Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband broke the kitchen bin

44 replies

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 20:47

Which sounds ridiculous but he did it in anger, he smashed it. Then he shouted at me for buying shit bin bags which split and spilt the contents of the bin on the floor. I know this isn't a normal reaction. I've told him I want him to leave. He says he won't. I have a nine month old baby in bed. He won't do anything else, he'll just sulk in another room, but this isn't the first time he's done this (although it is the first time in a long time) and I don't want to bring my child up thinking this is normal. I'll sleep in the baby's room tonight but don't know how to approach the fact that he needs to leave tomorrow or I will.

I'd really like it if someone could just tell me I'll get through this.

OP posts:

Report

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 10/08/2015 08:03

Thank you everyone, I'm going to make an appointment to speak to a solicitor this week although hopefully it won't come to that. I'm terrified of the prospect that he might get the baby full time. She's still BF and I don't think H would cope with her 24hrs a day every day.

OP posts:

Baffledmumtoday · 10/08/2015 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VulcanWoman · 10/08/2015 06:46

Good luck to you Ms.

IFancyRichard · 10/08/2015 04:53

I think living like this is horrible but I'm also envisaging the possible fall out in your situation.

You say he's the SAHP so a court might view that as status quo and should continue ...whilst you leave the family house and pay him maintenance.

I'm not for one minute suggesting you stay and endure this, nor am I suggesting you prevent him seeing the children and take them off him or fabricate anything but I don't think a court would view breaking a bin as a reason to stop him seeing them. Which would leave you in a worse scenario and the children defenceless.

Before anything happens is it worth seeking 30minutes free advice with a solicitor experienced in dealing with domestic violence?

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and agree about children growing up with angry outbursts suffering, so this needs changing in some way.

Fallandfly · 10/08/2015 04:42

I'm so glad you have realised things are not right. I couldn't admit to myself what was going on. It got worse, a lot worse.
The only person who can help him is him. If he genuinely wants to work on his anger he can but it should come from him. Don't fall for the I'll get help line. Mine did that twice over the space of a few years. Went once, maybe twice and considered himself fixed as he bought a book. He wasn't. He was fine for a while but then got worse. I regret not leaving sooner.

FuzzyWizard · 09/08/2015 23:23

See

FuzzyWizard · 09/08/2015 23:23

OP- I think that's the best thing to do. Good Luck! Hopefully he will we sense and leave. It makes me sad to see that other people had childhoods just like mine... I am really glad that your DC won't!

nannyj · 09/08/2015 22:50

My father was like this and my mum didn't leave. I don't thank her for that as the repercussions are ongoing for me. Please leave he will never change. Your child deserves to live in a stress free environment. I hope everything goes well for you.

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 22:44

Vulcan - an hour and 15 but yes, close enough that you could go for the day. I think it's a complete red herring tbh. It's just another stick to beat me with and allow him to feel sorry for himself.

Cozie - so, I want you to leave, if you won't, we will. And I pack first.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 22:38

Get yourself and the baby safe in some way - that's your first priority. Everything else going on in your mind can come out when you've done that.

VulcanWoman · 09/08/2015 22:37

So 15 minutes is nothing is it, you're all really close by to each other.

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 22:36

I know, you're right. I'm trying to play the conversation I need to have tomorrow in my mind and I can't square it. I don't want to do it in front of DD but I can't see another way.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 22:30

Keep your focus, Ms. He smashed up a kitchen bin, you asked him to leave and he said he wouldn't.

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 22:28

I don't know what he misses. He says his friends and family. I'm the one that does all the keeping in touch though, I initiate it all.

OP posts:

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 22:26

In the past we've done Christmas Day at one and Boxing Day at the other.

OP posts:

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 22:25

We're about 15 minutes nearer my parents than his but his parents never visit, nor does his older brother. The two times they've been down they've stayed four hours tops. H used to say it was because I wasn't welcoming but he doesn't any more, presumably because he knows he's flogging a dead horse there.

We go up maybe once every six weeks and usually stay overnight. I always suggest going - he doesn't.

He's been on antidepressants in the past but isn't them any more - he stopped taking them.

What a mess.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 22:21

You're right - it is bigger than a broken bin and I'm glad that you're seeing that more clearly.

VulcanWoman · 09/08/2015 22:10

The thing is if you both come from different locations compromises have to be made and he sounds like he's having a strop and a tantrum about it. You and your child should be his priority. Are you many miles from each others home towns, would it be possible to do both on Christmas day or one Christmas day and the other Boxing day, or swap next year maybe. He does sound resentful all round really. Do you all visit his family much, what does he miss about that place?

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 21:51

That was long, sorry.

OP posts:

MsPhoebeCaulfield · 09/08/2015 21:51

Vulcan - sometimes. He doesn't like where we live. We moved away from his family to be nearer to mine six years ago and he misses 'home'. When anything goes wrong it's because we're here - the bin bags were Lancashire shit rather than just shit.

It was a joint decision to move here at the time, led by him and I categorically would not move back to his home town for myriad and valid reasons. He knows this and is unhappy with it.

I've tried to encourage him visiting home more but his family are pretty shoddy at visiting us (they've been up twice in six years, once two weeks after DD was born) whereas my mum looks after DD twice a week each week so he can work (he's the SAHP and has a small business).

He's recently been really critical of my family which he knows upsets me but he keeps going with. Stupid little picky things that I sometimes agree with and sometimes don't but there's always something. The latest is that he wants a family Xmas - us three without the rest of our families. My sister is away for a year and travelling back for Xmas. It will only be the second time she's seen DD and asked that we spend the day at our mum's. H is unhappy with this and I've had to say no. I want to spend the day together as a family and I hate the travelling but this seemed like an exception to the rule. Not so.

The more I think about it, the more it becomes bigger than a broken bin and bad temper.

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 09/08/2015 21:39

Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells with him? Can you not bring up certain subjects with him either?

PenelopePitstops · 09/08/2015 21:38

You aren't a fool. I've never been in this situation but I think of you have the opportunity you should leave.

Even if it's for a while, even if you have counselling and resolve it.

Of you leave it sends a clear 'this is not acceptable' message to him.

Look after yourself

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

FuzzyWizard · 09/08/2015 21:36

Princess- yep we were hit too as children

TopOfTheCliff · 09/08/2015 21:34

Don't consider joint counselling with this abusive man because he will use it against you and it won't improve the situation. Either he acknowledges his fault and seeks help or you split up. Nothing else will help your DD grow up in a strife free home.

VulcanWoman · 09/08/2015 21:33

Ms, yes the anger is his fault but if he is willing to try that, you'll know he's willing to try and change.

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.