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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Advice really needed please!!!

27 replies

Loobylou8 · 06/08/2015 00:24

Hi there everyone, I need some advice please, I'm in a gay relationship with a women, I've been with her for nearly four years now, she has two children one dd 17 and ds 16 I have a ds 11, I have already been in an abusive relationship with my exh and I got out after 20 years of suffering, the relationship I'm in now is a lovely one most of the time, but my partner takes the side of her two children over me most of the time, her ds has autism and asbergers he is highly intelligent, he never shows any respect to me he speaks to me like dirt sometimes, but never to his mum, her dd is the same too, she speaks to me however she wants too, but if my ds dare speaks to her or her two children in that way he get shouted out by them all, my partners ds takes it upon himself to tell my ds off for petty stuff, gets him in trouble, I try not to make anything of it, my partner shouts at him and says well this is how I would of treated my children if they done that, and you have done the same to my two children ( when I haven't ) my friends have said that she is very strict with my ds, he has ADHD but he is a kind, loving gentle well mannered son, and lots of people have told me how proud I should be of him ( and I am very proud of him ) I feel that I have to stay with my partner as she is disabled and can hardly walk, when we are out she uses an electric wheelchair, she has got a heart of gold and would do anything for anybody, but it's the way she speaks to me and never believes what I say, her two children can never do any wrong, my friend said to me the other day...can you carry on living the way you are for the rest of your life, walking on eggshells, scared incase I say the wrong thing or my son does something wrong. Please help me with advice Sad xx

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 06/08/2015 00:45

Just because the relationship is better than your last one, doesn't mean you have to stay in it.
Is your heart telling you you need to leave?

PoundingTheStreets · 06/08/2015 00:49

YANBU to be unhappy. Sad

Personally, if it were me in your shoes, I'd leave. You don't owe it to your DP to remain because she's in a wheelchair, and actually that could be considered quite insulting to her.

You both have DC and you both owe it to your DC to put them first because of their additional needs. Right now, it doesn't seem like you can do that and still maintain a relationship with each other that is based on understanding and respect. All you're doing is clashing with each other's parenting styles.

To me, your relationship actually sounds quite emotionally abusive towards you and your DS, but I accept that this may be simply because of your perception of events as a result of your own unhappiness and torn loyalty. Either way, it's certainly not healthy for you or for your DS.

I think I'd consider family therapy if you're really determined to make a go of things, but otherwise I'd be calling an end to it.

goddessofsmallthings · 06/08/2015 00:58

she has got a heart of gold and would do anything for anybody except, it seems, you and your ds.

You've gone from a male abuser to a female one, honey.

Please leave this toxic woman and her equally poisonous dc before irreparable psychological harm is done to your ds.

As she has 2 almost adult dc and can get around independently in her electric wheelchair, you need have no fear that she won't manage without you and you need have no guilt by doing the right thing by your ds and putting his needs above whatever fond feelings you have for your, hopefully, stbx.

Zillie77 · 06/08/2015 01:05

Does she have a heart of gold? It doesn't sound like she does!!

9171nannyplum · 06/08/2015 01:12

Ur poor son...can't be good for him...u need to stand up for ur son. She sounds horrible!

Original poster
Loobylou8 · 06/08/2015 09:24

I do stand up for my son, but on occasions she will over power me and I can't do anything, her dd is so called 'normal' she has no disabilities but her attitude towards me is not the same as her mum, she rarly helps around the house and when I do ask she moans. When I first met my dp she was walking but had problems with her back and over the years it's got worse, I am worried about what this is doing to my ds but I know deep down he loves her he sees no wrong, its hard to follow my heart cos some days it tells me to leave and other times to stay.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 06/08/2015 09:33

Why would you stay with someone who is abusive to your ds. You owe it to him to be able to grow up without fear of being abused.

spudlike1 · 06/08/2015 09:46

You are I another abusive relationship , but this time you have 3 abusers .
I'm so sorry
Assertiveness training, counselling, therapy , whatever it takes to change this pattern .
Put your son and yourself first, find some space to make the break
Goodluck

butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 09:48

The only acceptable level of abuse is zero. Going from a level 9 to a 5, or whatever, is still abuse.

And I think you need to remove your DC from this situation. Do it for them, if not for yourself.

And do the freedom programme too, if you haven't already.

pocketsaviour · 06/08/2015 10:01

I am worried about what this is doing to my ds but I know deep down he loves her he sees no wrong

Honey, you're kidding yourself. Think about what you're saying here:
"My son is treated unfairly by this woman, but he loves her so it's okay."

You are the adult here and have choices. Your son doesn't. Put him first and get out of this relationship.

