DH driving me MAD!!!!

[LittleMonkeysMum]

Sorry for inevitable ramble!
I'm a sahm for our 13m dd, and 8 m pg with dc2. I am absolutely knackered, all I want to do all day is try to grab anap when DD sleeps, but at the moment can;t seem to. Have a load of blinds to make before new baby is born and they take ages, and definitely won;t have a chance to do them after new baby. I cook a meal from scratch for OH every night, and then I clear up after the meal. For a while, he cleared up, but it just wasn't working, it made more work for me as he would and does typically do the following, these are just examples, it can be much worse:
*put a teaspoon back in the drawer if he has 'only' used it to get a tea bag out with

• make a half baked attempt to dry glasses without washing them if only water has been drunk out of them.
• His washing up really has to be seen to be believed, it is unbelievable, I know other peole say their oh's are bad, but honestly I've never seen anything like this!
• He always puts wet things back in the cupboard, so I have to go through and dry stuff the following day. Last night, he was supposed to be going out, and I was going to get on with the blinds, but he changed mind and agreed to cook dinner (for the first time in about 2 months) to 'help' me. Dinner was nice (he only does one dish, but thank goodness, it's fine!). Then he agreed to load the dishwasher, so I had to sneak in to the kitchen afterwards to put the plates in the right way round so they don;t jam the spinny thing, and turn the bowls etc upside down (!!!). Then I asked him later if he would mind putting in a dishwasher tablet and switching it on. I've been really busy today so have only just realised that he put in a laundry tablet! It's so annoying, of course the stuff isn;t clean and needs re-washing. I honestly think he does some of these things on purpose so that he doesn;t have to do anything. Then he went to bed before me whilst I was still working, and feeling exhausted and was asleep by the time I came to bed. Grrrrr. What can I do with him? It drives me mad. I normally manage to cope with it by just accepting that I have to do everything myself, but he was really horrible last night, and this morning (had a row and he actually ignored DD as we waved goodbye at him through the window), and it makes me feel a lot less tolerant. I have no intention of leaving him, but have to admit that on balance my life would be easier if I didn;t have to look after him as well! Right, sorry about that, feel much better having sounded off. Anyone else got over problems like these, found a good coping strategy etc?

hope you feel better for that!!! LOL

he sounds a bit of a nightmare, but must have good points!!!!

keep smiling! :-)

cx

Message withdrawn

Why do you feel you have to do everything, if he sees you are willing to do everything (because he's getting it wrong all the time) then that gives him the green light to do nothing. Non pulling of weight on his part re chores is probably learnt behaviour, his Mum probably did not make him do chores either and did it all herself.

You need to have a detailed talk with him about these chores he cannot do correctly.

You may indeed have no intention of leaving him but any love that you have may well quickly turn to resentment and ultimately hate if this is not tackled by you.

You're absolutely right ATM, his parents split up when he was small, and his mum never expected him to do ANYTHING in the house, probably though guilt.
Also your point about me giving him the green light to do nothing is right, but I can not see another way out. I used to try to sort it, but it just turned in to a situation whereby if If he did actually clear up or anything the night before, I would end up nagging him the following day about dirty dishes, wet or dirty things in cupboard, unwrapped food left out, thrown away good food etc etc. I have just found DD's water cup which he gave to her this am (his only responsibility apart from putting the recycling out once a week, when I've been doing it throughout the week anyway) and though I'd check it was clean, and it actually had bits of washing powder floating around in it. She can't have drunk much this am as it was still nearly full. Grrrr.
I know what you mean though. We do need to talk.

Are there any tasks that are absolutely foolproof that can become his (hoovering?, dusting? changing the bed) then at least he will be doing things and helping.

The classic "avoidance solution" I know but may help?

LittleMonkeysMum

I do hope you managed to get it sorted out by talking. This certainly needs to be discussed.

