Does anyone else worry about coping in old age when you don't have children?

[Friday999]

I’ve been reading a thread about “age gaps – what happens in later life” and even though there’s only 8 years between DH and I, if you look at average life expectancy, I could be looking at a decade as an elderly widow. However if you look at DH’s relatives, they all seem to live into their late 80/early 90s, whereas none of my relatives have got past 75, so who knows.

I know we’re an aging population, so I expect there will be lots of people in the same boat as me by the time I’m elderly, but it still worries me. When the time comes, I’d probably like to live in a ’retirement village’ set-up, where you’ve got privacy if you want it, but the option of company/assistance too.

But I worry about silly things, like how would I move house on my own if I’m 80? Would I spend every Christmas alone? What if I’m too old to drive etc etc? I suspect McCarthy Stone Retirement Villages could be the answer to my prayers and I've even thought about buying an apartment in one of their developments (and renting it out til we're older).

I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t spend my 40s worrying about what may never happen in my 80s, but it does pray on my mind.

Even if you have children, I wouldn't burden them with my problems.

Does anyone else worry about coping in old age when you don't have children?

Hell yes.

But I don' think no children really matters. Plenty of people are estranged from their children. Plenty of children re-locate globablly - so they aren't around for their parents anyway. Plenty of people have children, who even if they aren't estranged, aren't really up for being involved or caring for an elderly relative.

It's grim and scarey. And even people with a DH and children, can end up alone.

I think it really boils down to having enough money to provide for your own care - so that you are free to make your own choices (ie. whether you want to stay in your own home and have it adapted for age related disabilities or go into a residential care/flats).

Remember though that old saying that 99% of what people worry about never happens. We could all be hit by a truck tomorrow. Or you may just drop dead of a heart attack in your 70s when you are still basically healthy (look at Cilla Black). You never know.

i dont want my kids to be looking after me, I'm pretty sure there will be friendly elder care robots by the time I get to 90 odd.

Cant say I especially worry about being old but I am very careful with my health so as to give myself the best chance of good quality of life in later years.

I have 4 dcs. There is no guarantee that any of them will want to help in old age. perhaps if you are worried do something about it now?

Sorry but is this an advert for retirement complexes

Oh for gods sake - I am a genuine poster and am not advertising in any way. If you've nothing helpful to add, then please disappear.

I don't think many people contemplate old age when they have children and I would hate to be any kind of obligation to my own children. I certainly don't want them doing any kind of care and hope only that I am one of those lovely old ladies who people still want to be around. I strongly suspect that I will be grumpy and glass half empty instead.

Sorry op, unfortunately mumsnet brings out the cynic in some of us and I hope I answered at least some of your points above. Having biological children is no protection against loneliness. My mil has 3 children and has a terrible relationship with at least 2 of them and a geographically distant one with the other. All down to her I'm afraid.

I will report my post. Mumsnet isn't an obvious choice for advertising retirement homes. Apologies again.

I worry about this. It's not that I would expect my children to care for me in old age. I would just hope that they'd look out for me and be there to stand up for me if I was being ill treated by my carers. I did this for my parents, but sadly I don't have children who could do the same for me.

Friends are the family you choose. Choose lots and keep busy and well connected. Children may be too busy with their work and family, emigrate, fall out with you or (in extremely sad cases) die before you, and are not an insurance policy against being alone in old age.

Apologies.. if you search you will see I am far from a cynic.
I just saw the link put two and two together and came up with 6!

I think old age will be easier for future generations. Knowing your way around technology gives you endless independence. My grandad wouldn't know how to turn a computer or smart phone on, let alone order groceries, do online banking or partake in online communities. It is the norm for us who have been using the Internet for years.

As for loneliness.. friends, groups, carers, family of life-long friends and godchildren etc. I still think that technology will be key here though as well. If not able to get out of the house much then knowing about online subscriptions, kindles, forums, shopping, courses... There is so much that you can do (I've had bad health most of my life so have come to rely on such things, they make a huge difference). If you think how far technology has come in the past decade, imagine in 30+ years! And medicine will hopefully make old age a little easier to bridge the current gap of old but not exactly living.

My grandad wouldn't know how to turn a computer or smart phone on, let alone order groceries, do online banking or partake in online communities. It is the norm for us who have been using the Internet for years

That is true but it is also very likely that when we are elderly things will have moved on and we may find it difficult to adjust.

