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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Threatening to come to my work

49 replies

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 09:32

I am so fed up. I split up with my ex almost a year ago. We had a rubbish relationship and I texted an ex and he found out. I know I shouldn't have been texting other men but there was a lot going on in the relationship and I should have just ended it straight out.

Anyway in the last year although he has moved out we are still so tangled up. He treats me appallingly but I just can't seem to get rid of him. I don't have the strength to stand up to him. I just let him walk all over me for an easy life and part of me still loves him. Or the him that he was when we first met. We keep sleeping together which I know has to stop. We have a child together too.

There had been abuse, verbal, emotional and some violence although to be fair I gave as good as I got. There has been no violence for the last few months.

Anyway I have told him I want him to leave me alone and now he is threatening to come to my work. I don't know what to do. He has already messaged two of my male colleagues on Facebook giving the abuse. I have worked in my job a long time, I am good at it and he is going to ruin it. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying. My main boss is visiting the office today too. I am a grown adult I don't want drama at my work. I could get sacked!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 09:37

Ring the police and ask them to have a word.

I don't think you're going to have much choice as things will just escalate and hide your friends list so only mutual friends show and block him on Facebook.

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 09:38

This is not totally out of your control. Grab it by the nuts and get him reigned in.

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 09:40

I cant block him on facebook because that is how we communicate about our son. I have took him off my friends list and set my privacy high though.

I don't want to ring the police and escalate things but I feel like I m8ight not have any choice the way he is going

OP posts:

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 09:45

He has agreed not to come to my work now until I have finished but said if I am not here he will cause murder. I am sick of this. I just want a quiet life.

OP posts:

JumpingJack56 · 05/08/2015 09:47

Do your work know about the situation with your ex? Either way (and I have been in this situation myself with an ex of mine) speak to your superior as soon as you can today and give them an outline of the situation and explain he is now making steps to come to work and that your scared for if he does show up and would like the police ringing if it happens.

In terms of breaking away from him emotionally-the first step is always the hardest but it does get easier and isn't as scary as it seems. Stop sleeping with him-it's not helping your already low self esteem and is continuing to give him power over you. Block his number from your phone and set up a email account just for correspondence from him-send one email stating that from now on contact with you is to be solely about arrangements for your child, this is the only topic you will response to him about and that any further threats of violence or intimidation will be passed on to the local police. Contact woman's aid for support, and a solicitor to formalise arrangements for your ex to have supervised contact with your child outside of the home in a contact centre without access to you. It may also be worth enquiring about a restraining order too. Had any of the violence been recorded by the police?

you can do it, your stronger than you feel-you just need the support around you.

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 09:48

go to the police honestly - what other choice do you have? He is abusing your colleagues now. And do block him on FB. There will have to be another way to communicate. And if he is that abusive contact centre only.

FredaMayor · 05/08/2015 09:48

OP, you could get another cheap phone and keep that for communications with your ex. Change your main number (which he must not know) and block him from FB. Please contact the police about the threat of harassment/intimidation, they will understand your fears. The secret would seem to be out at your work already and I think your colleagues will sympathise and support you.

turningchunker · 05/08/2015 09:48

you could easily block him on facebook, just find an alternative way to communicate. set up an alternative email address which you only use to communicate with him and use that.

call the police, it is harassment and he will be spoken to.

scandichick · 05/08/2015 09:48

Do you have any security at work? Can you give them a heads-up that you have a troublesome ex who might come looking for you?

It's absolutely not your fault that he's an idiot, if I were your colleague I wouldn't think any less of you if he contacted me to badmouth you. Him, on the other hand...

JumpingJack56 · 05/08/2015 09:50

Ring the police, ask for the domestic violence team and report that your frightened for your safety (101 not 999 in this instance). Tell them he is making threats and you are scared of what he is going to do when you finish work. Explain about the past violence and let your employer know-only your employer needs to know it doesn't have to be common knowledge. You can do it, you don't have to be scared of him.

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 09:55

and stop sleeping with him - why would you? Don't you deserve better than that?

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 10:01

Thanks there is lots of good advice there.

No security at work but I can have a quiet word with my boss. she is in a meeting with our main boss at the moment.

I will ring 101 and ask for the domestic violence team. The violent episodes are not on record but they have a log from when he smashed my front door. I will do this tonight, he has said he won't come to mine until I finish. I don't think he will hurt me. I just don't want him to cause a scene at my work.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 10:03

You are not powerless. Take control and ring the police.

