Being deprived of sleep

[iamthesonandtheheir]

My P snores, really loudly. He will not go to the doctor about this and basically thinks that it is my problem. Also, more annoyingly, he asks me to go to bed with him at 10.30pm, which I have told him repeatedly is too early for me. And then I lie there listening to him snoring, getting more and more cross. If I wake him up to tell him to turn over, as he is snoring, he goes to sleep on the sofa, but then goes on about how tired he is all of the next day. If I try and go downstairs to sleep on the sofa then he immediately wakes up and says that he will go, but he starts muttering under his breath that he never gets any sleep etc.

So last night, when he said that he was going to bed at 10.30pm I said that I was staying up for a bit. I could hear him snoring from downstairs so at 11.30 I went and got in my son's bed (who is away at the moment). I had fallen asleep and was woken up by a really loud bang. My P then put the landing light on and then I heard him go downstairs and he was banging around. He then came back upstairs, opened my son's bedroom door and asked me why I hadn't come to bed with him. I told him that he was snoring (again) and that I wanted some sleep. It was half past one by this time.

Then he got up a 6am and started banging around again, the TV was on and he turned it right up. When he left he banged the door.

I am getting really, really fed up with having little or no sleep when I have to get up for work the next day. He's quite happy for me to lie there listening to him snoring but he will not volunteer to go downstairs, even when he wakes himself up.

He is loud anyway, during the day. If he sneezes he has to exaggerate it, he bangs doors, shouts to the cat to get her attention (particularly when I am watching something on the TV), shouts during normal conversation. He knows that I am not a morning person and he insists on endless chatter before he goes to work. I can't explain it but it feels deliberate, as if he is doing it on purpose.

For background we rent together and we have six months left before the tenancy is up. I am seriously contemplating leaving because I can't manage on so little sleep. This happens more or less every night.

*than

No, luckily he is away at his grandparents at the moment. Normally if he (P)starts snoring I go on the sofa (or he does after moaning about it).

Two words: Premier Inn. Find your nearest one, book a two night stay (even if you have to book for some time in a few weeks to get a good rate). Once you have had more sleep I think you will feel more resolve to just end this. It seems like he doesn't want you to be able to focus on anything that isn't him. I find the demanding what time you go to bed thing to be utterly rude, not to mention going to sleep with his legs on you, so that first you have to slide away and then creep around so as not to wake him up? Jesus. Every evening??

As to talking a lot first thing in the morning, is there literally anyone who wants to do that, really? What I find more interesting is the fact you obviously don't feel you can say 'could you please stop, I just want to drink my tea in peace'.

He sounds incredibly passive aggressive and I'd imagine most of what he does is an attempt to wind you up in the hope you'll leave.

If you were to leave, could he afford to pay rent or would he also have to move? It is possible to break a lease before the end of contract - most landlords are happy to do this as long as you pay the cost of advertising the place and pay rent up to the date of the new tenant moving in.

However from what you've said I get the impression he'll do anything to make your life more difficult, so I wouldn't bank on him cooperating.

This sounds like a bloody nightmare. Sorry OP , but this man would drive me bananas. Even the exaggerated sneezing would be enough to wreck my head.

It does sound as though he wants something, some attention or minding, that you're not in a position to give him. Why the hell does he force you to go to bed at 10.30pm?

Start looking for a place for you and your son. He's playing rather nasty games with you.

He's punishing you for not going up to bed when he does, and for "rejecting" him by sleeping in your son's room.

Fuck that.

Does he have form for that kind of behaviour? Does he "punish" you for pissing him off in other ways?

Yes it's every evening, usually starting at around 8.30. He can fall asleep in about two seconds but if I move even slightly, he's awake. So I feel like I have to sit there being squashed. It's horrible. I'm worried that if I go to a Premier Inn (or similar) then he will end the relationship and move out. That is the type of person that he is. I cannot afford the rent on my own. He could afford the rent on his own, but if I moved out I think that he would just stop paying the rent, which would impact on me because the rent is payable jointly and severally.

Luckily for me we have made three rent payments since we moved in on the 20th June. I paid the first month's rent in advance and then he paid the rent again on the 1st July and then on the 1st August. Which means that we are now paying in advance. He pays the rent and I pay for the bills and food and any other stuff that we need. So that leaves three months rent to pay. I have managed to save enough money to rent somewhere else when this tenancy is up so I will be able to leave at the start of November.

So it's manageable.

And yes, if I say or do something that he doesn't like then he ignores me. He will give me one word answers to questions but he won't start a conversation. At least it was only a six month tenancy agreement (which I have now checked), so there is only three rent payments to make until I can go and not six as I first thought.

He sounds well worth getting rid of. If you had a dog that was noisy, selfish, demanding and dominated the whole household you would be looking to rehome - likewise with this charming man.

Well done for making a start with your finances - good luck with finding another house to rent.

You think he'd finish with you for going to the Premier Inn for a decent night's kip?

