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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He disappeared on Tuesday. Seems my life has been a lie.

59 replies

Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 10:03

I hope no one minds me posting here but I really can't bring myself to tell anyone in real life, I feel so ashamed and humiliated Sad
He Everything seemed so perfect, he moved in 6 months ago, yet on Tuesday he went out asked me to meet him a few hours later and never showed up, he rang me an hour after he left to make sure I was still meeting him and he told me he loved me, I haven't heard anything since.
I've since found out that literally everything he ever said to me was a lie, even down to where he worked and showing me fake wage slips.

I found out where he really works, but he left his job on Tuesday and hasn't been back, he told them the same morning.

He has left everything he owns and his work keys, I've been to every address I had for him yesterday, and just kept finding out more lies, I'm far from the first woman he's done this too.

Yet I just want answers and I know I'll never get them, if I do it'll all be a lie. I miss him so much and I hate myself for that, I haven't eaten since, everytime I fall asleep I wake up with him on my mind.
It's so difficult not knowing anything or if he's even safe. I feel so stupid that I didn't find out sooner and for the fact I can't stop thinking about him.

It's my 30th birthday on Monday and we was meant to be going on holiday with my dc, I'm still going to take them but I'm dreading it.
Will I ever stop asking why?
Sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out Sad

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 07/08/2015 11:22

I would think he has either realised he can't fleece you for anything, he has already fleeced you, ie debts in your name? or someone from his past has caught up with him and he needs to vanish fast.

cozietoesie · 07/08/2015 11:28

No - your life wasn't a lie. He was. What a specimen.

Check everything with a fine tooth comb as pp have said, including checking your credit report online. Treat the practicalities as if you had had a person of low integrity living with you - which you did, sadly.

Do the DC know yet? And did you phone 101?

Original poster
Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 12:58

My dc do know my dd is 11 and devastated, my ds is 9 and doesn't seem to bothered.
My mum is coming to stay for awhile later, and is going to help me go through everything and pack his stuff up too.
He made me come off fb, so I've gone back on that and msged one of his good friends to ask if he's heard anything.
My head says I should just give up trying to find him, wish my heart would catch up.

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 07/08/2015 13:19

He made you come off Facebook? Made you ? He sounds nice ...

You're well rid. Be on high alert regarding security. Sounds like something from his past has caught up with him and he's had to do a quick flit.

Awful for you - please be wary and take care

juneau · 07/08/2015 13:24

Don't leave the house unattended until you've got those locks changed. I'm sure he'll want to come back for his personal papers and passport at some point and once he's got himself set up elsewhere he might just help himself to stuff of yours too. Make sure your windows and back door, etc are locked too.

Nonnainglese · 07/08/2015 13:29

Hate to say it but if he's taken nothing perhaps he's intending to take his own life...........have you notified the police he's missing?

Obviously I sincerely hope that this isn't the case but I have experienced this sadly happening.

Aussiemum78 · 07/08/2015 13:38

He probably made you go off FaceBook so no one from his past could warn you what he might do.

I'd be talking to the police...if he's a serial con artist he might be fleeing an arrest warrant.

OddBoots · 07/08/2015 13:49

Do to check your credit history with someone like experian in case he has used your address for loans etc.

goddessofsmallthings · 07/08/2015 13:49

How shocking to find out that everything you believed about him was based on his lies. He clearly planned his departure and the fact that he also abruptly left his 'real' job on Tuesday suggests that there may be further discoveries to come.

What is his medication for? Have you reported him missing to the police?

Have you thoroughly checked to make sure that nothing of value is missing from your home? If there was anything he overlooked or forgot when he left, I suspect he would have taken the opportunity to return at the time you were travelling to/hanging around the venue where he asked you to meet him.

In years to come you will view this extremely upsetting situation as evidence of a narrow escape, but all you can do at the present time is secure your home and your finances, be very kind to yourself, and do your best to make your holiday enjoyable for your dc - even though it may be last thing you want at the moment, you will hopefully benefit from a change of scene and it may help to stop some of the thoughts that are constantly churning around in your head.

Cake by way of advance Happy Birthday greetings to you, honey. 30 is a great age for consigning negative life experiences to the bin and resolving to make the next 10 years memorable for their positivity.

Original poster
Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 14:39

He's on meds for a heart condition which I at least know is true from going to hospital appointments with him.
I am really worried now as his best friend has rang me and he's heard nothing from him either, he's really worried. Part of me feels stupid for worrying but then what if he has done something? I'm going to report him missing.
Thank you for all your kind words.

