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Original poster

Is this friendship wrong?

59 replies

twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:13

The aibu thread is making me wonder (er, that's not me by the way Grin)

I have a male friend who I've known 16 years. We all used to hang around in a crowd together but I moved other end of the country and the group drifted apart over time. He got married to another one of the members and although I am friends with them both on fb etc, I don't keep in contact with her any more in person / via phone (that's partly location tho, I'm a 5 hour drive from them!) and he sometimes works near me.

I have recently been made aware that my male friend deletes all my messages as his wife doesn't like us being in contact. There is NOTHING going on, no flirting - never had been. Nothing I could think of as being construed as an ea, although he did confide in me about their miscarriage last year. We are in touch every few days - mostly very early as my ds is up at 5 and he starts work then.

Now I know she's uncomfortable I feel like I'm hesitating before I send a message, I don't want to upset anyone but I'm a bit confused as to what I've done other than being female if you see what I mean?

I would say this guy is one of my best mates, and I don't want to lose that, but equally - it feels tainted now and like I've done something wrong? I def don't want to upset his wife, I really like her even though we aren't close any more.

Added info. I am now single but she met my ex a few years ago as we all went out for a meal and it was a joint friend thing if you see what I mean, rather than me and him being friends and bringing our partners - does that make sense?!

Do I need to lose this friendship? Is there anything I can do to make this better? She's really lovely, and even tho we aren't close any more I really don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:18

I feel I should add, I send Christmas cards / presents addressed to them both and their kids. Kids presents are from me and my ds. She isn't excluded or anything - I will chat to her on fb and stuff as well, so not a complete unknown entity - which I think Is why I'm so shocked she has an issue with our friendship?

OP posts:
ElizabethSpenser · 08/08/2015 20:19

Could you send her the odd friendly text, perhaps make your friendship a three way thing? If I was in her position I might feel more comfortable with my DH having a friendship with a woman if I was included. (I am a bit insecure though)

ElizabethSpenser · 08/08/2015 20:20

Oh, so you do include her.
Golly, I dunno what to say now. Sorry.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:29

I include her on facebook but if I asked for her phone number to text now it would prob come across a bit weird if you see what I mean?

I was thinking of making the effort to travel to their area again so we could all go out with the kids and I could, I dunno, made an effort with her and showed her there was nothing going on. Is that weird? It's a lot of effort as they are miles away, but I wasn't sure if it would help?

His friendship means a lot to me, I don't want to make things worse. I care about them both - I had no idea this was an issue at all until recently. It would never have occurred to me that it could be!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 08/08/2015 20:29

Perhaps if you copied all your messages to him, to her as well...? Or is he getting some sort of kick out of keeping it secret from her? If it is her it may be a lot more to do with how she knows he is than how she suspects you are. If either of these are the case I'd be awfully inclined to gradually slide out of the friendship.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:32

I was really annoyed with him when he said he had been deleting messages - because if wanted to reassure her, that was the worst way to go about it, and I feel a bit like I've been incriminated by that - does that make sense? It would be really weird if I started copying her in on all our messages though. Is it worth me emailing her and addressing it with her? I'm already sliding out the friendship because I am second guessing contacting him - but he's one of my best mates, and I don't have many, I would miss him if it was permenant!

OP posts:
VerityWaves · 08/08/2015 20:32

You can't copy all your messages to her that's bonkers

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:34

Oh good verity, I'm glad you agree - o think she would think I was a total loon then Grin

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 08/08/2015 20:37

I think he's made it really awkward by deleting your messages like there's something going on.

but also you made it awkward by choosing to carry on chatting with him but dropping her off. She's probably wondering why that is. When they moved, you could have chatted to both of them. Or her and not him. But you chose him and not her. ok, that's because you like him more and it was worth the effort of messaging him? I mean, it's not distance because they live together! And a message doesn't require the receiver to come to your house and collect it.

I would say to him sorry, but I am uncomfortable with you acting like there's some secret here and deleting messages. We're friends but you deleting messages makes it look sordid and I'm not happy.

And start to reconnect with her, if you like her.

startagainonmonday · 08/08/2015 20:39

I think it's not for you to decide what the wife should or shouldn't feel comfortable with, it's for them as a couple to set those boundaries. If your friend is refusing to do that by keeping elements of your friendship secret from his DW then I don't think I'd want to be a part of that.

Step back, there are plenty more people in the world to be friends with without treading on anyone else's toes.

