Husband broke the kitchen bin

[MsPhoebeCaulfield]

Which sounds ridiculous but he did it in anger, he smashed it. Then he shouted at me for buying shit bin bags which split and spilt the contents of the bin on the floor. I know this isn't a normal reaction. I've told him I want him to leave. He says he won't. I have a nine month old baby in bed. He won't do anything else, he'll just sulk in another room, but this isn't the first time he's done this (although it is the first time in a long time) and I don't want to bring my child up thinking this is normal. I'll sleep in the baby's room tonight but don't know how to approach the fact that he needs to leave tomorrow or I will.

I'd really like it if someone could just tell me I'll get through this.

Do you think he would go to counselling or is that just out of the question.

You don't need to broach it with him. Do you have a place to go? If so, you just leave. Maybe phone Women's Aid.

Tell us more

Do you feel safe?

You'll get through it but you need to ensure your own and the baby's safety first. Do you have somewhere you can go and you can phone Women's Aid from there?

I grew up with a dad like this... It was horrible. Speak to women's aid. They will be able to give you good practical advice. I'd be inclined tomorrow to just calmly tell him that you won't both be staying in the house, if he doesn't leave you will and just see what he says. If my dad was anything to go by he'll variously cry, say it'll never happen again, tell you you're overreacting, tell you you're not like his friends wives, cry some more, promised he's learned his lesson and then do it all again a couple of weeks later. If he really kicks off call the police! You don't want that to be your life or your child's... Trust me!

Thank you all so much for replying. I'm safe, he'd never do anything to me, I've just had enough of his temper flaring up.

He would never hurt the baby either, which I know is such a trite and naive thing to say. I'm mortified I'm in this situation.

Vulcan - I hadn't thought of counselling. I'd sort of assumed the problem was his to solve rather than mine if that makes sense?

what about gathering up the stuff that you need? Like passports, birth certs, bank info, all that kind of stuff. And a bag in case he won't go so at least you and ds have the essentials?

Might keep you busy?

...I'm safe, he'd never do anything to me...

...He would never hurt the baby either...om

Don't take a chance with either of you. There are plenty of women out there who probably thought the same and are now regretting it.

My dad never hit my mum either but our lives were hell. Constantly walking on eggshells and dealing with that sort of behaviour (smashing things, shouting, completely irrationally blaming everyone else for everything that goes wrong ever) takes a toll on you. It wears you down and has left me and my siblings with various anxiety-related issues.
I think you're awesome for drawing a line over it! I wish my mum had done the same.

I have no idea what that 'om' is. I blame the cat.

I think he needs to acknowledge that his anger is an issue that requires his attention and (if you are prepared to give it), your support.

That reaction you described isn't normal and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet as such. I don't see why it should have to descend to actual physical violence (to you) for it to be unacceptable..... it is already unacceptable and you shouldn't have to live with it. Or your child.

You WILL get through it, honey, and you'll find all the support you need here.

As advised, make contact with your local Women's Aid offices and make it clear to your h that if he doesn't leave, you will.

If he's prepared to attend counselling/anger management classes would you be willing to put him to the test afterwards with a view to continuing your marriage, or have you had enough of his temper tantrums which will escalate if he doesn't take steps to remedy his violent behaviour and may cause intentional or accidental harm to you/your dc?

www.womensaid.org.uk

Julia - yes, I'll do that. Doing some tidying to keep busy too. Can't pack DD's things because they're in her room but there's nothing that can't be bought later on if needs be.

Fuzzy - thank you, I know you're completely right. A lot of H's issues could be linked to his parents and I don't want to screw up DD's in the same way.

It just makes me feel like a fool - I'm part of a teaching team that talks to young women about how to avoid these situations and here I am.

I don't think it's your responsibility to suggest counselling etc. I'd tell him to leave and if he gets his act together, seeks counselling and behaves reasonably that will tell you he's a better man than his current behaviour suggests. If he goes to counselling because you've given him that ultimatum then I'm not sure it'll work.

I do love him (I'm a sap, clearly) and I don't want him to leave but I care about DD more. If he seeks counselling/anger management then I'd give it another chance but I'm not bringing a child up in an unhappy home.

Of course, it's easier saying that here than it is to him.

Goodness - you're not a fool. You've seen what's happening (which is what many youngsters don't) but just don't know how to get out of it when it's actually happening. Try Women's Aid - we all need some help in real life from time to time.

OP, I had this too when I was growing up. My father didn't hurt me when I was nine months old, and I believe he hit my mother "only" twice, but I was hit from 4 years old onwards and had all the stuff Fuzzy describes going on... It only gets worse, believe me. I hope knowing you are doing the right thing will help you get through.

Ms, yes the anger is his fault but if he is willing to try that, you'll know he's willing to try and change.

Don't consider joint counselling with this abusive man because he will use it against you and it won't improve the situation. Either he acknowledges his fault and seeks help or you split up. Nothing else will help your DD grow up in a strife free home.

Princess- yep we were hit too as children

You aren't a fool. I've never been in this situation but I think of you have the opportunity you should leave.

Even if it's for a while, even if you have counselling and resolve it.

Of you leave it sends a clear 'this is not acceptable' message to him.

Look after yourself

Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells with him? Can you not bring up certain subjects with him either?

Vulcan - sometimes. He doesn't like where we live. We moved away from his family to be nearer to mine six years ago and he misses 'home'. When anything goes wrong it's because we're here - the bin bags were Lancashire shit rather than just shit.

It was a joint decision to move here at the time, led by him and I categorically would not move back to his home town for myriad and valid reasons. He knows this and is unhappy with it.

I've tried to encourage him visiting home more but his family are pretty shoddy at visiting us (they've been up twice in six years, once two weeks after DD was born) whereas my mum looks after DD twice a week each week so he can work (he's the SAHP and has a small business).

He's recently been really critical of my family which he knows upsets me but he keeps going with. Stupid little picky things that I sometimes agree with and sometimes don't but there's always something. The latest is that he wants a family Xmas - us three without the rest of our families. My sister is away for a year and travelling back for Xmas. It will only be the second time she's seen DD and asked that we spend the day at our mum's. H is unhappy with this and I've had to say no. I want to spend the day together as a family and I hate the travelling but this seemed like an exception to the rule. Not so.

The more I think about it, the more it becomes bigger than a broken bin and bad temper.