Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can he move on so quickly?

29 replies

Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 19:32

I am having the most difficult time coping. Have no one in real life to talk to.

Basically split up with ex 7 week ago. He started seeing someone else 3week later. It was a shock, I thought we were in love and would always be together. Up until say the beginning of June he was still very loving and was saying how scared he was of losing me. We did have our arguments but I thought he loved me. I thought he would miss me and we'd be back together by now but he seems besotted with the new girl. Tells her all the things he told me.

The pain is unbearable and I'm not coping

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 07/08/2015 19:46

I know it's a sweeping statement, but men tend to go out and grab a rebound relationship immediately after a relationship ends (or before... Hmm )

Whereas women usually take longer to get themselves back in the sort of headspace you need to be in a relationship that you want to actually go somewhere.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 19:58

I just can't get my head around it. It's like I was nothing to him..... so hurt

OP posts:
BeyondDespair · 07/08/2015 20:07

This is quite typical unfortunately. How long were you together? How do you know he is telling the new girl everything he told you?

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 20:36

Just over 3years. We had a house and were engaged. He was never ever distant. We had a row, he left and I think initially he was gonna c o me back but started enjoying his freedom and partying. Then he got together with this girl.
She accidentally screenshotted a conversation where he's saying, she's different, he never felt like this before. He misses he an hour after he leaves.... etc. He told me all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 21:27

Just over 3years. We had a house and were engaged. He was never ever distant. We had a row, he left and I think initially he was gonna c o me back but started enjoying his freedom and partying. Then he got together with this girl.
She accidentally screenshotted a conversation where he's saying, she's different, he never felt like this before. He misses he an hour after he leaves.... etc. He told me all that.

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 07/08/2015 21:42

do you think he was seeing her before he left?

And she didn't accidentally screenshot anything - it was done on purpose to hurt you I bet.

How are you seeing that anyway - you have blocked her and him online?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/08/2015 22:27

There's nothing accidental about that screenshot.

Sorry you're going through this. Some people just don't like to be alone, or maybe he'd detached some time ago, leaving him emotionally unburdened at the point of your split. Whatever the reason, you will be fine, it's better to be single than be with someone who doesn't love you.

Preciousbane · 07/08/2015 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 22:58

She messages me cos she feels sorry for me as I was really heartbroken. She says she has been through it herself.

Definitely wasn't seeing her. At first he was saying he'd come back after he had some space and most nights came back home to me. He text me everyday until the day he met this girl out and he pretty much went back to hers that night and they've been inseparable since. I think it's the excitement of something new. I'm hoping still he will miss me and come home.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2015 23:21

pocket is right. Men just have a much better ability to 'compartmentalize' breakups. As a result, they are able to get involved with someone new much sooner that we women do.

May I make a suggestion? Please don't look at or follow their social media. There's no point, why would you want to rub your nose in it? And if you have friends that are repeating things to you, ask them, no, tell them that you do NOT want to know about his doings.

You need to concentrate on YOU. And on NEW experiences. Don't wallow in the past. Walk into the future.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2015 23:22

Oh, and block her. She's not being kind, she's being mean.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 23:34

So do you think I'm being pathetic thinking he will come back. Is this unlikely

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2015 23:46

No, I don't think you're being pathetic. I think you're being normal. But sitting and hoping he'll come back isn't really helpful, is it?

What is helpful is to move forward. I know you can't just turn off your feelings, but you can act as if he doesn't matter to you. Sort of 'fake it 'til you make it'.

Block, unfollow, delete. Then call your best friend and go somewhere, do something. A film, window-shopping, have a drink down the pub. Just take this one step and you'll be on your way to being happy again.

Missdee2014 · 07/08/2015 23:53

So she accidentally screenshotted his message and sent it to you?

I think you are being rather naive here. Sorry to say it but you need to cut them both out of your life. Get some real life support and try and move on. Take care of yourself but please do not follow either of them on social media or by text etc.

Good luck ????

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 07/08/2015 23:55

I hope so. I am really trying. But I was cut off from friends during our relationship so I'm kind of alone which is why I posted on here. I will try harder to move on. I suppose I have to.

OP posts:
Morganly · 08/08/2015 00:02

What a bitch. She is not being kind, she's rubbing your nose in it. Go non contact with both of them. Rushing into a new sexual relationship is actually the best way to get over a heartbreak so long as you don't take it too seriously and expect the next one to be "the one". Some people find it easier than others. This is not gender specific!

Of course you are devastated. This is a major break up. You need to concentrate on looking after yourself now and try not to get obsessed with what he is up to. Have you got friends and/or family you can lean on? Treat yourself as if you are convalescing from an illness: eat well, get plenty of rest, organise treats, make plans for the future. Be kind to yourself.