You have to sit there unmoving, something no rational person does for anything other than a small child (and then you plan ahead with books, biscuits and whatnot at hand)?

Has his behaviour got worse since you moved in together? It seems clear you are unable to act because you fear he will just walk away from your rent commitment.

He can fall asleep in about two seconds but if I move even slightly, he's awake.

That's actually a common indicator for sleep apnoea. The "microsleep", it's called.

From now on, start moving and making as much noise as you like. And when he says it's bedtime, tell him to go fuck himself.

The more I hear about this bloke, the more cunty he sounds.

When we lived in separate houses I didn't really notice any snoring, or if there was a bit of snoring then it was bearable because we only slept in the same bed twice a week. All of the problems started when we moved in together and it seems to be getting worse.

And yes I do think that he would get the arse if I went to a hotel. I am worried about him walking away from the house because I cannot afford it on my own. He has a DD so we have a three bed house for when she comes to stay. I used to get partial housing benefit (I am on quite a low wage) when I rented on my own but that was for a two bed house for me and my DS. This house that we are in now is £200.00 more than my old house and I don't imagine that the council would let me stay here as it is more bedrooms than I need.

After you've given us more information I would definitely at least start the process of ending it. I just can't imagine being in a relationship where I couldn't go 'sorry, I'm just in my own world and not up for a chat' or 'can you stop banging the doors please in the morning' and not have him say sorry and not do it again. Obviously this goes both ways as a relationship involves two people!

Glad that you're sorting your finances out. Maybe bide your time (whilst slamming doors whenever you fancy and he happens to be asleep...) and then tell him when you're ready to move?

Good luck with it all! ????

This is not something I have experienced myself. However I have been on the Freedom Programme and come across other people who have. In their case it was deliberate. And it sounds like it is in yours too. It helps keep you on your toes and in a state of confusion.

Sleep deprivation is literally used as a form of torture. And how does one adult think he has the right to tell another adult when to go to bed. Especially when he knows you are not going to be able to sleep. Controlling and unkind.

How is the rest of your relationship? I have a feeling I may be able to guess.

The relationship is good as long as I don't say anything to annoy him. It's sad but that's the truth of it.

So it is not good. He is controlling and you are walking on eggshells waiting for crumbs of decency and him not to react badly to whatever thing in his head he's decided is your fault today??

Get out of their ASAP. The longer you stay with a headfucker, the longer it will take you to recover. Get out and sort the details and practicalities later. If you have money saved for moving, can you not figure something out. Your health and mental wellbeing is not worth staying with someone who doesn't respect or love you. Can you have a word with the landlord about you splitting up and leaving and see if you can get out of the contract earlier?

I quite agree with pocketsaviour - when he says it's bedtime, tell him to go fuck himself.

I think he's stepping the behaviour up precisely because you can't afford the place on your own. What a shame you gave up the place you had and the HB that went with it - will you definitely qualify again when you move back out?

To be honest, the fact that you can't express yourself in your own home for fear of being stuck with the rent is reason enough to move out.

He sounds an absolute cock and the snoring is the least of it.
Please bin this joy-sucking excuse for a man.

Poor you. This is the saddest story I've read in here in ages!

second post on this today…

everything you say about him, well I'd be saving as Glitteryarse says pronto. save yourself for a considerate man who doesn't bang on and on about cooking and then refuse your lovely home cooked efforts!

Op, as far as I know, the benefits people would calculate your housing allownace based on the number of bedrooms you would need and then pay you a set amount ( or % of it depending on your wages earned). Then you can choose to stay rent a house with more bedrooms, or that is more than the rent allowance you are entitled too and top up the difference yourself. But £200 more expensive than your previous house could bee very hard to make up. This link will tell you what you may be entitled too so you can start making plans
lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/search.aspx

Iamtheson - but a huge part of ANY relationship IS annoying eachother and learning how to deal with it and move on together. That's the point!

If you can't ever say anything that maybe might annoy him ever then god help you.

Hope you're O.K xx

I don't know if I would qualify for any help with the rent if I got somewhere else but I will be asking the council for their advice about that. My wages haven't changed since I left my last house, so it may be that I would get a similar level of HB on another house when the time comes. I'm definitely not going to carry on going to bed just because he wants to go. I'm sick of lying there listening to him snoring and I'm wide awake. If I move so much as a muscle to get out of bed to go back downstairs then he's awake, asking where I'm going. It's driving me around the bend. I just want to go to bed when I want, go to sleep without the constant racket of him snoring and get up and have a bit of peace and quiet. My DS is the same as me, he doesn't like to talk at all until we get in the car to go to school and work.

I will be leaving him, it's just a case of when I do it. I don't want to move out now, only to find that he stops paying the rent and then they come after me for it, particularly if I'm then renting somewhere else. If I thought that he would do the decent thing and continue to pay (he can afford it on his own, he earns twice what I earn) then there wouldn't be a problem.

Thank you all for your kind posts. I have felt so tired recently that it's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.