My FIL and BIL do nothing/very little respectively at my MIL's house. It is learnt behaviour in a lot of cases, it certainly is in theirs. She gave them the green light to do nothing by doing everything.

Your task therefore is to retrain him into doing some tasks properly and not making a hash of it. Keep giving him jobs to do and leave him detailed written instructions. Also showing him where various kitchen products are is a good idea.

His Mother has indeed caused part of the problem by not getting him to do chores when he was younger. Mums of today take note!!.

"Your task therefore is to retrain him into doing some tasks properly and not making a hash of it. Keep giving him jobs to do and leave him detailed written instructions. Also showing him where various kitchen products are is a good idea".

I should add my Mum tried the above (my Dad did nothing much around the house either) and it worked. Took a long while though.

or you could just totally stop doing anything - then he would have to do something and do it properly!

I would do all the things you have listed yourself as they annoy you so much and make more work for you when he does them. But make sure he does othr things like putting the bins out, mowing the lawn, putting dd to bed every night. Weigh up his good points against his bad points too and keep reminding yourself why you love him

My dh's is also naturally incompetent when it comes to household chores and, yes, his Mum did/does everything for him, his brothers and fil when he was at home.

On the important stuff i've gently chivvied him into doing a better job. I try to keep the criticism constructive and light hearted. I also don't pick him up about every little thing as it gets too naggy. It helps though that dh passionately believes that I shouldn't have to do everything and wants to pull his weight. If he didn't feel like that I don't think I would have married him!

I hate all these "his mummy never made him do anything so he doesn't" excuses. He's a lazy twat and should be told so.

My DW never lets me get away with doing things all wrong to get out of it, neither should she. We both work, we share housework and share dd. It's called having an adult relationship.

100 per cent agree with Happy Daddy and get angry when men play the 'do it so badly I won't be asked to do it again card'.
Mothers who don't train their sons to clean up after themselves are only half to blame, it's the adult male who choses to be lazy and dirty who bears the ultimate responsibility for his actions.

I never feel such love for my dp as when we are behaving as a team in running our lives - ie when he cleans the kitchen with out being asked

I also completely agree, and I'm certainly not making excuses for the lazy t**t. He does work hard and I so do I just at home (and I do longer hours!!). However HappyDaddy, you sound competent and helpful, and DH isn;t he's absolutely useless at all things house related, and whilst I suspect this is partly by design, the fact remains that it's so much more hard work actually getting him to do anything than it is just doing it myself. This is wrong I know, and I'm going to start to take a few tips from posters here and get him to do some extra jobs by giving him clearly written instructions etc etc. (I have actually tried sending him detailed emails before about things like this, but he skim reads them and then 'forgets' what they say!) The problem is that my time and effort is completely devalued compared to his. He can look after DD for 1 1/2 hours on a Sunday morning (I am 8 months pg otherwise I can;t see this happening!), and spends the majority of the rest of the day trying to reclaim his 'me time' and complaining about fatigue. OK so I married this guy and I do love him. He's very selfish and can be lazy, but he is father to my DD, and I need to find a long term coping strategy as I do not want to split up. On a very basic level there's put up and shut up where I just do everything and we get on OK, or there's the retraining program which I have tried many times, and eventually gave up on about 6 months ago, which makes us enemies essentially. It's really hard.
Should point out that he does all the gardening which generally consists of moving leaves, mowing the lawn and excessive pruning of some quite nice plants.
Oh I'm sorry I could go on. Cheers for all the tips everyone. I never imagined in a million years I'd be in this position, I've been brought up in a really equal home, my Dad and brothers are capable, non selfish people and I've never understood anyone putting up with any alternative!

Could be completely anal here but I would print out instructions for each appliance and laminate them.

Then, I would attach them to the door of the appliance then there would be no excuses. Or, you could do the chores together for a while so that he looks 'n' learns.

He's just being lazy. I'm sorry, but stacking a dishwasher is not hard. Nor is hanging out washing.

