Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum friends and clinginess ...

45 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 12:23

I am really struggling with my mum friendships of late. I have a new friend who I met because we crossed paths a lot, she speaks French (her English isn't great) and knits. So we have a fair bit in common, and I like her parenting approach.

The problem is, though, I have a reasonable social network, and am not that sociable anyway, so I don't really want to necessarily meet up that much. But I can tell she's hurt if I don't want to see her every week (or more!).

And that hurt just makes me want to Run Away.

She is a nice person. I do like her. But I am looking forward to holidays when she goes home and I don't have to feel guilty for not seeing her!

I am trying to help get her more friendships, to take the load off me. But how do I cope with this?

If I see her twice a week, I have no social energy to see other people I really like who don't get mopey if I don't call them!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:01

Nobody else struggling with this?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:11

This is one of the reasons I don't make friends easily - this sort of situation horrifies me . It did happen a couple of years ago with one lady, she was very nice and we did hit it off to a degree, but we lived a bit too close for comfort and I couldn't see as much of her as she would have liked, largely due to my non-voluntary commitments with my mother at the time. Also she smacked her kid, dressed him in combats and had a habit of shouting "come 'ere, Sexpot!" when he ran off in the park - her perogative, of course, but it's awkward when you do everything so differently. I am in the opposite position from you now though, in that all the people I am friendly with at the moment have loads of other friends and are really busy - I am more concerned that they won't want to see me at all than that they will want to see me too much! I am a "best-friendy" type person generally, I like to have a few people very close - but not everyone wants that.

It's difficult, isn't it. I don't know how you are meant to communicate to someone what sort of arrangement you want and vice versa.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:15

I am wary of the "best friend" thing now. I've had three best friends in my life, and yeah, ok, I'm still on speaking terms with all of them, but each time, it went wrong. I still have dreams in which the most recent one and I are back on good terms again.

I do like this mum, she doesn't smack, she's pleasant and fun, her kids are nice. We do have some differences (money, cultural background, oh, and she feeds her kids some shite, but quite a lot of good food), but we also get on well.

But I can tell how lonely she is, and it makes me want to Run Away.

I'm working on getting her more social network. I know a few of the mums at the class her DD is in, and am trying to sort out a playdate with her and them.

I also need to scare up some local French mums, coz I do know loads, and maybe set her up with them, too.

OP posts:
Bozza · 23/11/2006 14:15

Hmm is there no way of combining seeing her with something that already needs doing IYSWIM. Or doing things that have a natural time limit?

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:17

Oh, we do this already - we meet up after school, at my house or hers, the kids play together, we all have dinner together, everyone is happy. And particularly when DH is working late, this works really well.

I just feel that I must see her every week, or she will get ratty. I don't want to feel I must do anything every week, my days are full of random obligation already!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:17

I do actually like her, I like talking to her, I find her pleasant and funny and it's good to practice my French.

But if I don't call her, she will just appear on my doorstep!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:20

Glad to see you back, by the way, Greeny. I do know what you mean, re: wanting to be careful not to get entangled with someone you don't end up liking ...

I suspect I may feel compelled to call someone Sexpot, next time we meet up, though .

OP posts:
saadia · 23/11/2006 14:22

I also have a friend I feel a bit sorry for. She moved here recently, knows no-one and her husband goes away for three weeks at a time for work. She is not pushy at all, I just feel I should do more for her. Even though I like her and she is lovely with her own and my dss I feel guilty for not inviting her over, going to visit etc.

Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:24

I do know what you mean, I hate that feeling of being yoked into anything. Especially by friends. It smacks of emotional blackmail (which I am bloody wary of these days!) even though it's obviously not meant that way.

I think your idea of trying to get her a social network going, so that she feels busy/popular and less lonely, is the way to go. If she feels less isolated, she will be happier and maybe feel less need to be clingy of one person in particular.

It is a compliment that she likes you so much, you know but of course it's a PITA too.

Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:25

Go on, use the word "Sexpot" in front of me next time we meet and see what happens!

GreenyIsASexpot · 23/11/2006 14:27

What would happen?

I don't think I could bring myself to call DS1 a sexpot, as he might notice and remember the word. And I couldn't call DS2 a sexpot.

Oh, I could call one of the cats a sexpot, as long as neither child was in the room ...

GreenyIsASexpot · 23/11/2006 14:28

Of course, I could just change my name instead ...

Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:29
GreenyIsASexpot · 23/11/2006 14:29

Oh dear, that's not a sincere is it?

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:31

I don't think I could sincerely call anyone a sexpot, name changing aside ...

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:32

It is a bit cringeworthy, isn't it , he is 4 as well. Ds1 looked genuinely mystified but luckily he didn't pick the word up.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 14:34

Oh god yes, I can't see anyone liking the idea of people calling their kids "sexpot". I don't think you're going to find a huge MN contingent doing that.

Arse, am starving, and have to make tea for company tonight, and leave to get DS1 in < 15 minutes. Today has been all go, with architect etc etc, and I just want to lie still.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:34

Of course it's not a real , Iam brimming with goodwill now my boys are home and well, in fact I am going to put some tinsel up today as a gesture of general festivity

Quadrophenia · 23/11/2006 14:41

NQC I know this problem very well and can completely empathise with how you are feeling. I have been quite honest with people in the past when in a similar situation to you and make it very clear that it is no way personal just that I am busy. I spend far too much of my life being obligated to other mum friends who don't have many friends and to be honest relations with dp and really good friends have suffered as a consequence. Just be honest but then perhaps offer a nice gesture, something special you could do together in the future to compensate for any blow it may be to her. HTH

GreenyIsASexpot · 23/11/2006 14:43

Oh good. I really like this name ...

GreenyIsASexpot · 23/11/2006 14:44

Quadrophenia, I don't think I could bring myself to be totally clear with her about this ... I think I'll try to get her some more friends, and then see if that helps.

I have made clear that I'm just not feeling very sociable, some days (my mom died this year. Also, I have some hellish commuting silliness). I'll keep working on that.

Quadrophenia · 23/11/2006 14:49

Thats not a bad idea at all. I think its very hard when you feel like you have to justify your social life to friends though and can be very draining. You also have to remember though to be kind to yourself and don't give too much if you can't

Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 14:59

I think it must be my overly literal mind, I find myself wincing at various images of what a "sex-pot" might actually be. An urn into which used sheaths are cast, perhaps? Eugh

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2006 18:53

Surely a "sexpot" is a sort of sheath which is used for masturbation?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/11/2006 18:56

Is it? I find it hard to see "sexpot" as a description of a person, certainly. Pot-shaped people just aren't sexy.