Would you tell them all the truth? Or is vengeance a hollow win?

[tellnobody]

At the time of my split with DH a couple of years ago, I was manipulated into taking the fall for the whole thing.

We had an unusually happy marriage and the divorce was a bombshell. I was taken by suprise and was in such severe shock for a while that I was not eating and actually needed medication to sleep etc.

Anyone who has read the midlife crisis script on here: it was that exactly.

Dropped out of nowhere by a particularly loving and devoted DH. Blamed, told it was my fault, history re-written, devalued...thrown out with the trash.

I had no time to realise that my beloved DH had done all the hard work behind my back of telling mutual friends, my BELOVED inlaws and the rest of his family and his children (who I raised) that the divorce was my fault that he was the victim and he gave complex and completely fictional reasons.

While I was holed up for several months on my sister's sofa having thrice weekly therapy and trying to figure out why my absolutely lovely DH had turned into satans spawn he was busy calling friends and his family in tears, telling them all the stuff I had done to drive him to leave me and they actually felt sorry for him.

All of it was absolute total and utter bull shit, but nevertheless, they only heard the lies because I was too devastated to speak up and to be honest - could not fully believe he was not on my side.

It has taken me two years to get REALLY angry. Up until now, I think the shock, trauma just prevented me from connecting that that side of it. I just laid down and died. Let him destroy me and did nothing.

I was wondering if anyone felt that there was any point in standing up for myself now?

Is there any point?

I could easily send evidence of the real truth of why he left and did what he did (the sex with prostitutes, i have screen shots of his emails to them and his letters to me where he admits to lying to everyone because he is a coward) and I was wondering whether fighting back would make me feel better or worse?

I'm not one for vengeance, but I am just so angry. His parents in particular really, really hurt me. I adored DH and riased their grandkids as my own and I was cast out by all of them because he fancied fucking someone else - yet he told them lies to make them think it was me.

Would you do something? Or would I just hate myself worse? Leave it to karma? Showing anyone the evidence I had would destroy him completely.

I'm with Furry. I'd email everyone the screenshots, the letters and any other evidence I had. And I'd grin while I did it. Fuck him.

I do feel if I am honest that the people who matter most to me know the truth.

Anyone who would believe I would do any of those things is no friend of mine really. So I should really have the mental strength to feel like that is enough.

I shouldn't really care what lies are told about me to people who had no loyalty or fith in me, should I?

I do think he has a miserable life. He ended up alone in the end, screwed financially in the end, and my world got much better without him. He did make his own life worse.

I miss my stepchildren a lot but feel lucky to be rid of him and don't miss him.

All in all I should probably just find a way to let this anger go. And one big concern of mine is that hurting him/ causing shame /problems at work or with his parents might impact my stepkids one way or another and I love them.

As I write I think I have convinced myself not to do this, but I will do the blog (unpublished) and will show to to the people who matter most to me, and I think it would be therapeutic.

Thanks all...typing this out sorted it in my mind for me and the blog idea is a great way to vent this without bringing further drama to a situation that is already in the past.

"I will do the blog (unpublished)"

Or do it anonymously.

Well everybody said to me too that the people who believed him were not good friends anyway so I should not care and should be happy that I was free of them etc

But I thought that if he is capable of the unbelievable lies he was spreading, surely he'd be capable of making up many other things about me - i.e. maybe thoughts I had about my old friends that upset them? I did, after all, confide in exP about my friendships, and personal stuff that they told me. Looking back I can see how he could easily use that information and access to their lives to manipulate them more by telling them even more untruths.

Do you think your ExH could have done that?

Will there be a third wife?
I don't think I would feel too betrayed by the people who didn't believe your story - after all you believed he was a great husband, he is an expert at deceit so no wonder people close to him fell for it.

I'm generally a level headed, pragmatic person with a distaste for drama and furore, but I have to tell you I'd be tempted to expose him for the selfish, cowardly, seedy little liar he truly is.
Go for it. You've got nothing to lose. They all hate you anyway, so fuck them and fuck him royally up the arse with a hedgehog.
After the way he betrayed, abandoned, discredited and exploited you, he deserves everything he gets.

