Would you tell them all the truth? Or is vengeance a hollow win?

[tellnobody]

At the time of my split with DH a couple of years ago, I was manipulated into taking the fall for the whole thing.

We had an unusually happy marriage and the divorce was a bombshell. I was taken by suprise and was in such severe shock for a while that I was not eating and actually needed medication to sleep etc.

Anyone who has read the midlife crisis script on here: it was that exactly.

Dropped out of nowhere by a particularly loving and devoted DH. Blamed, told it was my fault, history re-written, devalued...thrown out with the trash.

I had no time to realise that my beloved DH had done all the hard work behind my back of telling mutual friends, my BELOVED inlaws and the rest of his family and his children (who I raised) that the divorce was my fault that he was the victim and he gave complex and completely fictional reasons.

While I was holed up for several months on my sister's sofa having thrice weekly therapy and trying to figure out why my absolutely lovely DH had turned into satans spawn he was busy calling friends and his family in tears, telling them all the stuff I had done to drive him to leave me and they actually felt sorry for him.

All of it was absolute total and utter bull shit, but nevertheless, they only heard the lies because I was too devastated to speak up and to be honest - could not fully believe he was not on my side.

It has taken me two years to get REALLY angry. Up until now, I think the shock, trauma just prevented me from connecting that that side of it. I just laid down and died. Let him destroy me and did nothing.

I was wondering if anyone felt that there was any point in standing up for myself now?

Is there any point?

I could easily send evidence of the real truth of why he left and did what he did (the sex with prostitutes, i have screen shots of his emails to them and his letters to me where he admits to lying to everyone because he is a coward) and I was wondering whether fighting back would make me feel better or worse?

I'm not one for vengeance, but I am just so angry. His parents in particular really, really hurt me. I adored DH and riased their grandkids as my own and I was cast out by all of them because he fancied fucking someone else - yet he told them lies to make them think it was me.

Would you do something? Or would I just hate myself worse? Leave it to karma? Showing anyone the evidence I had would destroy him completely.

An 'accidental' email to his family with links to his online shennigans, followed up with an "oops, sorry pls disregard previous email, was meant for someone else" should do it

OP I am going through this right now. My H had been spending hours and hours online being secretive. Turns out he has been telling his group of friends that I am some horrible monster and he is an unloved sex starved victim; that I have him trapped in a prison and he can't leave. I mean just ridiculous lies to gain attention.

We've argued about it in the 3 months since I found out and I thought that we were beyond it and he had stopped lying to me when I found out he lied about his birthday telling people he spent it all alone.

These last pack of lies were the last straw and I copied and screen shot all this stuff to my cloud drive and confronted him. Of course he lied and lied some more and the next day it all had been deleted.

So this morning I decided to tell 2 of the group, the ones he talks to the most, the truth. I sat down and wrote a 2 page letter telling my side standing up for myself. It was hard not to be nasty in the letter but I remained dignified.

I opened up the chat and added those 2 people and my DH so he can see exactly what I said in case he tries to deny it.

I clicked send. I feel 100% better. The one woman responded and was kind about it. When I sent it, I had to not have any expectations of what they would say or anything. I can't control what other people think. They now know there is another side and the seeds of doubt have been planted.

I had my say and stood up for myself after these months of just trying to let it go and letting him steamroll over me.

So if you are going to do it, know the reasons for doing it and don't have any expectations.

Ah OP. What he has done is awful.

People believe what they want to believe. You exposing him won't change anything I don't think.

However I do think part of the healing process after trauma is to have a voice. Perhaps writing it all down in the blog will be enough for you.

Ultimately, you have your self respect and dignity. You will most likely go from strength to strength, meet someone deserving of you. I can't see the same for someone like him.

You say you want to love yourself again. Will exposing his lies help with that? I'd be more inclined to focus on yourself and begin getting the confidence back that he took from you. Don't allow people a presence in your life if they don't deserve it.

I disagree a bit. I think in his mother's heart she knows, I think in private many couples will be raising an eyebrow and saying tellnobody is supposed to be a right one - never came across that way to me - and he is a bit odd you know, whatever happened to the first wife.

