 09/05/2004 18:19

Yeah, because it (and again I think this depends on if you have a good therapist or whatever they call them at relate) can give you insight into your spouse and it can also help you to seperate what is your irrational anger/hate/dislike and what is really true. Also they can help you to figure out what is managable(like for instance we do this thing called Daily Tempeture Reading, and one of the things is to give one "complaint with recomendation" and we went through it during a session and my husband's complaint was I hate that the house is such a mess, and she was like wait, you know that is a hot point in your relationship and that is a huge request start with something like I don't like that you leave your water glass next to the bed all day, could you move it.) It seems simple but it works, he tells me something small that bugs him, gives me a recomendation and then I try and do it.

Moomin · 09/05/2004 18:44

I went to relate with and without my ex when our marriage was in trouble. I made him go rwally because he wanted the marriage to end and I didn't. I thought if we went to relate he'd see the error of his ways and would realise that if he talked in front of a 3rd party he'd see how stupid he was being. Ho hum....
Well of course he couldn't 'see' that but the 2 or 3 times he did come gave the counsellor enough info for her to help me. He refused to come after that but I carried on and soon realised that she couldn't 'mend' my marriage but she could help me come to terms with the end of it and help me look to the future. Her help was invaluable to me in those horrible days and despite being very sceptical (like you maybe) to begin with, I was very impressed with the level of understanding she showed and her non-judgement of either of us. So I guess I'm saying, yes, it's well worth it and it doesn't have to mean you're mending a marriage; it can help you (both) to move on. I'd especially recommend this if there are kids involved (there weren't for me at the time but the whole process is so 'civilised' that I can only think it would help). Hope this is of some use.

Chocol8 · 09/05/2004 20:54

Sceptical - I went only once to Relate and wasn't impressed that they hadn't mentioned any fees when I called.

However, I did think the session was helpful but couldn't get h to go back and he wouldn't hear of me going on my own, besides which we couldn't really afford it.

The counsellors advice worked for a while and I am sure that had we continued going, we could've lasted a bit longer, but in my case, that was all it was...just a bit of glue to hold a failing relationship together.

Also, I have posted a few times and been ignored. As the others have said, it has been very quiet today. We are here, but don't always have the time to answer back straight away. In my case, I usually have a lurk, think it through and get back later when ds is in bed...like now.

Good luck and keep posting. x

unicorn · 09/05/2004 21:10

We got 'sacked'from Relate!
The counsellor thought she could do no more for us (after about 5 sessions)- and effectively told us there were others more needy (HUH!)
so nope it did not work for us.
I feel if you go to counselling services- you are asking for help- we were left high and dry- and believe me it had taken alot to get dh there in the first place.
Not surprisingly he has very little faith in talky talky things now.

SofiaAmes · 09/05/2004 21:42

Well I'm sorry so many of you seemed to have mixed results. My dh and I have been to see a relate counsellor on and off for some time now and it's been great. Everytime we have an issue that we can't seem to resolve on our own, we go for a visit. My dh goes on his own to the same woman for his own issues and i go occasionally for a bit of advice too. I highly recommend it. What have you got to lose. It's really not very expensive and they have a sliding scale if you can't afford the full rates.

Chocol8 · 09/05/2004 21:59

We were asked for a "donation" for our first visit of £25, which given that it was 8 years ago, is rather a lot!

I agree that it's a service worth trying though.

aloha · 09/05/2004 22:10

Sceptical - you do sound a tad paranoid. I know two couples who split up over big issues who are now very much back together after going to Relate. One couple have bought a new house together, the other is married with a baby. It worked for them. But I do think you have to want it to work.

Original poster
sceptical · 10/05/2004 11:05

Sorry I suppose I did come across as stroppy yesterday. I do feel stroppy though. I feel fed up, miserable, lonely and ignored.

Dp and I are barely speaking, we've got out of the habit and just seem to be sharing a house. Not sure if Relate will do anything to change that. Scared of feeling like this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy.

OP posts:
unicorn · 10/05/2004 11:07

when did you start feeling like this?
(since kids I bet?)

charlieplus3 · 10/05/2004 11:14

Is this a recent feeling for you or has your husband done something to make you feel like this.I dont like my Dp at moment but thats cos i feel resentful as he has a life and im stuck with the kids, i also know its my problem that i need to deal with and not his fault.