We'll be nostalgically remembering the old days of skype and internet shopping when life was simple while the younsters are doing things that we cant get to grips with

OP being able to manage the stairs is the difference between living in your own home with support and needing to go I to care.

Get accommodation with a downstairs toilet and bed and you should be able to stay there I definitely unless you get dementia and are a wanderer.

It also makes it earlier for your frail friends to visit you!

God, reading this makes me wonder if I'm a bit feckless as I'm in my mid 60s and don't really think much about how things will be when I'm old/older. I certainly never thought about it when I was in my 30s/40s.

Thankfully I'm in good health at the moment, live by myself - apart from the dog - and own my own home. I suppose I would probably think about some kind of sheltered housing if the time came that I couldn't manage by myself any more. I'm not the sort of person to bury my head in the sand normally, but at the moment it just feels that old age is still some way off.

I do have children but I don't think that is what stops me worrying about old age. I certainly don't expect them to take me in and look after me and fortunately I would be able to pay for myself if I had to be looked after, so wouldn't expect they to cough up for my care if it were necessary either.

It's wise to plan for retirement and cover the possibility of ill-health. That said, other than saving for it and having a rough plan, there really isn't any point in worrying about it or planning in intricate detail because so much can change between then and now. Having children is no guarantee of support because we live in an increasingly global society and children are increasingly leaving their families in order to pursue employment.

The best defence against a lonely old age is to remain as active and sociable as possible - keep meeting new people as your life changes.

I believe in planning ahead, as long as you don't become so attached to plan a that plan b becomes unavailable.

The nearest to a sure thing there is in old age is that having money makes dealing with the downside more straightforward. So saving may be the best option, if you can. I'm no financial advisor though.

I also think that writing your general wishes about treatment, if you should become incapacitated, may be a good idea, but not if it will prey on your mind. The chances of you needing anything of the sort are pretty low.

I don't worry about it but am planning for it just in case.
We have no children though we do have neices and nephews but none of them live anywhere near us and most of them have families of their own.
Your home environment is a big factor in being able to continue living independently so we are currently looking at our home with a critical eye and planning the work required to give us the best chance to remain here.
We have also looked at lasting power of attorneys for both health issues and financial issues in case 1 or other or both of us go demented and can no longer manage our affairs.
We have had discussions with each other regarding funeral, ashes etc so we know what is required at that time - not the cheeriest way to spend a night in the pub but at least we won't be adding to our problems regarding this sort of thing when the time comes.
Having children is no guarantee that your old age will be any easier OP, and I have seen instances when some poor old soul is emotionally pulled in different directions by warring adult children and their spouses, who all claim to want what's best for their aged parent.
Keep yourself as fit and we'll as you possibly can and keep mentally active too.
Plan, plan and then plan some more but in the end, a lot of this is in the lap of the Gods.
The good news is, we're an aging population so you won't be alone.

Dh and I also have no children. None of my siblings have children and dh isn't close to his siblings and their children.

I worry about old age a lot. As a family my parents and siblings cared for my grandfather at home until he died and are now doing the same for my grandmother. We wouldn't dream of having it another way.

I wouldn't expect my children (if I'd had any) to care for me but I would be a little disappointed if they didn't.

As the previous poster has just said - if I do find myself as an elderly widow, I certainly won't be the only one. I recently asked DH what he would prefer to do, if I die before he does - he just shrugged and said he'd cross that bridge if he came to it. I wish I could adopt his approach !!!

But having read everyone's responses (and done a little homework) I still think that a retirement village/complex would suit my needs if DH dies first and I'm relieved to find that there are quite a few around. And I'm sure the numbers of these developments will increase as I get towards old age.

And I've decided to find something else to worry about for the time being!

In terms of planning ahead, which is a good thing if it settles your mind, can I just add the importance of keeping up with technology?

My MIL until last year couldn't switch on a computer. We were worried for her in case her husband dies - she's be stranded offline. We all clubbed together and bought her a simple to use tablet and insisted she just used it (i.e. taught herself) and now she can get recipes, The Archers and has just started shopping online. It's a basic list but it's growing all the time. (And now when she phones us to ask us things the response is usually Just Google It!) We thought if she could learn now while she's basically OK, it would be a good bit of future-proofing.

Do the same for yourself. Keep up with the tech stuff so that when you're old, you can read big print books/ order your groceries etc.

We have no kids. We are half jokingly planning to move in with friends and all club together for a good looking gardener nurse.

Very good point about technology!