I wonder what age is good to start a housework rota with the little ones? I was thinking age 5 - beginning with making their own bed, keeping their rooms tidy and bringing laundry downstairs to the machine. Progressing to dishwasher duties, table setting and clearing by age 10 or am I naive?

Littlemonkeysmum... you have my total sympathy because my DH is exactly the same and we've been married 20 years!
If anything, its got worse! (sorry to say so!) In the early years of marriage I did think he did it on purpose to get out of jobs... I just thought nobody could be so clueless... but I'm afraid to say, nothing has changed in 20 yrs!

When we have a picture that needs hanging, I automatically mix polyfilla! Look behind every picture in our house and there are 3 holes! His favourite is to say the dishwasher is full... when you look inside there is always loads of room...!
I have never come across anyone so totally un-practical! I go away sometimes leaving him in charge... and have to write reams of notes explaining how to work things... it is most frustrating.

Saying all this is not going to help... I have tried to show him stuff but a week or so later, he just forgets. I presume it is some sort of malfunction in his brain... or a bit of his brain missing... either that or he is pulling my plonker cos I tend to end up doing it all myself and have done all these years!!!

helliebean, he sounds the same!! The only difference is that DH would never try to hang a picture, and I would end up doing it, badly probably, but it would be my responsibility!

Well... the peculiar thing is.. my OH actually thinks he is good at DIY... now that is worrying... when i pull his leg about it or contradict him... he looks at me in amazement! He has all the tools but just can't use 'em! Sometimes, I just let him try and then get a man in to put it right!

LMM - DH sounds very familiar! and there are some very sensible tips posted here so I won't bother being sensible but just tell you what I've done to cope. Lowered my standards so it doesn't irritate me so much. Keep reminding him every time he does something seriously dodgy (eg downright unhygienic). Let him discover his mistakes. For years, my DH never washed up in the evening(sadly we don't have a dishwasher). I insisted I wasn't going to do it as I cooked the meal, so the dishes would sit there, unwashed, until he got home the following evening. He'd wash them, I'd cook, then they'd sit there again. Drove me mad for years but I sure as hell wasn't doing them. (Yes I know it's seriously gross and if I wasn't out at work all day, I couldn't do it.) But it suddenly struck him (doh!) that he may as well wash up the same evening and now it's done within an hour of finishing the meal. It's taken a long time but we've got there. Laundry is another one. As a hangover from when we just ended up living together he's still got his own washbasket. If he runs out of pants, that's his lookout. He does more laundry these days. Stubborn? Me?

You've got the perfect opportunity coming up to do as little as possible - and to make him do more. Make the most of it (but be prepared to have to direct from the sofa.)

lol my dh the same too and i don;t know if i have peaches patience! how many times do i have to tell him not to put wet saucepans onto the cooker top 'to dry'. and he said 'oh the hob is going rusty' yesterday . good luck with the retraining ....

Cooker top sounds fine! When we didn't have a kitchen and were washing up in the bathroom, my DH decided to drain saucepans on the toilet seat. Lid up.

I laugh now.

toilet seat??

Yup. Toilet seat.

You think I've ever let him live it down???

i hope not! that's excellent material for a good 20 years!!

We don't have a proper draining board so I try to encourage OH to put washed pots on the oven top, thankfully no rust issues....yet. He just won;t do it and insists on putting them away wet and mostly dirty.
OMG re toilet seat, ours is always covered in OH's wee as he can't be a*sed to turn the light on when he goes to the loo......nice!!

I know exactly where you are coming from, my dh is sometimes worse than useless.

He doesn't know how to load or turn on the dishwasher and tumble dryer. The only thing he does is the school run each days which is a 10 minute round trip, he has NEVER got up with the kids, done their brekkies and got them ready for school, he says 'I can't do it, i don't know what to do'.

Just wanted to let you know, you are not on your own.

Hope you are feeling better and manage to get some rest and help before dc2 is born.

Men sometimes don't realise how easy they have got it.