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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband decided he wants to end relationship and move out

80 replies

mummyalways · 05/08/2015 11:39

Im a bit numb at the moment and not sure where to turn. My husband of 11 years has decided to end our relationship and move out. We have two beautiful children ages 8 and 6. We moved to Norfolk from London a year ago for his job, i had to quit mine but we decided me staying at home would be a good choice as i wanted more time with the children after missing out on so much and he encouraged this choice, it was a really big step as we had no family or friends here, i found a job working with children just 2 hours a day which helped go towards the bilss but was really just so i could keep busy. We are very happy here we bought a lovely house and our quality of life is much better than before and i thought we were happy. It became apparent a couple of months ago that he was not getting on with his boss - he hates to talk about work with me so i dont know the details, always says he needs to switch off when he gets home.
He came to me and said he had been offered a job back in london that was too good of an opportunity to turn down, it was a lot more money and he said it was only monday to friday so he could come home on the weekends, after much talk i agreed he needed to be happy in his job and if this was what he needed to do i would support it as long as he came home at the weekends.
He found a room to let and has been there for two months, hes been distant so i put this down to being away from us for a week at a time. The last month he says to make a good impression he has had to stay and work weekends which was not great but i had to be ok with this. Last week i going through our bank statements i found £50 spent on flowers, i casually mentioned this to him but he said they were for a client and i didn't make a fuss and laughed off my suspicion and joked because he never buys me flowers as he doesn't agree with money being spent on them. Hes been rushing through our phone call in the evening because he has to take out clients for dinners - i would understand this but he been going out alot and the frequency doesn't fit with the norm of his job. i realise i must be sounding like a jealous wife and i guess i was being but i didn't voice this to him just silently had the arguments in my head.
We have been happy no real arguments at all - my suspicions surfaced because he has been unfaithful before something he would never admit to but i had all the evidence, i did decided to stay with him because i loved him and wanted to try for the children.
So last friday he sends me a txt message (i know, coward after 11 years a text msg) completely out of the blue saying he just not happy anymore and wants to move out, i was numb with shock and then angry when he wouldn't answer the phone. He just sent me more messages telling me there was no point talking..i mean how am i supposed to know what i've done wrong!!! i tried to access his online banking (i do this all the time so i can transfer money to my account as all the household bills come out of my account) but he had changed the passwords. i messaged him to ask him to put the money for the bills into my account as they had already come out and i was going into my overdraft. mine and his savings stay in his (i know stupid mistake on my part but its been this way 11 years). He said he was not going to transfer money because he needed to save to find somewhere of his own to live and that i needed to seek advice on claiming benefits. im honestly at a loss, im heartbrken and im so angry now all the tears have gone, i save them for bedtime :( i have no family or good friends here and im embarrassed to call them. i guess im hoping he having some sort of mid life crisis and will change his mind and that really he has not been cheating on me.

OP posts:
Joy69 · 05/08/2015 20:10

Big hugs. Your husband makes mine look a good catch & he's a prize plonker ????.
No advice as such as I'm still wading through stuff, but just to say you CAN do this! Please talk to family / friends. It is hard at first, but you need them to vent to & to tell you it'll be ok.
Remember you are a strong, intelligent lady & he is a weak childlike coward. You will be happy when this is over & he'll still be searching for whatever makes him happy, as men like this arw never happy with their lot. x

Lacoba66 · 05/08/2015 20:36

I have let the OP know via PM, that if she needs any benefit advice, then I am happy to offer advice (12 years of doing it, and God I love the sound of Vivaldi- waiting music) I also am in Norfolk. I have no help to offer on the other legal stuff, but I am happy to help and keep it anon ( just in case OP is worried).

tefloncoated · 05/08/2015 20:42

If he has parents still living, ring them & tell them. If they are reasonable people they may put pressure on him to do the right thing financially.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 05/08/2015 20:43

Awful, just awful; I can't read and run.

Urgent legal advice, agree to nothing unless you've ran it through your adviser.

Sorry to say, but I'd think it highly likely there is an OW.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've experienced, what an utter bastard to you and your children.

PoundingTheStreets · 05/08/2015 23:00

If you're not by nature the 'get even' type, I wouldn't bother trying. Instead, I think you'd probably find it easier to handle by adopting a brisk polite but business-like tone. Refuse to discuss anything other than necessary arrangements regarding children and finances.

