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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Threatening to come to my work

49 replies

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 09:32

I am so fed up. I split up with my ex almost a year ago. We had a rubbish relationship and I texted an ex and he found out. I know I shouldn't have been texting other men but there was a lot going on in the relationship and I should have just ended it straight out.

Anyway in the last year although he has moved out we are still so tangled up. He treats me appallingly but I just can't seem to get rid of him. I don't have the strength to stand up to him. I just let him walk all over me for an easy life and part of me still loves him. Or the him that he was when we first met. We keep sleeping together which I know has to stop. We have a child together too.

There had been abuse, verbal, emotional and some violence although to be fair I gave as good as I got. There has been no violence for the last few months.

Anyway I have told him I want him to leave me alone and now he is threatening to come to my work. I don't know what to do. He has already messaged two of my male colleagues on Facebook giving the abuse. I have worked in my job a long time, I am good at it and he is going to ruin it. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying. My main boss is visiting the office today too. I am a grown adult I don't want drama at my work. I could get sacked!

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butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 10:27

Emotional abuse is more insidious and harder to spot. And if your previous ex was abusive too you wonder if your upset with your current partner is you just projecting your previous issues onto him.

Def do the freedom Programme - I found it invaluable.

And do call Women's Aid too - you may qualify for legal aid and that could be very helpful. Especially if he starts trying to abuse you by going for contact via the courts.

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 10:28

Kaftan and Gamer I know you are talking absolute sense and I know that this needs to change and now. And that it is me that needs to change it, Thank you for being so honest and open.

Thanks everyone who has offered me advice. I have been string enough to get rid of one abusive knob I can do it again!

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Nolim · 05/08/2015 10:32

Call the police and speak with someone at security in your worplace to have him removed if he dares to show up.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/08/2015 10:51

He thinks he can control you and have you at his neck and call whenever he wants you. And unfortunately this is true at the moment. By placating him and also having sex with him and obeying him whenever he threatens you, you are allowing him to behave however he wants. It's not your fault he's a horrible bastard, but if you don't want to live like this (& it sounds horrible!), then you need to change the way you engage with him. Put it this way, you can't change him by anythjng you do or say, and by giving in to him and giving him all the power in this situation, you are letting him decide how he treats you, which is clearly not at all nicely.

You need to take back the power from him and start controlling what you are prepared to accept and what you aren't. Easier to say than do when your used to the relationship dynamic being him holding all the cards, and you constantly being controlled and directed by him, but if you want things to change, you need to change the way you are reacting to him.

The law is on your side, and it's there to stop people being able to treat others like he's treating you. But if you don't use the law, and the police, to defend yourself, you are letting him get away with it, and he has you trapped into his world.

Take some of the practical advice on here, and start getting his behaviour logged, otherwise your misguided loyalty, or fear of making a fuss/ drama will end up working against you. And then the drama will escalate - you're not controlling it by minimising it, or by giving in, you're feeding it unfortuneately.

Good luck. And by the way, I'm not sure how his behaviour could legally get you sacked? It might damage your reputation if you don't distance yourself asap (by taking measures to let your work know what's happening and that the police know and have advised you to do X). If you come across as enmeshed and encouraging him then I can see how your work might think it's your behaviour at fault, if they think you're loving the drama or you've not done everything in your power to break away from him. It all gets a bit blurry and verging on victim blaming, but if you value your job there are ways of dealing with it so it's clear that he is the problem, not you.

When I was with my abusive husband, and utterly miserable, ground down and trapped, I got a horrible shock one day when I was sharing a bit of my pain, when a colleague who I thought was my friend said 'oh but you thrive on the drama though don't you, I couldn't live like you because I want a stable life'. It was like a slap in the face. But it's true I guess, from the outside it looked like i accepted and probably encouraged him. Because I was carrying on engaging with him and dancing to his tune. And I couldn't tell people about the emotional, physical, financial and sexual abuse, as I was barely surviving by minimising and placating and excusing him. It took a while longer to get away from him, but my life is so much better now. Yours will be too.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 11:14

He's harassing you and 2 of your male colleagues while your ds is with him??!! Shock

There's no way he should be in sole of charge of your ds because, even if he's unaware that his df is engaged in making threats against his dm, he'll pick up on his mood and general demeanour while his df is bashing the keyboard.