Unless you thrive on this sort of thing which to be fair some lasses do in a misguided thought that they are being somewhat cared for in a warped way. But somehow I don't think you're one of them?

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 10:04

Butterflygirl I know, I always have every intention to stop and then he comes round and he is nice and we get on well and I think that he won't be a psycho this time.

I know I need to open my eyes and stop being an idiot.

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Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 10:07

Gamer I haven't rung the police before now because we have a child and I naïvely thought that we could get along and co parent him and if I involve the police that would put a stop to all of that and change things in a way that they we can't go back from?

I just thought it would all blow over and we could get passed this and be amicable.

Plus I didn't want to be a 'drama queen' and ring the police.

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LadyB49 · 05/08/2015 10:09

All of the above is good. I was in the same position with my ex h who would not accept we were finished, even after the divorce.
I also sent him a solicitors letter with a copy to his parents for their information. ( They were interfering)

specialsubject · 05/08/2015 10:11

threats of violence are not 'drama'. Call the cops.

as others mentioned, get a £10 cheapie PAYG small phone and give him that number to communicate about the child. Block him from everything else.

and stop having sex with him! (If by any chance he is forcing you then DEFINITELY call the cops)

hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2015 10:13

Please call Womens Aid and get some advice from them.
You need to stop all contact.
If he has been violent in the past then you need to allow access to your DC via contact centre only.
Please contact them today.
And make sure you stick to calling 101 and get the DV team involved.
These bullies are total cowards and once he knows the authorities are involved it will hopefully knock him back a bit.
Do this today.
You do NOT need to live like this.
There is support out there!

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 10:16

so the nice/nasty cycle of abuse has you hooked every time.

You need to place more value on yourself. Why do you think he should get away with this illegal behaviour?

Are you worried they won't believe you because you are still having sex with him? And btw, stop letting him come over to your house. He does not need to set one foot over the threshold.

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 10:17

I definitely will stop sleeping with him. It's not doing anyone any good. I am not having him threatening to come to my work because I don't answer his messages quick enough when I am supposed to be working anyway and not messaging him which I clearly told him.

I will get it logged with 101 later when I get home. He has agreed not to come here now.

He has done a u turn and said he is not coming here at all because he doesn't care what I do and doesn't want to speak to me anyway.

I would block him right now but our son is with him and he never has any credit on his phone and I don't want him to see he has been blocked and turn up anyway.

As soon as I get home he will be blocked and contact severed. I just need to be strong this time.

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butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 10:19

Make sure you do the Freedom Programme too - online if needs be. But it will be invaluable to you.

kaftanlady · 05/08/2015 10:20

You have to call the police and get his violence and abuse documented.

If it's not you could end up in a position where he has access to your DC and you are have serious concerns about the way he parents but are powerless to limit access if you have no proof of what he's like.

kaftanlady · 05/08/2015 10:22

Also he sounds a lot like my psycho ex. Including threats to turn up at work.

I was reluctant to call the police and so "slitting up" lasted years.

I only started to regain some power once the police were involved, it made a real difference.

If anyone treated me like that again I would call them in a shot.

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 10:23

You're not being a drama queen by reigning a knob in.

My ex is a prick of the highest order. I put up with all sorts from him and the more I let him the worse he got. My right eye looks odd because it was blackened that many times.

It took one phone call to the police who had a stern word with him and he just stopped... He was a coward.

It took a while but we're civil to each other now. Yes he still thinks he's got the upper hand by not paying child support or more recently refusing to pick up our child a few hours early because overtime cropped up out of the blue so I couldn't do it and other little man triumphs like that to make him feel good. But that one stern telling off reigned him right in on being an utter pest.

Exs getting obsessed and feeling like they're losing control means they escalate.. It never blows over on its own and it sounds as if you need things to change so you can't go back.

Now he knows he's got something to hold over you to make you back down he will use it over and over until you're a nervous wreck. Nip it in the bud now.

Let your boss know what's happening and ask for advice from the police.

Original poster

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 10:24

I was looking at that earlier butterfly and the Lundy Bancroft book too. I have been here before, my ExH was abusive and I think it has really messed up my boundaries. Because this guy hasn't spent the last seven years beating me up he seems less abusive somehow. I don't know if that makes sense but I really need to just stay away from men.
My EXH put me into hospital and that made it a very clear cut decision to cut ties. because my recent ex has never really done anything that bad it is easier to minimise it.
sorry if I am not making sense.

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