Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

domestic violence an social work involvement

88 replies

mumtoaprince · 09/08/2015 18:12

hi im posting this for a friend she was recently attacked by her partner resulting in a concussion this happened after a night out so both were drunk and this was the first time its happened and he was arrested, social services came out to see her they checked her fridge, cupboard and kids bedrooms she spoke to her 3year old daughter and asked her to show her tooth brush and asked her if she was scared (kids were not in house when the incident happened) she also said that her youngest should not have a pillow in his cot even tho he's almost 2, she has also stated that her partner is not allowed in the house when kids r there and he has to be supervised by his mum when he wants to c them........... personally i think this social worker is taking things to far as she was the victim and she now feels like there making her out to be a bad parent....has anyone else had a similar situation????

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/08/2015 18:55

Technically SW was correct...

"While there is some debate about when to start using pillows with toddlers, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development recommends avoiding pillows until children are at least 2 years old."

MyOneandYoni · 09/08/2015 18:56

Hope your friend is recovering well. Hope the kids are doing OK... Yes, it's disconcnertin when other people judge (or assess) our parenting, but if violence rears its ugly head, it's much better that SS check thoroughly rather than dismiss the incident as a one-off and do their best by those kids...

Kewcumber · 09/08/2015 18:58

If his first ever attempt at domestic violence resulted in a concussion, what on earth would he be capable of if he wasn't stopped?!

Am I alone in thinking it's rare for DV to start with concussion?

AnyFucker · 09/08/2015 19:00

you are posting for a friend, you say ?

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 19:01

I wish the police had done their job properly and informed ss about dv on me and the children when they should have.

PenguinSalute · 09/08/2015 19:02

Yes Kew exactly what I was thinking. OP if this was a newly allocated case for me, I have to say I'd be going in wondering what the hell could have gone on before it came to our attention, because that's a pretty extreme first incident.

Children being exposed to domestic abuse is considered to be significant harm. I'd be wondering what they may have seen in the build up. SWs are people though, at the end of the day they just want to know the children are being protected appropriately. From what you said, that is the case, so your friend should just be open with them. They could be helpful in referring her to appropriate support services.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 09/08/2015 19:09

Is your friend getting any support herself? If not, she should get in touch with Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

Or Victim Support www.victimsupport.org.uk/

But she shouldn't worry about SS. They have a procedure they need to follow, it isn't personal and they aren't casting blame anywhere.

Original poster
mumtoaprince · 09/08/2015 19:16

thank you to those who actually gave advise and to those who didnt well i would hate to be ur friend and needing support

OP posts:
afreshstartplease · 09/08/2015 19:20

Your friend needs telling that ss are just doing their job

Taking precautions to make through her dc are safe

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2015 19:22

I think she should kiss that SW and bless her name!

The SW was following standard procedure. They do/ask the same things of everyone they are called in on, not just her.

She was able to show the SW that all was in order in the home, yes? Then don't worry.

I think the real reason she's upset is because her abuser was banned from the home and she's just not ready to let go of him yet. In that case, the SW was even more correct!!!

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 19:24

As see it everyone who has responded on this thread has provided sound counsel and I would be proud to have any one of them as my friend in times of need.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/08/2015 19:26

OP, SS aren't blaming your friend. They have been notified of DV in a household with children. This is a child protection issue.

They went in, did their job and left. It seems as though you (and your friend?) are viewing their involvement as a punishment for her. It's really not.

cashewnutty · 09/08/2015 19:27

Hi Op. I am a SW. I would have checked these things too. It sounds like a serious assault and i would be worried that this was just the tip of the iceberg and that there had maybe been routine abuse going on for a long time. SW will always want to speak to the children as their demeanour tells us a lot about what os going on at home. It sounds like a routine type visit. Your friend is not being treated like an abuser but as a woman who may be being physically and emotionally abused by her OH. At the end of the day the SW has a responsibility to consider the welfare of the child. If the family had no DC then SW wouldn't be visiting. I understand it isn't nice but we have a duty to safeguard children.

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 19:32

Op because the police didnt do their job properly my children and I were badly abused by not just my ex. Later when ss did come into the mix whilst not perfect like other agencies not all papers were factually correct they did stand up for my dc so it wasn't just me.

Zillie77 · 09/08/2015 19:46

One time I was sitting in my van on my street and a couple of the neighborhood kids came up to chat. Another neighbor spotted this, and high-tailed it down the road to see who I was. She thought I might be a child predator, I guess.

After a microsecond of annoyance (I had lived there for ten years and she was new to the area) I thanked her vigorously, when I realized how terrific it was that she was watching out for the kids in the area.

I know it must feel mildly humiliating to your friend, but thank goodness we have a system in place to watch out for children.

starlight2007 · 09/08/2015 19:46

unfortunately things turned nasty very nasty so violent she had concussion..This happened in public so yes I do think like kew how would he behave behind closed doors.

I did live in a DV relationship and it never started with been punched in public.

What does your friend want to do because I would not want this man near me or my children ever again..

Can I also add when my Ex strangled me. I wanted my Ex's permission to press charges... I was so controlled I was not capable of free thought. It was only 4 months later when I left to go to a refuge after a few weeks I realised the level of Domestic abuse

LIZS · 09/08/2015 20:04

I don't understand your response. I haven't seen any unhelpful comments. As a friend what do you feel you need to do? She may not be ready yet to admit if there might be deeper issues. Try to keep her calm and manage her expectations that ss will continue to be involved, short term at least, to protect the children. Don't fuel any suggestion that they are interfering or blaming her. If she doesn't cooperate they may become suspicious that her p is still in contact.

Original poster
mumtoaprince · 09/08/2015 20:22

the reason i asked this is because i was in the same situation and on 2 separate incidents i phoned the police which lead to a social worker being informed and on both occasions they never looked about my house or even spoke to my kids they basically came in asked a few questions and left then phoned me to tell me case was closed, this was from 2 different social workers....so thats y i wanted to see if anyone else had a similar situation so please keep ur negative comments to youself

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2015 20:25

< sigh >

HowDdo2You · 09/08/2015 20:25

My fridge was inspected, as we're the dc bedrooms. I don't recall toothbrushes being inspected.

Original poster
mumtoaprince · 09/08/2015 20:29

anyfucker very mature

OP posts:
ArseForElbow · 09/08/2015 20:31

Nothing of mine was inspected tbh. I'd just moved house, had no carpets or lampshades, they came back a week later with some Xmas presents for my DC. It was nice of them imo

MrsHathaway · 09/08/2015 20:31

AnyFucker has a long and respected history of helping abused women to see the light. If she's sighing, it's because she's heard it before and feels sorry for you both.

Original poster
mumtoaprince · 09/08/2015 20:34

well it came across as sarcasm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2015 20:40

not sarcasm, frustration

some people cannot be helped, and you come across as one of them on this thread

you have had good advice here, and you see it as people getting at you

like you see SS as getting at you

get rid of the abusive men in your life, and perhaps things will become clearer ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread