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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this friendship wrong?

59 replies

twirlypoo · 08/08/2015 20:13

The aibu thread is making me wonder (er, that's not me by the way )

I have a male friend who I've known 16 years. We all used to hang around in a crowd together but I moved other end of the country and the group drifted apart over time. He got married to another one of the members and although I am friends with them both on fb etc, I don't keep in contact with her any more in person / via phone (that's partly location tho, I'm a 5 hour drive from them!) and he sometimes works near me.

I have recently been made aware that my male friend deletes all my messages as his wife doesn't like us being in contact. There is NOTHING going on, no flirting - never had been. Nothing I could think of as being construed as an ea, although he did confide in me about their miscarriage last year. We are in touch every few days - mostly very early as my ds is up at 5 and he starts work then.

Now I know she's uncomfortable I feel like I'm hesitating before I send a message, I don't want to upset anyone but I'm a bit confused as to what I've done other than being female if you see what I mean?

I would say this guy is one of my best mates, and I don't want to lose that, but equally - it feels tainted now and like I've done something wrong? I def don't want to upset his wife, I really like her even though we aren't close any more.

Added info. I am now single but she met my ex a few years ago as we all went out for a meal and it was a joint friend thing if you see what I mean, rather than me and him being friends and bringing our partners - does that make sense?!

Do I need to lose this friendship? Is there anything I can do to make this better? She's really lovely, and even tho we aren't close any more I really don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:

UghMug · 09/08/2015 01:45

Maybe you should include her in the chats so she feels part of things? If you were friends with her before and you value the relationship with her husband why not try to forge a better relationship with her too?
I know wives can be a nightmare if they don't trust you or their DH and I may be the only one thinking this, but why not extend hand of friendship to reassure her? Men are notoriously thick when it comes to understanding why their wives may be upset so why not show the wife your intentions are purely platonic? It can do no harm at all

winkywinkola · 09/08/2015 05:59

"I know wives can be a nightmare if they don't trust you or their dh"

Wtf? Dumb thing to say.

Does this bloke want a bit of drama in his life and has deleted the messages for that reason?

He's messed up. He's made your friendship a secret in the eyes of his wife. Who can blame her for being cheesed off? I'd be cheesed off if h kept a male friend secret too.

You have to back off. Reduce responses to his messages by two thirds or so and then let it drift.

Unless you want to be considered to be the other half of an emotional affair. You aren't but his deleting the messages will arouse such suspicion and cause a lot of damage.

In time, I would actively seek her out as a friend seeing as she's so lovely. But meanwhile back off and if he asks why, tell him.

It really doesn't take much to sow a seed of doubt and it's damaging.

LiverMummy25 · 09/08/2015 06:19

If he doesn't have feelings for you OP then I cant see any reason for him to delete the messages. It would be over between me and DF if he did that to me. We always tell each other who is texting us and if I read innocent friendly messages then i'd be fine with that. I wouldn't be fine with him hiding this as i'd think well what's he deleted? It must be sexual or inappropriate if he's hiding it.

How did you find out he was deleting your texts? (if don't mind me asking) He may be worried how wife will react but lying to both of you isn't the best way to go about it. If you had a husband and he was deleting texts from a women what would you think? You should talk this through with him and see what's going on.

Original poster

twirlypoo · 09/08/2015 08:09

I think that's why this bothers me so much - my ex deleted his messages (though he was actually cheating) and it drove me mad: it made me feel disrespected and like I was going mad doubting myself. I feel like ive caused someone else to feel that way and im annoyed at being Put in that position. I don't understand why he's done it, he's caused a bigger deal and I don't know if our friendship can survive that because I respect his marriage and his wife even if he doesn't appear to. Im actually really angry with the knobber this morning!

Thanks for helping me work it out and giving me your opinions. It may be that over time we can reconnect, but for now I can't see how our friendship can continue as it was.

OP posts:

AlwaysOutnumberedNevrOutgunned · 09/08/2015 09:11

Maybe it is a coincidence but if you want to know how this could go then read the thread Fellow MNer messaging my DH and you will be certain that the secrecy is all wrong and you are better off out of it.

Original poster

twirlypoo · 09/08/2015 09:24

Always it was that thread which made me start this one (it's def not me though as we have been mates 16years and she was part of the group too)

I am annoyed as I KNOW there is nothing untoward with our friendship, but he has created doubt by deleting the messages and so I'm now in the position of losing a really good friend because of it. I don't have many friends, and very few going back that long. I'm annoyed and upset about it (which is selfish, but there we go!)

OP posts:

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 09/08/2015 09:46

Is it only me that's slightly baffled by this deleting the messages business? I would never check the messages on my partners phone so would have no idea what's on there. Unless his wife routinely checks his phone and reads his message conversations then how is this even an issue whether the messages are stored on there or not?
If she is routinely checking his phone then they clearly have issues already.
If she's not then it makes no difference whether he keeps the messages or not.
If she's making any actual accusations then presumably you still have records of all the message conversations which you could send her if she wanted to see what had been going on.

AlwaysOutnumberedNevrOutgunned · 09/08/2015 09:46

Oh I see.

It is an odd situation but you don't know what goes on in someone else's marriage, for all you know he has a crush on you and that is why his wife is distant. Whatever the reasons, his actions are deceitful and you are doing the right thing by removing yourself as the catalyst.