OP posts:
nonameatall01 · 07/08/2015 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/08/2015 16:47

I would say that, since you know he didn't kill himself on at least the last two and probably several more occasions he did the same disappearing act, it's most unlikely that he will do so now. Of course he made you come off Facebook; couldn't risk too many people recognising him from your photos/descriptions, could he? As for your feelings, you've just abruptly lost someone you loved so of course you're shocked and sad. The fact that you've lost them because it turned out they didn't exist, in a manner of speaking, doesn't make it any better in the short term.

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/08/2015 17:22

Hi op

Sorry this is happening to you, is there a chance he's been arrested at all and is in a cell somewhere you think?
Thanks

HoldYerWhist · 07/08/2015 17:27

Are the bank going to issue new cards etc?

I'm so sorry. But you need to make sure you look after the practicalities, especially since you have the dc to consider.

Also,he knows you're going away so can you get someone to house sit?

Original poster
Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 17:51

I haven't reported him, I've told his friend if he does he could pass on my details. His friend has contacted all his friends but no-one has heard anything and he said he hasn't spoken to his family for years either.
Have cancelled my cards, changed all my passwords and having my locks changed in a bit.
I feel like I should let go now, I know I won't see him again and if I do, he'll just tell me more lies.
I just wish I could stop thinking constantly, my head is a mess Sad

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 07/08/2015 18:06

Hmm. Presumably the friend knows what he's like. Could he be covering for him?

Tooooooohot · 07/08/2015 18:10

Please consider this as the relationship as over, and make plans to get his stuff out of your house before you go on holiday, so you can go away, sort yourself out and come back to a new home without him and his shit.

cocobean2805 · 07/08/2015 18:42

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, he sounds like a heartless conman.

My concern would be, if you are going away next week and he is aware of this, even if you have the locks changed, is he above breaking a window to gain entry? Have you got a neighbour or family member who can either stay in the house or routinely check on it? I don't mean to add extra worry onto your already troubled mind but I'd be concerned he would break in and take valuables while the house is empty.

If you can, confide in somebody IRL, you are not at fault here, he is a bastard, I'm so sorry, and happy birthday for Monday. Flowers

Original poster
Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 19:05

I hadn't thought about his friend, I can see he's put his pic on some fb groups asking if anyone has seen him.
I've put half his stuff in bin bags, will do the rest once I've got the dc in bed. I think I need to get angry, I'm trying so hard too then I'll just break down again.
Luckily my sister lives opposite so she can watch my house for me.
I have to be strong for my dc, there dad isn't around either, so they really only have me, as much as I'm hurting at the moment, I need to get over this for them.
Thanks thank you for the birthday wishes.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 07/08/2015 19:37

Op, if he's a clasic conman then tbh he's not very good at it. disappearing without trace yet he has done all this before under the same name? His usual name? Confused I find it incredible that you were able to track down previous women plus his family so quickly. How did you manage to do that?

Did you never question where his family were before? meet any of his friends?

Original poster
Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 19:50

I went to the address on his prescription, because he hadn't changed it. It was one of his exes. I've met a couple of his friends but he never seemed very sociable, when he wasn't at work he was at home. He's been nc with his family so didn't think that part was strange no.

OP posts:
13months · 07/08/2015 20:03

What did he do to the exes? Did he do a specific fraud ? - You need to find out as he is likey to do the same one again to you. Would all the fleeced exes go with you to the police?

cozietoesie · 07/08/2015 20:09

Did you phone 101? If not, you should - if only to report him missing and express your concern. (And if you should happen to have to drop a few other things into the conversation - well that's the way the cookie crumbles.)

wannaBe · 07/08/2015 20:12

tbh I would report him missing at this stage. He doesn't actually sound very bright given that he doesn't make any attempts to cover his tracks.

How long had you been together? Did you ever go to his place before he moved in?

Original poster
Breezy1985 · 07/08/2015 20:16

She ended there joint tax credits claim, then he reopened it, he left her house with nothing too, he left her with so much debt. Then he owes a woman he used to work with up until Tuesday hundreds too, she ordered a phone for him a few weeks ago and he gave it to me, I've given her it back, literally everything he's ever said to me, his work colleagues and his ex is all based on lies. I don't think anything of what he said was actually true, yet he seemed so knowledgeable. It's like he actually believed everything coming out of his mouth, and he'd never slip up either.

OP posts:
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