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Original poster

on holiday without us with his kids and parents

74 replies

alsteff · 07/08/2015 11:19

Hi,
This seems a bit trivial compared to what some poor people are going through on here but..........

I've been in a relationship (post divorce) for the past 2yrs, we've been living independently until the end of last month when we moved in together, albeit temporarily whilst my new house becomes available.
(It's probably worth pointing out here, that this new house is deliberately big enough to incorporate his family too, although his equity is tied up with the ex-wife). So all future plans are to move in together permanently.

In April it was announced that he was going on holiday with his kids (15 & 17) and his parents, plus the 17yr old's BF.

I was very anti this plan at the time, as it seemed divisive and really exclusive towards me and my 10yr old daughter. The reasoning behind it went from "it's our last family holiday before DD goes to university" and "we've had such terrible holidays in the past (with his previous ex) that the kids want to go alone".

I feel I get on really well with his kids, there have been no real issues (and I'm sure I'd know if there were!) plus my DD is really relaxed with them, and not demanding in a younger sibling kind of way, that may be expected.

Anyway, here we are stuck at his house whilst they are all away. I had a meltdown about it, a few days before they went - I / we just felt really rejected at a time when we needed to feel loved and included (moving into his house). He said all the right things - about commitment and us all being together as a 'family' in the future etc...

Also, he admitted that it was a poor decision, made at a time prior to us deciding to move in together, and that he shouldn't have listened to his kids (but sadly he often seems to make poor decisions regarding his kids as he is scared of losing / upsetting them, after a pretty rocky divorce 10yrs ago and an ex wife who uses access to the children as a weapon).

After they actually left for the holiday we started feeling more positive about stuff and have tried to fill the week with various activities etc... However, today I feel anger and resentment again, probably because I'm tired but I'm also fed up of people asking why we're not on holiday too and not having a viable explanation to give them.

I'm beginning to wonder that, although I feel that I've forgiven him most of the time, that I haven't really and that this is going to resurface every time I feel tired, emotional etc...etc... That's to say how much damage has this caused and instead of a new beginning together, is this just the beginning of the end?!

OP posts:

Inertia · 07/08/2015 19:04

It seems that you regard him and his children as your immediate family. He doesn't feel the same about you and your daughter. It doesn't seem as though he made much effort to reassure you about moving forward as a family unit; instead, he has laid the blame at your door, because you are female like his ex wife.

Before you go down the road of entangling finances and living arrangements, it's probably worth seeing a solicitor to protect your own child's future. And if you are buying a house on your own, you get to make the decisions about it.

Spartans · 08/08/2015 08:04

hampster it would make a slight difference to me. But only if they also had joint finances and there was an impact from that.

Ivegottogo · 08/08/2015 08:14

Hmm alarm bells going off here re you buying a house with your money, he and his kids all moving in with you after only two years and he is contributing nothing!

I would be more concerned about that than a holiday without you although I can understand why you are hurt.

Have you sorted out the finances for when he/they move in? You're not going to be bankrolling him and his kids are you?

saintlyjimjams · 08/08/2015 08:23

Lots of people split holidays -even when they're not blended families - especially when the kids have different needs (which is true of ten year olds & teenagers). I can think of lots of cases where part of the family has gone away & the other part hasn't.

Dh & I are taking ds1 away this year & leaving ds2 & ds3 at home with grandparents. Ds1 has very different needs than the younger 2 - who will get their own time with us & without ds1 once we get back.

Just carry on doing nice stuff at home. Ds2 & ds3 have been super busy this week & I've been impressed with how many fun cheap activities are available locally.

schlong · 08/08/2015 11:29

You should be glad you've met a man willing to put his dc first as opposed to subordinating their needs(quality holiday time with dad after traumatic hols with both parents)to those of a new dp. Come on be grown up and happy for them. You're whinging and pouty tbh.

christinarossetti · 08/08/2015 13:21

It probably feels worse as you're living in his house at the moment.

Twinklestein · 08/08/2015 13:32

If all his equity is 'tied up' with his ex-wife, you're basically buying a house for him to live in? What's he contributing?

Apart from that I can understand his kids not wanting to go on holiday with dad's gf and a 10 year old, I would have found that quite trying at that age.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/08/2015 13:33

I would not regard his children as family. They aren't and they have a mother.

Your expectations are not wrong but sadly they are different from your partners about how this blended family is going to be.

Most men seem to give great weight to what their DC want and they seem to like saying they have to give in due to their 'crazy ex' often at the expense of their partner.

Be careful blended families can be a minefield.

SugarOnTop · 08/08/2015 14:10

i think he's being inconsiderate and selfish - and so are his kids.

he often seems to make poor decisions regarding his kids as he is scared of losing / upsetting them, after a pretty rocky divorce 10yrs ago, so he's had 10 years to spend quality time with just him/kids and parents on holiday!!!!! As for it being their 'last' holiday together - i bet he has every intention of inviting them on all future holidays you take together.....so i wouldn't be believing all the excuses he's coming out with to justify his behaviour.