For all that we tie it up with notions of love and fidelity, ultimately, marriage is a business contract. He broke the contract. Therefore a penalty is incurred and he has lost the right to expect you to honour the terms you agreed on in the past. You are now negotiating a new, post-separation contract and everything is up for grabs.

Good luck. He's behaved appallingly. Flowers Flowers

moonriverandme · 05/08/2015 23:16

Mummy, so sorry for your situation. Your husband is showing you who he is, believe him. Tell someone you trust in real life and get good legal advice, do not listen to him he is only bothered about himself not you. His behaviour is disgusting. Take care. Flowers

Oblique27 · 05/08/2015 23:37

You know, till MN I would not have believed people could stoop as low as your OH, mummy . Truly horrible that he can act like this to you and your children, thinking of you and I hope the advice from others, wiser than me, will help. Angry on your behalf.

WellWhoKnew · 05/08/2015 23:50

Hello lovely. A total and utter shock for you, I'm sure. As someone who is surviving a similar experience, you might find some of the advice below helpful in getting through the brutal first few weeks when you don't know which way is up.

Firstly, tell as many people as you can as quickly as you can. You might feel like a beacon of humiliation, but right now you need to get a support team in place. This includes neighbours (you barely know!), friends in London, family etc. You'll be utterly astonished in the coming weeks at who rallies around to help you. You're going to need it but it will give you your first understanding that there are a ton of decent people in the world. No one will laugh at you, most will be trying to find ways to hep you in some way. Your husband is not one of them. More likely, he's a schemer, a liar, and quite possibly a cheat.

Get yourself to a solicitor's as quickly as you can. This feels like an act of treachery, however, he's already controlling the money and leaving you high and dry. His next step will be to talk about his rights. He will omit to acknowledge you have any. Don't panic if you suddenly discover he's removed all the documents from your home and you haven't noticed. If you don't think you can face this right now, can I just point out that seeing a solicitor is not a commitment to divorce - merely getting yourself an education. Likewise, head off to the CAB to check you're getting all the benefits you can.

Thirdly, it really isn't you that's done anything wrong. You might think otherwise, but you haven't. You will agonise over 'why' and 'what you could have done differently'. The only thing you could have done differently is not marry him in the first place.

Next, I'll say it although I don't think any of us have managed this: eat well, sleep frequently and get out and about as much as possible. Best not turn to the alcohol either...A GP can advise you on any suitable medicine to help anxiety, sleep disorders etc. In a few months time, ask for counselling (it's probably too soon right now to really benefit from it).

Finally, I'm not going to lie to you - this is a shocking experience and you'll experience emotions you didn't even realise someone was capable of feeling. They don't last forever. I promise you that. You will also learn you're a much more able, resilient, stronger person than you realised. It's just such a dreadful way of learning that about yourself.

bobs123 · 05/08/2015 23:51

Just adding my support and sympathy mummyalways and yes he's a twat. you've done well to sort the council tax and tax credits. Once you've seen a solicitor hopefully you can put in for interim spousal maintenance while you get the finance sorted, and your solicitor can either give him 2 weeks to start paying maintenance, or you go straight to CMS - and they can take it from him if he doesn't pay. As for him getting the house - hahahaha.

One important thing - don't believe anything he tells you.

Good luck Flowers

Binit · 06/08/2015 00:00

What an evil piece of shit.

Is there somewhere (like your hometown) that you could move to in order to get some support?

Definitely don't sign anything or make any agreements. Half the house belongs to you.

chinam · 06/08/2015 00:01

This is one of the worst things I've read here. Op, tell your family and friends. You will need their support. Then get yourself the best solicitor you can and get everything you are intitled to. Take care of yourself.

dollius · 06/08/2015 06:53

Get thee to a lawyer pronto and TELL EVERYONE. Tell his family what he has done, they may weigh in. If this was my son, I would be absolutely livid with him and would be doing everything I could to support his wife.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 06/08/2015 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChocolateDidIt · 06/08/2015 10:17

You poor thing OP. Right, time to get the bastard. Great advice on here and, for you, a quick google search, Norfolk is a hotbed of logistics jobs availability and I also saw a civil service job based out of Norwich. What was your specialism?

