Mum friends and clinginess ...

[NotQuiteCockney]

I am really struggling with my mum friendships of late. I have a new friend who I met because we crossed paths a lot, she speaks French (her English isn't great) and knits. So we have a fair bit in common, and I like her parenting approach.

The problem is, though, I have a reasonable social network, and am not that sociable anyway, so I don't really want to necessarily meet up that much. But I can tell she's hurt if I don't want to see her every week (or more!).

And that hurt just makes me want to Run Away.

She is a nice person. I do like her. But I am looking forward to holidays when she goes home and I don't have to feel guilty for not seeing her!

I am trying to help get her more friendships, to take the load off me. But how do I cope with this?

If I see her twice a week, I have no social energy to see other people I really like who don't get mopey if I don't call them!

I think it depends on what you think of, when you think of a pot.

To be fair, though, the first association in my mind for "pot" is "potty", as "pot" is the casual french for "potty", and I've been speaking French all evening.

I hate it when people describe potatoes as "pots" too, like "roast pots". It makes me wince.

I think I've seen that on here, but not heard it in real life.

Does that make you think of a pot full of condoms, too?

no, it makes me think of roasted little clay pots, served with meat and gravy

oh NQC, I hate this sort of dilemma. I have had it recently with a friend of mine who literally turned into my stalker. I thought I was letting her down gently by not calling her and trying to see her less often - in turn, this made her even more desperate in her attempts to get me to go out with her (calling me on my mobile, home phone all the time and in the end, she resorted to just turning up at the house uninvited).

I would love to be like Quad and be honest but even though I dropped MAJOR hints (like not wanting to be that sociable), she never took any of them.

I think the easiest way is to do exactly what you're doing - try and get her some new mates and slowly see if you can wean her off you (iykwim) by always being busy and seeing her every couple of weeks rather than all the time. Much sympathy - it is a difficult situation.

I don't actually mind seeing her every week, I just mind feeling obliged to see her. It's fine, it will sort itself out. I have been meaning, for about 800 years, to set up a local French group, and maybe this will be my impetus, as that would get her a group of people she could talk comfortably with. Her English really isn't great.

It probably doesn't help that I have another friend, who I have got worn out with, and am totally avoiding.

And DS1 has just started a new school this September, and I expect to be dealing with the people in his class (or most of them anyway) for the next 7 years or something ridiculous like that, so I am delicately dancing my way around all that. Oh yes, while seeing my most recent ex-best-friend on a quite regular basis (we were very close, then I realised I was forever the one trying to arrange things, so I stopped trying, to see what would happen, and haven't seen her socially since ). It all adds up to make me very worn out and confused by social interaction tbh.

Butting in here - but was wondering if you could get together with french mum and other mums at the same time - meet up for coffee once a week with a group so she can meet others too?

I have to admit NQC I also get worn at the prospect of my youngest ds starting school and then there being a whole new batch of people to 'make friends' with.

Rantum, I have tried to invite over another friend (who I don't see enough of) whose daughter is in the same class as French mum's DD. But the person I don't see enough of isn't great at answering SMSes. (I do know another mum in that class, but she's really not very sociable at all.)

I will also get her involved in the French club, obviously, when/if I do it.

I am not really worn out about getting new friends, more like nervous. I don't want to have fallings out with people, I just want to take it easy and see how it goes. It doesn't help, though, that something like 90% of the kids are entirely English, so I am already a bit of a strange fish there, anyway.

It's weird, isn't it, this friendship temperature thing? Unlike life-partnership patterns, which seem to stick fairly closely to a norm, friendship patterns vary enormously. I see my dearest friend four or five times a year, and have done for 20 years and will do forever - but that would probably seem cold and isolated to someone who speaks to their BF every day.

I used to get into this sort of situation all the time

I have learnt my lesson and feel that this sort of friendship is actually insulting to the other person if it is all one-sided - (I know this isn't quite the case here NQC) and in fact robs the person of the chance to make a proper relationship with someone who values their company on an equal basis.

I just get very very aloof and impossible to pin down / contact if people start to crowd me. It really is easy to slip into seeing people more often than you want to / can handle and I think it is more hurtful to let it start in the first place, however well meaning, rather than being clear from the start about what you can offer.

Sorry NQC this sounds like I am criticising you and it isn't meant to be that way. I am just chuntering on, really. I hope you can get it sorted, it's a nuisance.

Yeah, it's not as one-sided as it could be. If I didn't really like her, and didn't have things in common with her, I would absolutely become very "busy" all of a sudden. I'm quite capable of doing that.

I think I would just spell it out very clearly

"I am fairly busy at the moment and also have other friends to see, I would like us to meet up every 2 weeks or so but I haven't time to get together at other times."

Would having a set day on which you get together help? Then if she asks at other times you can just say "no I am pretty busy but I will see you next Thursday as usual". Just say this every time she calls / visits.

Well, we've had a set once-per-week arrangement lately. I can probably cope with this, not least as it's on the night that DH is most often out, so I do actually like having company then. (She plays with the kids while I cook tea.)

Oh, ack, one other problem ... I'm happy to have them all at mine, but their place is a lot smaller and a lot messier than mine, so I really prefer to have them here ... to be fair, we have managed to host it at mine most of the time, anyway ...

At the moment i'm not actively trying to be friends with anyone. I've moved away from my childhood home in Cardiff to live in the Cotswolds and my DD goes to the local village school.
I've been here 6yrs now and still find it very difficult to break into the "clique" of local farmer's wives and horsey types.
Four years ago when my DD was 9 months old i went to a babygroup in the local town and met a wonderfull lady and we became very good friends, felt like i had known her for years (she was new to the area too). But 2yrs ago she had to move to Toulouse in France because of her husbands job and when she told me i tried to be brave for her but when i got home to DH i cried for ages.
We still speak to each other on the phone 2-3 times a week but she is SO lonely out there and so am i.
I just can't be bothered to make any new friends just in case they leave as well.
AB

Ah, see, as a Foreign person living in London, who is forever making friends with other foreign people, I expect everyone to move away at some point or other.

Seriously, I think I am swearing off the whole "best friends forever" dynamic. That has never worked out well for me, I've done it three times, each time it has gone wrong in a different way, but each time it has eventually sucked. I think the whole deal is unhealthy, and have decided to have a range of reasonably close friends instead.

I think there are those people who have to see people all the time and see themselves as 'best buddies' and then there are those people (like me) who are very wary of getting too close to people (although I love other's company) for fear of it all going wrong. I think if you see too much of friends it gets too familiar and you can become very niggly. With your DP/DH if you feel niggly you can explode or just say you are pissed off (or whatever). If you were to do this around other friends it would be a non-started. I too start to panic if anyone wants to pin me down too much and would much rather have lots of acquaintances than loads of 'close' friends. I love going out in a crowd and am better doing this as then I can drift in and out of the conversation. If you are just two you have to make a big effort all the time. Sorry to ramble but have always thought I am the only one who is like this and now discover there are more like me.
XX

NQC not sure what the answer is either but I have a super clingy mum friend who is always coming up with new reasons for us to get together. I enjoy seeing her once a month say but she wants to meet every week. I think she is lonely but she has a husband and I don't so part of me thinks she should stop being so keen to involve me in her life and count her blessings!
Sorry that sounds really mean but just wanted to get it off my chest.

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