ALaughAMinute · 08/08/2015 20:39

You are a single woman so she sees you as a threat. What's going on in their marriage? Maybe they're having problems that you don't know about.

If she doesn't like him being friends with you then it might be better to leave them alone.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:42

He was working near me after I moved so I sort of drifted away from
Everyone apart from him. It wasn't that I preferred him, but now you ha e said it I can actually see that's how it might come across and am a bit mortified - she is lovely, Id like to be her friend more but it feels awkward now and a bit manipulative? I think I need to drift away from the friendship even though I am sad about that. What a bloody waste - I don't know what he was thinking about deleting the messages, they were generally all moaning about being knackered and the fact our children don't sleep (very innocuous!)

OP posts:
Fishwives · 08/08/2015 20:44

It's his issue, not yours. It's a straightforward, unromantic, asexual friendship that you value from your point of view, and you've done nothing at all wrong. Friendships between couples wax and wane - DH is now close friends with a friend I used to be closer to and drifted away from, and that's fine. The difference being that he doesn't delete her messages.

I'd be slightly irritated by being made to feel surreptitious in your shoes, but I wouldn't alter my behaviour. If he keeps you as a guilty little secret, it's his problem to sort out, as is his marital stuff.

And I definitely wouldn't email her.

ovenchips · 08/08/2015 20:44

One thing that occurs to me is that while you're very sure on your part that a friendship is all it is, could he have feelings for you that his wife is picking up on?

He has scored a massive own goal for the sustainability of your friendship (whatever his thinking) by deleting your messages though.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:46

I think that's it stattagain. I had no idea this was an issue for her / them, but now I do, I don't want to make it worse and am paranoid about every text I send. I don't want to be a part of
It, or for our friendship to be defined by that - or indeed for our friendship to Have any knock on effects.

I think I was just posting in case there was a solution there that enabled me to keep my friend. I don't make them easily, and I will selfishly miss him.

OP posts:
startagainonmonday · 08/08/2015 20:47

It's part of The Script that moaning about one's life is a prelude to "but you can rescue me from this". Not suggesting for one moment that is what's been going on here but then why is your friend deleting your messages? What he's doing is not wrong per se but it is wrong in the context of his marriage iwswim.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:52

Sorry cross posts, yes! I'm annoyed that something very innocent (that she could have seen for herself!) has been made dubious by the fact he's deleted the bloody messages!

She's a lovely lady, I don't want to hurt her with our friendship. It never occurred to me that I was!

I am almost 100% certain he has no feelings for me. He's never mentioned them ever im all the years we have know each other, we don't flirt - it would be weird if we did! I know she thinks he fancies a lot of other women though - I just didn't think I was part of it.

He's a total idiot for deleting the messages. I could kick him for it. Argh Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:55

Ahh I didn't know that about the script thing. It's not moaning per second,lee fact we are both up at stupid o clock in the morning at the moment. She may not know that though? (That it's coincidental?) we have been Mates such a long time that this is just our latest phase as well - pre dc and this part of his job, we would just message normally.

OP posts:
KatelynB · 08/08/2015 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reubs15 · 08/08/2015 22:12

Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who kept our friendship a secret from his wife

Original poster
twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 22:16

I had no idea it was a secret - im not even sure if it is as such. We comment on each other's facebooks (and she does as well) at least once a week I would say. It all felt public, until now. I've texted him tonight to say how I feel and he has replied saying he sees how we both feel and it isn't personal and his wife feels like that about all his female friends. I just don't know how I feel about it, what was just normal and uncomplicated had become the total opposite!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/08/2015 22:26

I'd stop contacting him privately now. You're feeling bad about it and even if the friendship was innocent enough on your part, it isn't any more - you said it feels tainted? You can't have an open and honest relationship with him any more I think.

AmberFool · 08/08/2015 23:23

His message back to you - he is blaming his wife for his decision to delete your messages. Are you comfortable with that? I know I wouldn't be. He obviously wants the friendship to carry on the same but it will never be the same. Personally, I would step away from this friendship.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/08/2015 23:28

Maybe she's a paranoid whinyarse? Either way, it's probably best to let the friendship fade for a while rather than letting it become a battleground. You'll probably be all good friends again in a few years time.

AmberFool · 08/08/2015 23:28

Also, do you want to be in a secret friendship now that you it's a secret friendship on his part? Also, if he is deleting your messages, there is a good chance he is deleting other women's messages too.