I'd tell anyone that I cared about and had a good relationship with before the split and wanted to try and rebuild a relationship with, the ones that I really think will hear 'my side'. But I wouldn't bother with the rest, they won't believe you anyway.

He was a great husband. Really, the best. I hd no complaints, and I never would have believed him capable of any of it so if I could not belive it then you're right I should not be suprised if no one else believes it either.

I am going to get cracking on the blog, and will decide what to do with it when I am finished. I really feel like writing it out might be so great for me. It's festering.

One thing that really troubles me is that I feel dread of telling anyone new in my life (especially men) about my past. It's shameful in a sense because you can't help feeling like good people don't have their husband's do those things.

If that makes sense.

I definitely don't want to continue life feeling ashamed of my story because I think it's affecting me and relations with other people.

It makes sense that you feel like that - even though you're wrong, I'm afraid.

Start writing and see how you feel after a bit. Things may come to you in the course of it.

it depends are they still affecting you NOW? if not then just move on

Now you are feeling a bit better and a bit stronger it's time to put a few people straight on what he's really like!

I would.

There is a very interesting phrase / quote which is easy to remember..
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth"
It's often used in science, but its hard to see how it cdosnt apply to everything..the argument posseted here against this is that some people will be hurt..butsome people are already being hurt, the amount of hurt is the same..but the suffers are the wrong ones

the argument posseted here against this is that some people will be hurt

Not entirely. My concern is that the situation won't play out the way it's intended. My experience of trying to set people straight, is that however much information you present them with, they have a tendency to believe what they are most comfortable with.

Now that's not necessarily a reason to keep quiet. But I think in these situations it's worth asking yourself, what do I want out of this? Is what I want likely to happen? If it isn't likely, what's the next best outcome that I can actually achieve? It's about looking after yourself. Getting the truth out can seem like a really great idea but IMO you have to wait until the time is right for people to believe it.

What I am worried about is that the wrong people will be hurt.

Me, his kids.

I guess also, even it it changes opinions of some people, those people would be people who made a decision to hate me without ever asking me for my side.

I think even if he was totally humiliated, he'd snake his way out of it.

Possibly with a suicide attempt.

He's that type.

I don’t think you’re wanting vengeance. I wouldn’t advise going too public, maybe seeing if you can talk with his first wife or the friend who told you about his lies, and show them your evidence. There are likely to be others out there who know that he’s a self-seeking bully, but daren’t speak out. Finding just one or two little contacts could help spread the word, and allow others to speak out.

Why is that so many narcissistic bullies are “pillars of the community”? That’s because they need the adulation of their perfectness. And that’s why they trash anyone who could possibly tarnish that public image. He has to be right; therefore you have to be wrong, with as much wrongness as he can possibly imagine (which is always over-the-top – that’s a classic sign).

I’d also be concerned about his children. He’s stolen their memories. Can you keep some kind of peripheral contact, so that if they want to they can find you in the years to come should they realise how much damage he’s also done to them. That will be painful for both them and you, so it would be good if you can get some validation and support from a counsellor. Women’s Aid would be a place to start – they, as well as many MNnetters, will know exactly what you are talking about, because, sadly, you’re not the only one to have been treated this way.

I'm going through exactly this with my soon to be ex husband so reading with interest. He was physically and emotionally abusive and I'd had enough. But suddenly everyone stopped talking to me - turns out he'd been working behind the scenes months before our actual split telling people I'd hit him and other appalling lies. I lost friends (both mutual and mine) and he even tried to get my own family to turn against me. I didnt find out for months. Luckily I've managed to keep one or two people in the wider group and just told them the truth. One of these days the truth will out.

But the pain of being treated so badly never goes away. Its the unfairness that gets me. Sadly I have to co-parent with this bastard.

An anonymous blog sounds like a great way to get some of these feelings off your chest!

I understand the idea of vengeance, but as you have said OP, ultimately what would you gain from it? Would it stir up even more horrid memories for you- given that you can't predict others reactions.

I don't think you can ever get any resolve or feeling of justice in this situation. He was (and sounds like his) a nasty, despicable, callous, heartless, TOSSER & that is all you need to know- the others don't really matter.

