And he's done it again

[PecanSandy]

I posted about a blow-up with a good friend a few weeks ago.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2428409-Confronted-with-the-ugly-side-of-my-character

we are now abroad on a training course with another colleague. two more are arriving this weekend. The first three of us were having lunch together the other day and I don't know what set him off, but he started in on me again. I have carefully avoided discussing anything personal with him since the last time. I feel he's tried to get a rise out of me several times since by referring to dating or men but I have brushed it off and smilingly asked him to give me a break. Anyway in the restaurant, he started it again. I was embarrassed as our colleague was there and asked him several times to stop and to give me a break. But he kept on, claimed I had insulted him the previous day (I couldn't even remember saying what he claimed I had) and informed me and everyone else within a mile radius that I have no interest in making friends with women and that I only look at men, and then only at their ring finger. This was accompanied by gesticulation and hand waving and pointing. I asked him a low voice to stop, I said i wasn't having this conversation again and again all month, and he snarled, "Oh poor you! Poor you!"

At this point I burst into tears and had to leave the table. When I came back he said "oh everything is my fault isn't it". I apologized to our colleague, who suggested we continue the meal in silence. He didn't speak to me again and left before us. I'm mortified, I didn't want to create awkwardness among our group (I think it was assumed we would meet up for meals and such), but I feel I am finished with him. He could apologize to me, but it seems he feels entitled to rip me apart, and I'm not having it.

I texted him to say it would be better for us to avoid contact. I haven't discussed this with colleague, who is being very tactful. I'm not someone who cries easily (though I am a bit depressed and wobbly lately) but his comments are so mean and uncalled for and he'll just do it again. As I said, he seems to feel entitled.

Am I being a bitch? Should I have done something different? Is it horrible to just cut someone off like this? Why are we acting like teenagers? I didn't even do this shit as a teenager! I don't see what else to do. But I feel terrible.

He's already done it twice, refuse to engage now! If you send the email he'll probably twist it to the captive audience he probably has in your colleagues, and you won't be there to correct his version of what you wrote. This is extending the drama, the opposite of fixing it. Just ignore him. When you have to work together he'll have to behave normally, outside of that time, no contact whatsoever.

He is no friend of yours.

Basically he knows what he said to you and saw how it upset you.

He has not apologised because he believes what he said. He doesn't care that you have missed out on the group for a week nor that they think you are the problem.

Friends don't do this.

No, no email.

At this point I think the best thing to do is just emerge from your isolation (as it were) and start doing things with the group acting like nothing ever happened. Perhaps start with something short, like having coffee rather than a meal or prolonged outing. Stay physically away from him as much as possible. Don't make a big deal of avoiding him, but say as little as possible to him directly.

And, as hard as it is, try to build a bit of a thicker skin. He only does this for one of two reasons, either because he knows it gets to you or because he thinks it makes him look 'clever'. Practice those phrases we know and love; "Did you mean to be so rude?", "Really?" with raised eyebrow then turn away with eye roll, "That's a bit odd of you to say", and "You pay such close attention to my life, you must get one of your own someday, dear". Ok, that last is a bit PA. But the point is that there are things you can say that will turn the situation back on him and make him look like a fool.