If you have a reason then you may be able to deal with it, but relate cant make you love your DH only help with problems or maybe help you to talk to each other, or have you done this?

Utka · 10/05/2004 13:40

My dad was a Relate counsellor for 20+ years, so I may be biassed (!), but I would give it a go, if only to give you a good start in your life apart. Even if there is nothing left to build on in your current relationship, the counsellor should be able to help you identify what went wrong, so that you don't repeat the experience. You will also feel as though you are doing something positive, and it sounds like you could do with a confidence boost. Also, you never know, it might rejuvenate things!

My understanding re the costs is that the charge is relative to what you can afford, but things may have changed.

HTH and good luck
I hope you

Original poster
sceptical · 10/05/2004 16:05

I just don't know what to think about our relationship anymore. I do know that if money wasn't a problem and I was in a position to go out on my own, with the kids, then I would. I do feel trapped at the moment, not by the children, but by him.

At our initial Relate session they asked how we deal with problems and I said they usually get ignored and gradually we just get back to normal. I just feel that after years of papering over the cracks too much damage has been done.

I dream of being with someone who will make me feel special and wanted etc etc but if you knew who I was you'd know that given my circumstances, that isn't very likely to happen.

I feel so jealous when I read some of the threads on here, some of you seem so happy. I think I made a mistake a long time ago and now I'm going to pay for it for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Chocol8 · 10/05/2004 16:47

Sceptical - it doesn't matter who you are or what has happened before - if you are unhappy, move on.

I agree that sometimes some MNetters sound so happy and I envy that too, but then you read threads and want to cry because no matter how badly off you seem at the time, there IS always someone worse off. You are feeling low and down and depressed and understandably so - of course you do. You have recognised that you have papered over the cracks for too long and that is a good step in the right direction to moving on with your life, regardless of what has gone on before.

I have to run now, but I hope what I said makes sense...? You can make a change for the better, and hopefully MN can help you. Thinking of you. x

geordiegirl · 10/05/2004 20:31

Hi sceptical, I have had counselling recently (for the first time in my life)after my dh had an affair.It wasn't relate- but a local counsellor. It is not always just to try and patch things up, you can use it to help yourself take control and clarify your thoughts and feelings. Even if it helps you decide to move on you have done something about the way you feel. I think there is a stigma attached to seeking emotional help, almost as if it's a weakness. however I'd say it's a strength when you are in a painful time in your life to seek professional help. Counselling doesn't tell you what to do or answer the problem it should get you to find in yourself what you want to do and give you the inner strength to do it. I found it a positive experience (although I did try 1 and not jell with her, but the 2nd has been great)

Original poster
sceptical · 10/05/2004 23:47

Thanks for your advice but it looks like its too late now. Big row tonight, I have had enough. Told him I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him and that Relate won't change that. He says I won't go because then I'd have to admit I've got a serious mental problem.

I'm going away for a few days with the kids tomorrow to stay with friends to try and get my head straight. He won't move out so I'll now be on the lookout for a rented property for me and the children. He tells me I'm selfish to uproot them but won't leave the house.

OP posts:
essbee · 11/05/2004 00:00

Message withdrawn

benzocat · 11/05/2004 10:22

sceptical, I am sorry to hear about your problems at the moment. I have skimmed the thread so forgive me if you have already answered this question but what age are your kids? I know you said you feel miserable, lonely and ignored. My dh and I had a happy marriage until ds and dd came along. I wouldn't say that I had pnd but looking back I may have. I just wanted to kill dh for about 2 and a half years. I felt trapped, ungrateful and miserable. Luckily my dh didn't leave (a miracle looking back) and although we had our fights we knew we had to get through it. I think that talking to someone can only help. Perhaps you could see your gp and be referred to one of their counsellors for free. I am not sure if all areas to this but my mil has just been to one to discuss a marriage problem and said that they were very helpful. From what I gather though they will not give a solution just help you to talk through the problems and decide yourself where you want to be. Sorry this is so jumbled but I hope it is of some help. A break for a few days may help to clear your head or it may make you more angry. I hope that you haven't moved out though. It sounds as though you need someone to listen and take care of you for a while.LOL.