I personally think the 'blog' is a great idea, and could be quite carthartic for you, so long as you make it about you and not him.

Lastly, I would just like to say you sound very much on the up & thank god for good sisters!

Why let him get away with it . Do it

IMO it's not so much about OP changing anyone's opinion in this situation if they don't want to change it, but much more about gaining her voice back after so long in the wilderness. ExH has forfeited the right to gain access to her again with any of the stupid things he has to say, more importantly it now OP's time to tell of her experience when she feels able to.

I understand where you are coming from OP. My ex cheated through sexting, through dogging, swinging, using prostitutes and so on. In our pre-split arguments he screamed that I was 'too fucking nice' to tell anyone.
He was right; I was.

However, he was so confident I would STFU and say it was my fault we split up (because I finished with him due to his lies and behaviour) that he actually got his Mum to phone me up to remonstrate with me.

'You haven't been nice to my son', she said. That was the straw that broke the camel's back and I told her all of the shit he'd done, in one pithy paragraph.
There was a silence on the phone, and after a lengthy pause she said
'One has to love one's son, but I don't have to like him'.

She didn't bother me again.

Just on the telling new men about your past...
I'm 2.5 years on from leaving then divorcing a prostitute using husband.
Probably feels longer than for you because it wasn't a shock in my case, at the point when I ended it.

First fling after - I was really worried he'd judge me. Never went beyond a fling, so no mention.

Then I had a boyfriend - he knew because before we got together we shared our "awful marriage" stories. He was quite good at making my laugh about it! We split sometime later.

Current early days man... well, it just seems like a minor detail now. We both have said our XH/XW cheated, and that's that - no detail.

It may not feel like it now, but your life will move on and one day it won't be such an immediately relevant part of your past. You won't be hiding it, you just won't be bothered about telling your new partner.

Good luck OP, it sounds horrendous x

There are a few reasons why you shouldn't contact them directly

1. He's a better liar and has had more than 2 years to claim it as truth - it has now become family fact of who you are.

1. No one will believe it took you two years to come out of shock and realise it all (I do wholeheartedly, been there) and they will think you're just bitter and can't get over it.

1. It will satisfy HIM to have you drag it up again as he will get to relive the drama and tell it over and over again for sympathy.

1. Those people you lost? They will never be your friends. Even if they believed you now they would never take back 2 years of ignoring you - or they would only to involve themselves in your drama. There is nothing in it for them and it's so much easier to actually join in the delusion that you're at fault. People would rather paint you as more batshit than admit they were wrong for two years.

Before you email the screenshots of the sex do check out that it's not illegal and that there is NO phrasing that could be described as blackmail etc.

Good luck - what you've been through is so utterly shit and I hope your ex's cock falls off in a gangrenous pus filled plop.

Been thinking about this this evening and I have had a thought.

It would be very cathartic to write a letter to all of those people who dropped you. You could do an open letter and send it to your local paper or local facebook group, anon of course, to those people who dropped you without talking to you. (The Guardian does an open letter feature too, on a Friday iirc).

Tell them what really happened, tell them how hurt you where that they dropped you without talking to you, tell them how disappointed you are that they immediately thought the worst of you. Tell them that you are glad that they dropped you in the way that they did because it meant that you learned, overnight, what horrible people they are and thank them for removing themselves from your life. Tell them that you are sorry that they still have such a lying manipulator in their lives who has taken them in with his lies.

They may see it, they may not. They wont be sure it is written to them, but it will make you feel so much better that you have put your story out there, that you have made your voice heard and that maybe, just maybe, one of them saw and thought of what they did.....

Actually when I did threaten to expose him, he laughed in my face and said I'd never do it.

This alone would make me do it, let alone everything else. Karma does not exist, he will only get exposed if someone exposes him.

When xh and I split, he was the big I am, he divorced me etc.... My xSIL was very amused to hear that he refused to sign the divorce papers I served him and had tried to initiate getting back together 2yrs after our split

I agree with Imperial- tell his ist wife the truth and also that you care about her children. Not sure it's a good idea to tell his family -they will tell him and there may be repercussions for you. There may be other opportunities to get out the truth .