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Original poster

on holiday without us with his kids and parents

74 replies

alsteff · 07/08/2015 11:19

Hi,
This seems a bit trivial compared to what some poor people are going through on here but..........

I've been in a relationship (post divorce) for the past 2yrs, we've been living independently until the end of last month when we moved in together, albeit temporarily whilst my new house becomes available.
(It's probably worth pointing out here, that this new house is deliberately big enough to incorporate his family too, although his equity is tied up with the ex-wife). So all future plans are to move in together permanently.

In April it was announced that he was going on holiday with his kids (15 & 17) and his parents, plus the 17yr old's BF.

I was very anti this plan at the time, as it seemed divisive and really exclusive towards me and my 10yr old daughter. The reasoning behind it went from "it's our last family holiday before DD goes to university" and "we've had such terrible holidays in the past (with his previous ex) that the kids want to go alone".

I feel I get on really well with his kids, there have been no real issues (and I'm sure I'd know if there were!) plus my DD is really relaxed with them, and not demanding in a younger sibling kind of way, that may be expected.

Anyway, here we are stuck at his house whilst they are all away. I had a meltdown about it, a few days before they went - I / we just felt really rejected at a time when we needed to feel loved and included (moving into his house). He said all the right things - about commitment and us all being together as a 'family' in the future etc...

Also, he admitted that it was a poor decision, made at a time prior to us deciding to move in together, and that he shouldn't have listened to his kids (but sadly he often seems to make poor decisions regarding his kids as he is scared of losing / upsetting them, after a pretty rocky divorce 10yrs ago and an ex wife who uses access to the children as a weapon).

After they actually left for the holiday we started feeling more positive about stuff and have tried to fill the week with various activities etc... However, today I feel anger and resentment again, probably because I'm tired but I'm also fed up of people asking why we're not on holiday too and not having a viable explanation to give them.

I'm beginning to wonder that, although I feel that I've forgiven him most of the time, that I haven't really and that this is going to resurface every time I feel tired, emotional etc...etc... That's to say how much damage has this caused and instead of a new beginning together, is this just the beginning of the end?!

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/08/2015 13:41

I think going into a relationship expecting to be doing everything together is unrealistic, especially when you both have children from other relationships. Sometimes you need to take a step back and realise it's not about you at al, it's simply about them and something they need. I'm sure in the future as his children are older and off doing their own thing, you and your DP and your dc will end up on holiday without his dc. Are they supposed to then be upset? Of course not. Everything doesn't always have to be "we all go or nobody goes."

Hissy · 07/08/2015 14:10

"we've had such terrible holidays in the past (with his previous ex) that the kids want to go alone".

There is your reason. They are used to the female in their dads life making things "terrible".

It's not about you, it's about them. Fair or unfair (on you) they are affected by their past.

A 10 year old completely changes the dynamic, and you do have to see that having some more grown up time with their GP And their dad is what they need.

Yours is a very new relationship for them, they see things are changing and perhaps they are regressing a bit for their own feeling of well being.

Having AN Other person there Does change the dynamic, you are being selfish a bit. I understand, but the path is being laid for your lives together, let them have their own family unit get together in the meantime.

Hissy · 07/08/2015 14:12

You and your dd will benefit from some alone time with each other.

Otherwise you are potentially teaching her that life without a man in it is less worthy

Embrace the time you and did have together and go and do special thugs that you both enjoy.

MozzchopsThirty · 07/08/2015 14:16

I don't see an issue really

Me and dp take our dcs on separate holidays, he goes with his, I go with mine.
We holiday together as a couple

You sound quite needy and reliant on him for yours and dds happiness.
Couldn't you have gone away together??

Hissy · 07/08/2015 14:19

Dd not did- sorry, loads of others too, on phone

Joysmum · 07/08/2015 14:35

I don't see it as an issue either. My DH went on holiday with his mum and I opted out do they got time together. I did it because I like time with either only my parents, or just me and my daughter without my DH as they dynamics change the more people there are.

If DH and I never got quality time together but did get quality time with others then we'd both be put out by it, but we've got great balance so that's not an issue for us.

christinarossetti · 07/08/2015 14:51

I don't see it as anyone having the 'right to veto' how their partner spends their time.

Rather that a partnership involves thinking and talking through difficult situations or disagreements, and coming to some sort of mutual agreement or compromise rather than one party going ahead with plans knowing full well that the other party isn't in agreement with them.

Doesn't it?

It sort of doesn't matter if I or anyone else don't see it 'as an issue' - OP does, so it is to her.

UrethraFranklin1 · 07/08/2015 15:34

Rather that a partnership involves thinking and talking through difficult situations or disagreements, and coming to some sort of mutual agreement or compromise rather than one party going ahead with plans knowing full well that the other party isn't in agreement with them.

One partner wants to do something with his family, the other partner doesn't want him to. There is no compromise here, and if he doesn't go ahead because she doesn't like it, how is that not veto power?