In the event that your ex is able to spout his venom online while wearing a happy face and giving off positive vibes to the extent that your ds is blissfully unaware of what he's clandestinely getting up to, there's even more cause to ensure that any contact he has with his ds is supervised.

The police are unlikely to take your ex's threat to "cause murder" if you're not there when he comes to your work lightly, and you're best advised not to take it lightly because to do so may cause one or more of your colleagues to come to harm.

FGS woman - get a grip and get him sorted by the police who will section him alert mental health professionals if he gives them cause to do so and if it transpires that he's just another bullying twunt who gets his rocks off making hollow threats, his cowardice will cause him to think twice before he risks being deprived of his liberty.

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 11:15

I have signed up for the freedom program online course.

Yes I see where you are coming from Miscellaneous I totally get why it looks like I/we are thriving on the drama of it, especially because I brush it off and try to minimise it or make a joke of why I still engage with him. Because I don't want to admit that I being controlled. He tells me what to wear, who I can speak to where I can go and I am embarrassed to admit that I put up with his behaviour.

I think I am afraid that it will get worse before it gets better and that by attempting to cut all ties I will make his behaviour escalate and I have been treading on eggshells to avoid that happening.

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hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2015 11:23

Time now to face up to it.
Just don't do it alone.
Do it with the help of police and WA.
Well done for signing up for the Freedom Progamme.
Please call WA as well as you will need their help and guidance.

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 11:29

Thanks HellsBells I will ring them.

Will the police just dismiss me, because I have been sleeping with him and spending time with him voluntarily won't they just think I have brought it on myself?

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AskingForAPal · 05/08/2015 11:36

I don't want to be melodramatic, but there are loads of cases of men showing up at their ex's place of work and being violent. For an extreme example, remember Hollie Gazzard.

He's not a pussycat, he's a fully grown man threatening murder.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2015 11:40

As long as you speak to the DV unit it will be fine.
They know how these arseholes work, they've seen it a million times.
They may well want to put your phone numbers on high alert so if you dial 999 you will get priority response.
You were strong enough last time to dump an abuser and you can do it again.
Find that inner strength.

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 11:55

If I speak to the police and get a high alert/injunction I will have to deal with social services also won't I?

I had a red flag at my address when I was with my EXH (different address) and ended up with an injunction and I had social services involvement then. I don't want to go through all of that again. This ex is nothing like what my exh was.

I will just block him on FB, block his phone number and have a word with my boss in case he does turn up at work. Then phone the police if he turns up either here or at my house.

I don't know if he would follow through with it or if he was just trying to scare me into responding to him because he knows I wouldn't want to take that chance.

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hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2015 12:08

SS can also help you with this.
Is he your DC bio father?

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 12:08

As soon as you mention that he's threatened to "cause murder" at your place of work and show the police the relevant message, they will think he's brought a visit from them on himself and act accordingly.

Your regional police authority's specialist DV officers are well versed in cases where the victim has been coerced, cajoled, or threatened into continuing relationships which are well past their use-by date because of their desire for an 'easy life' or because they misguidedly believe it is in the best interests of their dc to allow ex partners unrestricted access in their own homes.

In your particular case, you have his threats in writing/posted on FB and when you last spent time/slept with him is a non-issue.

You are only as "tangled up" with him as you choose to be and you're best advised to utilise the police and WA to enable you to cut the strings now before he does something he, you, and your ds, may have cause to regret.