AmberFool · 09/08/2015 09:50

It's absolutely ok to be annoyed and upset about it though - I would be too. It's like he's pulled the rug from under your feet and made what was a simple friendship into something a bit dodgy (from his side).

Have you decided what you want to do?

Heyho111 · 09/08/2015 09:53

How about having a group message so your all included in the conversation. You can do this on FB messenger.

Original poster

twirlypoo · 09/08/2015 10:05

Hey ho, I had considered that but I can't see how it would come across any other way but weird to suddenly start sending joint messages? Also, whilst I have nothing to hide, I feel a bit checked up on - I want to make it better, but it's making our friendship a bit of a farce to copy his wife in on everything - just as it would be weird to start copying in my female friends husbands. Does that make sense?

He had messaged me quite lengthy reply this morning saying his wife doesn't like him being friends with anyone female and it isn't personal. Apparently she regularly checks his phone / fb etc and so he just got in habit of clearing everything - not just my messages. Also, about 10 years ago he had an affair with a work colleague (I didn't know this) and so the deal was she had open access after that.

I don't know what's going to happen as in a concrete cut off, but I am already awkward about messaging so I think things will naturally cool in terms of our friendship. I may try and go down to visit over the summer and make a real effort to make her a joint friend rather than just his wife who I'm friendly with, but I don't know if that's the right decision either.

Thank you all for the replies. Any one want a new best mate? Im very lovely, really! Argh!!!

OP posts:

AlwaysOutnumberedNevrOutgunned · 09/08/2015 10:08

Ah, he has form, you are caught in the crossfire, avoid avoid avoid

winkywinkola · 09/08/2015 10:09

So she's not suspicious with good reason then if he had an affair.

Who could blame her for checking up on him and for being wary?

winkywinkola · 09/08/2015 10:10

Suspicious without good reason I meant to type!

springlamb · 09/08/2015 10:11

If there is nothing in your messaging that you wouldn't want her to see, I'd send a group message asking something innocuous, such as ideas for their ds's birthday, or if they are free on such a day as you might be in the area, then 'accidentally on purpose' start sending all messages on that thread.
Ofcourse, if you're reluctant to do so then you need to examine your motives here.

TheHoundsBitch · 09/08/2015 10:12

He's fucked it up, not you. And I can't honestly see how you can continue the friendship without upsetting his wife. Also 'open access'??? Hes deleting everything, its not really is it? He sounds like a creep anyway, really dishonest.

sapphirestars · 09/08/2015 10:18

I do delete conversations just to tidy up facebook inbox really and am like with my own email. But if you've not done anything wrong then why are you worried. If the friendship is important do the go out with kids day. She might be more reassured then x

magoria · 09/08/2015 10:18

Well you last post makes more sense. He had an affair and now is 'honest and open' with his wife by letting her have access to his phone.

Unfortunately that open honesty means deleting messages before she sees them. This is his answer to the requirements that were made to fix his cheating. To carry on deceiving her.

So much for open and honest.

You are in contact often very early morning. It sounds like many of the affairs you read about on here.

She is probably going crazy knowing he is deleting stuff but lacking the actual proof.

It may be innocent however he is deceitful and putting his selfish wants above her feelings.

Do you really want to keep contacting a man like that?

sapphirestars · 09/08/2015 10:19

Oh wow just seen the bit about the affair. He's not helping matters is he about deleting them then. If he was honest, his wife wouldn't feel like that. Deffo go for the kids day out x

Original poster

twirlypoo · 09/08/2015 10:21

Spring lamb, I wasn't reluctant cos there is anything to hide - more I couldn't see how to achieve it without it being a bit awkward, and also, I kind of do resent having to because of his balls up (def not hers!) I like your suggestion though of an innocuous reason.

The friendship is going to cool naturally and so I think I will leave it for a few months and then message them both about Christmas presents like spring lamb has suggested.

I don't blame her at all for this by the way, but it has taken me by surprise that something I took for granted has suddenly been skewered and I had no idea it was even an issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

twirlypoo · 09/08/2015 10:24

Magoria, I honestly don't know what he was thinking in acting that way - he is an idiot and I'm angry with him too, because he's hurt his wife and I have also hurt his wife by being a part of it against my will or knowledge.

OP posts:

MrsSchadenfreude · 09/08/2015 10:25

I have a male friend like this - I have known him all my life, and we meet up periodically for a drink, as we both work in London. I only found out last time we met that he doesn't tell his wife when he meets me as she "is a bit peculiar about our friendship." I know his wife, but not well - we meet up at weddings/funerals etc (we are almost like cousins, as our families have been friends for years), and have contacted her when I have been visiting their home town (when her DH has been at work) and asked if she is free for a coffee or a drink, and have always had a frosty rebuttal. I see it as their/her problem, not mine.

firebladeklover · 09/08/2015 10:29

why would he delete innocent messages that prove there's nothing going on ?

Does he want his wife to think there might be!? he sounds a bit odd there.

(and, how can you tell he deletes your messages? did he say that)

firebladeklover · 09/08/2015 10:32

oh, he has form. I agree with outnumberedneverundergunned. avoid the cross fire.

startagainonmonday · 09/08/2015 10:34

Ah it makes much more sense now. I don't think I want to be friends with someone actively deceiving his wife, let alone be a knowing part of that deception.

In the meantime if you're anywhere near Merseyside I'd love some new friends, I make a mean Victoria sponge

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