She doesn't have to agree to his plans with his children et al. They aren't her plans and have little to do with her.

hampsterdam · 07/08/2015 15:47

I take my ds on holiday without my dh and dss every year. It's something we have always done and I love that time with him. If dh had a meltdown or didn't agree I wouldn't be too pleased about it. He doesn't need to agree with plans I make.

Original poster
alsteff · 07/08/2015 15:53

thanks for all your comments.........even the critical ones are enlightening!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/08/2015 16:01

I think you're being totally unreasonable. I'd would be considering very hard if I wanted to stay in a relationship with someone who was stamping their feet about me going away on holiday with my own children and parents alone.

hesterton · 07/08/2015 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 07/08/2015 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 07/08/2015 16:16

I had a meltdown about it, a few days before they went - I / we just felt really rejected at a time when we needed to feel loved and included (moving into his house)

It's to be hoped you are using the royal 'we', OP, as I wouldn't like to think that you've allowed your feelings of rejection to influence your dd.

You haven't made it clear whether his dc live with hiim/you full time or whether they live with their dm and spend weekends/holidays with their df?

If it's the latter, I would suggest you encourage him to take his teenage dc on an annual vacation as it won't be long before they'll want to holiday independently with their pals, If it's the former this will afford you opportunity to have quality time with your dd at home or with your df by the sea.

Instead of clinging on to festering resentments that could mar your relationships with him/his dc/his dps, be proactive about turning this into a win-win situation for all concerned because, in truth, that's what it is.

Spartans · 07/08/2015 16:18

I think you are in the wrong here.

You don't live together, you are staying there and moving out again. He wants to go on holiday with his kids and parents. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

If you were all living together as a family, I could maybe understand. But you don't

Happytuesdays99 · 07/08/2015 16:22

I don't see any issue with what he is doing. This is what happens when post divorce relationships come along. I can see why you might feel left out but you should keep doing things with your daughter. It's doesn't always have to be blended family and nothing else is ok

cuckooflamingo · 07/08/2015 16:29

I honestly don't see what he's done wrong. Totally fair enough for him to want a holiday with just his kids and parents. If he had insisted to his kids that you were coming too whether they liked it or not, that would have built up a lot of resentment from them towards you, surely? Why don't you book a last minute thing with just you and your DD?

christinarossetti · 07/08/2015 16:39

Well, OP, I'm pretty much a lone voice on this thread, so I shall bow out.

Although I do think you should give hesterton's advice some thought.

This is likely to affect all co-habiting, financial and other family decisions here on in. You mention in your OP that he often makes poor decisions in relation to his children - I would be very wary about merging homes/finances etc for quite some time tbh.

Atenco · 07/08/2015 16:48

I don't think it that unreasonable actually. My dd loves her father's wife but sometimes when they are visiting, she gets fed up that the wife is always around and never lets them have one-to-one time.

yearofthegoat · 07/08/2015 16:54

My 16YO and 19YO enjoy banter and laughs with their DF and would find it hard to share that with a 10YO, even a mature one.

So I also think YABU about the holiday. However the bedroom situation needs sorting out carefully, especially if you are financing the house.

Offred · 07/08/2015 17:01

The kids are not likely to be 'children of the family' until you are permanently living together which at the very least means the oldest child is never going to be a child of the family at all. You have not decided to live together as a family atm it is just an arrangement of convenience therefore I don't see the issue with him continuing to behave as a single dad as this is the least confusing thing for the DC.

It's really sad for you to feel left out and left behind but if you moved in with a friend during the house change I'm sure you wouldn't expect to be going on their family holiday. It's difficult and confusing for you because of the feelings involved in living with your partner temporarily and not as a family.

Until you are living together as a family the most appropriate thing to do with the DC is not behave as a family IMO. Is it not a bit confusing for your 10year old to move in with him then move out again? Especially since you seem to also be a bit confused about what the arrangement is right now.

Offred · 07/08/2015 17:07

And I agree that if my BF, who I don't live with, tried to veto me booking a holiday with my children it would not stop me doing it. It might make me question what on earth I was doing with him. I'd maybe be more understanding of he'd moved in temporarily between houses but I'd still think he was totally out of order to expect to be involved in decisions about my holidays or my children.

Offred · 07/08/2015 17:09

Is it perhaps a boundary thing? I'd also be pretty offended by a partner's children picking a room in my house. Does he thinks that's an acceptable thing for his DC to do but it's not acceptable for you to not be allowed to be involved with his family?

BoboChic · 07/08/2015 17:10

OP - not all holidays have to be "all family" holidays.

hampsterdam · 07/08/2015 17:18

Nor sure what the relavance of living together or not has in this case. Even living together doesn't give one partner veto power over the others plans. Maybe your living arrangements are making you feel insecure but that doesn't put what your dp has done in the wrong if you like it or not.