As for the kids, putting 'dibs' on bedrooms etc - so they all think they have 'rights' over the home you are buying but then they unanimously decide to deliberately exclude you and your dc from a family holiday just because they don't want you there cramping their style?!!! So you're only considered a part of the family when it suits them? when you are providing for them at your own expense?!

i think your 'd'p is taking the piss out of you to be honest...and giving you shitty excuses because he won't say 'no' to his kids demands. his equity may be tied up in his previous marital home but there's nothing stopping the ex-wife from buying him out or selling up....but hey - why should anybody else in this 'blended family' be inconvenienced in any way but YOU?

i wouldn't be moving him or his brood into your new home just yet. i'd carry on living separately and test out the waters first with regards future holidays/spending etc and see how fairly and considerately you and your dc get treated. At the moment it sounds like you are the one financing and taking on the responsibility of making the changes to create this 'blended family' and they get to just pick and choose which bits they want. it's too one sided for my liking.

UrethraFranklin1 · 08/08/2015 14:34

i think he's being inconsiderate and selfish - and so are his kids

Because their family holidays, and lives, don't revolve around his girlfriend and her kids? Get a hold of yourself.

Ivegottoknow · 08/08/2015 14:42

I agree with sugar. Op is good enough to live with at her expense but not enough to holiday with.

SugarOnTop · 08/08/2015 15:06

Because their family holidays, and lives, don't revolve around his girlfriend and her kids?

whereas the op is expected to revolve her and her dc lives around them and even finance their lifestyle........

UrethraFranklin1 · 08/08/2015 15:17

Nobody lives with her at her expense. She has temporarily moved in with him while she buys her own house, which they may or may not live in at some point. You're making stuff up and then basing daft opinions on it.

OP isn't financing anyone. Or being asked to do anything for his family.

SugarOnTop · 08/08/2015 16:17

You're making stuff up and then basing daft opinions on it absolute bullshit!

maybe you didn't read the op writing:

this new house is deliberately big enough to incorporate his family too, although his equity is tied up with the ex-wife). So all future plans are to move in together permanently

I feel I'm trying to 'build' something here for us ALL and it worries me that a precedent is being set that it's OK to exclude us.... when convenient

Both his teenagers know the future plans, in fact his youngest was coming to viewings with me etc... and 'shot-gunning' their own bedroom etc..

BitOutOfPractice · 08/08/2015 16:31

OP I'm sorry but I think he's done nothing wrong. And that you've decided to make his going away with his family as an affront to you. It's not.

Even if you lived together (which you dont) it doesn't mean you're joined at the hip and anything he does without you is a sleight on you.

mynewpassion · 08/08/2015 16:47

I see nothing wrong either. Its their last hurrah before big changes come their way in the next couple of months. One child going to university, fully blending two lives by moving in together long term, no longer able to relax in own homes away from future step parents or step siblings and blending financial ties.

right now the OP and her partner are separate units. I think its good to spend time with their separate family units.

KatelynB · 08/08/2015 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 08:53

See I don't understand the Ops part about the house.

She has moved in with him until she can move into the new house. But he isn't moving into the new house with her.

She has got a house big enough for them all on purpose to move imo eventually. But he isn't moving in.

So she isn't bankrolling anything for him. I assume he will move in once his equity is out of the house with his ex?

She is choosing to buy a house big enough for them all, even though thy won't all be living there.

It's not a blended family yet. They are two people ina relationship that also have their own kids.

KatelynB · 09/08/2015 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrethraFranklin1 · 09/08/2015 11:34

You don't know that. Did you even read it? All she said was one of the children went to a viewing and said a room could be hers, but for all you know that could be because OP (who lets face it is fairly controlly) was saying "which room do you want, come on, choose".

For all you know they have no intention whatsoever of ever living with her. SHE is buying a house, SHE is talking about moving them all in, SHE is complaining, outraged, that they didn't invite her on a family holiday.

THEY are keeping themselves separate.

KatelynB · 09/08/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 11:44

The OP makes clear that 'future plans are for him to move in permanently'.
She's moving to a bigger house than she would need for her and her daughter on their own, on the assumption that he will move in and his kids will have rooms there.

I don't think we can assume that he's going to contribute equity, it may be that his wife and children will stay in their old house until the youngest leaves home, which will some time away. In which case he may not get any money from the sale of the house until then. Presumably the OP is can afford the mortgage on her own, so will be even be contributing to the mortgage?

I think the whole house issue is much significant than the holiday issue. The latter, in a relationship that was going well would not be a big deal, but in this context may indicate a man focused on his own and his children's interests at the expense of the OP and her daughter.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 11:55

We can't assume he won't either. He may not pay toward the mortagage. She may want an agreement that means, in the event of a split, she keeps the home.

As it stands, the plan is for them to eventually move in together. I have plans that my business will allow me to retire at 55. Thats doesn't mean it will happen.

The latter, in a relationship that was going well would not be a big deal, but in this context may indicate a man focused on his own and his children's interests at the expense of the OP and her daughter.

But the OP is choosing to get a big house, even though she knows he isn't moving in yet. From what the OP said there isn't even an actual plan. Just that they will eventually do it. This is where I am not sure. It sounds to me like she is making plans to move in together, but he doesn't seem to part of those plans, iyswim.

He isn't doing anything at the OPs (or her dds) expense. The OP is doing it.

Personally, if i needed to move but my OH didn't want to make firm plans to move in, I wouldn't be paying a mortgage that will eventually house all of us. I would pick somewhere smaller and more affordable.

UrethraFranklin1 · 09/08/2015 12:21

HER plans are for him to move in. No-one here knows what HIS plans are. But people are assuming a lot.

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