Part of you may still 'love him', but a far larger part of you knows this is insufficent reason to stay in the twilight zone of this dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 12:09

you really need to call the police now. If SS do turn up you just need to show them that he is not in your life any more and you are protecting your DC from anything untoward. I cannot understand your reluctance to speak to the police.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/08/2015 12:15

It sounds like you are scared of getting the authorities involved - maybe because of your experiences last time?

What exactly are you scared will happen? Maybe talking it through and understanding how you can make it different might help?

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 12:17

You're minimising, honey, and that's the first step backwards.

What you'll be reporting to the police is a threat that he has, by default, made against your colleagues at your place of work and there's no reason to suppose that SS will become involved unless it is thought that your ds is at risk - which I very much doubt will be the case.

It's time to don your big girl's pants - and put your Doc Martens' on for good measure.

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 13:40

I am scared to involve the police because it just seems that it will make it more serious. I don't know tbh I just think I am blowing it out of proportion and I should just deal with it. I am not doing great with that so far though am I.
I guess once the police are involved it takes it out of my hands and changes things beyond repair, there is no going back and getting along, being friends.
I guess I still hope that at some point down the line we can get passed this and get along as parents and friends but I am opening my eyes to the fact that it is not to happen.
That probably sounds stupid, I guess I have been hoping he would change even though I of all people should know that he won't!

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butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 13:50

how could you ever get past such threats?

You need this documented - what if it escalates and he gets worse? You cannot deal with this alone. You need to protect yourself and your DC and your colleagues - I do not understand why you are protecting this man. He isn't going to change. Unless of course you are protecting him because you want to get back together?

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 14:00

It is serious and you are not blowing it out of proportion.

If his threats are example of 'getting along' and 'being friends' the sooner the police get on his case, the better.

He won't change until he''s forced to do so and you haven't got the power to ensure that he sees the error of his ways and amends them.

You don't just owe it to yourself to report him - you also owe it to your colleagues to make sure that they can go about their lawful business without threat of your ex causing disruption or worse.

C'mon now. Those big girl's pants and Doc Martens are waiting - add a cape and you too can be Wonderwoman Smile

DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 14:09

I don't want to get back together with him.

I am listening to advice I just feel like I don't want to blow it out of proportion. I will speak to Women's Aid and just log it with the domestic violence team, just so there is a record in case anything else happens.

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DoTheDuckFace · 05/08/2015 14:10

Thanks Goddess, I will call them tonight. I am determined to break away from this cycle.

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goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 14:18

This really doesn't have to be a big deal as you can report it as harassment. Once the police have read his threats/messages, they'll have a word with him and it's possible that this alone will settle his hash.

If not and if he persists in making online threats against you, he can be issued with a police harassment warning and he'll end up in court if he breaches it.

gamerchick · 05/08/2015 14:22

I agree... The police will just have a chat with him and warn him off. Nothing more may be needed other than that.

What he does after that is entirely on his own head.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/08/2015 16:01

Gosh yes I know the feeling of having staked your life on a pipe dream its feels very hard to give it up. It is a pipe dream though, you're still in the placating and managing and accepting mode.

"tbh I just think I am blowing it out of proportion and I should just deal with it. I am not doing great with that so far though am I. "

Ever thought the reason you're not doing very well at just dealing with it, is that it's not something you can deal with.

Not because you're weak, or did to be more understanding, more compliant, or stick with him more until he learns, or changes... but because it's beyond the limits of behaviour that it's possible to deal with!

It's not your fault you can't just get on with it. And laws exist for a reason. We've agreed as a society that there are limits to what an individual should have to deal with. And he's gone beyond those limits, not a bit, not just once, but loads and over a long time.

It's not your job to cope with it and just absorb his terrible behaviour. And it's not your colleagues duty to shrug it off. It is the polices job though. Why don't you give it to the right people? Stop taking it on and make it his problem and his responsibility to face up to whatever consequences there are.

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