Original poster
Loobylou8 · 06/08/2015 11:25

I done the freedom programme when I left my exh, it was very helpful, I also had counselling for a year, I thought I had found the perfect partner for me and my ds and never go down the same road again, but it has crept up on me, most days my dp is the nicest person you could meet, but i have noticed how she will treat her ds different to my ds, when my ds goes to bed he will go to give my dp a hug and a kiss but there is nothing back, nothing shown, yet when her ds goes to give her a kiss and a hug, she puts her arms out kisses him, says she loves him, now my ds is picking up on it and saying why is mummy like that with me, it breaks my heart, I have asked my dp about it and she turns it all on to my ds or she says well my ds needs to be shown how to love people etc etc because of his disabilities, but he knows how to show it I know that for a fact. When her ds does anything wrong and I speak to her about it she nearly always blames his condition, but when my ds does something wrong and I dare to say it's because of his condition, ( which 9/10 it is as I'm trying to teach him how to help himself etc ) she says well my ds is worse than your ds at least yours can be medicated. I can't win, but it's so hard for me to pluck up the courage to leave, I would feel so guilty of leaving her knowing she can't do a lot of stuff for herself, I came close to leaving her a few months ago, but she said if I left she would take all her tablets her morphine and end it all now.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/08/2015 11:28

I'd be out of there like a rocket. She managed without you before, she'll manage again. You have no obligation whatsoever to these people, you really don't.

chocolatechip123 · 06/08/2015 11:33

Sorry - but I feel that your child is your priority here. He's at that delicate age when he is learning about trust, relationships and what's ok (and not). He needs his mum and he needs a stable home life.

Don't stay for the wrong reasons.

mummytime · 06/08/2015 11:35

Suicide threats are quite often used by abiussive people if you threaten to leave them.

Plan to leave, and get everything in order.
Then leave, and if she threatens suicide - let the police know.
Is she really that selfish that she would do that to her children just "to punish" you?
Whatever get yourself and your son out.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/08/2015 11:40

Why are you not feeling guilty about putting your son through this. Stay and your ds will eventually leave.

butterflygirl15 · 06/08/2015 12:02

so she threatens suicide if you leave? If she does that again call the police and let them take care of her.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/08/2015 12:53

Abuser always use emotional blackmail when a relationship is ending.
This just goes to show how abusive she actually is.
What your son is learning now could damage him for years to come.
Don't be 'that' parent, that stays at the detriment of her poor son.
Make your exit plan and leave.
She is NOT your responsibility. Your son is!!

KittensOnAPlane · 06/08/2015 12:58

my first thought on her threat to take pills, would be to reply with "well dont make me want to leave"

You are important, your DCs are important, look after you and them, and allow her to stay if she can treat you like a human

sending a hug xx

spudlike1 · 06/08/2015 19:07

What damage is this woman causing to your son ...even more so if as you say he loves her .
My grandmother was like this inconsistent love to different grandchildren. .The damage will be life long ....your son is more important

Original poster
Loobylou8 · 07/08/2015 23:29

Thanks for all your advice ladies, I have lots of things to think about and sort out, I know my ds comes first, he's going to his dad's for two weeks from tomorrow, at least life will be a bit more normal for him, (his dad is good with him, just me he was abusive to) thanks again everyone, I'll keep you all posted xx

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 07/08/2015 23:55

She is an adult and not your reaponsibility. Eapecially when she is so disrespectful towards you.

Original poster
Loobylou8 · 08/08/2015 03:53

Oliversmumsarmy... I do feel guilty about what my ds is going through, it's all I think about, how I've let him down again by going through another abusive relationship, I feel so alone at times even though I have some very good close friends who I know are there and would help me at the drop of a hat, but I still find it hard to make that final break/split from my dp, I know this sounds really weak and pathetic of me but when I think about going my dp is really nice towards me and my ds and I think well maybe she's going to change, we have a good few days lots of laughing and all is well, then it goes wrong again at the drop of a hat sometimes for no reason and I think right that's it I'm going and then it all changes again to being good again, this is where I really struggle with confidence about coping on my own, I know in my heart I can cope but my head then tells me I can't manage without my dp, and that's why I stay again. I'm also scared to tell her I'm leaving cos I know she will make it all out to be my fault and make me feel the bad person, I need to find the strength and courage from somewhere. xx

OP posts:
AnotherTimeMaybe · 08/08/2015 04:05

Your son will start to hate you at some point .... Be careful ! Figure out what's more important to you, your boy or her and her dcs
This will not get better so be strong and make a decision soon for the sake of your boy

DiscoDiva70 · 08/08/2015 04:54

Of course your dp reverts to being nice to you when you sometimes get on the verge of leaving, she does this because she senses that you've had enough and so in turn she pulls out all of her so called 'nice qualities ' so that you change your mind and stay.
She's manipulating you!
How can you possibly have a good relationship with her when she is clearly showing you that she thinks nothing of your ds? or you for that matter?

As for the suicide threat, I believe this is purely another tactic of hers to stop you leaving and, in all reality she would have no intention of carrying this threat out. If you're worried though, then as others have said inform the police.
Seriously, you need to get out of this destructive relationship.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/08/2015 08:40

What you are saying op, if you haven't realised how it is coming across to your to us and at some point to your ds is, that although you love your ds and feel some guilt towards your him, you love your dp more and want to keep the relationship going at all costs.

Despite your hand wringing about what to do you are putting your ds second. He will realise this at some point and then you will have lost everything. I wouldn't be surprised that at that point your dp asks you to leave then you will have lost everything.

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