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/08/2015 11:29

I really didn't want to read this thread...your story is almost identical to mine, I am so sorry, you poor thing. I know how awful this is and the pain that goes with it.

On a practical level, your husband is completely deluded. WWK has given you all the advice I would and she has helped me endlessly. You must see a solicitor as urgently as possible. He cannot walk away from two children and his paying the mortgage does not give him the right to the house at the end of it. What planet is he on?

I am sure others have mentioned Women's Aid and Rights of Women. CAB were amazing helping me get my benefits in place. Your husband needs to realise this doesn't happen overnight. Can you contact his parents and put them in the picture? I haven't read the whole thread but I imagine all of this has been brought up.

I promise you it gets better. I am two years down the line but our lives are so improved simply by the removal of my unfaithful, cruel and thoroughly evil husband. I never thought I would say that.

KOKO Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/08/2015 11:38

Also it is imperative that you contact the mortgage company, all your utility suppliers, my husband cut them all off before he left and stopped paying the mortgage. I now get the interest covered by SMI. I am a carer for my autistic son so needed to keep my house.

I can also tell you that having dragged my husband through the courts by myself, self representing, I won 100% of the marital assets and a joint lives nominal order. He can fuck off with how he's treated us and yours can fuck off too.

Don't sign anything, don't listen to ANYTHING he says. ANYTHING. Please please listen to what everybody is telling you. He is way ahead of you on this and will blindside you at every opportunity.

You MUST tell everybody, family, friends, his employers if you have to. Everybody. You will be amazed at the support you get! xx

bobs123 · 06/08/2015 12:50

I would like to add also that what posters have written might sound harsh and make for uncomfortable reading. However a lot of them have gone through this and we all know it is much easier to be objective about other peoples' situations than our own.

Artio · 06/08/2015 13:05

Have been thinking of you op. To echo what others have said, your husband doesn't get to pay the mortgage and keep the house. He's either woefully misinformed, or he knows this and that's why he doesn't want you to tell people like the mortgage company. It must feel awful and terribly final to be seeing a solicitor, and in your position I'm sure I'd be hoping the husband I knew and loved would come to his senses before I had to, but unfortunately you need to hold on to that anger and protect yourself and your kids and get help now.

pointythings · 06/08/2015 16:51

I have nothing to add except that you should listen to WellWhoKnew and MrsC - they are experts who have been there. Follow their advice and you will come out the other side of this, and your scumbucket H won't know what hit him.

paddymcgintysmum · 06/08/2015 19:41

Hope you're bearing up today mummyalways. I think you've been given good advice from others here so wish to add my own.

Yes off to solicitors for 30 mins free, maybe try three to see who you like.

The financial side of divorce, children excluded, is a barter from my experience. So before seeing a solicitor, ask yourself what you want and your first reactions at the devastating news may tell you.

If it was OMG, the children will never live in this house for ever and I love it, then maybe barter the FMH for a % of his pension.

Depends what you want and so instruct solicitor.

Sweetsecret · 06/08/2015 21:21

This is so horrendous, just regarding the benefits get applying now, it took 12 weeks for me to receive anything after my H left me and stopped paying bills, I too gave up work to look after the kids. get on it now.
what a bastard, I am so sorry he has done this to you.Sad

whyMe2014 · 06/08/2015 22:25

So sorry you're going through this. I can only echo what WWK and MrsC have said. Tell people what's happened - you will be surprised just how many others out there have been through this. Flowers

Hepzibar · 06/08/2015 23:04

I have only got one thing to say - take the advice of WellWhoKnew.

I wish I had the support of MN when I was in a similar position to you OP. It was years ago and I had never heard of mumsnet.

Your DH is miles ahead of you, in both emotional and financial. You need to catch up. Quick.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/08/2015 23:14

OP, if you need to talk to somebody who has been in exactly your shoes, then please PM me and I will be happy to phone you and give you some advice and guidance. Please post back and let us know how things are. WWK and I have both seen the really vicious side of divorce and she has been an amazing support to me. We will do our best to help if you get in touch!

LadyB49 · 07/08/2015 01:36

I wouldn't hesitate to get school uniforms on his credit card. They are his children. And also get anything.g else that's needed for them, or yourself. Until child payments and monies/bills.