Who knows what will happen in the future but please, please don't sit there waiting for a man to come back to you after he's finished having his fun shagging another woman. He will never respect you properly and you deserve more than that.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 08/08/2015 00:13

I can't even imagine being with someone else. He was my world. I never treated him badly and he was the boss in everything. I can't understand what I did wrong.
I can't believe he's never gonna hold me again. I really want to die, I never ever thought I'd feel pain like this.

Thank you to anyone who replied. I have no one to talk to.no friends and my mum has no time for nonsense over men.

OP posts:
Missdee2014 · 08/08/2015 00:16

Can you perhaps contact an old friend, someone you were friends with prior to this relationship and try and rekindle? You can do this alone but it would be easier to have some rl support.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 08/08/2015 00:18

I have thoug t about but afraid to. I am scared of further rejection. I am going to see a doctor about antidepressants I think.

OP posts:
Diggum · 08/08/2015 00:25

Hurt, I know how you feel. I've been almost exactly there (apart from the new girl texting me, which is weird and very wrong and mind-fucking of her I must say).

A friend of mine gave me some excellent advice. "Be the Queen".

Would the queen let this man know how devastated she is? Would she pine and hope he comes back? Would she send drunken messages to him and regret them immediately?

No she damn well wouldn't. She may well feel quietly devastated and take some time to get over it, but in public, and to bastard ex, she would remain utterly pleasant, calm, and together. She would accept that she will probably never get a decent explanation for his shitty behaviour, for the fact that he has made a lie of their whole relationship. She would not seek one. She would remain stiff upper lippy if she ever met him. Dignified and classy.

This is what you must be towards him and new girl. In fact, you shouldn't need to even demonstrate this as you should never make contact with him again.

I took this advice at the time and I have never felt more empowered. I did cross paths with them at times both together and separately, and was as charming and aloof as if they were casual acquaintances. It totally threw them both and I engaged in much silent evil laughter (and probably equal amounts of heartbroken tears, but still).

I was DEVASTATED in private. But I did my grieving, moved in and ended up having some of the most fun I'd had in years in the months after that.

You CAN get through this and come out the better for it. But you have to take back the power. Grieve, but don't give that fucker the gift of knowing how much you regret him. Stop texting newgirl. Cut him out. Reconnect with old friends or seek out new ones. This could be the start of a great new chapter for you, even though it feels like the bottom is falling out of your world right now.

Original poster
Hurtandconfused6537 · 08/08/2015 00:30

Wow diggum, you seem so together and strong. I will try my best to do the same as you. I can't carry on like I am.

OP posts:
Morganly · 08/08/2015 00:53

"He was the boss in everything" is worrying. That is not a healthy equal relationship. Lots of people on here recommend The Freedom Programme which you can do online or by going to meetings. If you are going to your GP about anti-depressants, it may be worth asking about counselling.

Isetan · 08/08/2015 06:57

Why was he the boss in everything and why did you lose contact with your friends?

Being the 'perfect' girlfriend being subservient doesn't protect you from being treated badly and only

It may be a good idea to talk with a professional to help you through the relationship postmortem. There is a naivety that comes across in your posts that makes you very vulnerable, you appear not to be aware of the disconnect between what people say and what people do - actions speak louder than words (your Ex's current leg over was being mean and vindictive).

As much as your Ex's cruelty hurts, getting back together wouldn't erase it and given your current mindset, 'getting back together' would be used to control you and ultimately cause you more headache.

This man is no prize and you deserve better.

Ouchbloodyouch · 08/08/2015 07:09

You had another thread? This is the guy who wouldn't let you socialise. You are well rid. It hurts now but I hope you realise sooner rather than later how lucky you are that he has gone.
Is this the guy who made you delete your Facebook account too?

Earlybird · 08/08/2015 11:20

It is an understatement to say you are in shock. Rejection can hurt like a physical blow.

How can he move on so quickly and completely? The answer is, he wasn't/isn't who you thought he was. He is someone who is capable of things you never would have believed previously.

Some men are very good at falling in love, and being in love. But, they are rubbish at the complex 'hard work' that comes with a real relationship - the discussions, the working through issues, the compromises, etc. They simply can't be there when things aren't going well.

Also, think very hard about this: he's shown you that a big argument is enough to send him running. All couples have big arguments. He's shown you he's not willing or able to work through whatever it was that caused the upset. Even if he somehow decided to come back to you, you'd be afraid to express your anger or displeasure toward him again - for fear he'd leave again. That is no way to live, and would not be a healthy relationship.

Oh, and my advice is to cut all contact. Block his number, don't communicate via Facebook and unfriend him (in fact, drop him from any social media that would keep you informed about what he's doing), don't talk to him on the phone, don't email/text, etc. Resist the temptation to ask mutual friends what he's up to. The best way to get over him is to have him out of your life completely and totally.

As much as it hurts now, it will get better with time. Hard to imagine, but it is true. Three months from now, six months from now, a year from now - you'll be in a very different place. Just take it a day at a time. Good luck.