Live your life, hold your head up high, draw a line in the sand and move on. You can't change the past you can only impact your future. Let time pass and in 5/10 years you will be in a better place with a better person. He will be in the same place, probably telling tales about wife number three. People will be having the same quiet conversations - "well tellnobody ended up alright and children speak highly of her and have got back in touch now they are older, his mother of course is heartbroken it's happened all over again."

Retain your dignity OP - play the long game.

draw a line in the sand and move on

BeaufortBelle, I don't believe that's a realistic way to go forward, IMOE. To explain that...

If you speak to someone this has happened to they will tell you about sheer bloody unfairness of this wicked treatment. Frustration, injustice, social harm, to name a few, each of them things that are very hard to just to dismiss with 'ok, well that was in the past, it's all fine now, let's draw a line'. TBF the only person who can ever decide that is the victim (in this case the OP) trying to work through it without a pre-decided timeframe. That last part is crucial.

There is too much turmoil and unresolved emotion to shut up in a box, never to be though of again. Nice thought, but I'm very sure that would be setting up a can of worms that will pop down from the cupboard at a random later date to mess up OP's life, just when she doesn't want it. It's got to be worked through, now that she's ready to tackle it, for her own sanity.

My main concern would be the fact that you were warned what he was like at the start of your relationship but wanted to believe in him in the face of all the evidence to the contrary. There is no reason why those believing him now would suddenly be persuaded otherwise, just as you yourself weren't (not blaming you at all btw, I fell for an abusive man myself who is still seen as lovely by the wider world).

Whilst it might be cathartic if you get the result you want, it might be even more infuriating if it's just used to paint you as the crazy ex who refuses to let go. By all means let info "slip out" to the local gossip but I'd be cautious about an active campaign to discredit him.

Sorry you're going through this, it sucks.

He ws introduced to be through friends and came with high recommendations. He was on a night out, being cheered up from his divorce going through. I wasn't interested in him at all, he seemed a bit effeminate and soft for my taste, but he had a great chat with me that night about marriage.

He told me how sad he was to lose his wife, how much he'd loved her, how he'd tried all he could to make her happy.

He grew on me over time.

During that time his friends / family said awful thing about his ex wife. Called her Hitler. Said they were so happy to see him with someone who actually loved him. Whenever one of his friends or family said something bad about her, he let them say it but did not join in.

He was oh so clever.

After we'd been together for a few months and I already had feelings growing he came to me and confesse that he had been unfaithful numerous times during his marriage. He told me a woeful tale of man neglected, not hugged, not kissed, not loved, not respected and bullied. But he said all of it without directly insulting her. He made it sound very humble, as if he was a victim who did not realise he was one.

I was angered. "how could she!", "poor you"....and funnily it made me love him. Over the years I actually met her and grew to quite like her. she was always nice to me, always a very good Mum, always reasonable and quite adult about things.

Looking at the situation now, she probably did withhold those things but he was off away on sex trips to Amsterdam so who can blame her? People, his friends and family only ever heard his side and saw the poor, weak baby being divorced against his will.

He's no doubt done the same stitch up job to me too.

His first wife knows about only a very small percentage of his infidelity, whereas his friends know about all of it and still blame her (like I did too.) It's hard to describe how manipulative he is.

I would not feel better if I went public with all of this. I think it will make me look bitter, mad and hyserical. I agree with playing the long game.

I would not feel better if I went public with all of this. I think it will make me look bitter, mad and hyserical. I agree with playing the long game.

I see your point. The only thing I might do is to contact the ex-wife and simply tell her 'I believe you' or that you now know that there is most likely much more to their story than he is telling the world. You don't have to tell her what went on in your marriage, nor does she have to tell you all. But she may have so many of the same feelings that you are having, and it may help her (and you) to know that you (and she) are certainly not alone.

It may also help her to help you regain some type of relationship with your stepchildren. Or at least to give them another view of things.

Whilst reading this thread, along with deep sympathy for all you've been through, is the thought "God help his next victim, whoever she may be". Because there will be a next one, and she will swallow his line of bullshit, hook, line, and sinker! And the sad part is that even if you and his ex were to sit her down, she wouldn't believe you.